Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

whirlpool

Do people still do that?

Where To

admiralofthefleet

yes i asked her father. its only manners

Mickey H

I haven't proposed to anyone yet, so no.

Rabies

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

yes i asked her father. its only manners

Really?
If her father said no what would you have done? Walked away and ended the relationship?

Tombi!

Rabies wrote: »

Really?
If her father said no what would you have done? Walked away and ended the relationship?

Cause not!
Marry her anyway and be known as the rebel of the family.

BillyMitchel

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

yes i asked her father. its only manners

What if he had said no, would you of went ahead anyway?

Edit: asked already!

astonaidan

Im going to set the bastard tasks

delw

f**k no but they asked/begged me so i said ok

guppy

Yes, it's still done.

My husband did not ask permission from my father though as, unsurprisingly (to me, my husband, my family) I am not his "property" to be given away. My sisters husband did not ask, nor did my brother request his father in law's permission for the same reason.

However, my cousin's (3 girls) now husbands all asked permission, and it was expected and encouraged by my cousins.

If you're asking for a particular reason, I'm sure you'll know by now if it's expected of you or not.

Merch

guppy wrote: »

Yes, it's still done.

My husband did not ask permission from my father though as, unsurprisingly (to me, my husband, my family) I am not his "property" to be given away. My sisters husband did not ask, nor did my brother request his father in law's permission for the same reason.

However, my cousin's (3 girls) now husbands all asked permission, and it was expected and encouraged by my cousins.

If you're asking for a particular reason, I'm sure you'll know by now if it's expected of you or not.

Insane!
Its in my head to ask where they live as maybe there are certain places that this is more likely to happen , but I still think its mad, but better not. On the other hand, which century were they living in?/did this occur in?
The 20th? seems like eons ago, so maybe

WhimSock

It's the opposite in my house. My parents keep asking people to marry me

Merch

I'm suspicious some kind of deal went on behind my back, exchange of brown envelopes, I just dont get it otherwise.

guppy

Merch wrote: »

Insane!
Its in my head to ask where they live as maybe there are certain places that this is more likely to happen , but I still think its mad, but better not. On the other hand, which century were they living in?/did this occur in?
The 20th? seems like eons ago, so maybe

They live(d) in Raheny and this was within this century! I think they imagined it was romantic or some such nonsense. It was actually embarrassing as the "asking permission" by the 2 younger cousins boyfriends was completely staged and obviously set up in advance in consultation with the women

admiralofthefleet

Rabies wrote: »

Really?
If her father said no what would you have done? Walked away and ended the relationship?

BillyMitchel wrote: »

What if he had said no, would you of went ahead anyway?

Edit: asked already!

i knew he was going to say yes

Senna

I asked her father the day before I proposed, seemed like a nice tradition to keep up.

Rabies

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

i knew he was going to say yes

Defeats the purpose of asking then

passatman86

i asked her fathers permission - he said yes = im married a month now

Senna

Rabies wrote: »

Defeats the purpose of asking then

If you even remotely thought the answer could be NO, then you wouldn't ask.

Amirani

I think it's disrespectful to the potential wife. It's an outdated, sexist practice.

skepticalone

my dad gave him 3 cows 2 bars of gold and frogmarched him up the aisle while my cousins has a shotgun up their trouser legs just in case the bollix tried to do a runner !

Mickey H

NiallSparky wrote: »

I think it's disrespectful to the potential wife. It's an outdated, sexist practice.

Agree with this. I mean, it's not like I'm borrowing a ladder or something that he might be using. That would be different.

skepticalone

young boy asks his dad why the bride always wears white on her wedding day ....dad replied .. well son you see all domestic appliances come in white .

HeyThereDeliah

NiallSparky wrote: »

I think it's disrespectful to the potential wife. It's an outdated, sexist practice.

It's tradition. Some people want to call it sexist etc its really not. There is no harm in showing a little respect to your in laws to be.

guppy

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

It's tradition. Some people want to call it sexist etc its really not. There is no harm in showing a little respect to your in laws to be.

It's a contentious issue. You see it as respecting in laws to be, I see it as disrespectful to your wife to be. But seeing as its between a man and woman (and another man and woman in some circumstances), it's your (collectively or not) business alone and nobody elses.

HeyThereDeliah

guppy wrote: »

It's a contentious issue. You see it as respecting in laws to be, I see it as disrespectful to your wife to be. But seeing as its between a man and woman (and another man and woman in some circumstances), it's your (collectively or not) business alone and nobody elses.

I see it as a little bit of tradition tbh, I would not be offended if it happened or not I don't see it as an issue.
What I find interesting is people who are against it go with other traditions like the church wedding ,the white dress, giving the bride away etc either it's all sexist/outdated or its all tradition, it's the people who pick and choose to suit their own agenda that annoys me.

Gbear

I don't think it should really be seen as sexist.

It's a courtesy to your wife-to-be's parents. You're not really asking for permission. If they say no you're not going to say "oh well" and not marry her.

It's a bit like if there's one seat on a bus. You ask the person sitting beside the empty seat "do you mind if I sit there?" to be polite. You're going to sit there regardless. You're not asking on the basis that they own the chair and you actually need permission.

Allyall

NiallSparky wrote: »

I think it's disrespectful to the potential wife. It's an outdated, sexist practice.

Mickey H wrote: »

Agree with this. I mean, it's not like I'm borrowing a ladder or something that he might be using. That would be different.

It's not really asking for their permission, it's more to do with asking for their blessing, i.e. Would they be happy to see the pair of you together for (life) a long time.

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

I see it as a little bit of tradition tbh, I would not be offended if it happened or not I don't see it as an issue.
What I find interesting is people who are against it go with other traditions like the church wedding ,the white dress, giving the bride away etc either it's all sexist/outdated or its all tradition, it's the people who pick and choose to suit their own agenda that annoys me.

I agree, it's more of a tradition then anything, and done out of respect for her parents.. I don't think it's sexist, as you said, if it was, then so is all of the stuff that comes afterwards.. (Giving her away etc..)

If they were going to disapprove, you would already know, and you wouldn't ask/care.. In which case, they may have been correct..

Gbear wrote: »

I don't think it should really be seen as sexist.

It's a courtesy to your wife-to-be's parents. You're not really asking for permission. If they say no you're not going to say "oh well" and not marry her.

It's a bit like if there's one seat on a bus. You ask the person sitting beside the empty seat "do you mind if I sit there?" to be polite. You're going to sit there regardless. You're not asking on the basis that they own the chair and you actually need permission.

.. Comparing Your possible wife-to-be, to a seat on the bus.. :D

I don't think it's quite like that..

amtc

My very subtle dad asked my boyfriend who was doing some DIY in my parents house as to whether or not he could put up a shelf for me to perch on.

That was the end of that relationship!

dotsman

It's no more sexist or outdated than most other traditions to do with weddings/marriage.

I assume anybody who thinks it's sexist also disagrees with the guy getting the girl an engagement ring, or her wearing white on the big day, or the guy being the one to propose etc

It's simply a gesture and, as Allyall put it, the guy is more asking for the father's blessing as opposed to actual permission. It is the first part of the husband-to-be taking over from the father as the most important man in the girls life (the second part is the father then walking her down the aisle and passing her over to the groom).

I'm not married/engaged, but when I do, if the girl has a close bond with her father, then I see it as something that would be right to do. Obviously, if the father was a prick/abusive/absent from her life etc, then fcuk him.

yore

Rabies wrote: »

Really?
If her father said no what would you have done? Walked away and ended the relationship?

Or just keep riding his daughter and intermittently remind him that it's a pity you didn't make an "honest woman" out of her when she had the chance; and that she isn't getting any younger.....or if she ends up "up the pole", tell him that he can at least now refer to the baby as the bastard grandchild!

It could come in handy as a good get-out-of-jail card

BizzyC

If I was going to do it I wouldn't be "asking permission", but I would let the father know before doing it.

mikemac1

guppy wrote: »

My husband did not ask permission from my father though as, unsurprisingly (to me, my husband, my family) I am not his "property" to be given away.

Your father gives you away at the wedding though

What other reason is there that he walks you up the aisle and then leaves you at the top with your future husband and the priest

reeta

It is still fairly common, a guy I work with asked his girlfriends dad last weekend (and we live in Dublin):)

mikemac1

You need to ask anyway

Find out the dowry

How many acres does she have and is there good drainage?
Bonus points for road frontage!!

The Big Red Button

My father would not want to be asked. Him and I are very close, and he's an old-fashioned guy, but even so he wouldn't like it. He always encouraged myself and all my family to be independent people; he certainly would not want or expect to be "asked" for his permission for me to get married. As far as he's concerned, it's not his decision to make - and he's a practical guy, he wouldn't see any point in going through a pointless "tradition" just for the sake of it.

I'd be pretty disappointed, too, if a boyfriend asked him. It would show that they didn't really understand or respect me or my family dynamics.

mikemac1 wrote: »

Your father gives you away at the wedding though

What other reason is there that he walks you up the aisle and then leaves you at the top with your future husband and the priest

That's often not done anymore. In many cases, both parents walk up the aisle with the bride, or the bride walks up the aisle on her own.

El Guapo!

I just got engaged a couple of months ago and I asked her dad first. If he said no I was still doing it anyway.
I just see it as a nice tradition. And so does my girlfriend. She had said to me before, that if I was ever gonna propose, she thought its be a nice thing to do.
I wasn't really asking for permission, just kinda letting him know.
Nothing sexist about it. People claiming its sexist and getting outraged over it are just being sensationalist and looking to be offended by something.
If you're offended by it, then I suppose you'll also be offended if I hold a door open for you and say "Ladies first".
It's not being sexist, just a nice thing to do in my opinion.

Pherekydes

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

What I find interesting is people who are against it go with other traditions like the church wedding ,the white dress, giving the bride away etc either it's all sexist/outdated or its all tradition, it's the people who pick and choose to suit their own agenda that annoys me.

Allyall wrote: »

I agree, it's more of a tradition then anything, and done out of respect for her parents.. I don't think it's sexist, as you said, if it was, then so is all of the stuff that comes afterwards.. (Giving her away etc..)

dotsman wrote: »

I assume anybody who thinks it's sexist also disagrees with the guy getting the girl an engagement ring, or her wearing white on the big day, or the guy being the one to propose etc

It's amusing the number of people who think that all the traditions to do with marriage are just one big package.

"If one is sexist, they all must be sexist." :rolleyes:

Shenshen

whirlpool wrote: »

Do people still do that?

I never asked my husband's parents for permission before I proposed to him.
And if he had proposed to me and I had found out he'd asked my parents, I would have thought long and hard if I should accept. I'm not my parent's property, and I'm not sure I'd want a husband who entertains such a notion.

Shenshen

dotsman wrote: »

It's no more sexist or outdated than most other traditions to do with weddings/marriage.

I assume anybody who thinks it's sexist also disagrees with the guy getting the girl an engagement ring, or her wearing white on the big day, or the guy being the one to propose etc

It's simply a gesture and, as Allyall put it, the guy is more asking for the father's blessing as opposed to actual permission. It is the first part of the husband-to-be taking over from the father as the most important man in the girls life (the second part is the father then walking her down the aisle and passing her over to the groom).

I'm not married/engaged, but when I do, if the girl has a close bond with her father, then I see it as something that would be right to do. Obviously, if the father was a prick/abusive/absent from her life etc, then fcuk him.

Personally, I proposed to my husband.
We had a civil ceremony with a registrar in the hotel we had the celbration in, and I wore purple.
I did take his name, but that was mostly because mine is a bugger to spell.

As I said, if he had so much as suggested to ask my mother (I haven't had any contact with my father in nearly 20 years now) I probably wouldn't be married.

Shenshen

This topic always makes me think of Dara O'Briain :

"If one of my daughter's boyfriends ever came to me to ask for her hand, I would set the fecker TASKS!"

Staplor

I did it, would recommend others do it, her Dad loved it, it was a nod of respect to him.

Real Life

im not even in a relationship so not relevant at the moment but if i was getting married i would tell the bride to bes father maybe but not ask him.

rainbow kirby

I'd find it a bit strange tbh - it's a bit of a relic of the bad old days.

folan

her mother keeps referring to me as the future son in law. i think ill be ok.

Abi

I wish it was still traditional. My aul lad would have laughed his hole off at him first then pointed the business end of a shot gun at the fücker.

eviltwin

Why the Dad though, does her mother not deserve the same respect?

My husband didn't ask, he wouldn't have thought about it, he knows it wouldn't go down well with me We decided ourselves to get married, there was no proposal.

If it had been a traditional proposal I think I would hate the idea that someone else knew his plans before I did.

inmyday

Dean09 wrote: »

If you're offended by it, then I suppose you'll also be offended if I hold a door open for you and say "Ladies first".
It's not being sexist, just a nice thing to do in my opinion.

I disagree. I hold the door open to men, women and children. I generally do the nice thing to anyone really. But "ladies first" and asking the father in law permission is really old fashioned.

And if I asked my OH's dad for permission, he would tell me fcuk off, and stop asking stupid questions. Ask her not me!

Its nearly like saying, that the woman in question doesnt really make the decision, us MEN will look after her. The poor little woman, she needs looking after. She cant make any decision, except when it comes to clothes and cleaning and cooking.
Theres a good little woman, shhhh, its ok. Big smart Men are here to look after you!

whirlpool

whirlpool wrote: »

Do people still do that?

Somtimes. But a lot of people see it as a throwback to a time when women were not really considered to have a mind or choice of their own. As if it was up to the parents to make that decision for them.

Still some people do like tradition even without the poor associations such traditions might have attached to them. So people who ask the father of the potential bride for permission are really doing it as a nod to tradition and not because they actually think the father has any actual say in the matter.

I myself did not really ask for permission - nor are we really married as it is not an option for us - but when we did decide to formalise our rather unusual and complicated relationship I did sit down with the parents involved and - I guess more reassured them about my intentions and plans than actually asked their permission.

Lollipops23

I was only discussing this with my OH in the last few weeks; I don't like the idea at all, especially as, when we get married, we'll be paying for the whole thing ourselves. Therefore, I don't see any reason for my parents to give their permission.

However, he feels very different and thinks it'd be pretty rude not to ask them. I made him promise that, when the time comes, he'd at least ask both of them (mine are divorced), as I'm not close to my dad and it'd prob mean more to my mam.

lazygal

My husband didn't ask. I know in the case of most friends of mine the dad was asked as a courtesy. I would have laughed if my husband did ask, sure we were living together and had decided a lot of wedding things by the time we got engaged.