Should a person always know that they are dying?

Biggins

I know it's AH (and expect standard Ah answers - absolutely fair enough) but here is a serious question:

Should a person always know that they are dying?


The situation:
Person dying in a hospital bed of cancer (or something else).
They think they are just receiving treatment for it and put down their constant in and out of sleeping/coma due to the illness but think they are on the road to recovery - but are NOT!

Without going into personal detail (for a few weeks at least), should a person be ALWAYS told of their impending doom?

I say "Yes" in order to prepare themselves, adjust a will, say good bye's, etc.
However I have come across some who say different but really fail to explain to me why they feel different.

Maybe someone can enlighten me as to why others would say different?

andala

I guess it depends which side of the bed you're on. If I was the one dying, I'd rather be told the truth. However, if I was to tell my kids or somebody close to me that they're not going to make it, I suppose it would be easier for me to lie to them and count on a miracle to happen

FatherLen

definitely, nobody has the right to keep that from anyone.

fenris

Definitely should be informed if they are a normal adult, not informing them deprives them of the opportunity to set their affairs in order and potentially chose their own place and time.

The real question is how would you go out in style?

Random

the truth, always.

aaronjumper

If it was me I would want to know.

SEPT 23 1989

fenris wrote: »

Definitely should be informed if they are a normal adult, not informing them deprives them of the opportunity to set their affairs in order and potentially chose their own place and time.

The real question is how would you go out in style?

Difficult to sort out your affairs if you slipping in and out of consciousness

Micky Dolenz

Are you talking about me?

You have me worried.

mawk

momento mori

Real Life

yea i think you should know the truth

im invisible

We're all dying anyway, theres none of us going to live forever

DEFTLEFTHAND

Its an absolute right to the stricken individual to know the severity of their condition. Imo its not ethical for a medical professional or loved one to keep that kind of information from anybody, unless of course they ask not be informed of any bad news. (Bob Marley and his battle with cancer springs to mind)

I have a feeling though that the person themselves deep down will know if their time is coming to an end, with or without a doctor giving the news.

kelle

Depends on the person. When my parents were sick, some of the palliative care nurses constantly referred to "the time (they) have left" which really upset them.

I let them (the care team) know of my fury that they could say things like that to people who are trying to come to terms with their diagnosis and subsequent treatment, I was told I should have specified this with their doctor! I hadn't been told about death, anyway I didn't want to know - I wouldn't have been able to look after them as well as I did if I had been told of a timeframe.

And, mum had always said in the past that if you tell somebody had 6 months to live they'll be dead in 6 weeks! So I knew they wouldn't want to be told.


As the weeks went by and they got frailer my father knew his time was nearly up and came to terms with it.

Mum improved, she was determined to beat the cancer and she did only to die suddenly a month after my father - of a broken heart, I believe!

minidazzler

Stab them straight up in the chest and as they are taking their final breaths tell them they are dying....they'll laugh and you'll feel better.

WumBuster

An adult yes as long as they are not in extreme distress in which case there would be no point upsetting them further.. A child, maybe not.

wp_rathead

fenris wrote: »

Definitely should be informed if they are a normal adult, not informing them deprives them of the opportunity to set their affairs in order and potentially chose their own place and time.

The real question is how would you go out in style?

elaborate please?

nachocheese

Absolutely, it's their right to know. There's something very wrong about the thought of a family member going into hospital having taken ill, their family are told they're going to die from it and then the patient themselves isn't told. If anyone should know, the sick person should and then let it be up to them to tell everyone else.

If anything, at least it lets them plan for something almost all of us put off thinking about.

I'm talking about adults by the way. I'm flip-flopping on whether I think it's a good idea to tell a child they're going to die soon.

fenris

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

Difficult to sort out your affairs if you slipping in and out of consciousness

But not impossible, it would give some focus to wakey wakey time, allowing you to ask for people that you were going to get around to at some stage, even if it is just to tell them that they are only a prick or that you loved them always and have a giggle at the relations telling them that it is just the meds, but knowing that they know you meant it.

You could spout some great Nostradamus type generalities just for fun.

There are bucket list items that cane be reached upon even from a hospital bed.

Maybe you have a final exit option buddy that you need to give the nod to.

mconigol

Absolutely yes. Sickens me that this is kept from people.

TommyKnocker

I am a 50yr old guy and I would not want to know if I was dying. I seriously couldn't handle being told I had x amount of time left.

I remember being absolutely amazed at how Jane Tomlinson handled her life after being diagnosed with terminal cancer. I know I couldn't do that.

If I did find out and was able, I would be straight over to Digitas in Switzerland or hopefully I could find some other way to take myself out. But I wouldn't be hanging around. I am hoping for a brain aneurysm or massive heart attack.

OnTheCounter

My father was in hospital for the final 6 weeks and wasn't told and believed he would get better enough to go home.

It left a lot of unresolved issues.

I still don't know if it was the right thing to do.

Vague answer: if they are mentally strong and able to coherently clear up any issues tell them. If they are the type to go to pieces there is no benefit.

Biggins

I appreciate the replies so far.

I wouldn't want to know.

I would want to know, so i could delete my texts and emails that i don't want people reading when i drop dead. Oh yeah, would need to clean up the HDD as well!
Would also be good to try some really hard drugs like crack just to see what i might have missed out on and knowing addiction wouldn't be an issue.

Ilyana

My uncle wasn't expressly told he was dying, but he and everyone else knew it. What was harder was that he believed he had more time left than he actually did. The doctor had to gently inform him that his time would come sooner than he thought.

In the case of a coherent adult, I think they will ask if they want to know. Some people don't want to be told, so perhaps it is unfair to tell all patients without exception. As for children, a young child might not understand anyway, while the parents of an older child might be able to judge how they will react, and therefore whether the child ought to know.

On the other hand, you can't leave someone oblivious to their situation. My uncle took quite some time to accept what was happening to him, which delayed his will being drawn up and led to even more heartache.

If it were me, I think I'd rather know. I'd hate to try to fight an illness when my strength was actually dwindling, in the hope of living a life I'd never see. I know that's quite pessimistic but that's just me.

Hrududu

A couple of weeks ago I was told about a man that my parents knew. He had been sick for a while but he didn't realise he was going to die. His family were told and they decided not to tell him. I'm sure they made that decision because they thought it was for the best. But I thought they kind of robbed him of the chance to settle anything. You never know what someone might want to say or do if they knew for sure they were going to die soon.

It also made me wonder about what they said to him. If he was having a particularly bad day did they lie to give him false hope? I think if I was one of his family I'd probably struggle with that. I'd know that the decision came from a good place but I'd probably feel a bit guilty that I took that decision on his behalf. I think he had a right to know.

SusieBlue

Assuming the person dying had been suffering with an illness for a while and therefore had their affairs in order, I wouldn't tell them.

I personally wouldn't want to know if it were me in the hospital bed. A friend of a friend was in a horrific car accident a while back, they managed to stabilise him for a few days but his chances weren't good. When he was conscious his wife kept telling him he'd be coming home soon, even though they knew he wouldn't, because they thought he'd panic and be afraid if they told him it was The End.

I can only imagine the panic, fear, and anxiety I'd feel if I knew death was near. I wouldn't want to go through that. I'd prefer to slip away then spend my last few moments terrified of what was coming next.

Just my personal take on it.

Rasmus

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Assuming the person dying had been suffering with an illness for a while and therefore had their affairs in order, I wouldn't tell them.

I personally wouldn't want to know if it were me in the hospital bed. A friend of a friend was in a horrific car accident a while back, they managed to stabilise him for a few days but his chances weren't good. When he was conscious his wife kept telling him he'd be coming home soon, even though they knew he wouldn't, because they thought he'd panic and be afraid if they told him it was The End.

I can only imagine the panic, fear, and anxiety I'd feel if I knew death was near. I wouldn't want to go through that. I'd prefer to slip away then spend my last few moments terrified of what was coming next.

Just my personal take on it.

Sorry, did he die then?

SusieBlue

Rasmus wrote: »

Sorry, did he die then?

Yeah, he passed away not long after.

Rasmus

WhiteRoses wrote: »

Yeah, he passed away not long after.

I think cases of when there has been a terrible accident are a bit different than terminal illness. In the case above, his wife had to allow him to fight. Sad story.

starbelgrade

Fuck me, this is depressing.

TeddyTedson

I don't know my stance on this at all. I click reply about 15mins ago and had a post all typed out but I can't settle on either side.
I kind of think their are certain circumstances where it's ok, but in saying that, I would want to know if I was going to die in 6 months for example. There would be a lot of things for me to do in that time, and I really should get acting on them just in case tomorrow I get knocked down by a bus.
I almost cant allow anything to happen to me because I have things to do first, if that makes sense.

But if I had everything taken care of, and I was to become ill. I wouldn't mind not knowing. I remember visiting people on their death bed and they know they're about to die. I'm just not sure it helps the person who is sick or any friends/family...

shopaholic01

There are things that I would only have the courage/honesty to say if I was dying, so I think I would like to know. Is it ethical to withhold this information if a person has not requested it?

It would take time to accept that your time is nearly up, but at least you could make informed decisions.

Callan57

I would be absolutely livid if anyone, be they family or medical professional, presumed they had a right to treat me as if I were mentally deficient or had reverted to childhood just because I had a terminal illness. How incredibly patronising!

I would adamantly want to remain the decision maker in my life.

galwaybabe

12 years ago my mother passed away from cancer, unaware that she was going to pass away. To this day my head is done in about it. At the time the palliative care people told me that they never tell a person that they are going to die unless the patient asks them. I personally think this is bollox. My mother was the sort of person who would have definitely wanted to have things said and done if she had known. I feel it was an insult to her intelligence that she wasn't told.

In addition to that, the effect it had on all of us as a family was horrible. We couldn't talk to her about all the things we wanted to talk about because she didn't know.

Feck...have to stop typing. I'm still so angry about it all..:(

H2UMrsRobinson

I would definitely want to be told - come to think of it I would be mighty pissed off if my healthcare professional told other members of my family, before they told me, and then consequently it was kept from me. Assuming I'm compus mentis that is. If I'm a veg anyway just put a bullet in my head.

I'd have so many things I'd need to say to people if I was dying. I'd have to write a will, apportion my small sentimental belongings, plan my funeral, finally get around to making that wedding album (something for the hubby and child to weep over), write a bucket list, execute said list, finish my memoirs and snog Mr Beckham - Jesus that amount of work would kill a person !!!

kerry4sam

Biggins wrote: »

I know it's AH (and expect standard Ah answers - absolutely fair enough) but here is a serious question:

Should a person always know that they are dying?


The situation:
Person dying in a hospital bed of cancer (or something else).
They think they are just receiving treatment for it and put down their constant in and out of sleeping/coma due to the illness but think they are on the road to recovery - but are NOT!

Without going into personal detail (for a few weeks at least), should a person be ALWAYS told of their impending doom?

I say "Yes" in order to prepare themselves, adjust a will, say good bye's, etc.
However I have come across some who say different but really fail to explain to me why they feel different.

Maybe someone can enlighten me as to why others would say different?

It's my belief that the person involved should always know the truth. It can be extremely difficult to narrow down a time/date, but they should be informed about what, if anything, can be done to change the situation.

This was a tough thread to read Biggins, but I thank you for bringing it up. Someone very dear to me went for tests and we hit heart-ache. They were brought back for more tests and was given a year to wait before more tests would need to be done. I went with them but I know of others who were not informed any of this was happening. They lived their life daily without knowing about any tests needing to be done, or any possible impending heart-ache. Should they have known? Wasn't my place to inform anyone, and I never did.

The person is today battling on, no time/date known, and still no-one else knows as we now have to wait for further tests months down the line.

Not the same as your situation in the op, and no offence but I sincerely Hope to God it doesn't , but each person should be informed. It really should be up to them who they decide to inform then imo, but they should at the very least know if something can be done; if they will see home again; if they can live a day at least out of a hospital bed; if they have or want to organise aspects of their life.

Wee Willy Harris

A person should only be reminded of such by way of their own physical pain; in which case they should be permitted euthanasia if they so wish otherwise no!!

Shryke

If any one person has the right to know it is the individual who is actually dying. It's very messed up to hold something like that back. It's almost a playing God type ploy. I wouldn't personally trust another human being who would drop on the other side of the fence on this one, it would make me think too poorly of their character and question their priorities and motivations too much.

Tom Joad

I would say that assuming we are talking about an adult they need to be told and have a right to be told unless there is very good reason not too (they have told you in the past or you are certain they would not cope). But there are so many variables that it is difficult to say with certainty.

For instance, if the person will never get out of hospital or have any quality of life and are in pain or fully coherent - could see why there would be nothing to gain from telling them.

With a terminal illness with say 6 months to live - yes absolutely they need to know to put affairs in order and make the most of the time left...

With a child I couldn't do it myself - how could a child comprehend that..

purplepanda

The stepmom died a few months back from cancer, she beat it once last year but it came back again. She knew she was dying although she couldn't talk or communicate, you could just tell by her eyes sometimes reacting to faces & voices she knew. She had already made plans for her passing after she came out of hospital after the first cancer was removed, so might well have known she would not be around for much longer anyway.

She was told she was in hospital & was being treated & everyone was careful not to discuss her terminal condition & situation in front of her.

Telling her straight that she had not long to live would have just upset her, at least she had her family around talking & caring for her.

The priest came around to say prayers with her about a week before she passed on. She was a devout christian so that was more than enough to let her know her time was coming.

BillyMitchel

My father was told 9-10 years ago that his time was just up. Body was starting to shut down and there's nothing they can do anymore. 9-10 years later he's alive, not in perfect health but can do 80% of things a normal person can.

Two things.
If he wasn't told we was going to die would we just accept the illness and probably pass away peacefully?

Or

Because he was told he was going to die that he fought it and is still alive?

Personally I'd rather know, there be so much things to say and do. The ones I really feel for is the people who get sick all of a sudden, go to hospital and find out cancer has spread throughout their bodies and get weeks to live

MaxSteele

A Patient should know. Some may be well enough to actually move on their own or at least with the aid of a friend or family member. I'd rather pass away overlooking a vast view from a high point or somewhere memorable instead of a mundane hospital bed.

Plus you never know what life changing secrets or important info a family member might wish to share before kicking the bucket.

Riddle101

Definitely if you're an adult. What's the point in beating around the bushes about it. If someone is going to die, then they should be told. Not telling them at all because you want to make it easier on people is the wrong way to go. They need to know in order to prepare themselves, make a will, say all that needs to be said and die in peace.

A child on the otherhand is different. I think they're more delicate to talk to about that stuff then adults, it's sad enough that you know a child is about to die, maybe a son or daughter. But them knowing is just too depressing.

kowloon

If they're capable of understanding what they're being told I think it's only right to tell them.

Personally, there's things I'd want to say to family and friends that I think would go unsaid if I was unaware I was dying. I wouldn't want to go out thinking it was business as usual.

ViveLaVie

I have twice been in a situation as an adult where information on the seriousness of my health has been kept from me.

The first wasn't life or death but there was good evidence to suggest I would need very serious and major life-altering surgery. My family was told but I wasn't informed until a definite decision was made following further diagnostic tests. I was very
annoyed but in all likelihood I would probably have been a complete mess and totally stressed myself out leading up to the tests had I known what the doctor had projected so I understand the reluctance to tell me.

The second time was life or death but it was a very random and unexpected spontaneous illness that acted very quickly. I was in a very dangerous position at one point. I understand that had I been told I'd have been very frightened and stressed which wouldn't have helped my body to fight but had I died then I wouldn't have had a proper chance to say goodbye.

It's hard to know because I believe I got through those ordeals easier because of my lack of knowledge as to the seriousness of the situation - but had I actually died I'd have been short-changed.

darlett

im invisible wrote: »

We're all dying anyway, theres none of us going to live forever

I dunno, Im doing alright so far, feeling pretty confident about not dying ever

Contessa Raven

I currently have a neighbour who is terminally ill. She has cancer. Can't remember what type. She's in her mid-80's and her grown up children have all decided not to tell her that she's going to die. As far as she is aware, she has arthritis. I was talking to one of her children the other day and he was saying that her mind isn't what it was and that it wouldn't be fair to tell her.

I dunno though. If it was me I think I'd like to know. Although if I have Alzheimers (which I think she might have the early stages of) would it make that much of a difference?

In cases of people who are perfectly sound of mind then they absolutely have the right to know and if it were me I'd need to be told. I'd be very upset to find out my family lied to me. But other people wouldn't want to be told. It's a hard one to call.

dinorebel

As an Airline Pilot I live with the fact I could die any day but when it come to illness I would like to die asleep in blissful ignorance unlike my screaming passengers.

Canis Lupus

When my father was dying no one told him. He'd been bad before but he was definitely on the way out this time. Was difficult hearing him talk about how rough he felt and that he wished he'd get better soon.

Out of all the things to be 'sad' about, him never being told he was dying was a hard thing to deal with for some reason.

It wasn't me!

My grandfather was dying of cancer when he was killed by a stroke. Prior to this (a long time prior) the whole family, and it's a big one, had decided he didn't need to know, and so he never even knew he had cancer, let alone that it was terminal. Now, the secret was such that I and every other member of the family knew, and I was about fifteen. The idea that he never knew, because people decided he didn't need to, is one that haunts me on a regular basis. This is a man who, at 94, was in complete possession of all his faculties and was a more interesting and lively conversationalist than most. He didn't deserve to be misled and treated like a child by his adult offspring and their massive extended family. One of my biggest fears is that someday I'll be treated like a child by people who owe me so much better than that, because in their judgement I don't need to know something. Sure, I'd rather go suddenly and never see it coming, but if circumstances are otherwise, then I feel that those who would claim they care about me owe me the dignity of not keeping anything from me.