Becoming a dad, recommend a book...

Zulu

Mods, I figured I'd get better advice/more exposure to men here, but feel free to move to parenting if you disagree.

Long story short, I'm going to be a dad soon (all going well). Can anyone recommend a good book for me that'll help me prepare?

I've had a look on amazon, and other than books presupposing you're an absolute moron, or tongue-in-cheek type books, there's very little. Christ, when I was getting our dog there was far more available! It's a bit sad really, but that aside...

I'm looking for something practical, something not in the vain of "how to fly a kite", or "how to support the mother who'll do everything". Is there anything any fathers out there read & would recommend? Or do I have to wing it?

Cheers.

RedXIV

First off, CONGRATS!!

Hope all goes well for you and herself.

When herself was pregnant I had a few books but to be honest, one was fairly bad for "Now remember, she won't have as much energy to make dinner and clean the house so try and hoover once in a while" etc etc but did have some good points to it that I didn't know. The best book I had as well was for transition from baby to toddler which was really good. To be honest, I was very lucky in herself who'd gone through it all before. And while you'll get told left right and centre about how its your child and raise it your way, fellow dad's are fantastic for tips and help from their experiences.

Best of luck with it anyway!

Gurgle

Congrats.
Wing it.

Sleepy

Congrats!

My partner had also been through it all before and actually asked me *not* to read any of the parenting books as she knew I'd end up beating myself up (and having argument with her) over not doing things "right".

My advice?
If you don't have a decent coffee machine already, get one.
Count to ten before you say anything when sleep-deprived and let the baby dictate what happens for the first few weeks.
If you don't have paternity leave and the mother is pumping/not breastfeeding try and agree to do the night-shifts at the weekend so she can get a solid nights sleep a couple of nights a week. Midweek, she'll be able to nap during the day when baby is: you won't get that option at work.
Most importantly, learn to politely tell people to back off. You and your partner will need time to adjust to this change in your life and the first few weeks aren't the time to be worrying about what the house looks like for visitors. If excited new aunties/grannies are insisting on calling over, ask them to bring the dinner!
Take lots of photos, sleep deprivation does funny things to your brains ability to form long-term memories.
Finally, take some time to enjoy being a dad. My favourite memories of the first few months of my daughters life are those of her being fast asleep on my chest whilst I was watching her more than the telly.

MagicMarker

You could always read that Game of Thrones stuff, supposed to be pretty good.

Morag

Are you looking for a general guide or a new father to be specific book?

mitosis

Anything by Bill Cosby. His 1980s tv shows where he handled family issues were a master class in parenting.

Zulu

MagicMarker wrote: »

You could always read that Game of Thrones stuff, supposed to be pretty good.

Is this a joke?

Sharrow wrote: »

Are you looking for a general guide or a new father to be specific book?

General guide I guess, but not so general as mentioned in the op.

seamus

Sleepy wrote: »

If you don't have a decent coffee machine already, get one.

Ooh...didn't think of that one. I had a cafetiere which I broke a couple of months back. I must put it high on the priority list before my child arrives...

If excited new aunties/grannies are insisting on calling over, ask them to bring the dinner!

Didn't think of that either. My wife is planning on getting home as soon as she can after the birth (the same day if at all possible), so we'll need a good 48 hours where people are banned from coming over, but after that responding to, "Can we call over", with, "Absolutely, if you stop by the Indian on your way", is genius.

Zulu, I got this book:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/190541062X/ref=oh_details_o03_s00_i00

It's written in a blokey, jokey kind of way, but not the condescending and mysogynistic way you'd get from the likes of FHM. I read through it the first time in about 3 hours, and then said I would go back and read it again, but I never really have. That said, it was well worth the read because I basically knew nothing about the experience of pregnancy. I knew the technicalties, not the realities

As the man there isn't a whole lot you can do except be supportive, but the book above breaks the whole thing down month-by-month so even if there's nothing you can do to help when your wife leaps out of bed screaming in agony from a leg cramp at 4am, you'll know not to freak out and start panicking about going to the hospital. Though you will do that at least once in the first 12 weeks.

Burning Eclipse

Zulu wrote: »

Is this a joke?

General guide I guess, but not so general as mentioned in the op.

I took it to be, yes.

I happen to be in the same situation as yourself Zulu. I picked up The Baby Owner's manual. It's short, gets to the point, tries to keep things factual, and has educated me to things I didn't know before!

Currently going to the pre-natal classes with my wife, and I'm finding I know most of the stuff they're telling me because of the book.

I would go with winging it. There are books I am sure but likely they are on specific topics and they only tell you what happened to work for the author. Whole books may contain advice on situations that you never really experience.

You have no idea what troubles children will throw up. And in each case what worked for someone else will not always work for you.

The best approach seems to be to wing it and when someone comes up you can not deal with and everything you have tried does not work then just read around the parenting forums for ideas you might not have tried and then try those too until you find what works for you.

Too much parenting advice comes with the assumption "I tried this, it worked, therefore it is the right way to do it". Instead work on the principle that there is no default "right" way to do anything and advice from others should be sought for no other reason that to give you ideas you might not have tried yet.

The only warning I will give you for now - as it seems to be something that comes as a shock to many dads as no one thinks to tell them and it is rarely depicted in tele or movies - is that after the baby pops out and they cut the chord and hand it to you - things are not finished. There is what almost amounts to a whole second giving birth that is ahead for your partner.

Gurgle

MagicMarker wrote:

You could always read that Game of Thrones stuff, supposed to be pretty good.

Zulu wrote: »

Is this a joke?

Approximately 7,000 pages so far, it will keep you going through hundreds of hours of pacing up and down trying to get Zulu Junior to go to sleep.

Boom_Bap

I used this one:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Blokes-Guide-To-Pregnancy/dp/140190288X

It's a pretty good read from the man's perspective and has a lot of stuff in it that you wouldnt think of.
It also explains some of the odd terms that you are going to hear over the 9 months. It can be very light hearted at times as well although giving you serious info.

I read that in conjunction with one of the Woman orientated books that guide you through week by week of the pregnancy. They are a bit too detailed for us lads but have great information in them.

There are 2 bits of advise I can offer.

1. During hospital visits and the 'big show' hospital visit, you as a man are going to be largely ignored except when you are being told to move or 'hold this'. Dont take this personally as it's not about you.

2. You know the famous bag that is packed for the trip to the hospital.....make sure there is some sort of sandwich or food in there for you! 14 hours in the labour room is a long time without eating! I had to rob one of the nurses biscuits on our first child.

Sleepy

Gurgle wrote: »

Approximately 7,000 pages so far, it will keep you going through hundreds of hours of pacing up and down trying to get Zulu Junior to go to sleep.

But your brain would be way too sleep-deprived to enjoy it properly!

Panthro

You will hopefully get the best advice going in this forum,
moved from TGC

él statutorio

I got this when we were expecting our daughter a few months ago.

It's very light hearted and I found it pretty good. I've given it to a few friends who were in the same boat and they found it good too.

iguana

My husband really liked this one. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Expectant-Dads-Survival-Guide-Everything/dp/0091929792/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347627320&sr=1-1

KGLady

A little aside, as its not actually a book but its something my hubby did and it made him feel informed and more confident of what to expect. He signed up for weekly updates from Babycentre.co.uk so that once a week he had a quick email that said something about the pregnancy and the baby's development at that point - it also includes tips and stuff for Dads so its not all women/Mother focused. Also its free

I always like that the emails have him reasonably up to date on whats going on. It made it easy for discussing things with him and his overall awareness of what I was going through without me having to spell it all out to him! We're on no3 now and soon as I told him the news the first thing he did was update his site profile so he could start getting his emails again. He also suggests it to all his friends when their time came round and its been widely well received.

uck51js9zml2yt

Congrats..
As a dad of a 2 yr old son I can confidenty say that the books dont prepare you:D I got one and never finished it.
I read up on some parenting forums my wife subscribes to...still do.
..and i helped to have real life experiences.

As someone else said...wing it.
Go to the prenatal classes.

Do your best.
Be prepared for sleep deprivation like youve never known.
Dont overheat the baby...dont use those microfibre blankets..thez dont let out the heat.
Make sure the baby hat fits and doesnt slip down. we learnt a scary lesson here.
Take on some night feeds..let her sleep.
Give her a hug when she feels its all too much and tell her what a great job shes doing, even when you dont know what to do.

Weve had our moments of panic over the years,but the joy from seeing junior accomplish so much makes it worth it.:D

07734

Keep one end full, and the other end clean. Make up the rest as you go along. Serious advice.

kippy

Sleepy wrote: »

Congrats!

My partner had also been through it all before and actually asked me *not* to read any of the parenting books as she knew I'd end up beating myself up (and having argument with her) over not doing things "right".

My advice?
If you don't have a decent coffee machine already, get one.
Count to ten before you say anything when sleep-deprived and let the baby dictate what happens for the first few weeks.
If you don't have paternity leave and the mother is pumping/not breastfeeding try and agree to do the night-shifts at the weekend so she can get a solid nights sleep a couple of nights a week. Midweek, she'll be able to nap during the day when baby is: you won't get that option at work.
Most importantly, learn to politely tell people to back off. You and your partner will need time to adjust to this change in your life and the first few weeks aren't the time to be worrying about what the house looks like for visitors. If excited new aunties/grannies are insisting on calling over, ask them to bring the dinner!
Take lots of photos, sleep deprivation does funny things to your brains ability to form long-term memories.
Finally, take some time to enjoy being a dad. My favourite memories of the first few months of my daughters life are those of her being fast asleep on my chest whilst I was watching her more than the telly.

Great advice Sleepy.
I'd echo all of it and add that while there may be some information in the books you'll find it difficult to recall anything when you need it.
You'll do great.

Squ

Zulu wrote: »

MagicMarker wrote: »

You could always read that Game of Thrones stuff, supposed to be pretty good.

Is this a joke?

A good sence of humour is required. I remember one week, no sleep for days, my wife was ratty, baby was balling, changed him for the upmteenth time, and he starts pissing right in my face.. Smiling all the while. Couldnt help but laugh.

On a totally unrelated note, if your using formula, buy one of those scoops that has an adjustable bottom so you can set to the right amount in one scoop. Mothercare has them. You mightn't thank me now, but some random Tuesday, 3am months from now.......

Also, Try not to fret.. If a baby is balling, thats their way of communicating.. Doesn't mean they're on the verge of death.

eviltwin

If you're looking for practical advice, how to make bottles, bath baby, health advice etc any baby book will help you out. The What to Expect in the First Year is great, like a bible but full of info on just about every possible topic. I read the Kaz Cooke book - not sure of the name - it was easier to read and funny and full of little handy hints about making life easier.

I think books are over rated though, the best advice you will ever get is from other parents. Sign yourself up to a parenting specific website, there are two big Irish ones with boards on everything from feeding to clothes and any question you have you'll get someone to answer you.

Apart from that just remember its going to be hard at times, you will be knackered, you will have zero social life, you will have days you want to run away...remember its all normal.

Keep the lines of communication open, help out so your other half can get sleep because she will need it just to recover from the pregnancy and birth, talk about your fears or worries, try and get regular alone time as a couple and with your own mates but make sure you give her the same and remember us ladies are just as terrified as you guys are - we don't come with some in built chip that makes it simple. We are just as clueless as you.

NextSteps

Does it have to be specifically for dads? This is very good, by Penelope Leach
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Your-Baby-Child-Penelope-Leach/dp/1405348496/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1347722731&sr=1-1