Monday Funnies

MonkieSocks

If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the feck is in a can of Raid?

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Laid in bed with the wife I looked in her eyes and said

"Seeing your face reminds me of the lottery."

With a smile she said "Because I'm worth millions to you?"

"No" I said, "I wish you'd fookin roll over."

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My wife is suffering from depression.

She phoned me the other day and said

"I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help."

So I sent her a timetable....


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Some Chav just tried to stab me in my chest, but I was saved by the calculator I keep in my top pocket.

I guess there is safety in numbers.

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I've just watched a documentary about a gay steam train.

It went in a tunnel with a 'puff' and came out with a 'tender behind'.

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Billy the hump was taking a shortcut to the village pub, by cutting across the churchyard.

All of a sudden Billy is confronted by the Devil.

"What's that?" asked the Devil.

Pointing at his hump.

"That's my hump" stammered Billy.

"I'll have that" said the Devil and, all of a sudden Billy's back is straight.

Billy gets to the pub and is seen walking around straight of back for the first time, and everyone wants to know what happened.

Billy tells his story and his mate Clubfoot Jacko thinks "I'll give that a go”.

So, that night, after the pub closed, Jacko takes a walk across the graveyard, and sure enough, the Devil jumps out.

"What's that?" he asked

"That's my club foot" said Jacko.

"Have you got a hump" asked the Devil.

"No" says Jacko

"well here have this one" says the devil