Lying Spouse

alannah2012

I would appreciate some advice. My fiance has been lying to me about a few things. Is it possible to build back up the lost trust in a relationship? We've been together for four years and only this year has he changed.

Background: My fiance of two years had been away working for almost all of this year. I cannot join him due to my job and financial restraints. I will be moving to the same town as him (which is a five hour drive away), in February. We do see one another almost every weekend. He's always been trustworthy up to this point.

In March (2 months after he moved away), he accused me of cheating on him. This is completely untrue and there are no grounds for thinking this. He did apologise citing being drunk and missing me as the reason. Anyway - we got over it.

In April/May he took some due time off work and we spent time together. He didn't really want sex all that often, which confused me as he always loves it! Then I found him watching porn while he thought I was in another room.
Let me make this clear, I have no problem with men looking at porn; but don't choose it over an attractive eager woman who wants you right there in the same house.
Well he apologised and we both got over it. I did ask him if anything was amiss sexually, as I'm always open to discussion on how to change or experience new things. He said no, he's just been under stress and wanted to have a quick release rather than have the full thing with me.
Whatever - we got over it and things were gradually better than ever.

Now this week - we saw one another on the weekend and I felt him distant but otherwise things were fine. He said he was just tired. I had a feeling - don't know from what but I opened his home computer here (he's always logged into his email account from it), and in his email I found a full dating site and profile he's signed up to. In the town he's moved to, he's been flirty with women online and arranging to meet up with them for strictly 'no strings attached sex'. I have not found any evidence that he's met up with any ladies yet, but has made arrangements to meet them this week.

I confronted him over the phone as I could not make the journey to him due to work. He is now devasted (he says), wants to work things out, blah blah blah. He says he doesn't know why he did this.

I was wrong to check up on him and look through his emails. I know this. He has broken my heart though, is it possible to forgive a man when he's been this hurtful? I don't want to be an idiot but I don't want to break up a relationship that was great before we were living far(ish) apart.

Missy Moo Moo

Hi OP,

First of all, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, what a dreadful blow this must be to you. Please try leaning on a friend or family member during this time.

Secondly, please don't feel bad about checking up on him. There are people that will say you invaded his privacy etc and while I agree it would be wrong if he gave you no reason to, but in the circumstances, I don't blame you. It sounds like you gave him ample opportunity to speak up if something was wrong and he didn't. So please don't beat yourself up over it.

Here's my 2 cent on the situation. Meet up with him and find out the full extent of his betrayals, whether there was just intent to cheat or whether he actually did. You need to probe him and not just accept "I don't know why I did it". It'll be painful to hear but I believe you need to have this information to move forward.

After that, I would take some space from the relationship to think about it all, lick your wounds and finally, to think about what you want. Of course at the moment you don't want to lose the relationship because there has been a double whammy of him cheating and you splitting up. But really think about what do you want- has this relationship made you happy lately? What have you gotten out of it, given all the lies he has told lately? Can you trust him? These are questions you will have to ask yourself.

I know it sounds harsh but you say things were good before he moved away- if the relationship was strong enough, it would survive a strain. Again, sorry to say that, but it's something for you to consider.

So, talk to him and then take space- both of you need breathing space I think. I don't believe you could just go on as normal straightaway even if you decided to forgive him so a break is no harm.

If you do decide to forgive him, only you can decide, based on what he has told you, If he is worthy of earning your trust again. If you do forgive him and you do decide you are going to trust him again, I won't lie, it will be a rocky path for a while. But again, none of these decisions can be made lightly, so please take some time to think and look after yourself.

All the best

alannah2012

Missy Moo Moo wrote: »

Hi OP,

First of all, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, what a dreadful blow this must be to you. Please try leaning on a friend or family member during this time.

Secondly, please don't feel bad about checking up on him. There are people that will say you invaded his privacy etc and while I agree it would be wrong if he gave you no reason to, but in the circumstances, I don't blame you. It sounds like you gave him ample opportunity to speak up if something was wrong and he didn't. So please don't beat yourself up over it.

Here's my 2 cent on the situation. Meet up with him and find out the full extent of his betrayals, whether there was just intent to cheat or whether he actually did. You need to probe him and not just accept "I don't know why I did it". It'll be painful to hear but I believe you need to have this information to move forward.

After that, I would take some space from the relationship to think about it all, lick your wounds and finally, to think about what you want. Of course at the moment you don't want to lose the relationship because there has been a double whammy of him cheating and you splitting up. But really think about what do you want- has this relationship made you happy lately? What have you gotten out of it, given all the lies he has told lately? Can you trust him? These are questions you will have to ask yourself.

I know it sounds harsh but you say things were good before he moved away- if the relationship was strong enough, it would survive a strain. Again, sorry to say that, but it's something for you to consider.

So, talk to him and then take space- both of you need breathing space I think. I don't believe you could just go on as normal straightaway even if you decided to forgive him so a break is no harm.

If you do decide to forgive him, only you can decide, based on what he has told you, If he is worthy of earning your trust again. If you do forgive him and you do decide you are going to trust him again, I won't lie, it will be a rocky path for a while. But again, none of these decisions can be made lightly, so please take some time to think and look after yourself.

All the best

Thank you. What you are saying makes sense. Part of me is angry still and I guess I'll take some space and time and not make any rash decisions. I have quite a bit of thinking to do; thank you for your informative and thought provoking response. I needed it.

2rkehij30qtza5

Gosh! Sorry to read you are going through such a tough time.

If i were in your shoes I would walk away I'm afraid! But that's just me. My DH knows there are no second chances when it comes to cheating and whether your partner cheated or not, the INTENTION to do so was there.

Maybe you need to both go to relationship counselling? I certainly wouldn't be moving 5 hrs away to be with someone who doesn't seem to cherish the relationship as much as you do. Best of luck.

Ellsbells

Op am so sorry this has happened to you. There are other guys out there who won't lie, won't join dating sites and won't cheat. You don't have to stay with this guy.

Of course he is devastated - he has been rumbled.

shalalala

Hi OP. tbh from the info, I feel like something has happened sexually in the past, otherwise the porn thing wouldn't have happened.

And yes I think you were right to check up on him under the circumstances. Only you can know if you will ever be able to trust him fully again. Trust is hard to rebuild (trust me I know) and it will be even harder long distance.

Only try if you know you can forgive, If you can't then you will only damage yourself and him more.

dubstarr

I think something may have happened as he accused you of cheating out of nowhere.Maybe it was him and he was trying to make you feel guilty.
I think you need to get to teh bottom of it,it wont be pleasant but i think you need to know one way or another

Leviosa

Hi OP,

Firstly I agree with the above poster, I don't think you were out of order checking emails. While I wouldn't agree with randomly monitoring your partner you had suspicions and you acted on these. Your suspicions were right.

He may have already met up with girls from this site. How will you know that he hasn't?

Don't rush into any hasty decisions, you have a lot to think about. Don't feel pressured into thinking that because you're engaged you can't break up, it will be a lot harder to leave him if you get married.

I wish you the best of luck whatever your decision x