Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

eviltwin

Lollipops23 wrote: »

I was only discussing this with my OH in the last few weeks; I don't like the idea at all, especially as, when we get married, we'll be paying for the whole thing ourselves. Therefore, I don't see any reason for my parents to give their permission.

However, he feels very different and thinks it'd be pretty rude not to ask them. I made him promise that, when the time comes, he'd at least ask both of them (mine are divorced), as I'm not close to my dad and it'd prob mean more to my mam.

I wonder is that part of it, the fact the brides parents used to pay for the whole thing, you wouldn't be too happy handing over all that money if you hated the bloke I suppose

It just seems pointless to do it when you consider so many couples live together before marriage and the woman has already been taken off her parents hands so to speak.

Zebra3

Allyall wrote: »

It's not really asking for their permission, it's more to do with asking for their blessing,

Well, it depends, if you ask for permission or blessing.

Lollipops23

eviltwin wrote: »

I wonder is that part of it, the fact the brides parents used to pay for the whole thing, you wouldn't be too happy handing over all that money if you hated the bloke I suppose

It just seems pointless to do it when you consider so many couples live together before marriage and the woman has already been taken off her parents hands so to speak.

I know, we don't live together yet, but I don't live with my parents either!! Sure my dad has only met my OH 2 or 3 times, so it'd be even weirder for him to be asked!

Although, I don't think my mam would be able to hold her water if she knew he was going to pop the question soon. She'd be calling every 5mins to check...

The Big Red Button

Zebra3 wrote: »

Allyall wrote: »

It's not really asking for their permission, it's more to do with asking for their blessing,

Well, it depends, if you ask for permission or blessing.

Why not ask for their "blessing" when you're actually engaged, though?

Kintarō Hattori

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

Shenshen

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

You know, that bit I really, really don't get :
You ask him out of respect, but you won't respect his answer if you don't like it?

Zebra3

chatterpillar wrote: »

Why not ask for their "blessing" when you're actually engaged, though?

Hey, I agree!

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

So it was a complete waste of time then....

Orla99

I think you can assume that the Dad is not going to say no.
By the time you are proposing - you will already have a relationship with your father-in-law to be.

My husband let my dad know that he would be proposing... It was casually told while they were having a pint. My dad also told my mother the good news. I heard it a few months later!

HeyThereDeliah

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

I see it as a little bit of tradition tbh, I would not be offended if it happened or not I don't see it as an issue.
What I find interesting is people who are against it go with other traditions like the church wedding ,the white dress, giving the bride away etc either it's all sexist/outdated or its all tradition, it's the people who pick and choose to suit their own agenda that annoys me.

Yeah, how dare anyone have an individual preference or opinion. :mad:


Personally I see it as very disrespectful to your gf to go around blabbing what should be between the two of you, to other people, before she knows first
I'd have no time for that at all
But others would, so to each their own
Just one of those things I'll never understand. Especially if you're asking out of "respect" but you're so respectful you'll ignore them if you don't get the response you want

Royal Legend

Kintarō Hattori wrote: »

My missus is from Poland and so her folks would be a little old fashioned. I asked her father for his permission and he was only delighted (I'd been with her years at that stage anyway). It was out of respect for him that I had asked. Had he said no it wouldn't have made any difference.

Whats he supposed to say? He knows you are already riding the sh1te out of each other, what would you do if he said no, or more specifically what would your missus have done?

eviltwin

If its just a matter of respect why is only the father asked? Is the mother's opinion not important?

And why is the bride not expected to show the same respect to her future husbands family and ask if they are okay with it too?

anncoates

Of course not.

I was marrying her, not buying her.

UCDVet

eviltwin wrote: »

If its just a matter of respect why is only the father asked? Is the mother's opinion not important?

And why is the bride not expected to show the same respect to her future husbands family and ask if they are okay with it too?

It's a tradition.
Most traditions come from sexist times and reflect that.

Yes, it is sexist.

Why is the mother's opinion not important? Because men, traditionally, ran the household and would decide important matters. Why is the bride not expected to show the same respect? Because she is a woman - she's not supposed to court a man; she's supposed to stay at home, a virgin, and wait for a man to come along who will support her while she raises his babies.

That's also why the woman, traditionally, takes the man's name.
That's also why the woman, traditionally, wears an engagement ring and the man does not.

It's all very sexist, yes.

However, I never hear anyone complain about how women are the center of attention at the wedding, or about how men are supposed to buy them a fancy diamond ring and get down on one knee and propose.

I only hear people (but mostly women) complain about the sexist things that benefit the men. It's almost as if, even now, people think women need more protection and are looking out for their interest.

Which is also sexist.

Reindeer

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

UCDVet

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

Two questions for you...
1.) What does 'your inentions are sincere' mean?
2.) What would you do if they had said 'No'?

Mr Benevolent

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

Arrrgh! Fetch me a bucket, NOW!

Duggy747

I'd ask the GF's mother because she scares the shìt out of me.

eviltwin

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

Different strokes and all that....I think marrying someone is enough of a validation of your feelings, you don't have to jazz it up by asking her folks beforehand. And while its nice that you get on so well with your inlaws its not really necessary to include them in all your life decisions, presuming you and your wife are adults you should be content to do that on your own.

And the best way to respect your inlaws is to treat their child with respect through the marriage, be a good husband/wife and a good parent if you have kids. Thats all they want.

sbsquarepants

I don't think there is any point in asking the question, unless you care about the answer. If i was going to propose to my girlfriend, her answer is the only one i'd be interested in - i don't need anybody elses permission!
Obviously i'd rather her father was ok with it, but if he wasn't then so be it - fúck him.

say_who_now?

Reindeer wrote: »

Before I proposed to my wife, I took both her parents aside at one of our holiday gatherings and I told them they should be proud to have such a wonderful daughter. I lovingly explained how happy she made me, that I was truly and madly in love with her, and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her with their blessings.

It's about respect to the family of your potential wife, as well as it is to your potential fiance. When you ask for her parent's blessing, what you are doing is proclaiming that you truly love their daughter, that your intentions are sincere, and that you are beginning to consider her parents part of your family as well, and are including them in your life's decisions. It is one of the most respectful means in which to begin the familial relationship with your in-laws, and all parents greatly appreciate the honor of having been asked, even if it is nearly ceremonial. There are precious few other ways you can spend a few short minutes that will impress upon your in-laws how much respect you have for them.

I was moved to tears reading that story... tears of laughter! :pac:

Having been living with my now wife for seven years before I married her, I knew her father had no time for any such nonsense, we made no big drama about it, my wife told her mum and her mum told my father in law over the breakfast table the very same as you'd throw it into normal conversation. I was out in the living room at the time and all he said was "oh that's great... have we any toast?", and that was it!

Same when we had a child- "Oh very good", and that was it!

In saying that, I still sleep downstairs on the couch when we visit them, because I wouldn't be able to look her father in the eye the next morning after subjecting him to the sounds of me getting it on with his daughter. No parent wants to hear that kind of thing- "I just boned your daughter last night, pass the butter!" :pac:

It also raises an interesting question now I think of it- my wife's brother is getting married to his boyfriend in a few months, I don't think they asked each others parent's permission either!

Royal Legend

UCDVet wrote: »

Two questions for you...
1.) What does 'your inentions are sincere' mean? (when riding ur daughter I am using a condom or I always pull out on time)
2.) What would you do if they had said 'No'?

(Stop using the condom)

sbsquarepants

say_who_now? wrote: »

In saying that, I still sleep downstairs on the couch when we visit them, because I wouldn't be able to look her father in the eye the next morning after subjecting him to the sounds of me getting it on with his daughter. No parent wants to hear that kind of thing- "I just boned your daughter last night, pass the butter!" :pac:

You're married now, you were living together 7 years before hand and you still sleep on the sofa?? Are you mad or what - i wouldn't stay in the house at all if i couldn't sleep with my wife/girlfriend to be quite honest.

Gauss

I asked for permission because my fiancé because she wanted me too. It didn't take much effort so fukc it, if it makes her happy. Both me and her dad thought it was stupid but I went through the motions.

It stupid really.

Shenshen

UCDVet wrote: »

However, I never hear anyone complain about how women are the center of attention at the wedding, or about how men are supposed to buy them a fancy diamond ring and get down on one knee and propose.

I only hear people (but mostly women) complain about the sexist things that benefit the men. It's almost as if, even now, people think women need more protection and are looking out for their interest.

Which is also sexist.

You've never spoken to me, then. I made sure the wedding day was as much about my husband as about me, why would you want to start a marriage focusing entirely on one partner alone?
I never got an engagement ring, and I wouldn't have wanted one. We don't even have wedding rings, because neither of us likes wearing rings.
I proposed to him, not the other way around.

say_who_now?

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You're married now, you were living together 7 years before hand and you still sleep on the sofa?? Are you mad or what - i wouldn't stay in the house at all if i couldn't sleep with my wife/girlfriend to be quite honest.

Ah no sb, it's not that her parents would mind at all, it's ME that wouldn't feel comfortable with it, I sleep with her 25 days or so out of the month, it doesn't kill me for a weekend to keep it in my pants!

Absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I can only watch Sky on the TV downstairs! *cough* :pac:

Dyr

"here, ya know how I've been riding your daughter regular the last few years?"

its pretty silly

Quorum

reeta wrote: »

It is still fairly common, a guy I work with asked his girlfriends dad last weekend (and we live in Dublin):)

What does being from Dublin have to do with it?

Quorum

I wouldn't want my dad knowing about the proposal before me.

seamus

I didn't because my wife was very clear that she wasn't property and the only person who could give permission was her. She still loves tradition though in many respects, so she "required" after I proposed that I ring her parents separately to tell them that I had asked, and ask for their "blessing". Her Mum squealed for about 30 seconds and then burst into tears, her Dad's first response was, "Well, what did she say?".

Dyr

seamus wrote: »

I didn't because my wife was very clear that she wasn't property and the only person who could give permission was her. She still loves tradition though in many respects, so she "required" after I proposed that I ring her parents separately to tell them that I had asked, and ask for their "blessing". Her Mum squealed for about 30 seconds and then burst into tears, her Dad's first response was, "Well, what did she say?".

Maybe he didn't vocalize his first response

Cazale

My wifes parents are separated so I asked/told both of them of my intentions beforehand. It only took five minutes but I think it really helped my relationship with them as they were delighted I made the effort. I knew they would have no problem with it but it was still a bit of an ordeal though. Would rank it up second in the nerves compartment after my driving test!

Her sister got engaged soon after we did but just came home one day out of the blue with the ring. Lets just say it didn't enamour them to her now husband at all.

eviltwin

Cazale wrote: »

Her sister got engaged soon after we did but just came home one day out of the blue with the ring. Lets just say it didn't enamour them to her now husband at all.

Eh..what? Do you mean they don't like him simply because he didn't ask?

Surely they had met him before, knew him well etc. Assuming they liked him enough to accept him as their daughters boyfriend why would they change their opinion of him over something so trivial??

No, but she asked mine.:D

SafeSurfer

Asking the father's permission for his daughter's hand in marriage is a class thing. Middle class wannabes, usually from south county Dublin, think it is classy and gentlemanly and oozes old world charm. Another nouveau riche revival of a practice that should be consigned to the historical dustbin.

cloptrop

Its initiation and a show if respect to a man that done such a good job raising his daughter you wanna marry her . Its a nice bit of tradition also .
I think anyone saying oh shes not property took the cowards option and didnt do it .
What better way to show the love of your woman than go to the den of her father and be brave enough to ask him for his acceptannce .

cloptrop

cloptrop wrote: »

Its initiation and a show if respect to a man that done such a good job raising his daughter you wanna marry her . Its a nice bit of tradition also .
I think anyone saying oh shes not property took the cowards option and didnt do it .
What better way to show the love of your woman than go to the den of her father and be brave enough to ask him for his acceptannce .

The den?

Cazale

eviltwin wrote: »

Eh..what? Do you mean they don't like him simply because he didn't ask?

Surely they had met him before, knew him well etc. Assuming they liked him enough to accept him as their daughters boyfriend why would they change their opinion of him over something so trivial??

No they do like him. He just didn't do any favours for himself after I had asked a couple of months previous.

cloptrop

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

cloptrop wrote: »

Its initiation and a show if respect to a man that done such a good job raising his daughter you wanna marry her . Its a nice bit of tradition also .
I think anyone saying oh shes not property took the cowards option and didnt do it .
What better way to show the love of your woman than go to the den of her father and be brave enough to ask him for his acceptannce .

The den?

As in lions den its a metaphor

CruelCoin

whirlpool wrote: »

Do people still do that?

No.

I intend to ask for her fathers blessing, not his permission.

Manners dictate i at least ask for a blessing, but i'll marry her whether he gives it or not.

cloptrop

cloptrop wrote: »

As in lions den its a metaphor

I understand what it means, just find it odd that you would describe your father in laws house a den.
Jungle Book fan?

CruelCoin

CruelCoin wrote: »

Manners dictate i at least ask for a blessing

no they don't

cloptrop

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

cloptrop wrote: »

As in lions den its a metaphor

I understand what it means, just find it odd that you would describe your father in laws house a den.
Jungle Book fan?

Hes a scary man but I held my nerve he was delighted with the sentiment.

cloptrop

cloptrop wrote: »

Hes a scary man but I held my nerve he was delighted with the sentiment.

I was going to ask was he John Gilligan or something.:D

milltown

Yeah, I did. As somebody said on page 1, it's good manners.
It's not like he knew before my (now) wife did though. We had discussed getting married at length before. Yes it's old fashioned but I think it means something that you respect her family enough to ask for their blessing/permission and that you want them to be on board with the whole thing. As for the "what if he said no" brigade; if he's saying no for no good reason other than he doesn't like you then you're marrying into a world of issues. Either with constant tension when the in laws are around, or a heap of trouble with your wife when she resents you for being the wedge between her and her family.

YMMV

Mr Benevolent

I intend to have at least one kid with my girlfriend before getting married, so asking her dad would be closing the gate after the horse had bolted. No point really.

aidan24326

I can't believe that in the year 2012 there's people who still buy into this nonsense. It's a stupid outdated practise that is an insult to your wife-to-be. Marriage is between TWO people, not three. The dad merely needs to be informed, not asked. If I was a dad and my daughter's fiance asked my permission I'd think he was a fcuking idiot to be honest.

milltown

cloptrop wrote: »

Hes a scary man but I held my nerve he was delighted with the sentiment.

My FIL wasn't scary at all but he was genuinely chuffed that I would ask. We got on like a house on fire for the rest of his life.

Outdated tradition.

Probably goes back to when the father of the bride paid for the wedding or something.
As with most wedding traditions, I didn't even consider it.

rarnes1

rarnes1 wrote: »

Outdated tradition.

Probably goes back to when the father of the bride paid for the wedding or something.
As with most wedding traditions, I didn't even consider it.

Good point.
If i thought he would've paid for it, i would've asked him sure.
But seeing as i paid, **** him.:pac:

Madam_X

Why not ask her mother? Does the woman ask the man's family if she's proposing?

I get that it's well intentioned, and it's kinda sweet - but it's ludicrous. It's personal and private to the couple.