Is it ever ok to slap / hit your child?

Ellsbells

Just curious on people's views as I don't think it is ever ok to get physical with kids. I read elsewhere about a parent slapping their teen and throwing water on them to get them out of bed and I think that's very extreme and out of order.

When do you slap your kids?

Joey the lips

I dont know of any parent that has not hit there children at some stage weather it be fright or just general hitting but personnaly i dont think its ok to hit kids. When you lash out at kids your letting yourself down as well.

I cannot love my kids the way i do and then hot them

Rosy Posy

I would be of the opinion that its never ok to raise a hand to a child (or anyone really). I don't think that physical punishment works, it just teaches the child that its ok for someone to exert authority over someone weaker than them by force. We don't want our kids hitting each other so why should we hit them.

...but, in saying that I have slapped my son once, and feel guilty about it to this day. I was heavily pregnant and trying to get him into his car seat- he wasn't cooperating and we were car pooling so I was trying to organise four under-fives with all their stuff. He was going through a particularly difficult time before the birth of our third child and had some pretty bad tantrums in this time. I tried staying calm and talking quietly to him while trying to strap him into the seat (in the back of a three row people carrier, not the easiest with a massive preggy belly at the best of times) but he was struggling and kicked me in the stomoch- I told him that he had to be careful of my belly that he could hurt the baba and he looked me straight in the eye and aimed another forceful kick straight at my belly. In that moment I lost control and slapped him across the face. He was so shocked he stopped struggling momentarily so I could buckle his seatbelt. I spoke to him later when he was calm and apologised and explained why it was never ok to hit someone but I'm still shaken thinking about it tbh. One thing that makes me feel slightly better about the situation is that my mother, who never once raised a hand to me in all my childhood, was driven to slap the same child in a similar situation when he was biting her. When we 'debriefed' about the situation and I explained that when that had happened to me I apologised to him afterwards, she refused, saying that she wasn't sorry! This is from one of the most mild mannered women ever, although she is strict to her principles.

I think this scenario illustrates how wrong it actually is to physically punish a child, as it is most likely to be a punishment meted out in anger in the heat of the moment. How can we expect our children to learn to control their destructive impulses if we cannot ourselves. (sorry for the essay, I needed to get that off my chest!)

cynder

I slapped my 12 year old hard across the face 6 or 7 times one night.

You may think that's harsh, it was 2 am in the morning we were staying away from home she was fretting in her sleep I tried to wake her she wasn't responsive, I slapped her over and over to wake her finally her eyes opened, they turned back in her head she was gone again another slap and they opened, she spoke one word stayed sitting up I ran to the fridge to get lucozade, I tried to give itto her but she wouldn't drink, I had no choice but to call an ambulance. She was given an emergency glucose injection ( my one was left at home) she was hooked up to drips at hospital and forcible kept awake till the threat of a coma has subsided. She remained in hospital for 5 days.


My daughter is diabetic, would I slap her again in the same situation, yes I would.

greenbicycle

cynder wrote: »

I slapped my 12 year old hard across the face 6 or 7 times one night.

You may think that's harsh, it was 2 am in the morning we were staying away from home she was fretting in her sleep I tried to wake her she wasn't responsive, I slapped her over and over to wake her finally her eyes opened, they turned back in her head she was gone again another slap and they opened, she spoke one word stayed sitting up I ran to the fridge to get lucozade, I tried to give itto her but she wouldn't drink, I had no choice but to call an ambulance. She was given an emergency glucose injection ( my one was left at home) she was hooked up to drips at hospital and forcible kept awake till the threat of a coma has subsided. She remained in hospital for 5 days.


My daughter is diabetic, would I slap her again in the same situation, yes I would.

I dont think anyone would look badly on you for slapping your daughter in this situation.....

Rosy Posy

greenbicycle wrote: »

I dont think anyone would look badly on you for slapping your daughter in this situation.....

Its clear in this situation that the child wasn't being slapped as a punishment but or in anger but to save her life. Clearly acceptable.

edellc

I don't think it is ever acceptable to slap a child, if you cant say it with words then you shouldn't be a parent.

Teaching a child by violence leads to violence, I have a sister in law and my own sister believe in violence, my sister does physically punish her 7yr old where as my sil is proud of her barely teenage daughter for physically brawling with her tormentor in the school class room. I understand her daughter was getting bullied verbally not physically and her daughter snapped and lashed out but having recent conversations with them both and they see this as completely acceptable behaviour and would do it again to the point the daughter is now a bit cocky about it all.

I was slapped once as a child across the face by my father along with my older sister, no idea what I done but never did it again and never got slapped again, however I did watch my sister getting beating with a runner boot all the way up the stairs by my mother when we where younger, I was so terrified of any of this happening to me that I was an extremely good child or terrified of stepping out of line one not sure which is the correct description. I was however beating to a pulp every day nearly by my older sister which lead to bullying in my estate and in school, whether this was caused by my sister getting slaps for being bold or just that she was and is a psycho b*tch who knows.

violence is never the way in any walk of life and in every situation


as for the mother above slapping her child to wake her up due to the risk of death, that is a completely different scenario

missis aggie

Is it ok to slap/hit adult - no. It's certainly not ok to slap a child. There is other methods of parenting.

CrazyRabbit

It's not acceptable to hit/slap an adult, so why would it ever be ok to do the same to a defenseless child?

eviltwin

I've never done it. I was abused by my mother as a child and I don't want to do anything to my kids that resembles any of her parenting methods.

I've wanted to lots of times but I know when I feel that way its because I have lost control and I think a slap is the quickest way to get it back. So I don't do it and try other tactics.

SusieBlue

I don't see how its acceptable to hit a child when to hit an adult would be assault. I don't want to teach my children that if someone is bigger and smarter than you, they have the power to hurt you, and its okay.

In my opinion it teaches children that if someone does something, and you don't like it, its okay to give them a wallop. I think that's a terrible message to send. Adults can't just go around slapping everyone that annoys them, so I don't see why adult would slap a child as a consequence to bad behaviour.

I also read the thread OP is talking about, and I don't think the mum in question was actually lashing out at her child. I assume she gave a few light taps to rouse him, and that she poured water on him as a joke. She never specified, for all we know she indeed could have belted him across the face or she could have tapped him lightly, the way I do to my boyfriend when he's late for work.

Italia

Personally I think there is a very distinct clear line between abuse and a smack on the posterior when it is needed (I would have no qualms about giving one either).

Parents should really start being parents and stop trying to treat their kids like adults or friends - they're not adults, they are children and should be treated as such.
Parenting is a huge responsibility. If someone cannot or will not handle the responsibility then they should not have children. IMHO that is why we have hordes of ill mannered obnoxious disrespectful brats wandering around.

Nether myself nor my wife sees ourself as part of the "New Parenting" method PC brigade. I suppose we would fall into the "strict parent" category.
We raised 3 sons and right from the outset we made very clear that there were boundaries, what they were and the consequences of breaking them. The most important thing was being perfectly honest with them and keeping your word.
Throughout the years, only very few times we've had to deal with an issue more than once. We've never had problems with alcohol, drugs, not studying, truancy, violence etc.
The boys are now young adults and don't seem to be maladjusted in any way. Oh yes...we actually have a fantastic relationship. They can and do come to us with ANY issue that bothers them.

Ellsbells

WhiteRoses wrote: »

I also read the thread OP is talking about, and I don't think the mum in question was actually lashing out at her child. I assume she gave a few light taps to rouse him, and that she poured water on him as a joke. She never specified, for all we know she indeed could have belted him across the face or she could have tapped him lightly

Well it was a father and son not that that matters...

How Strange

I think resorting to slapping to discipline your child shows a lack of parenting skills in the parent. I think a parent lets themselves down when they slap their child. I really really don't ever want to slap or hit my child. It's something I feel very strongly about. I know I'd always feel guilty and disappointed in myself if I ever lose control and resort to slapping.

I don't think a parenting style which excludes slapping means you're going to have bratty kids or that you want to be their best friend. I see it as treating them with respect. Similarly I don't think slapping means your kids are going to be well behaved. It just means they're going to fear you.

meeeeh

He did get a smack on the bottom when he tore himself out of my hands in the car park and threw himself on the ground very close to a driving car when he was 2 and a half. Do I regret it? Not at all.

scrawnyass

Ellsbells wrote: »

Just curious on people's views as I don't think it is ever ok to get physical with kids. I read elsewhere about a parent slapping their teen and throwing water on them to get them out of bed and I think that's very extreme and out of order.

When do you slap your kids?

No way.My daughter will never be slapped by me.And God help any bolix that does slap her. I would kill for her.Literally.

GaryIrv93

I was in a carpark yesterday (not going to say where) and just happened to see one woman heading towards her car with three toddlers who I could see were difficult to control - they kept squirming around, trying to run way, crying etc. Then just as she opened one of the car doors, one of the kids got away and wandered in front of the car and I swear to God; she completely lost it, screaming at the top of her lungs at the kid, effing and blinding at him! Then she spanked the child who then fell and started crying. She picked him up, put him in the car and strapped him in, then slammed the door full force. Very hard to watch and felt pretty sorry for the poor kid.

Although I could somewhat understand her frustration having to deal with three hyper toddlers who wouldn't cooperate with her and running all over the place, I think she went a bit far with what she did to discipline the kid who ran off. She shouted abuse at him full volume, then hit him, and although he fell, instead of checking if he was bleeding, she put him in the car and angrily slammed the door. I see the same thing frequently enough in crowded shopping centres - parents screaming and shouting abuse at their kids in front of everyone. I hate seeing it happen.

I suppose physically disciplining kids to some extent is alright, as long as it's just a little spank in the backside and if necessary a light scold as well, but I'd never go as far as that woman did in the carpark. That kind of carry on disgusts me.

Italia

How Strange wrote: »

I think resorting to slapping to discipline your child shows a lack of parenting skills in the parent

Really? In what way?
I don't for one second advocate indiscriminate hitting just for the sake of doing so or yelling like a fishwife. Apart from everything else, it would quickly become ineffective. The child would quickly equate punishment with a smack and come to expect it at every turn rendering it useless in enforcing behavioural corrections [psychology 101 - classical conditioning / Pavlov] - which is not the intended objective.
However, I believe, there are circumstances when the child's behaviour is so far out, that it requires a stronger reaction than simply talking or admonishing. It is, so to speak, the "last resort"....and sometimes it is necessary to use it.

I really really don't ever want to slap or hit my child. It's something I feel very strongly about

Your choice. Everyone is different.

I know I'd always feel guilty and disappointed in myself if I ever lose control and resort to slapping

I don't like it one bit either. Having said that, if I were to decide to go the smack route, I'd go through with it without hesitation. I certainly would not show my feelings about it to the child - maybe later, but certainly not at that moment.

I see it as treating them with respect. Similarly I don't think slapping means your kids are going to be well behaved. It just means they're going to fear you.

I think this is where we differ. Respect is not something that is owed.... a sort of 'blank cheque'. It is earned and it most definitely works both ways.
I've seen countless times in my local Tesco (but it happens everywhere - even in Church) where little johnny or susie sees a toy or some item they want and deliberately misbehaves after the parent says 'no'. The behaviour becomes progressively worse (and louder) when the child sees it is not getting its way and all the parent does is try to reason with the child as if he or she were an adult until giving in and getting the item just to shut up the child. IMHO, as a parent you are not respecting yourself or your child (let alone the other patrons in the shop) by doing this.
This is one of those times when a solid smack on their posterior does a world of good.

Just to get something out of the way quickly - Over the last 25 odd years (across my 3 boys) I did go the smack route a few times. My kids do not fear me (and neither does the dog for that matter :rolleyes: ... ). They can and do come willingly to me or my wife whenever they have problems / issues that bug them. The door is always open and they certainly do not see us as ogres.

edellc

Italia wrote: »

Just to get something out of the way quickly - Over the last 25 odd years (across my 3 boys) I did go the smack route a few times. My kids do not fear me (and neither does the dog for that matter :rolleyes: ... ). They can and do come willingly to me or my wife whenever they have problems / issues that bug them. The door is always open and they certainly do not see us as ogres.

I'd love to ask your kids how they feel about this, as a child I watched my parents smack my siblings and I was always terrified of doing anything to get the same treatment and the one time I got a smack across the face from my dad it effected me in so many ways.

Each child is different and each parent disciplines in their own way but smacking/hitting whatever you want to call is never ever the right course of action.

your description of smacking a child who has a tantrum in the supermarket is WRONG, a firm no and ignoring the tantrum works just as well maybe takes a bit longer but over time the child learns without getting walloped by a much bigger stronger person

Birdie086

My son(6) is a fairly well bahaved child, thanks to my input and his nature, but he can every now and then lose the plot and it can be quite spectacular.

Usually I can knock it on the head early, by reasoning and getting him to calm down and process his thoughts.

However, this does not always work, just last week I was cooking dinner for my family, friends and the their kids, and he started, little by little he got himself in a right state, i took my eyes off him for a second and he started tearing up all the cushions off the couches in pure temper.

I calmly walked over(bear in mind I had not been ignoring the issue - he had gotten warnings etc) and gave him a slap on the shoulder and picked him up and carried him to his room.

I didn't speak one word to him, except for to tell him I would be up to bring him downstairs when he calmed down.

About five/ten minutes later things upstairs quietened and I went up and asked him to tell me why he got so worked up, he told me, and we came down the stairs together hand in hand, and the party continued without any hiccups.

Am I a bad mother because of this????? No I am not, and I didnt apologise for slapping him either, he needed the shock to literally shut up and calm down. I dont beat my child, and I rarely slap him but it happens every now and then.

Italia

edellc wrote: »

I'd love to ask your kids how they feel about this

You're more than welcome to do so. Any time.

and the one time I got a smack across the face from my dad it effected me in so many ways.

I have never slapped any of my kids across the face. I don't agree with that at all. The area has ALWAYS been the butt.

Each child is different and each parent disciplines in their own way but smacking/hitting whatever you want to call is never ever the right course of action.

The first part of your statement is 100% correct, the rest...well lets just say I disagree.
I suppose you could even put it down to cultural difference seeing that I'm not Irish. Although from the PM's I'm getting there seem to be more than a couple of Irish people who follow the same type of thoughts as me.

As I said - the most important thing is to always be 100% honest and consistent with your child. Set out boundaries and stick to them. The problems start when you don't. Children pick up on this extremely quickly.

highly1111

My 3 year old son slapped his 3 month old brother badly across the face. So for the first time ever I smacked my 3 year old - he burst into tears - his eyes were full of sorrow when I explained that he had just done the same thing to his brother and if he slaps his brother he gets a slap.

He has never laid anything other then a gentle hand on his brother again.

Sometimes the end does justify the means

The Big Red Button

Birdie086 wrote: »

I calmly walked over(bear in mind I had not been ignoring the issue - he had gotten warnings etc) and gave him a slap on the shoulder and picked him up and carried him to his room.

I didn't speak one word to him, except for to tell him I would be up to bring him downstairs when he calmed down.

About five/ten minutes later things upstairs quietened and I went up and asked him to tell me why he got so worked up, he told me, and we came down the stairs together hand in hand, and the party continued without any hiccups.

Do you not think that this technique would have worked just as well without the slap though?

Hannibal Smith

My dad smacked us when we were kids. My mother would unleash a verbal onslaught on us, completely losing the plot and all sense of reasonand control.

I'd prefer my dad's brand of punishment, you did wrong the slap was dished out ...it was forgotten about and moved on. You understood what you did and why you got the slap. Was I afraid of my dad? No. I was afraid of being caught for what I did

My mother's way was offensive and aimed at us personally to make us feel like crap. Then she'd wander about for the rest of the day not talking to us. That was far worse than any slap.

Parenting ways have changed over the years. Slapping not the done thing anymore, but it did work in its day. I do have respect for my boys. They earned it just by being the sweet little souls they are and that's what stops me from thinking I have a right to physically hurt them or offend them.

LegacyUser

My daughter was soon to go to pre-school. We had a bit of a problem in that she was not toilet trained. We had spent close to 2 years trying to achieve that end using all of the star charts, chocolates, withdrawal of privileges and other benign inducements and proscriptions. Nothing worked. We researched on the internet and tried everything. She was a hellion and an arch refuse-nik.

At the end of my tether I instigated physical negative reinforcement. A single smack to the bottom on three occasions and result achieved.

Ideally I should never have had to resort to this and wish the other methods had worked.

Would I do it again? Oh yes.

pwurple

I am still undecided on this. I have never slapped a child. People have said there are sometimes situations where you need a quick slap to get their attention to keep them safe.

So far, I have managed to stick to holding hands when walking anywhere there are cars. And physically restraining and saying 'no' when heading for something dangerous. It seems to work.

For the toddler tantrums, I have managed to avoid smacks so far using two things. my mums advice of avoiding the grouchy phase induced by hunger, thirst or lack of sleep. And the baby whisperer thing of telling them what is coming next, so I am not ripping whatever they are doing out from under them.

So... I may slap in the future if those stop working, but I haven't needed to yet.

LadyMayBelle

I thinks its important to discriminate between smacking a child and startling them to avoid them being hit by a car, hand in the fire etc. There is a difference, as slapping a child as a discipline method is one intended (I presume) to teach the child not to do the action again, however a smack also delivers further emotional function.

Personally I was slapped as a child and I hate the argument people throw up saying 'well I was hit and it didnt do me any harm'. Smacking a child in my opinion is wrong, and I do not advocate for violent behaviour in the discipling of children. Even when a parent smacks in a controlled manner (taking time out, calming down and then returning to deliver the smack), they are modelling violent behaviour to their child. The parent/child relationship can be damaged also over time, with the child, getting older, learning to how not to get caught with their behaviour, as so to avoid a smack/punishment; it doesnt necessarily mean they will stop the behaviour but rather avoid getting caught. They still haven't been taught what is right and wrong, only that if they get caught, they will get a wollop.

There are so many other effective ways of parenting a child, that I do not see why smacking has to come into it. Children respond to praise, model behaviour, and it is also vital to keep in mind the childs age; I saw a parent smack a child in a shop the other day because the child wouldnt sit still in the buggy (aged I think about three). What three year old is hardwired to sit still??

Broxi_Bear_Eire

Italia wrote: »

Really? In what way?
I don't for one second advocate indiscriminate hitting just for the sake of doing so or yelling like a fishwife. Apart from everything else, it would quickly become ineffective. The child would quickly equate punishment with a smack and come to expect it at every turn rendering it useless in enforcing behavioural corrections [psychology 101 - classical conditioning / Pavlov] - which is not the intended objective.
However, I believe, there are circumstances when the child's behaviour is so far out, that it requires a stronger reaction than simply talking or admonishing. It is, so to speak, the "last resort"....and sometimes it is necessary to use it.


Your choice. Everyone is different.


I don't like it one bit either. Having said that, if I were to decide to go the smack route, I'd go through with it without hesitation. I certainly would not show my feelings about it to the child - maybe later, but certainly not at that moment.


I think this is where we differ. Respect is not something that is owed.... a sort of 'blank cheque'. It is earned and it most definitely works both ways.
I've seen countless times in my local Tesco (but it happens everywhere - even in Church) where little johnny or susie sees a toy or some item they want and deliberately misbehaves after the parent says 'no'. The behaviour becomes progressively worse (and louder) when the child sees it is not getting its way and all the parent does is try to reason with the child as if he or she were an adult until giving in and getting the item just to shut up the child. IMHO, as a parent you are not respecting yourself or your child (let alone the other patrons in the shop) by doing this.
This is one of those times when a solid smack on their posterior does a world of good.

Just to get something out of the way quickly - Over the last 25 odd years (across my 3 boys) I did go the smack route a few times. My kids do not fear me (and neither does the dog for that matter :rolleyes: ... ). They can and do come willingly to me or my wife whenever they have problems / issues that bug them. The door is always open and they certainly do not see us as ogres.

Great post and it sums up my feelings exactly I have five children all grown up now and they regularly come to me for advice in a range of issues. I have one grandchild and my daughter and her partner regularly ask for advice.

I will never condone slapping a child across the face or screaming abuse at them but a controlled smack on the posterior as a last resort is ok by me

eviltwin

Italia wrote: »

Really? In what way?
I don't for one second advocate indiscriminate hitting just for the sake of doing so or yelling like a fishwife. Apart from everything else, it would quickly become ineffective. The child would quickly equate punishment with a smack and come to expect it at every turn rendering it useless in enforcing behavioural corrections [psychology 101 - classical conditioning / Pavlov] - which is not the intended objective.
However, I believe, there are circumstances when the child's behaviour is so far out, that it requires a stronger reaction than simply talking or admonishing. It is, so to speak, the "last resort"....and sometimes it is necessary to use it.


Your choice. Everyone is different.


I don't like it one bit either. Having said that, if I were to decide to go the smack route, I'd go through with it without hesitation. I certainly would not show my feelings about it to the child - maybe later, but certainly not at that moment.


I think this is where we differ. Respect is not something that is owed.... a sort of 'blank cheque'. It is earned and it most definitely works both ways.
I've seen countless times in my local Tesco (but it happens everywhere - even in Church) where little johnny or susie sees a toy or some item they want and deliberately misbehaves after the parent says 'no'. The behaviour becomes progressively worse (and louder) when the child sees it is not getting its way and all the parent does is try to reason with the child as if he or she were an adult until giving in and getting the item just to shut up the child. IMHO, as a parent you are not respecting yourself or your child (let alone the other patrons in the shop) by doing this.
This is one of those times when a solid smack on their posterior does a world of good.

Just to get something out of the way quickly - Over the last 25 odd years (across my 3 boys) I did go the smack route a few times. My kids do not fear me (and neither does the dog for that matter :rolleyes: ... ). They can and do come willingly to me or my wife whenever they have problems / issues that bug them. The door is always open and they certainly do not see us as ogres.

I think the issue with those parents you describe is not that they don't smack their offspring but rather that they don't discipline at all.

There seems to be a train of thought among some that if you don't physically discipline a child they will grow up to be rude, selfish, basically just nasty people. I have never had to resort to hitting and so far have never had a problem with my teenager despite being told by everyone I knew that without slaps she would grow up to be a lout.

Different strokes for different folks though, I hate the thought of someone thinking its okay to smack their child but we can't do anything about it, just education and hope that the next generation of parents don't feel its their only option.

Orion

OP: If you want a Humanities/Rights discussion take it to Humanities. Do not start a thread in Parenting to stoke a fire about a different thread in Parenting again.

/thread