He's bestfriends with his ex :/

Razmitaz

Hey,

I'm looking for some advice on my current situation. I met this lovely guy two years ago. We were casual for a while, but he wanted more, but I couldn't commit to him for my own reasons. All the while he had this female friend that I knew of but never met. They texted and hung out often enough. I always believed that men and women could rarely be just simple friends, usually one of the two fancies each other etc...So this friend was always a slight concern for me, but because we were not serious, I didn't care too much about her. I had asked him several times did they date or anything and he always said no, and that calmed my suspicions for the time being.

This summer I was fully able to commit to him, but before we made it official I was hanging about with him a lot in his home town and I kept suggesting we meet up with his bestie..because I wanted to know the important people in his life..but he kept coming up with excuses that she's busy or she hasn't replied etc...which raised my suspicions again...
So we had a heart to heart about keeping the relationship lie free, so we laid everything out on the table. I told him some serious stuff, and then he decided to tell me he was actually dating his friend for a year a while back and that she ended it, because they were constantly fighting and being in a relationship together didn't suit them. But a few months after they broke up they decided to be friends again, because the friendship they had before they became physical was great and they didn't want to end that. So now there best friends, texting each other often, usually about stupid stuff, but never the less she's well and truly in his present and not buried in the past where ex's are usually kept.
The reason why he didn't want me to meet her was because he was afraid someone would mention it in passing about them dating, and he wanted to tell me before someone else did.

I can happily accept peoples pasts, its just that she's still in his life really bothers me. I know he chased me for two years and waited until I could commit but I'm still bothered by her.

Taking my own experiences into consideration, when I see or hang out with someone I've been intimate with its hard not to think about the things he used to do to me etc, and I'm worried when they hang out he's reminded every now and then how she was in bed or how nice she was naked?
I know I probably sound absolutely insane!!

She's in a relationship at the moment, but apparently her previous relationship ended because her bf couldn't get that they were just friends...

He's reassured me that he's madly in love with me, and that it was a mistake to get into a relationship with his friend, but it wasnt a mistake that they became friends.. I do trust him, and know he wouldn't do anything but I just cant shake my thoughts.
I really really want this to work, I would even marry him! I want to get over this so bad.

If anyone can give any advice on how I can overcome this I would greatly appreciate it!

Thank you

Lorna123

From what you say OP I don't think his ex is any threat. If there was ever going to be anything serious between them it would have happened before this. You cannot control who his friends are, so just forget about this and be happy.

Ellsbells

Razmitaz wrote: »

. I had asked him several times did they date or anything and he always said no, and that calmed my suspicions for the time being.

This is the big issue for me. Why did he lie to you several times about it? A year is a long time to be brushed under the carpet.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Ever2010

I don't see why he didn't mention this straight away to you but maybe he thought that you would have issues with it (as you kind of do!).

My ex is my best friend in the whole world - I absolutely adore him - but it's pretty much like a brother. We went out as teenagers, I lost my virginity to him. We're still really close, and have been for 18 years. I'm very close to his wife, and his kids call me aunty. He's really good mates with my partner too. Even a couple of years after we broke up there was none of those thoughts that you are thinking that he's thinking.

He's my mate and I love him to bits, but friends is all it is - actually it's quite funny now to think that we were once a couple.

Just don't worry - ask him to be completely honest with you in future. And get to know his best mate - cause if you're going to be in a relationship with him then she's going to be a part of your life too.

green_dub_girl

I think the fact that he initially lied about it is a big issue.

Might sound a bit extreme but when there are issues like this early on, I would be very concerned. Men and Women have a hard enough time being friends, never mind being friends with an ex.

I would tell him your uncomfortable with the whole situation and see what he says. If you guys are potentially going to spend the rest of your lives together, he should be able to let go of his ex. There are plenty more "friends" in the sea!

Ever2010

green_dub_girl wrote: »

If you guys are potentially going to spend the rest of your lives together, he should be able to let go of his ex. There are plenty more "friends" in the sea!

She just happens to be an ex... people still can be friends. And to ask him to dump one of his friends for you - that's really not on.

He should not have lied to you, or kept the truth hidden, but you can get over that.

Trying to control who he's friends with, especially with a close friend could lead to him telling you where to go.

Missy Moo Moo

Ok so while lying was not ideal and maybe a bit of a red flag, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was scared of your reaction on finding out that she was his ex, maybe he's had issues with past girlfriends not accepting her. We all panic and make mistakes, it happens.

As for them being exes, well remember they are just that- exes. I've lost a few friends in the past who were ex boyfriends cos their girlfriends weren't comfortable with them being friends with their ex. My reaction was always one of bafflement, cos we were exes for a reason and I had no intention of trying to rekindle the relationship or steal them away. Sometimes you go out with someone and the connection stays even when the physical attraction wears off. Sometimes you realise you were better off as friends.

Back to him lying in the first place, again, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he acted with your best interests at heart. If you see any evidence of lying again, then I would wonder. But for now, give him the benefit of the doubt.

Remember, he's with you now, she's with someone else. Look at your own exes- aren't you exes for a reason and if both of you wanted to be together, wouldn't you still be?

Best of luck whatever you decide.

shalalala

OP, I have been in your position. I wasn't lied to about the fact that they dated, I was lied to about what they spoke about. I found out that he had discussed intimate things with her.

You need to tell him that the lie really bothers you and that you are not comfortable with the situation. Hopefully he will reassure you. You need to be worried if he starts putting her before you. Meet her. If she is nice, not playing games and there is no spark between them then hopefully your doubts will calm.