Parenting alone for years - another child now?

LegacyUser

Having spent eight years parenting alone, I am now in a great relationship with a wonderful man and my life really couldn't be better at the moment. He adores my son and my life is better than it's ever been.
When I say parenting alone - I mean almost entirely alone!! I had very little support at the start as I have a small family and had moved to a new area, so had few friends. I spent the first two years of my childs life crying with the tiredness and lonliness and the utter frustration of being alone with him so much. His dad was never involved, and we split when I was pregnant. So I muddled through those first few years and now have a wonderful 8yr old, but I have very bad memories of the early stages of his life - looking back, all I can really see is me in tears!!!

So here's the issue. I'm 40. My partner is 42. He wants a child. We are in a stable committed relationship and are getting engaged at christmas, so while I'm not concerned that he might abandon me (the way my previous partner did), I AM concerned that I will be a basket case for the first few years of the childs life. I am also terrified that all those old feelings of lonliness and fear of abandonment will return if I was to have a child - that the fear that was in me for the first few years of my sons life, will come back to haunt me!

I had a great pregnancy and birth on my son, so none of that bothers me at all...but the thoughts that having a child might bring back all of those old feelings has me terrified. My age is also worrying me, but I will go to my GP and discuss that issue and weigh up the pros and cons.
What advice can anyone offer me, given that I know if I have a child, I won't regret having it!! But if I let this fear rule my decision, I probably won't get pregnant and will regret doing that, given that my partner really wants a child!!
Really appreciate any input, as this issue is going round and round in my head for the past two months!

Hannibal Smith

I think its different the second time. You've more a clue of what you're doing and more with it. Having said that, the first 12 weeks are still exhausting, but this time you'll have an 8 year old and a supportive partner to help you.

I don't know how you managed to do it by yourself on your first son. Fair play to you, I was an exhausted wreck too, and I had a very supportive husband. Any one who does it themselves deserves a medal!

If you both decide having a baby is for you and you find yourself feeling exhausted and tearful, talk about it. Talk to your partner, your phn or your gp, whoever but don't feel you have to carry on regardless or you're not up to the job. You're more capable than I would have been!

pwurple

You are aware of the risks of a pregnancy in your 40's but are you also aware of your fertility? A lot also find it more difficult to get pregnant. There is a drop off in fertility after 35, and it keeps dropping.

So, knowing that, why wait any longer? If you both want a child and are worried about the father being there to support you, get that commitment from him now (nip down the registry office and make it legal) and start trying. You can have a wedding party later.

Don't forget, as well as having the support of your partner, you will also have a helper in your son. Big brothers are great.

Sleepy

Having a baby in a two parent home can't but be a huge amount easier: there's two to share the sleepless nights so you're less sleep deprived, there's someone else who can tell you to feck off out of the house for the afternoon a couple of times a week so you can get some head space, there's someone else to do half the nappies, laundry loads and there's someone there to give you a hug and make you (another) cup of coffee when you feel like you're doing everything wrong / so exhausted you can't move etc.

There's also the huge difference (if both of ye work) that you can get at least one lie in on the weekend: taking turns to get up with the baby / small kids.

And as pwurple says, an 8 year old should be able to help in small ways, even if it's just bringing the stinking nappy out to the bin etc.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I was in almost the same position as you (met new partner when son was 2), I know I can only speak for myself but for me, it is TOTALLY different with a supportive partner, my second baby boy is now 18 months and we are all just delighted with ourselves Initially I had told my partner that a second child was not an option as I had struggled with single parenting a lot and just couldn't go there again and to be fair, he respected this while being quite sad about it as he wanted to have a child. I changed my mind over time, the more stable I felt in the relationship and the more I saw of him as a Dad to my first son changed my way of thinking (very slowly!) and I am 100% sure we tried for our baby when I wanted to have another child as opposed to "doing it for him", there's not much I wouldn't do for him but I draw the line at having a child

Was still incredibly nervous during the pregnancy but once my baby was born, I was utterly delighted. The birth experience itself was totally different, my partner was with me and while I know there is only so much control over labour and birth, I felt so much more relaxed and secure because he was there helping me and it was a much easier birth than my first son (no partner then). The days and weeks that followed were definitely tough but no more than it is for any other new parents - it was such a novelty for me to be able to say "just popping out to the shops, keep an eye on junior" which am sure sounds mad to some people but I felt solely responsible for my first son from the second he was born and could never leave him easily. It was great having someone to shop for baby stuff with, talk with, make decisions with - although I had very supportive friends and family during my first pregnancy, it's not quite the same as a partner and I loved it second time round. As another poster pointed out, the lie on's are great, we take turns with everything so no-one ever gets overwhelmed. My first son's babyhood passed in a blur of anxiety and exhaustion and I am sorry about that but it was incredibly overwhelming to be living alone with a baby and trying to work full time also.

I used to wonder how anyone had a second child, why would you put yourself through this again, but I can see the difference now and we are thinking of a third although time is not on my side either (am also 40). We're a very happy family now, rows and all, and I am just so glad I changed my mind. Best of luck with your decision,

xx