Did you ask your partner's parents before proposing?

seamus

rarnes1 wrote: »

Outdated tradition.

Probably goes back to when the father of the bride paid for the wedding or something.
As with most wedding traditions, I didn't even consider it.

It goes back to the time when a marriage was practically a contract between the father and the groom. The bride's feelings on the matter were irrelevant as the purpose of marriage was the expansion of wealth and power. The father would gain an ally in his son-in-law as well as grandchild who may possibly belong to a strong or influential family. The groom would gain a dowry, a maid, a prostitute and also whatever power and influence his wife's family had.

The peasants likely engaged in this practice more because it was fashionable to imitate the upper classes, while the marriage would be based on attraction and love rather than acquistion of wealth.

syklops

I asked, because I thought I didnt know whether he expected it or not, and I thought starting off, I dont want him being pissed off about anything. That said, had he said no, he would have gotten a tough sh1t as a response.

rgmmg

I did it and the father was delighted (not sure his daughter was ). My brother didn't ask and it still annoys his father in law to this day.

g'em

My partner and I decided to get married, we told our parents together as a couple and all parents individually as there are separations involved. He let them know when he was going to propose before I knew about it (we did things a bit backwards, decision to marry came before the proposal). I don't think either of my parents would have been very comfortable with being asked permission or for a blessing, they know I'm my own woman (as my partner is his own man and can decide for himself what he wants from life). Besides which my Mum was my primary caregiver growing up, it would have felt like quite the smack to have 'asked' my father anything and not have her involvement . They did get a kick out of knowing when the surprise was happening before I did though.

Madam_X

People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

The respect towards his little girl thing is hilarious too - spunked all over her, deep-throated her, done her up the arse, threesome with her hot mate, got several rimmings off her (not saying theres anything wrong at all at all with these things in a mutually consenting context btw) but marry her?!! Oh I'd need her father's permission! :eek: :pac:

cloptrop

Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

eviltwin

Madam_X wrote: »

People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

true, not all woman have engagement rings, I don't. I was given a lovely watch by my husband on the wedding day but I made him bring it back, it was a nice gesture but we needed the money for more important things.

I'm quite surprised to see just how many men did ask the FIL first. It honestly would never have even entered my head. We got engaged and planned our wedding and then told everyone, we didn't really involve our family in the plans at all.

I hope they don't think badly of us because of it. I would be quite shocked if they did.

Madam_X

Madam_X wrote: »

People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

It makes it all that more satisfying when you buy a stone for a woman like yourself (doesn't expect it or demand it).;)

Madam_X

Bam Bam Mickey wrote: »

It makes it all that more satisfying when you buy a stone for a woman like yourself (doesn't expect it or demand it).;)

De Beers plz :pac:

Armin_Tamzarian

Madam_X wrote: »

People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

The respect towards his little girl thing is hilarious too - spunked all over her, deep-throated her, done her up the arse, threesome with her hot mate, got several rimmings off her (not saying theres anything wrong at all at all with these things in a mutually consenting context btw) but marry her?!! Oh I'd need her father's permission! :eek: :pac:

I for one always seek the permission of the father before doing a girl up the arse.
It's only common decency.

Armin_Tamzarian

Armin_Tamzarian wrote: »

I for one always seek the permission of the father before doing a girl up the arse.
It's only common decency.

Is it?
Just the Arse?

Gauss

Madam_X wrote: »

People keep saying "Oh well I dont hear complaints about the engagement rock" etc. Eh... they're wrong. I and other women think it's ludicrous that a man is expected to fork out for an expensive ring. All the bridezilla stuff is just as bad.

The respect towards his little girl thing is hilarious too - spunked all over her, deep-throated her, done her up the arse, threesome with her hot mate, got several rimmings off her (not saying theres anything wrong at all at all with these things in a mutually consenting context btw) but marry her?!! Oh I'd need her father's permission! :eek: :pac:

Is it the norm these days for women to rim their OH?

admiralofthefleet

Rabies wrote: »

Defeats the purpose of asking then

no. we hd discussed it with her parents long beforehand and i was assured that if i went along the trditional route i wouldnt be dissapointed. it wa just following trdition really

CruelCoin

bluewolf wrote: »

no they don't

The way i was raised, and by the customs of the people i associate with, yes you do.

Merch

Afghanistan?
sorry thats not fair
offaly?
sorry thats not fair

Merch

admiralofthefleet wrote: »

no. we hd discussed it with her parents long beforehand and i was assured that if i went along the trditional route i wouldnt be dissapointed. it wa just following trdition really

and if you didnt go the traditional route you would be dissapointed?

I really am sorry, Clearly,I've been in AH too much, when u say the above, Im thinking of an AH kind of not dissapointed

Eramen

I think this tradition's meaning, was and is, to foster good relations between two families and to cultivate some form of trust between them. While the marriage is between the man and the woman in on a simple level, it becomes so much more over time as the social aspects interlink and especially as children arrive on the scene. Eventually, the two families will come to be relied and counted upon. To say this isn't the case is a bit indignant.

I personally would lean towards asking, the only thing that might stop me is my wife-to-be having strong objection. However, I wouldn't mind if she asked my mam or my parents in an 'extension of the tradition', which would be fairer for those who are ostensibly seeking fairness with their arguments and cries of 'sexism' et al.

People are blowing this simple courtesy and strengthening of familial bonds out of all proportion, let's try to keep a head on our shoulders, there is other more pressing issues at hand. It seems this 'I can go it alone, I'll do as I please, and I don't need anyone attitude' is fairly prevalent, borne of of some sort of self-righteous (yet phony) display of independence and ignorance of the past. It's symbolic of society really.

Thing is, you can't go it alone. You need your families. Strengthen ties however possible.

Merch

aidan24326 wrote: »

The dad merely needs to be informed, not asked. If I was a dad and my daughter's fiance asked my permission I'd think he was a fcuking idiot to be honest.

Yes, informed. hey, were having a wedding today, wanna come along? ,as should the mother be informed, both informed yes, asked, no.

cloptrop wrote: »

Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

Swallowing? AH?
nerve? upset? why would they? anyone upset over that needs to get their priorities in order/has little to be upset over.
I'd consider someone a bit of a wet rope if I have a daughter and some bloke needs to ask my permission, thats a bit unmanly.
I assume I have already met them and am aware such a thing is on the cards, but asked for permission no.
Be a different story if I thought all was not well in a relationship.

Fizzlesque

I've never had any interest in getting married, but in the unlikely event I one day do end up in marrying mode, under no circumstances would I want or allow my husband-to-be to ask my father's permission.

Besides, my father's response would probably be (if this imaginary husband-to-be did ask him) "what are you asking me for, surely it's Fizzlesque's decision, not mine".

Nor would I want a church wedding, an engagement/wedding ring, white dress, father 'giving me away', to change my surname or to be the centre of attention for the day or any of the many other things we grow up being told 'little girls dream of', so it's probably just as well I've never wanted to get married - somebody somewhere is bound to be disappointed by my lack of interest in these things. My sister told me years ago she'd be disappointed if I eloped and denied her a big party but my dad's attitude is much more relaxed - he'd probably be stunned if he was asked for permission to marry me.

UCDVet

cloptrop wrote: »

Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

What's the world coming to when a man isn't a man!

Personally, I think it's far less manly to ask some other man permission on the single most important decision of your life; but that's just me.

For everyone in the 'You should ask' camp - what would you do if the parents/father says 'No'?

If you ignore them and still pursue their daughter - it pretty much removes the 'respect' issue completely. It's not 'respect' if you are just pretending to care.

Merch

Fizzlesque wrote: »

I've never had any interest in getting married, but in the unlikely event I one day do end up in marrying mode, under no circumstances would I want or allow my husband-to-be to ask my father's permission.

Besides, my father's response would probably be (if this imaginary husband-to-be did ask him) "what are you asking me for, surely it's Fizzlesque's decision, not mine".

Nor would I want a church wedding, an engagement/wedding ring, white dress, father 'giving me away', to change my surname or to be the centre of attention for the day or any of the many other things we grow up being told 'little girls dream of', so it's probably just as well I've never wanted to get married - somebody somewhere is bound to be disappointed by my lack of interest in these things. My sister told me years ago she'd be disappointed if I eloped and denied her a big party but my dad's attitude is much more relaxed - he'd probably be stunned if he was asked for permission to marry me.

Common sense at last, id like to say it prevails but??
people really need to get over the disney fairytale horse manure, not sure how your sister and you turned out different if your dad is so, but I guess it happens that way.

Im not saying people shouldnt get married, or do what makes them happy, but they should apply common sense to what is traditional and not just do things because it is a tradition, otherwise we'd still be banging rocks together.

Shenshen

cloptrop wrote: »

Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

I can't repeat this often enough :
If my now husband had even thought of asking my father, he would not be my husband now.
My advise would be to check with your wife to be if that's what she wants, because you can land yourself in quite some trouble if she doesn't. Don't patronise womenkind by claiming they all will like it "once it's done".

Hannibal Smith

My husband asked my dad...my dad's response was...what are you asking me for but he told my mum afterwards that he was delighted. He said he thought all that had been done away with, but it was lovely.

My husbands own mother was chuffed to bits, said she didn't know she'd raised such a well mannered boy.:D

Was I offended? Not in the slightest. I thought it was a lovely thing to do. In my mind It's nothing about being some ones property, its about joining another family and doing so on the best of terms. I think my dad really respected him for having the guts and the manners to do it.

Hannibal Smith

Shenshen wrote: »

cloptrop wrote: »

Yep Is swallowing your nerve and getting it done to much to ask for not upsetting the in laws from the start.
I think it more so dates back to the woman living in the fathers house until she was married . Marriages happened younger back then remember.
Making out its disrespectful to the wife is silly. Its not like she cant say no to your proposal if her father says yes.
And I think once its done the wife appreciates it . Women like a man to be a man not some bit of wet rope too afraid to do it.

I can't repeat this often enough :
If my now husband had even thought of asking my father, he would not be my husband now.
My advise would be to check with your wife to be if that's what she wants, because you can land yourself in quite some trouble if she doesn't. Don't patronise womenkind by claiming they all will like it "once it's done".

Yes! This is very true. If you know your wife to be will be offended by it, definitely don't do it! That screams 'i'll decide what's best for you'

swimming in a sea

I asked the fathers permission and he gave me a big thumbs up, then i asked my girlfriend and she said no!:eek:

augustus gloop

UCDVet wrote: »

What's the world coming to when a man isn't a man!

Personally, I think it's far less manly to ask some other man permission on the single most important decision of your life; but that's just me.

For everyone in the 'You should ask' camp - what would you do if the parents/father says 'No'?

If you ignore them and still pursue their daughter - it pretty much removes the 'respect' issue completely. It's not 'respect' if you are just pretending to care.

thats the thing, your not asking for permission, your asking for their blessing, so if they say no, its not ideal but ultimately you will ask anyway. I asked my fiances father over the phone as he is from Australia and thankfully he was happy about it, he has since said to my OH he would have been very disappointed in me if I didnt ask him, manners and all that.

whirlpool

Personally I would see it as just a nice thing to do, just a nice gesture to the inlaws.

I certainly wouldn't see the inlaws' response as a decider for whether the proposal should go ahead or not.

I don't see it as something that's necessary, but just a nice touch, one that would be appreciated. A little gesture can go a long way.

augustus gloop

and gimme a break with all this "patronising to women" crap. anyone who would seriously change their answer to NO upon hearing the boyfriend asked the father.....
its all meant to be a happy time, enjoy the fact that someone has proven their love to you by asking you to marrying them.
ye dont have to go out and burn the bras :rolleyes::rolleyes:

aidan24326

whirlpool wrote: »

Personally I would see it as just a nice thing to do, just a nice gesture to the inlaws.

I certainly wouldn't see the inlaws' response as a decider for whether the proposal should go ahead or not.
I don't see it as something that's necessary, but just a nice touch, one that would be appreciated. A little gesture can go a long way.

So, once again, why ask then? You're asking a loaded question that can only have one right answer.

Being friendly with your in-laws is not a prerequisite for marriage. It helps for sure but it's not essential. You're marrying a person, not a family.

Shenshen

augustus gloop wrote: »

and gimme a break with all this "patronising to women" crap. anyone who would seriously change their answer to NO upon hearing the boyfriend asked the father.....
its all meant to be a happy time, enjoy the fact that someone has proven their love to you by asking you to marrying them.
ye dont have to go out and burn the bras :rolleyes::rolleyes:

Put it this way : I wouldn't want to be together with the type of man who, among other things, would ask my father before proposing. So if the person I'm with does do that, I would have to re-examine what kind of a person he is, and if I want to be with someone like him.
I don't know about you, but I don't want anyone "proving their love". I asked my husband because I love him and could see us being together for the rest of our lives, not because I wanted to prove anything.
I hadn't even met his parents, nor he mine, when we decided to get married.

augustus gloop

with all due respect, it sounds amazingly hypersensitive, i cannot see why you think that, I m missing a point here im afraid.
the proposal and the actual act of marrying someone, is exactly proving your love. Marrying someone, basically is an act to show everyone that you are both committed to each other, for better or for worse, richer and poorer... you prove your love in saying your vows.

say_who_now?

Gauss wrote: »

Is it the norm these days for women to rim their OH?

That's sexist! :pac:

jasonb

When I was going to propose to my now wife, I decided to ask her parents. However, I didn't ask for their permission, more for their blessing. It might be a fine point, but it made a difference in my mind. It still meant that I was letting them know my intentions, but not saying that they had that 'ownership' over their daughter. I already knew that my now wife would appreciate me asking.

As it happens, her mother wasn't there when I visited, so it was just her Dad. It was a little awkward for both of us, if I recall correctly his answer was 'ah yeah', but I do know that it meant a lot to him, and to his daughter!

But I really do think it comes down to each couple, and how they feel about it. I definitely wouldn't have done it if my wife didn't want me to. And like I said, I knew it my mind I wasn't asking for 'permission', and used the word 'blessing' when I asked...

J.

Fizzlesque

Merch wrote: »

...people really need to get over the disney fairytale horse manure, not sure how your sister and you turned out different if your dad is so, but I guess it happens that way.QUOTE]

Ah, to be fair to my sister, it was more to do with missing out on a big party than anything to do with expectations/traditions. She's not really all that different to me - we both like a good party.

vicwatson

No, because he's an ignoramus.

Neewbie_noob

Rabies wrote: »

Really?
If her father said no what would you have done? Walked away and ended the relationship?

It's not about that. The question is rhetorical, it's most likely going to be yes. It's traditional and only a mark of respect to ask. You're not really asking anyway, just telling him in a polite way.

Shenshen

augustus gloop wrote: »

with all due respect, it sounds amazingly hypersensitive, i cannot see why you think that, I m missing a point here im afraid.
the proposal and the actual act of marrying someone, is exactly proving your love. Marrying someone, basically is an act to show everyone that you are both committed to each other, for better or for worse, richer and poorer... you prove your love in saying your vows.

I don't think it's in any way sensitive, just observant.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who is, for example, a racist. So even if I really like someone, maybe even love someone, and one day out of the blue a snide racist remark lands on the table, I would take a mental step back and re-examine the person in question, as I may have overlooked an aspect of their personality I don't want to live with.
The same if someone went to my parents asking them if they can marry me, or for their "blessing" (whatever that may be). I would wonder where that thought came from, and what else there might be I hadn't noticed yet but might have problems with in the future.

I'm not saying I would dump that person on the spot, but I certainly wouldn't agree to marry them there and then, because they did something as demeaning as that. I might agree later, but I would make sure that I get a fuller and better picture of them before I agreed to anything. I can't think of many explanations I would be happy with once someone had actually asked my parents if they could marry me.

And, no, you don't "prove your love in saying your vows". Lots of people say them without loving the person they're getting married to.
You make a promise when you're saying your vows. Love is not enough to build a marriage on, no matter what Hollywood tells you.

Mr Benevolent

Shenshen wrote: »

The same if someone went to my parents asking them if they can marry me, or for their "blessing" (whatever that may be). I would wonder where that thought came from, and what else there might be I hadn't noticed yet but might have problems with in the future.

What specifically do you mean by this?

Love is not enough to build a marriage on, no matter what Hollywood tells you.

Ah, you need the money too. Gotcha.

augustus gloop

lol you cant seriously compare asking someones father to being a racist!:rolleyes::rolleyes:
and i would like to believe the vast majority of people get married are at the time in love with the other person and are committing to the marriage for their whole lives, there are not too many people who get married thinking that it wont last as long as their alive

ejmaztec

SafeSurfer wrote: »

Asking the father's permission for his daughter's hand in marriage is a class thing. Middle class wannabes, usually from south county Dublin, think it is classy and gentlemanly and oozes old world charm. Another nouveau riche revival of a practice that should be consigned to the historical dustbin.

So it was a "no" then?:(

Shenshen

Confab wrote: »

What specifically do you mean by this?

Well, what gave them the idea? What kind of thought process, and based on what convictions/notions?

Ah, you need the money too. Gotcha.

That helps, but mostly you need someone you get on with. Loving someone doesn't automatically mean you can live with them.

Shenshen

augustus gloop wrote: »

lol you cant seriously compare asking someones father to being a racist!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Why not? One thinks that the race needs to be preserved as it is, the other thinks traditions need to be preserved as they are. Both ignore how life and society have moved on, both tend to go a bit starry-eyed about the good old days, with "traditional values".
I've no time for either of them.

and i would like to believe the vast majority of people get married are at the time in love with the other person and are committing to the marriage for their whole lives, there are not too many people who get married thinking that it wont last as long as their alive

Go on believing that, so.

ejmaztec

I asked for permission and all I got was a bollocking from the miserable old git because he didn't take too kindly to being the last one to know.

yore

CruelCoin wrote: »

No.

I intend to ask for her fathers blessing, not his permission.

Manners dictate i at least ask for a blessing, but i'll marry her whether he gives it or not.

Even if she subsequently says "no" ? ......

Hannibal Smith

Shenshen wrote: »

augustus gloop wrote: »

lol you cant seriously compare asking someones father to being a racist!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Why not? One thinks that the race needs to be preserved as it is, the other thinks traditions need to be preserved as they are. Both ignore how life and society have moved on, both tend to go a bit starry-eyed about the good old days, with "traditional values".
I've no time for either of them.

and i would like to believe the vast majority of people get married are at the time in love with the other person and are committing to the marriage for their whole lives, there are not too many people who get married thinking that it wont last as long as their alive

Go on believing that, so.

Racism and asking permission are two completely different things and I don't think its in order to be so flippant about racism. Racism is wrong and inexcusable in every form. It's very purpose is to degrade, offend and insult. It is nothing to do with overlooking current traditions and values.

Asking a father or mother for their blessing to marry their daughter is meant to promote good relations, show respect to the bride to be and to her family and is done with the very best of goodwill and intentions. It's not ignoring how life has moved on because got a lot of people those values and traditions are still important. If the bride to be isn't into it, don't do it, but it is not in anyway shape or form akin to racism.

whirlpool

aidan24326 wrote: »

So, once again, why ask then? You're asking a loaded question that can only have one right answer.

Being friendly with your in-laws is not a prerequisite for marriage. It helps for sure but it's not essential. You're marrying a person, not a family.

I answered your question in my post, and you also answered it in your own post. (see bolded text.)

HeyThereDeliah

[. QUOTE]=bluewolf;80952990]Yeah, how dare anyone have an individual preference or opinion. :mad:

[/ QUOTE]

Sorry you have lost me I have no idea what you are on about or what has you mad.

UCDVet

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Racism and asking permission are two completely different things and I don't think its in order to be so flippant about racism. Racism is wrong and inexcusable in every form. It's very purpose is to degrade, offend and insult. It is nothing to do with overlooking current traditions and values.

Asking a father or mother for their blessing to marry their daughter is meant to promote good relations, show respect to the bride to be and to her family and is done with the very best of goodwill and intentions. It's not ignoring how life has moved on because got a lot of people those values and traditions are still important. If the bride to be isn't into it, don't do it, but it is not in anyway shape or form akin to racism.

All racism isn't wrong.

SEPT 23 1989

I could not ask them because they had died before i arrived on the scene

bluecode

SEPT 23 1989 wrote: »

I could not ask them because they had died before i arrived on the scene

Same here but her Mother was alive when I first started dating my future wife and she approved of me apparently. So I've little doubt permission would never have been needed.