M.I.L guilt tripping my son over a profile pic :/

banie01

Hiya folks...
5 and half years in and bereavement and grief is still ****ty as hell!

I've posted before about my fairly fraught relationship with my late partners family and the general bitchiness I often find myself putting up with from her Mam, but yesterday the woman reached a new low!

I've been seeing someone since January of this year and it is going very well, she is a fantastic lady who has a caring empathy to her that is amazing...
Over the last few months she has been getting to know my son. On a bit by bit basis, no pressure to make sure it 'works' between them or anything if you understand me.
The thing is they get on fantastically well(Thankfully) and even down to sense of humour they both just click.
As I'm sure all here can understand, that means an awful lot to me.

Anyway over the course of the summer we'd been on a few days out and events and such and as I'm sure everyone else does nowadays, we took lots of pic's and I uploaded many as did my son.
On Tuesday I kept my son home from school as he was up sick the previous night and while he was ensconced on the couch in his quilt and playing DragonAge on Facebook he proceeded to change his Profile picture to 1 of Himself, me and my Girlfriend that was taken at Fota Island during the summer.

I spotted it, and had a chat with him about why he changed it, and explained that(knowing his Nana the way I do) it might cause some upset.
My son turns to me and says 'Dad, i changed the picture because that was my happiest day of the holidays and not because I want to upset anyone'
Which as a well thought out reason is better than any I could have come up with off the top of my head

But almost immediately, his maternal aunt puts up a collage picture of himself and his Mam under the banner 'Mommy and me'
Which did upset him, but we talked it out and regardless of what anyone else says my son will only ever have 1 mother, she will never be replaced and he saw that pic for what it was....
An effort to guilt trip a young child into feeling guilty for a happy memory that doesn't involve his mam!

Next day, we called to his Nana's and she proceed's to call me outside for a word!
Starts off with,'Its none of my business, but are you and XXXX getting married?' to which I responded she's right, it isn't any of her business but that no its early days and I'm not going to rush into anything.
Then she launches into a diatribe about how I had no feelings for her or her family after I allowed my son to change his FB picture to 1 of us 'playing happy families' and that if I had any concern for my son's wellbeing I wouldn't be introducing him to every bit of fluff that enters my life!
Because stability is what he needs not a revolving door!!!!

At this I told her that in the first instance it's been 5 and a half years since she died....
Me meeting someone else doesn't mean I love her any less!
She responded along the lines of whilst it's ok for me to move on, our son shouldn't!
I told her he chose the picture, He had his reasons and I felt they are good ones! Also that apart from monitoring and correcting inappropriate behaviour/messaging/friends on his online accounts, I refuse point blank to censor him or to make him feel guilty over being happy!

To be honest I have posted before about how 1 sided our relationship is with my late partners's family, its always us doing the running and visiting.
I feel that if she wants to pull a child over putting up a pic of himself at his happiest over the summer hols and guilt trip him over it,,,,
That she needs to ask herself why didn't he choose a happy pic of him and his Nana from over the summer?
But i know why....There aren't any!
She has been away 3 times over the summer with her other Grandchild and a niece over the summer while our son was left at home(Not that he missed out on anything! we had a blast)
But if a pic of her grandson happy bothers her so much.....should she not make an effort to build happy memories with him?
To be one of the people that he can share joy with?
It has gotten to point where my son asks me why Nana takes the others and not him, and not only is it not my place to answer him, I genuinely don't know why!

I try to make allowances for her on the basis that she is grieving too, but this is a bridge to far!
When I spoke to my son and told him Nana was mad over the picture because she thought we were replacing Mam....
He stopped for a second, looked at me and said 'sure dad even if ye do get married, I won't be getting a new mammy....I already have a Mam, she's great! I'll be getting a new friend!'
And what I still can't understand is how he....at 8 and a half can grasp that concept...!
That noone is ever going to replace his Mam, yet his Nana tries to guilt trip us both for enjoying a bit happiness!!!!

Ellsbells

My blood is boiling reading that... She is a head wreck but it sounds like you are doing everything right. Have you asked her why she treats him differently?

banie01

Thanks Ellsbells.
Of course I have spoken to her, she can't see any issue and refuses to acknowledge that she treats him differently to her other grandchild and niece.
When I point it out to her that there is, there is a change in her behaviour for a week or so and then it reverts to her usual self.
I'm beyond caring about her or her feelings at this stage but I absolutely refuse to let her try and make my son feel guilty for sharing happiness or indeed diminish his own grief.

tallaghtmick

I hate that woman and I dont even know her:mad:

Ellsbells

banie01 wrote: »

Thanks Ellsbells.
Of course I have spoken to her, she can't see any issue and refuses to acknowledge that she treats him differently to her other grandchild and niece.
When I point it out to her that there is, there is a change in her behaviour for a week or so and then it reverts to her usual self.
I'm beyond caring about her or her feelings at this stage but I absolutely refuse to let her try and make my son feel guilty for sharing happiness or indeed diminish his own grief.

I really dont know what to say... Sorry i am of no use to you but I just cant get into that womans head so I can't even guess what she is thinking?!?!??!!?

I really admire you for not just shutting her off altogether.

mberm

You're doing a great job with your son. To me she is jealous of how well you and your son have moved on.
Keep on with what you are doing. It is working for you.

banie01

tallaghtmick wrote: »

I hate that woman and I dont even know her:mad:

Thanks Mick, I share the sentiment but as she is my son's Grandmother I try hard not to let my feelings for her cloud my Son's.
I wouldn't want my feelings affecting their relationship, the thing is my son is switched on and very smart and he's questioning why she's acting that way.
I laid it out to her yesterday and explained that her behaviour was going to cost her any meaningful relationship with her grandson and that if and when he makes that choice, he will have my full support!

Ellsbells wrote: »

I really dont know what to say... Sorry i am of no use to you but I just cant get into that womans head so I can't even guess what she is thinking?!?!??!!?

I really admire you for not just shutting her off altogether.

I don't want to shut her off as she is my Son's Grandmother at the end of the day, I won't be the one to break that bond that she is unwittingly and bludersomely ignoring.
That said when/if my son decides that enough is enough I will act, and be brutal if needed.
He's being a happy and contented kid is my only concern, and always will be my 1st priority.

mberm wrote: »

You're doing a great job with your son. To me she is jealous of how well you and your son have moved on.
Keep on with what you are doing. It is working for you.

Thanks Mberm, it has been and still is a long road for us both.
But we support each other and talk, communication keeps us 2 strong as a family and keeps his Mam close too.

im invisible

wait, you let your 8 year old kid use facebook??

banie01

im invisible wrote: »

wait, you let your 8 year old kid use facebook??

Hmmm jump on the facebook part of the OP....

My son uses FB under my direct supervision and in fact doesn't even know what his password is. I log him in and out.
Its a means for him to stay in contact with some far flung family, (along with having a few games) while allowing me a greater degree of control over that contact and the appropriateness of it than I would have, if say I gave him a mobile phone.

Edit: and as I said in the O.P, I spoke to him about changing his picture and accepted his reasoning.

mikom

Send her a cow on farmville............ she might get the message.

Taltos

mikom - welcome to PI.
If you have not already read our charter either in PI and in Bereavement do so now.
Any further posts in this thread along the lines of the ones above will result in an immediate ban from the PI forum.

Due to the nature of the threads here we cannot tolerate posters who post in breach of our rules. Sorry if this comes across as harsh but in the PI forum, especially in Bereavement we cannot allow any messing about.

How the OP chooses to raise his son or what applications he allows him access to is none of our business. The question at hand is how to deal with the mother-in-law and suggesting the son send his grand mother a cow is to be further blunt puerile and not acceptable here.

Taltos

BBDBB

sounds like you have a very good grasp already on how to handle the MiL OP

calm
logical
best interests of your son at heart


I realise afterwards your blood is boiling, hence your post,

Im not sure there is a lot you can do with the Mil, other than simply be satisfied that you are doing a good job in raising a fine son in difficult circumstances and you dont need her approval for how you do it, how you live your lives or how you seek happiness

all the best

banie01

Folks, thanks for all the input and support expressed here its all appreciated.

I suppose long story short is that, all I want from my M.I.L is for her to be the link to his Mam that she can be.
To be supportive and above all be fair to my son, to treat him no differently to her other grandchild and niece.

I honestly don't ever expect her to be happy that I've 'moved on' because she seems to think moving on means I'm forgetting her Daughter,
That I'm leaving that part of me behind and burying it....
When the truth is, I'd happily give my own life to have her back, I still Love and miss her more than ever.
But the thing is, and this is where me and my M.I.L differ I think.
That I've learned that no matter how much I love her, how much I miss her....
I'll never have her back.

I spent a long time angry at the world because the woman I love.
The woman who I'd planned my entire life with, who honestly made me the man I am was taken from me..
For a long time I was mad at all the future moments I'd had stolen from me by her death.
But after a while, I realised I still had so much.
I had our Son, a living part of her...and of me that always kept me going.
I had 11yrs of fantastic memories that through the darkest days of my own grief always sparked a smile and all to often a tear and that still brighten those dark days that still come.

I still miss her, love her and regret the Future we were robbed of...
But I've learned that focusing on the good times we shared, keeps the bitterness I feel my M.I.L still experiences(and I do still at times) at bay.
Its just the sheer spitefulness of how she deals with the grief.
How she got upset over a little boy sharing a pic of himself happy.
How she took that as an insult to her daughters memory, rather than appreciating that even after his loss that he could still be that happy.
Its that, that bitterness at a child still managing to not only be happy but to want to share it too....
Thats the action/reaction I can't understand and have given up trying too.

Thanks again for the input folks.

tallaghtmick

^^^ I love this guy

You have a good grasp of the situation,you have not reacted to your MIL childish behaviour,is there any chance that she would want to meet you new girlfriend and see that shes a nice woman who wont try take her daughters place?

daenerysstormborn3

OP, nothing to add that hasn't been said already, other than fair play to you, I don't know if I could be so reasoned and rational in your position. You seem to be doing a great job with your kid by the way, he seems to be handling your new relationship with a lot of maturity for his age and that speaks volumes about the way you have raised him after the loss of his mum.

Although time has passed, it doesn't make the loss any less so, sorry for your loss.

banie01

banie01 wrote: »

Thats the action/reaction I can't understand and have given up trying too.

I wonder does your mother-in-law know that?

And if so how she feels about it?

You have plenty to say in your post above about your loss. Well if you are as thoughtful and rational as others on this thread have said......

.....what about her loss?

She lost her daughter. That's as big a loss as we can possibly imagine for a mother. She loved her and cared for her long before you even knew who she was.

Notwithstanding your very valid and genuine efforts not to compromise your son's happiness, I think you need to make a better effort to understand why your mother-in-law feels the way she feels. Because whether you like it or not, the way she feels makes perfect sense - even if what she is doing does not.

Hannibal Smith

I suppose, however difficult it is for you to accept what happened to your partner, multiply it by a million and you're not even close to how I yeas your mother in law is feeling.

We all know that letting go of someone we love is the most difficult thing in the world. We do it when they die, and then have to do it all over again through the grieving process. Some people deal with it better than others and your mother in law isn't ready to see a new face in your family dynamic.

Of course she is being unreasonable and selfish, maybe she's entitled to be, she's suffered a terrible loss, but to interfere with your son's progress with it all is not right.

Maybe she spends less time with your son because it reminds her of her daughter?

You appear to have a great relationship with your son and have a very level had with your in law situation. And I'm sure you've given plenty of allowances for their loss too. Unless suggesting she sees a counsellor to help her grieve I don't know what you can do.

Ellsbells

Deleted User wrote: »

I think you need to make a better effort to understand why your mother-in-law feels the way she feels. Because whether you like it or not, the way she feels makes perfect sense - even if what she is doing does not.

I think he has been very understanding and thats why there is still contact. Not all son in laws would put up with that. Of course she is devastated but she is the adult here and its not fair taking her grief out on the child who has already suffered enough.

banie01

Deleted User wrote: »

I wonder does your mother-in-law know that?

And if so how she feels about it?

You have plenty to say in your post above about your loss. Well if you are as thoughtful and rational as others on this thread have said......

.....what about her loss?

She lost her daughter. That's as big a loss as we can possibly imagine for a mother. She loved her and cared for her long before you even knew who she was.

Notwithstanding your very valid and genuine efforts not to compromise your son's happiness, I think you need to make a better effort to understand why your mother-in-law feels the way she feels. Because whether you like it or not, the way she feels makes perfect sense - even if what she is doing does not.

Those are very valid points Ulysess.
I hope I never have to experience the pain of losing my child....
But....
She is and adult, who has on more than one occasion berated, guilt tripped and bullied a child for expressing his own happiness along the lines of 'replacing his Mam'(This post is just about the most recent occurrence)
Her grief and loss will be with her always, but surely it is her responsibility to be sure that she doesn't begrudge her grandson achieving some happiness or make him feel any more guilt than he already does for experiencing it?

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

I suppose, however difficult it is for you to accept what happened to your partner, multiply it by a million and you're not even close to how I yeas your mother in law is feeling.

We all know that letting go of someone we love is the most difficult thing in the world. We do it when they die, and then have to do it all over again through the grieving process. Some people deal with it better than others and your mother in law isn't ready to see a new face in your family dynamic.

Of course she is being unreasonable and selfish, maybe she's entitled to be, she's suffered a terrible loss, but to interfere with your son's progress with it all is not right.

No, its not right and that is really my only issue at stage.
Regardless of her pain, she needs to support our son, he is a child dealing with loss and yes kids are resilient and cope a lot better than us adults most of the time.....
But when he is struggling to make sense of situations and looking for support it should be given, not thrown back in his face in a way that makes him question his grief, his love for his mam and his continuing place in her family.

My In-laws have been of great support at times, and have always wanted to have a part in our son's life....and they always will.
They pay great lip service to wanting to be part of his life.
But they have that place because we include them, we call to them, we visit, we are available whenever they need help....
Yet despite our living within walking distance of their house, I can count on 2 hands the number of times they have come to our home since Kate died...
And the argument could be made, that its Kate's home so its difficult to visit...
But!
We only lived here 9 months before Kate died, and even then it was only a visit or 2 so it's hardly memories or sentiment keeping them away!
Wanting to maintain a relationship is a 2 way street, and they will always be our son's grandparents but what happens when he decides he doesn't want to visit?
When he feels like a second class citizen in their home one time too many?
Because he is already questioning why he is treated differently?
And if and when he does make a choice in that regard, its his feelings I will be taking note of, its him I will be supporting regardless of how it may make my M.I.L feel!

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Maybe she spends less time with your son because it reminds her of her daughter?

So by that reasoning that would be a valid excuse for me being awkward and often distant to my son!
For my not wanting to spend time with my son too?
Because he does remind me of his mother....
His looks and mannerism's are all her's!
Because if it is....Frankly it's a pathetic cop out!

Should I turn away from him, or bully him on those occasions where I'm feeling down and all I want is his mam?
And his just being himself reminds of our loss?
Or should I appreciate him all the more for being a link to what we've lost?
Because at the end of the day, while he does remind me of her....He is his own person!
With his own personality and his own future!
And its important that he develops to be his own person, always knowing where he comes from but not held up to a template of his mam!
Imagine how hurt he would be(Indeed any child in this situation), by an insinuation that his Gran is being distant because he reminds her of her daughter?
How can any child help that, how can they help whom they remind someone of?
I'd hope in any situation where that was an issue, That the adult in that situation would at the very least mask those feelings and not compound the situation!

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

You appear to have a great relationship with your son and have a very level had with your in law situation. And I'm sure you've given plenty of allowances for their loss too. Unless suggesting she sees a counsellor to help her grieve I don't know what you can do.

Thank you,I like to think I do have a good relationship with him, I hope i do and I hope it continues as whatever else happens we have come through the worst together and strong....
I hope my little family continues that way.
My M.I.L is attending bereavement counselling on an ongoing basis and it has helped her somewhat, she is a strong woman and at times how she copes amazes me!
Whatever her grief and pain at her loss, no amount of counselling will diminish that.(From my own experience it doesn't diminish but you do get better at coping)
Hopefully it will give her the tools to cope better with grief, I know it has helped me in that regard.
But I would hope that she would temper her reactions, take a deep breath before she reacts in a way that would hurt my son.

Ellsbells wrote: »

I think he has been very understanding and thats why there is still contact. Not all son in laws would put up with that. Of course she is devastated but she is the adult here and its not fair taking her grief out on the child who has already suffered enough.

Thanks Ellsbells and as I said above, my concern is her grief being used as a stick to beat my child...
Its happened on a few too many occasions now.
She needs to be an adult and appreciate he is just a child.

Hannibal Smith

Whatever her feelings are its not right for your son to be effected by them.

And no, your son reminding her of her daughter is not an excuse for how she's behaving nor did I say it was, its just an idea of an explanation for her behaviour in not seeing him. Not every adult behaves in ways they should.

At the end of the day, if you say she's not keen on seeing your son, and he's not too big on seeing her, then why are they seeing each other? I appreciate what you're saying that its up to him to decide whether he wants to still see her, but isnt that a big responsibility for a child to decide on? In the meantime he's in a situation where he's under constant criticism over how he's feeling, and feeling guilty because of things she's saying to him. You know more than anyone the grieving process is a heavy ordeal and its unhealthy for your son to feel he has to remain stuck in it. So maybe either your mother in law stops drawing him back there or you cut her out.

banie01

Thanks Hannibal, I know you were playing Devils Advocate with that suggestion, but if I thought for one second that her thoughts were coloured along those lines, I would cut contact with her.
I was just illustrating my point as to why I wouldn't consider that a valid excuse is all
My son doesn't need that kind of stress and whatever toxicity it comes with projected onto him(No child in that situation does)
To be honest all I want from in regards to how she acts around my son is a little thought, consideration for his feelings, an appreciation that its not easy for him either, and for her to support him in that.
Not project her grief onto him. Not force him to conform to her expectation of how he 'should' be feeling.
A little self control on her part is all that takes, hard yes....
Believe me I know how hard it can be to keep a lid on sometimes....
But surely he's worth that...


Its not that she's not keen on seeing him, indeed when she doesn't see him for more than a 3/4 days I get phone calls about how I am trying to shut her out of his life and complaints about me trying to ''distance'' him from his Mam's side of his family.
Its the way he is treated when he is there, and the way he is all too often sidelined in comparison to her other Grandchildren and niece's.
Left behind while they go on trips and when they have plans made with him they are often cancelled at short notice.(while the plans made including the other kids will carry on just with him excluded)
I don't want her to treat him like a pariah, whatever her reasons.
He deserves the same love, care and respect as her other grankids/nieces...
No better, no worse.
If I was a cynical person I'd view her actions as a means of her trying to feel like she is exerting some kind of control on us 2.

On the one hand she want's to be a part of his life, and I appreciate that...
I think its important for him to have as whole and as healthy a family circle as possible.
On the other, when its not on her terms she plays the victim or acts the bully when he doesn't conform to her sense of how he should be acting(be it in happiness or in grief/rememberance of his Mam).
But my only concern at this stage is that she supports my son in his feelings, in his grief and his happiness.
That she treats him as she treats the other grankids.
Not berate him when he doesn't conform to her mood or expectation of what he should be feeling.

To be honest, anyway I've tried to handle this situation she always manages to be victim.
If I limit contact, I'm trying to exclude them from his life....
If I allow more, I'm not coping as a parent and I'm trying to take advantage of them for babysitting while I try and replace her daughter!
Trying to find the happy medium is an ongoing balancing act, that I will persevere with as long as it is of benefit to my son.

I know she is grieving and hurting, but she always manages to Martyr herself on the altar of her grief and makes no effort to understand anyone else's viewpoint(Not just mine, Her Husband and other child are in the same predicament).

Ellsbells

banie01 wrote: »

Its not that she's not keen on seeing him, indeed when she doesn't see him for more than a 3/4 days I get phone calls about how I am trying to shut her out of his life and complaints about me trying to ''distance'' him from his Mam's side of his family.

How do you respond to her when she starts on like this?

banie01

Ellsbells wrote: »

How do you respond to her when she starts on like this?

I just tell her that when he wants to visit, I bring him.
He is an 8y.o boy with a big swathe of interests and extra curriculars and sometimes he will be tired, or it will be too late to swing by and indeed sometimes he just plain doesn't want to call.
I've told I'm not going to force him to visit, but that if she wants more frequent contact that she can talk to him, make some plans, give him reasons to want to visit.
I've also pointed out that we live 5minutes walk away and that she is welcome to visit anytime.

Ellsbells

And how does she justify her behaviour? She is being totally unreasonable

banie01

Ellsbells wrote: »

And how does she justify her behaviour? She is being totally unreasonable

She doesn't....
She has never felt the need to justify her behaviour for anything.
This time has been the closest I've gotten to a justification insofar as she was looking out for my son, as he needs stability and I should have given more thought to how seeing us parading and 'playing happy families' on Facebook would make her feel.
Note what I said there...How it would make HER feel.
No concern at all for why my son chose that picture, solely for how it affected her, dressed in a veneer of concern

Her thinking seems to default to'' noone understands her pain'' and sometimes she pushes too far, its all out of love for her daughter.
Her basic pattern is push until she gets called up on her behaviour, then not so much apologize as justify the behaviour on the basis of her grief and the rest of us not understanding and being too quick to move on.

banie01

banie01 wrote: »

Those are very valid points.....

Fair enough. So what is her loss like?

Hannibal Smith

Would I be right in guessing that your mother in law has always been this way, as in its her way or no way and this is just another way its manifesting itself?

Your mother in law is never going to be on the same page as you and your son. She's lost something so precious, a child. So I do feel sorry for her. It can't be easy seeing a new face in your family and I know you do appreciate that.

So if you're maintaining contact, the sly comments to you, ignore them. Let them wash over you. Not easy, but if you absorb what she's saying you'll snap at her and play right into her hands. The comments to your son, nip them in the bud as and when they happen. You are In control of your son and ,what he is exposed to.

banie01

Deleted User wrote: »

Fair enough. So what is her loss like?

Whats your point?
That I should compare and contrast my son's loss with my M.I.Ls and explain to him that its ok for Nana to treat him differently because her daughter/His mother is dead and she meant much more to Nana than to me or him?
That I should excuse my M.I.L behaving like an ass towards my son because she has lost her daughter?
You seem to be implying that its an acceptable excuse for a 50+y.o Woman bullying an 8y.o child....
Is it? Or am i misunderstanding the thrust of your point?

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Would I be right in guessing that your mother in law has always been this way, as in its her way or no way and this is just another way its manifesting itself?

Your mother in law is never going to be on the same page as you and your son. She's lost something so precious, a child. So I do feel sorry for her. It can't be easy seeing a new face in your family and I know you do appreciate that.

So if you're maintaining contact, the sly comments to you, ignore them. Let them wash over you. Not easy, but if you absorb what she's saying you'll snap at her and play right into her hands. The comments to your son, nip them in the bud as and when they happen. You are In control of your son and ,what he is exposed to.

Yep Hannibal, that would be a fairly accurate call on her past behaviour.
I suppose if it was labelled it would be passive/aggresive/controlling.

I know it will never be easy for my In laws to see me with someone new and if I'm honest its not easy for me to be with someone new....

I will always be mindful of my In-Laws and they will always be part of my family due to both being my son's grandparents and because I still love their daughter!
But she needs to appreciate that my son will always be my priority, his best interests will come before everyone else's.
He will always have his mam 1st in his heart and his memory and she will never be replaced as his Mother....Ever!.
He will always know where he came from and who his family are.

As for your advice on how to handle the sniping, its appreciated
And to be honest is pretty much how I handle things at the minute.
Its water off a ducks back to me because, aside from anything else I've had 18yrs of it at this stage and if I was to take it personally, there would be no relationship for my son.
I do talk to her whenever there something comes up with my son because as you say, it is down to me to control what he is exposed and ensure his happiness.

Thanks again for the input folks it's all appreciated.

Hannibal Smith

Whatever way you decide to go forward with this, I really wish you the very best of luck with it and wish yourself and your son every happiness, especially considering all you've been through.

banie01

banie01 wrote: »

Whats your point?
That I should compare and contrast my son's loss with my M.I.Ls and explain to him that its ok for Nana to treat him differently because her daughter/His mother is dead and she meant much more to Nana than to me or him?
That I should excuse my M.I.L behaving like an ass towards my son because she has lost her daughter?
You seem to be implying that its an acceptable excuse for a 50+y.o Woman bullying an 8y.o child....
Is it? Or am i misunderstanding the thrust of your point?

My thrust was to establish if you really, genuinely understood her loss, and what it felt like for her.

The above post answers my question just about as clearly as it could possibly be answered - you don't. You have no idea how she feels, and you seem to refract her behaviour through the prism of your feelings, your loss, and your needs.

There's nothing wrong with that - you suffered a terrible loss, and it's no surprise that you are behaving the way that you do. But you are kidding yourself if you pretend to understand how she feels - and understanding how she feels is the key to understanding the motivation for her behaviour. If you're not willing to do that, then you're not really looking for the answer you say you are by posting this thread.

Sorry if that's not one of the answers you were looking for by posting the thread, but I really don't think you are genuinely in a position to resolve the issues that affect the triangular relationship between you, your son and your mother-in-law as matters stand. IMHO, you have some work to do to get beyond a two-dimensional (maybe even one-dimensional) view of your mother-in-law's feelings and actions, and until you do that all the advice in the world from outsiders won't really help you.

Ickle Magoo

Folks,

As per the forum charter, PI is a strictly moderated forum anyway - even more so in the Bereavement sub-forum for reasons that should be patently obvious.

If you can't offer empathetic advice sympathetically, this isn't the forum for you and refrain from posting.

Anyone who isn't sure what the remit of this forum is should read the charter HERE before posting.

Many thanks.



As per site policy, if you have an issue with any moderator instruction or request please contact a relevant moderator via PM - DO NOT drag the thread further off-topic by responding on-thread