Whats it like having friends?

1ZRed

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Aren't you that innocent guy who was serious about becoming pornstar and basically moans all day because he thinks he's entitled to a place in university? Yes, I will indeed take heed to your naive juvenile views on society.

I am. I got an opportunity and I thought about it. That has no effect on how I treat people or determines who I am as a person. I'm not a worse person because I had options like that and I can think for myself, and I have been doing so for a long time.
I've earned a place in university and it's sitting there waiting for me next September, there's no doubt about that. I have every right to be unhappy that I couldn't start my course this year, but I don't dwell on it.

And to use my age as the sole purpose to dismiss my opinion? Seems quite juvenile to me.

Sir Pompous Righteousness

1ZRed wrote: »

I am. I got an opportunity and I thought about it. That has no effect on how I treat people or determines who I am as a person. I'm not a worse person because I had options like that and I can think for myself, and I have been doing so for a long time.
I've earned a place in university and it's sitting there waiting for me next September, there's no doubt about that. I have every right to be unhappy that I couldn't start my course this year, but I don't dwell on it.

And to use my age as the sole purpose to dismiss my opinion? Seems quite juvenile to me.

I didn't mention you age, just your attitude on some other threads - it's juvenile. You could be 19 and still be more mature than some 25 year olds mentally.

GoldenLight

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Trolling is another word that seems to be used too much nowadays. To be accused of being a troll, it seems, it just another way to silence people, even though their views may be genuine. Another example of political correctness gone wild.

When you make statements like you did in the last couple of posts, that is trolling. I would prefer you continue on your rant actually, I would never try to silence someone like you sir, please continue and don't mind me, except for my question, Why are you so bitter about friends?

1ZRed

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

I didn't mention you age, just your attitude on some other threads - it's juvenile. You could be 19 and still be more mature than some 25 year olds mentally.

That's perfectly fine. I'd be interested to know why you think that out of pure curiousity, but I have no problem with you thinking that. I've seen what you've posted over the last while and I've come to my own conclusions, so you're grand.

Sir Pompous Righteousness

GoldenLight wrote: »

Why are you so bitter about friends?

Think I've already answered that.

Little Acorn

dooferoaks wrote: »

I don't really have any friends, unless you count my wife, she is occasionally friendly Not bothered by lack of friends. I am happily anti-social. I have a lot of people at work that I think I get on ok with, but they aren't friends as such,and I have no interest in what they do outside of work.

Closed my Facebook account as I really wasn't interested in what my old school friends or former work colleagues were doing or their opinion of the X factor.

Still close to my immediate family but that's all. It's much easier and less time consuming not having friends and my funeral will be much cheaper to cater.

Sorry not sure if you intended it but those bits in bold made me laugh. A wife that's 'occasionally' friendly, and so practical minded thinking about the sandwiches at a future funeral.
Someone (perhaps unintentionally?) funny like yourself could probably have quite a few friends if you wanted, but as you said, you are very happy the way you are so keep doing what keeps you happy.

hefferboi

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Aren't you that innocent guy who was serious about becoming pornstar and basically moans all day because he thinks he's entitled to a place in university? Yes, I will indeed take heed to your naive juvenile views on society.

I wouldn't mind being a pornstar myself. How did it work out?

Eve_Dublin

pragmatic1 wrote: »

I think you do have a choice Thomas. You seem like a sound lad.

You do seem lovely, Thomas from reading your posts. Genuinely. Articulate and sincere. As Pragmatic said, give yourself a chance. Don't give up on yourself. If your happy as you are, then great...but it doesn't sound like you are. It's time to stick your neck out and put in a bit of effort. Perhaps you're no good at making friends because you've never really tried? You have to keep reminding yourself that your a decent person and worthy of friendship. Don't ever believe you're not. Good luck.

Toby Take a Bow

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Amongst "friends", there are usually those who are dominant and those who are submissive. The submissive "friend" is usually the one who has bought into the happy-go-lucky bullshit from a very early age while the dominant "friend" has awoken to the bullshit and is now just playing his/her cards.

For instance, "friends" might do each other favours now and again but they're not doing it for nothing; they're usually doing it with the expectation, sometimes rather naively, that you'll return the favour at some point down the line. Usually the dominant "friend" is more likely to win over on these occasion because he/she probably gauges which "friend" is more likely to return the favour and less likely to screw them over.

The reality is, in your entire lifetime, there might only be one or two people you could really call friends, but even then you're pushing it. If there was a way to read people's minds, then people would immediately realises the true nature of "friends" for what they really are. Most people awaken and realise the true nature of "friends" at some point in their lives.

I've definitely seen the 'dominant' and 'submissive' (potential and ex) friends in my time. Both of them are quite manipulative, so I tend to steer clear of them (once I'm aware of what they're doing). I think if you choose your friends carefully, or are at least aware of what some people are trying to do, you can end up with friends who are not manipulative. I find you go through periods (usually when you're younger) when you have loads of friends, and then you narrow them down to people whose company you enjoy and who enjoy your company. It's not the case for everyone, however. I knew a guy in work who, as far as I could tell, had no friends and seemed quite happy with that situation. Fair play if that's what you want.

doomed

Hi Tom

Having got the obligatory reference to your username off my chest - you are waaaay too short to play Jack Reacher in the movie - friends are important and you need to take some steps. Don't just wait for it to happen. I say this with the benefit of hindsight. Shyness is a curse.

Work is a good place to meet people but if its a small place and the age groups don't match that might not always happen. If there are any organised social activities in the place then join in even if its not your thing. If there is nothing happening suggest some form of outing, whether this is going to the dogs the pub, bog snorkelling or whatever.

Night classes are a possibility. A lot of people in these classes don't know anyone else. Make yourself talk to the other people in the class. You may not make friends but a friendly word makes people feel better and that is worth doing for itself.

Other options are clubs where people have a shared interest (drama, walking or whatever), volunteering.

The other important thing is that when you have friends, even not very close, it takes effort to keep things going. Meet regularly, give them a call, e-mail etc.

Wibbs

When I started reading this thread I thought maybe better suited to PI and/or it's going to be interesting to read peoples experiences. Then I saw this and TBH did smirk, but thought it a bit strong at the same time.

Rawhead wrote: »

You came to the wrong place if you think any of the goatee wearing, no mate arseholes on this site can help you. It's like going to Tallaght and asking what it's like to have a job.

With some of the answers that followed from some I was less sure..

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

Blahh!! This is exactly the sort of drivel I would have expected from someone with such a conformist username like "iPhone Crusader". Sounds like you buy into the propaganda too much.

In the real world, "friends" are overrated. The idea of "friends" might seem nice from the outset but really it's bullshit most of the time; people may say that they're friends but really they're looking for some mutual benefits, either sex or to be used in other ways.

Jesus. Talk about an extreme point of view. Now that's cool and the gang, takes all sorts, but it's most certainly an extreme. If you've always felt this way than maybe you're wired that way, if not and this has changed over the years I'd respectfully suggest maybe looking deeper into the whys. I dont mean for societies sake either, fcuk that, I mean for yours.

PyeContinental wrote: »

Sorry to see there have been so many "jokey" responses to what seems like a genuine search for a bit of empathy or reassurance.
I can tell you three things that should help you.

One is that everyone finds it hard to make friends, and while it might seem that everyone else has got life sorted out and is at ease with themselves and everyone else, inside they feel the same insecurities as you. Everyone has doubts and fears about themselves, even people who seem completely confident. Telling you this isn't going to fix anything for you right away, but once you realise this for yourself, you can start to look outwards more, and focus less on worrying about how others might perceive you.

The other thing to tell you is that you must make an effort to be approachable to people and to approach people. It takes energy and willpower to be friendly and pleasant and interesting to people. It's a cliche, but you need to be interested in something to be interesting. Get a hobby, preferably an outdoors one, and get out and enjoy it.

The third thing is exercise. Physical exercise is very beneficial for your mood and general sense of well-being, so anytime you're feeling lethargic or are tempted to feel sorry for yourself, don't. Give yourself a kick up the arse and get out for a walk. You'll feel happier and more energetic for having done it. Do this regularly, and this will help you to keep a positive mental attitude, which in turn will make you more attractive to people.

Great post PyeContinental and great advice too. However I would disagree with the part I bolded. Though it may be reassuring and often said(no bad thing) it's not accurate IMHO. Everyone does not find it hard to make friends. Some find it very easy, some find it very hard, with most people in the middle to one degree or other. We're a social animal it's what we do. We build social networks throughout life. That is if things are proceeding "normally". I parenthesise normally as depending on different factors normal changes all the time. EG with the rise of the interweb different social groups and connections come about that are normal now, but would have been seen as abnormal or just novel 20 years ago. Internet dating as an example.

Even so, broadly speaking socially, emotionally and mentally healthy people have some level of mutually beneficial social networks, be they large or small, even if they only be one. Someone with such a network is going to be more content overall than someone who doesn't. Social isolation can be incredibly damaging for people. Doubly so and compounded by anyone suffering from mental/emotional illness(I personally prefer to think of them as emotional illnesses). It's why interrogators and torturers fall back on solitary confinement as a very useful tool in breaking someone. Cos it works.

The world we live in today brings it's own stresses. Even though we've never been more connected to and in a position to know more about other people, it seems more and more certain people are left out of that. Kinda ironic. Maybe it's because it seems more and more people are connecting(but often aren't) some feel even more left out of the loop? There's also an element of misery loves company on the interweb. Like minded people have always gravitated towards each other, but the interweb can exaggerate that and sometimes to an unhealthy degree. So in the same way you can have say a car owners club that's very internalised about just one car model and the people within it enable and exaggerate and normalise that, you can also have things like pro anorexia clubs that enable and exaggerate and normalise that. To a lesser extent you may see that with more extreme introverts(who naturally will gravitate more towards online interaction) and even people with social anxiety, depression etc. Basically it's best to apply a gimlet and objective eye to all such groups/memes as it may not reflect a greater reality.

ThomasFlynn wrote: »

Some of us tell ourselves we aren't good enough to make friends.

FYP T. Some of the biggest low life scumbags I've ever met had friends. You're so far away from being a low life it's not funny, so don't ever think of yourself as being not good enough. You're struggling with an illness a right bastard of one too and yet explain how you do so eloquently and took the biggest and bravest step of all to get help in that struggle. You're not good enough T? Bollocks, if you'll pardon my french. The more you climb out of this mental hole you're in you'll see that more and more. Not may see that BTW, Will see that. Money back guarantee.

ruthloss

I have great friends., it's just my family that drive me insane.:o

Defiler Of The Coffin

Wibbs wrote: »

When I started reading this thread I thought maybe better suited to PI and/or it's going to be interesting to read peoples experiences. Then I saw this and TBH did smirk, but thought it a bit strong at the same time.

With some of the answers that followed from some I was less sure..

Jesus. Talk about an extreme point of view. Now that's cool and the gang, takes all sorts, but it's most certainly an extreme. If you've always felt this way than maybe you're wired that way, if not and this has changed over the years I'd respectfully suggest maybe looking deeper into the whys. I dont mean for societies sake either, fcuk that, I mean for yours.



Great post PyeContinental and great advice too. However I would disagree with the part I bolded. Though it may be reassuring and often said(no bad thing) it's not accurate IMHO. Everyone does not find it hard to make friends. Some find it very easy, some find it very hard, with most people in the middle to one degree or other. We're a social animal it's what we do. We build social networks throughout life. That is if things are proceeding "normally". I parenthesise normally as depending on different factors normal changes all the time. EG with the rise of the interweb different social groups and connections come about that are normal now, but would have been seen as abnormal or just novel 20 years ago. Internet dating as an example.

Even so, broadly speaking socially, emotionally and mentally healthy people have some level of mutually beneficial social networks, be they large or small, even if they only be one. Someone with such a network is going to be more content overall than someone who doesn't. Social isolation can be incredibly damaging for people. Doubly so and compounded by anyone suffering from mental/emotional illness(I personally prefer to think of them as emotional illnesses). It's why interrogators and torturers fall back on solitary confinement as a very useful tool in breaking someone. Cos it works.

The world we live in today brings it's own stresses. Even though we've never been more connected to and in a position to know more about other people, it seems more and more certain people are left out of that. Kinda ironic. Maybe it's because it seems more and more people are connecting(but often aren't) some feel even more left out of the loop? There's also an element of misery loves company on the interweb. Like minded people have always gravitated towards each other, but the interweb can exaggerate that and sometimes to an unhealthy degree. So in the same way you can have say a car owners club that's very internalised about just one car model and the people within it enable and exaggerate and normalise that, you can also have things like pro anorexia clubs that enable and exaggerate and normalise that. To a lesser extent you may see that with more extreme introverts(who naturally will gravitate more towards online interaction) and even people with social anxiety, depression etc. Basically it's best to apply a gimlet and objective eye to all such groups/memes as it may not reflect a greater reality.

FYP T. Some of the biggest low life scumbags I've ever met had friends. You're so far away from being a low life it's not funny, so don't ever think of yourself as being not good enough. You're struggling with an illness a right bastard of one too and yet explain how you do so eloquently and took the biggest and bravest step of all to get help in that struggle. You're not good enough T? Bollocks, if you'll pardon my french. The more you climb out of this mental hole you're in you'll see that more and more. Not may see that BTW, Will see that. Money back guarantee.

All that, also it makes it far easier to get tickets to the All-Ireland

johnwest288

OP just sent u a request virtual scoops tonight in the AF bar? 22 hundred hours. ill have my becks N\A

heisenburger

chin up Thomas, things can only get better! Boards beers could be a good first step!

tallaghtmick

Rawhead wrote: »

You came to the wrong place if you think any of the goatee wearing, no mate arseholes on this site can help you. It's like going to Tallaght and asking what it's like to have a job.

Its alright I guess,id rather be out robbing cars and shouting ah here leave ih ouh.

midlandsmissus

tallaghtmick wrote: »

Its alright I guess,id rather be out robbing cars and shouting ah here leave ih ouh.

I think ah here leave ih ou has by popular consensus taken over from blast them with piss as the new boards saying. We've been due a new one!

efb

Ah heyer leave it ouh!

Jellicoe

A lot of so called 'friends' are just users. Dump em.
It's quality not quantity you need.

Savage924

Rawhead wrote: »

It's like going to Tallaght and asking what it's like to have a job.

Not nice...:mad:

Savage924

Sir Pompous Righteousness wrote: »

We're all untrustworthy and exploitative in some way or another.

Say's alot about yourself , but don't talk for others.

Daveysil15

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ― Bob Marley

Jellicoe

I noticed the quality of 'friends' declined considerably with the rise of the celtic tiger.
People became much more greedy and set out to use others much more.
It hasn't really recovered much since then.
Now they are just greedy and broke.

SuperInfinity

I haven't had friends in years. Almost everyone's always hated me. Even some of my "friends" back then I think were just being polite. I could never figure it out.

tallaghtmick

Savage924 wrote: »

Not nice...:mad:

Dont mind em they are all wind up merchants.....who I will stab and rob etc etc etc

Wee Willy Harris

Ask the Dutch girl, who had 30,000 suckers convene on the premise of a rave for her birthday

Which she of course didn't attend herself, but Holland eh... land of the gullible!

SuperInfinity

Wee Willy Harris wrote: »

Ask the Dutch girl, who had 30,000 suckers convene on the premise of a rave for her birthday

Which she of course didn't attend herself, but Holland eh... land of the gullible!

Just out of idle curiosity, who? She must have been far above mere commonfolk that she would not attend herself...

edit: http://www.inquisitr.com/339950/wheres-the-party-thousands-storm-tiny-dutch-hamlet-after-facebook-invitation-goes-viral/

Seems more like trespassing and hooliganism than attending her party, she didn't ask for them to come.

kowloon

midlandsmissus wrote: »

I think ah here leave ih ou has by popular consensus taken over from blast them with piss as the new boards saying. We've been due a new one!

Strike one down and another shall take its place...

Napper Hawkins

If you're ever feeling down and unwanted, before you self diagnose yourself as depressed, first make sure you're not just hanging around with a bunch of complete kunts.

That revelation changed my life.

Blondini

PyeContinental wrote: »

Sorry to see there have been so many "jokey" responses to what seems like a genuine search for a bit of empathy or reassurance.
I can tell you three things that should help you.

One is that everyone finds it hard to make friends, and while it might seem that everyone else has got life sorted out and is at ease with themselves and everyone else, inside they feel the same insecurities as you. Everyone has doubts and fears about themselves, even people who seem completely confident. Telling you this isn't going to fix anything for you right away, but once you realise this for yourself, you can start to look outwards more, and focus less on worrying about how others might perceive you.

The other thing to tell you is that you must make an effort to be approachable to people and to approach people. It takes energy and willpower to be friendly and pleasant and interesting to people. It's a cliche, but you need to be interested in something to be interesting. Get a hobby, preferably an outdoors one, and get out and enjoy it.

The third thing is exercise. Physical exercise is very beneficial for your mood and general sense of well-being, so anytime you're feeling lethargic or are tempted to feel sorry for yourself, don't. Give yourself a kick up the arse and get out for a walk. You'll feel happier and more energetic for having done it. Do this regularly, and this will help you to keep a positive mental attitude, which in turn will make you more attractive to people.

Superb advice...

midlandsmissus

Napper Hawkins wrote: »

If you're ever feeling down and unwanted, before you self diagnose yourself as depressed, first make sure you're not just hanging around with a bunch of complete kunts.

That revelation changed my life.

I used to hang around with absolute bitchs that werent friends in any remotest sense of the word,but I didnt have the confidence to realised I deserve better friends.

I shook them off, loved myself first and made better quality friends.

Dont settle for crap friends,that is not what true friendship is.

Jellicoe

Napper Hawkins wrote: »

If you're ever feeling down and unwanted, before you self diagnose yourself as depressed, first make sure you're not just hanging around with a bunch of complete kunts.

That revelation changed my life.

Spot on. So many people don't work this out.

PyeContinental

Wibbs wrote: »

Great post PyeContinental and great advice too. However I would disagree with the part I bolded. Though it may be reassuring and often said(no bad thing) it's not accurate IMHO. Everyone does not find it hard to make friends. Some find it very easy, some find it very hard, with most people in the middle to one degree or other.

Hi Wibbs, and sorry to be bringing this thread up to the front page again when it seems like it has run its course, but I haven't had time to give a proper reply until now.

Maybe it is hyperbole to say "everyone" finds it hard to make friends. If I had said something like "most people don't find it easy" then it's not contradictory to how you rephrased it, and I don't think it concedes the intended point of the message which is that while it may seem to the OP that he is the only person in the world to whom friendship and confidence with people does not come easy, he is in fact very much not alone in this.

The temptation is for people such as himself (maybe we could say people who are depressed) is to say to themselves that they are uniquely affected by this problem, and to wallow in it and feel sorry for themselves, and feel envious of others who seem to have it easy in life. As beks101 said, this line of thinking is a mental block and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and I think that people who are depressed who give in to this line of thinking can actually revel in seeing their "prophecy" come right, as this reaffirms their negative thinking.

beks101 wrote: »

That's exactly what it is, a mental block enforced by a barrage of constant negative thoughts that has probably provoked a depression as well that won't allow for any new way of thinking.

I'm sorry for your situation, but at this stage you are a self fufilling prophecy.

My advice is not to give in to this thinking, and to refuse to wallow in it. It's in a sense, the harsh "snap out of it" line, which is not currently in favour, and can't be said to anyone with depression, but you can say it to yourself. I believe that you can pick yourself up by your bootstraps, and tell yourself that you deserve better, and that you're not going to wrap yourself in the familiar security blanket of negative thoughts.

The easy way to go on is to decide that life has just dealt you a bad hand and that you need to accept that you are different from all those other happy and lucky people in the world. However, once you realise for yourself that no one is always charismatic and confident and free of insecurities and devoid of self-doubt (except for perhaps the concession to Wibbs that there might be some rare people who are ) then I think you gain the understanding that it is possible to pick yourself up and find the determination to make things better for yourself.

AngeGal wrote: »

Nobody is born likeable or charismatic, they're skills developed.

This would be my thinking as well. When you see someone who is likeable or charismatic, you are seeing the fruits of labour, not the unfairness of someone having been dealt a better hand in life than you.

It sounds like Thomas is doing absolutely the right thing by getting out and seeing the world, and to do it on your own takes the kind of confidence that I would say most people don't have. If nothing else, you are broadening your horizons, but I think things will get better for you. Good luck to everyone who might be feeling like they have a hard lot in life. I really believe things will get better for you if you decide that you are worthy of better.