My Life Feels Like Its Falling Apart - Help!

DeeAvery

So basically I’m 20 (21 in 3 months) and there’s a whole heap to this story so I’ll start at the beginning.

At 17 I moved away from home to start college in Dublin away from my family in the west of Ireland. The course was Film, Drama and Literature. I passed the first year of the three year course just fine and even did a play with the Drama soc and it was a lead role.
Second year rolled round and my metal health problems took over aka my depression and it manifested itself as lack of motivation of not doing assignments/studying and spending all day in my college dorm in bed/watching TV.

Due to this my department head and I decided that it would be best to defer the year and start a fresh again in September so that year never happened. All I needed was a letter from my physiatrist which I saw weekly and I didn't even have to pay any fees to repeat my second year. The college was very supportive with everything, like beyond there call of duty. The reasoning behind my depression among loads of millions of other things is the fact I’m LGBT or at the time confused and closeted but they supported me in my issues/coming out completely.

However since the depression year I joined a support/social youth group and its kind of taken over my life and opened up some of the best opportunities of my life. I also volunteered quite heavily with lots of other organisations. Not only has it made my CV awesome and stimulated me it has given me for the first time in my life friends. I'm still a kissless virgin but I’ll get back to that lonely problem at a later date lol I’m working on it. Anyway I’ve never been happier or busier.

Through the youth group I also secured major funding for a short film which I wrote/directed/produced and comply project managed and it’s in the middle of editing now.

However since I was so busy my college career took a back seat so now I don't no what to do.

Basically I haven't done all my assignments to pass the last semester yet. I made my department head aware of my circumstances back in late august and he said it was fine just get the last five essays in asap. It’s now the first of October and I still don't have any handed in. I started one and have a few hundred words done but that’s it. Classes for this semester already started so it’s probably now too late for me to even try. The thing is I don't even know if I want to. I feel embarssed that i failed, depressed and upset about having to confront my parents about this.

Annoyingly all the assignments I have done I’ve got A’s and high B’s in. But those classes were creative writing/film making related.
Then again I feel like I’ve learned everything from my course and in my last year there won't even be any practical classes as in filming making or creative wring and that’s what I plan to do as a career. Also I’ve also started my career outside college with my film though it may not open any doors for me you never know. I’m also more than motivated to fundraise/secure funding for my next production.

Also in June I had to move home to save money with the plan in moving back in September when college started again but since I’ve got here all I’ve done was continue working on my film and staying in bed/eating I’ve been piling on the pounds. I never leave my house mainly because I’ve no friends here, they're all in Dublin. So I’m been feeling pretty awful here. With suicidal thoughts once or twice. Hadn’t had those since the dark year.
I just don't know what to do. I’m too upset and scared to talk to my parents to tell them that I failed.

But the more attractive offer to me then doing a course that I’m not interested in or have the motivation for is to go and live my life and sign on for social welfare and get a cheap bedsit in Dublin. Start looking or a job/finish my editing my film/write/read/volunteer. Then start a creative writing course in January/next September. Not a Level 8 Degree like I’ve started already but an evening once or a couple of times a week class or even a certificate/diploma course. Then during the day I can work either in a minimum wage job some place or try and crack into film crews/sets. And if i can’t get paid work I’ll write, volunteer and on my own project/make my own work and sign on if I have to.

My dream is to write novels and screenplays and to make them films and I feel if I drop out of college I’ll be able to focus on reading and writing more(which I need to do to expand my own skills and talent) and also to go to a writing class to get proper criticism from someone to see if I’m actually cut out for this career/learn the relevant skills. Then hopefully during that time think of another short film idea and make it all the while working away at my blockbuster Hollywood scripts that may never see the light of day. I just want to live my life already!

I need some insight into any part of this mess!?!?!
Also if need more info on my confusion just ask. Theres loads more to it. I just said I’d stop boring you. : ) Thanks

Rigol

Wait ...whats the question again?

Got a bit lost in all that.

I think you said something about having to turn in some papers and not having time. Maybe you could pay someone to do them for you....cheating a bit but...well nobody would know.

username123

DeeAvery wrote: »

I feel embarssed that i failed, depressed and upset about having to confront my parents about this.

I just don't know what to do. I’m too upset and scared to talk to my parents to tell them that I failed.

But the more attractive offer to me.....

On the mental health issues - if you are having dark thoughts please talk to someone.

On the rest of it. I just kept the bits above in the quote because they are relevant. You havent failed if you choose not to finish! Its not like you were in there slogging away and trying to pass and didnt. You actually didnt engage so you dropped out of it. Dont be afraid to tell your parents that the course didnt suit you but instead you want to go with the more attractive offer. What you have to remember here is, (a) its your life, so you are the one who has to live it so do the things you want and (b) your parents only want to see you happy so they wont care what you do so long are youre a happy camper doing it!

And college isnt a one time only opportunity, I am currently doing both my 2nd and my 3rd degree via distance learning, 20 years after I first left college - so go do the things you want to do and dont be worrying about living your life for someone else.

Overheal

Rigol wrote: »

Wait ...whats the question again?

Got a bit lost in all that.

I think you said something about having to turn in some papers and not having time. Maybe you could pay someone to do them for you....cheating a bit but...well nobody would know.

Plagiarism while not only being morally reprehensible is also a great way to black mark any budding career. The modern era has kept up with it too, so much so that utilities like turnitin actually compare your submissions to a complete catalog of previous submissions and can determine with a fair % of accuracy if you are plagiarizing or not.

Definitely not a viable option. Most especially if you ever want to work in any job that requires security clearance and/or a polygraph. I know a lot of guys who work for the State department whom have never even illegally downloaded an mp3 because it would invalidate them on their annual polygraph.

AhInFairness

OP I would strongly urge you to speak to a counsellor about all of this and try to sort your head out. It's all well and good dreaming of Hollywood screenplays etc but you need to be realistic in your apprach.

You are very young and you are trying to pursue a career in an area that is extremely difficult to break in to and often it is about who you know. Contacts and connections that will benefit you could be made through your course. Dropping out after one year and trying to convice yourself that the course can't teach you anything you don't already know is a very serious step to take. You were handed a golden opportunity by the college to repeat your second year but you decided not to take it.

By all means, if college isn't for you right now then you should drop out and try to focus on yourself. However, going on the dole and living in some shíthole in Dublin while you try to get your big break would be a very bad idea given your current state of mind.

We all have dreams and aspirations and its wonderful that you have a goal. However, you need to be realistic about how you will achieve that. Have you spoken to any film school graduates? Have you looked into employment rates from these course? How many had to go abroad? Have you had any of your writing published?

I don't mean to be harsh OP, but you sound like you're living in a dream world at the moment as a way to avoid the mental issues you are suffering. Please, speak to someone before you make any big decisions.

Richy06

OP, don't fall into the trap of doing a year of college and thinking you know it all. You do not. The TV/Film industry is INCREDIBLY tough to get into in this country. Chances are, unless you're the next big thing, you're over reaching or over estimating your project. You think you're good now? Think what you'll be like when you finish your course and have fleshed out your skills more and gotten to know people in the industry. Don't be so quick to just throw it aside and jump head first into the unknown. Do you know in what stage of production you want to specialise in? Because the people who can do a little bit of everything but are not particularly great at any one thing? They eventually end up specialising on a certain area. If you feel the course has nothing for you or is too broad of a scope for your liking, then don't do it. But do decide to be, say, an editor. And learn how to edit. Don't just learn how to use FCP or Avid. Learn how to EDIT. Or decide you want to be a camera person, sound person etc etc etc...

Finish college, network your BALLS off and prepare to be knocked back time and time again. But talk to your course leaders and find out a bit more before you cut your nose off to spite your face.
But first, get help for your depression.

Roisy7

Just want to add to what Richy said.

I'm in the creative side of things too and there is competition from everywhere! It seems that half the country wants to write, make movies etc. So I would advise sticking with college for the simple reason of a. you'll make contacts who could prove invaluable to you later on and b. you'll make a favorable impression on those contacts which will be also invaluable.

My advice: DON'T drop out and go on the dole. You will end up in the very same slump that you are in now. Why would you be more motivated in Dublin than you are at home? You can write anywhere. I remember attending a talk given by a writer once. He was saying he started his career in London in the 70s. He had a full-time job, v challenging, but he came home and wrote for hours. Yeah, he was knackered, yeah, his social life suffered, but that's the reality. It's very very tough.

You also need to realise that even a cheap bedsit in Dublin will be a struggle on social welfare. 188e seems like a lot... but in Dublin? Nope, no way.

Having a degree, even in these tough times, is a cushion which can't be underestimated.

Please go to a counsellor about your depression. I can imagine the overeating isn't helping either, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that eating badly is bad for mental health.

Look after yourself. You've been through a lot already but you can come through this with the right supports x