18 year old daughter, college, nights out etc Help..

Zipppy

My 18 year old started college last month....always a good kid .. and we have excellent relationship..her mum and I are divorced but we've always both been very hands on and involved...
Got herself a part time job so earning her own money..

She now lives between my house and her mums..

Have no problem with her going out on town with new college mates (even though I have no idea who they are..) but..

she's looking to 'stay over' with new college mates after night out in town..
I have no idea who these new friends are or where they live etc..

I live very near town so only a short hop in a taxi ..

I only want her safe.....

Opinions?

MrTsSnickers

It's a part of growing up. If you all have a good relationship, if she's got a head on her shoulders, why question it excessively? Now obviously if you think she's engaging in dodgy behaviour feel free to inquire or see whats up but otherwise, I'd leave her be.

To be fair, you don't really have a choice, she's 18 she can stay where she wants. As for your place being a taxi away, that's fine but she wants to be with her friends.

I'd say talk to her and tell her your concerns and I'm sure she'll do her best to allay them.

seamus

She's 18 and free to do what she wants. Tbh, there's not really much you can or should do about, "I don't know who these friends are", as it's no longer really any of your business.

She wants to stay over at these places because they'll be drinking late into the night and having the craic, and that means there's no pressure on her to get a taxi on her own to your place and disturb you and have to answer questions about where she was and who she was with. Also, €20 on a taxi is €20 that she may not want to spend.

All you can really do is make sure she has her own key to your place and let her know that no matter what time of the day or night, your door is open for her to come home if she needs a bed.

It might also be no harm to let her use your place if she wants somewhere to get ready or have a few drinks before going into town. It means that you might get to know some of her new friends.

You could ask her to even text you an address if she's planning on staying at a friend's house, but depending on the girl she might consider this smothering or fussing. She will also forget to text you from time to time which will make you sick with worry when she does, so sometimes you're better off not knowing.

Mr.Wemmick

Of course, she has to - she's 18. I know it's difficult but you have got to trust her and her judgement.

I would tell her you trust her/ her judgement and that of course she is allowed to go. Explain to her how you are feeling as her Dad.. to put your mind at rest, get her to tell you about her friends, their personalties, hobbies, music, what they're like etc. Have a back up plan for her in case anything goes wrong and she wants home.. have some money left inside your front door in case she hops into a taxi and needs it paid for. Also let her know she can call you any hour of the night if she wants you to come get her, and that you would be happy to. Tell her to make sure she stays with and goes everywhere with her group of friends, not to wonder off on her own. Talk to her about staying safe when out at night.

Trust her.

(now, can you come back and tell me the exact same thing when mine are 18 please )

Zipppy

To be fair guys I disagree with 'I've no choice' or 'its none of my business'

Of course it's my business...she may be 18 but she's ONLY 18..she lives with me, drives my car, I fund college, driving lessons, etc..and she's my daughter whom I as her dad have a responsibility to ensure is safe and well...

It only becomes 'none of my concern' when she's fully independent and learned a little more of life... and even then of couse I'll be concerned...as she will always be my daughter and I will always worry / look out for her....


but I take your points !!!

January

I think you've raised her very well if she's still asking you at 18 if it's ok to stay over somewhere!

She's an adult now, you have to start extending the trust a bit. Let her stay over wherever she wants. I'd even give a general rule that she does not have to ask in advance as long as she texts you and lets you know that she won't be home but she's staying at such and such a place.

Realtine

probably no harm to have her friends mobile numbers also - just in case of emergency and maybe ask her to txt you where she's likely to be - and if or not she's going to stay with friends or whatever - no reason why you shouldn't continue to have a great relationship with her - she's growing up and if you have got to this stage without having to question this before well then you've both obviously did a good job.
I don't believe that just because she's turned 18 that she'll be sprouting that "I'm 18! - I can do what I want" line - a bit of common sense and respect on both sides will work wonders. Good luck.

ResearchWill

Zipppy wrote: »

To be fair guys I disagree with 'I've no choice' or 'its none of my business'

Of course it's my business...she may be 18 but she's ONLY 18..she lives with me, drives my car, I fund college, driving lessons, etc..and she's my daughter whom I as her dad have a responsibility to ensure is safe and well...

It only becomes 'none of my concern' when she's fully independent and learned a little more of life... and even then of couse I'll be concerned...as she will always be my daughter and I will always worry / look out for her....


but I take your points !!!

I understand your worries, but as important as getting her degree in college is getting the experience in more than likely the safest environment possible, is just as important. Trust is of course a two way street but this is the start of what will be a fantastic part of her life. Where she will discover the joys of drinks with friends and the horror of a boring two hour lecture hungover. Where she will discover that she can go out for a night and meet an ex president giving a lecture or partaking in a debate and have a few drinks afterwards with amazingly interesting people (in her mind at least). With no real worries. She has worked hard to get to this stage, you and her mum have given her a great start, she will now have to do it all on her own, but knowing there is a big safety net.

College was the best years of my life I meet some amazing people got so drunk I did not know my name, but I learned my limits in many ways by pushing them. I'm now 44 my mother still asks my friends names lol, and who they are it's so sweet and funny. So in short are you right to worry prob not, will you worry God ya, but it will all be worth it when she wears the cap and gown and proudly walks up to get her degree.

Zipppy

Mr.S wrote: »

Your daughter is not made of glass.

She's 18, not 15.

So the world becomes less dangerous once you turn 18??

Big Bag of Chips

College is different to school. In school everyone lives at home. In college, very few live at home! If she had gone away to college she would be 'staying over' every night, and you'd have no idea what she did from morning to evening!

She sounds like a sensible girl. Trust that she is growing up with a good head on her shoulders. You are entering a new phase now. You are becoming the parent of an adult... She will turn into an adult regardless. So it's up to you, to live with that change and equip her best you can to being independent.

You don't ever need to know her college friends. If you get introduced it's a bonus!

seamus

Zipppy wrote: »

So the world becomes less dangerous once you turn 18??

The world isn't dangerous.

You need to accept that as a legal adult now all of her decision are hers to make. You don't get to make any decisions on her behalf anymore, all you can do is guide her and advise her.

Think of yourself back in college and imagine if your father had tried to tell you that you had to be home at X hour or you weren't allowed stay in someone's house. I'd have laughed in my Dad's face if he'd tried to tell me what to do then.

That she's a girl is irrelevant. Yes, you probably feel more protective of her than you might of a son, but your choosing to support her financially gives you no right to control her decisions. Not anymore.

If you try to do so, you will find her resisting more and more until she's not even being honest with you any more. She'll tell you she's in one place when she's really somewhere else.

Just have an honest discussion with her - you just want to know she's safe, so the odd reassurance every now and again from her would be apprieciated.

Zipppy

Mr.S wrote: »

We live in Ireland, not exactly the Bronx ghetto.

I'm sure your daughter knows the places to avoid in whatever town she lives in, how to stay safe etc. 18 year olds have a fair bit of cop on, they aren't THAT silly!

What exactly is your fear? What could happen to her that can't happen when shes walking down the road in the middle of the day

ah now there is the 'issue'..

she's led a fairly sheltered life to date...lived in outer suburb of dublin...

has only ever once been drinking in city, only couple of times in her locality, same group of friends since baby time...guys / girls..

No boyfriend as yet....

So you could say she's not a street wise 18 year old....

MrTsSnickers

Zipppy wrote: »

ah now there is the 'issue'..

she's led a fairly sheltered life to date...lived in outer suburb of dublin...

has only ever once been drinking in city, only couple of times in her locality, same group of friends since baby time...guys / girls..

No boyfriend as yet....

So you could say she's not a street wise 18 year old....

Then you can advise her, but she does also need to make mistakes on her own or see through shallow people etc. She does need to find her own "street smarts".

January

Seems like you're just trying to make excuses as to why she's not safe. You have to trust her or she'll stop telling you stuff pretty quickly and just do it without telling you.

Big Bag of Chips

Zipppy wrote: »

So you could say she's not a street wise 18 year old....

You need to give her independence to become street wise.. or else she'll be "not a street wise 30 year old" and she'll be left behind.

There was a girl in my class in school. Very "protected" all her life. Her mam and dad went everywhere with her. Up to 3rd year her dad walked her to the school gate, for the final 2 years she was allowed walk the last 100 yards on her own.

She still lives at home. I don't think she's ever had a job. She has never had a boyfriend. I have never seen her in town without her mother. They are "best friends". She was left behind by the rest of her friends who all were allowed find their own way. And who all turned out OK!

I know your situation isn't quite so extreme... but still, you need to loosen the grip - or you will stunt her natural development, and she will get left behind by her peers.

And if she's not streetwise she will be cautious, and less likely to put herself in situations where she feels uncomfortable.

movingsucks

Zipppy wrote: »

Mr.S wrote: »

We live in Ireland, not exactly the Bronx ghetto.

I'm sure your daughter knows the places to avoid in whatever town she lives in, how to stay safe etc. 18 year olds have a fair bit of cop on, they aren't THAT silly!

What exactly is your fear? What could happen to her that can't happen when shes walking down the road in the middle of the day

ah now there is the 'issue'..

she's led a fairly sheltered life to date...lived in outer suburb of dublin...

has only ever once been drinking in city, only couple of times in her locality, same group of friends since baby time...guys / girls..

No boyfriend as yet....

So you could say she's not a street wise 18 year old....

I had to move away for college when I was 18. Until then I had Never drank alcohol, had been to one "disco" type thing my whole life, never hung around in a big group, no boyfriend either.
I lived in digs when I went to college so my lovely landlady kept an eye on me so to speak but my parents hadn't a bulls notion where I was sleeping one night to the next!

I stayed over in new friends houses on late nights. I was naive in a lot of ways but self aware enough to know not to get paraletic with people I didn't know, not to leave my drink unattended etc I was also well able to say no thanks if I was offered something I didn't want to be a part of.

I think it's great that your daughter has your place to return to on a night out and its fantastic that you are so concerned for her general well being but I think you need to give her a bit of freedom.
Make a deal that she texts you and/or her mum to say if she'll be staying over somewhere, carry emergency taxi money at all times and that you won't be mad at her if she arrives at your door at half 4 in the morning.

Salty

Honestly, by the sounds of it you have nothing to worry about. I'm 20 and just started second year in college, and it's perfectly normal what your daughter is asking you. The craic around going out with your friends often continues at someone's house near college, with the last few drinks and a takeaway pizza or McDonald's, and it's great if you can stick around for it.

Also, because her friends more than likely live right next to college in student accommodation, she probably thinks it a little more practical for her to get an extra bit of sleep and get up last minute for a lecture after a late night out. That's generally the reason I stay with my friends from time to time - it makes more sense time wise!

Zipppy

OK So I gave in and let her stay over last night....apparently all ok ..

What really clinched it was the fact that she was willing get bus / taxi home if I asked / insisted...I didnt

She even text me a few times during night to reassure me..

Feel better for it too...thanks all ..

Big Bag of Chips

She's a sensible girl - seems like you have little reason to worry!

Piliger

Zipppy wrote: »

To be fair guys I disagree with 'I've no choice' or 'its none of my business'

Of course it's my business...she may be 18 but she's ONLY 18..she lives with me, drives my car, I fund college, driving lessons, etc..and she's my daughter whom I as her dad have a responsibility to ensure is safe and well...

It only becomes 'none of my concern' when she's fully independent and learned a little more of life... and even then of couse I'll be concerned...as she will always be my daughter and I will always worry / look out for her....


but I take your points !!!

You are confused between what is your business and what is your concern .... and what you should be actually interfering in and how much.

Of course it is your business. Of course it is your concern. But you need to step back and let her live her life now ... with a light touch. Stay talking. Mention your concerns. Allow her to listen to you and make her own choices.

It's not easy - I know. My son is now 20. I've been there.

eviltwin

Zipppy wrote: »

ah now there is the 'issue'..

she's led a fairly sheltered life to date...lived in outer suburb of dublin...

has only ever once been drinking in city, only couple of times in her locality, same group of friends since baby time...guys / girls..

No boyfriend as yet....

So you could say she's not a street wise 18 year old....

That you know of

Sorcha16

Zipppy wrote: »

OK So I gave in and let her stay over last night....apparently all ok ..
What really clinched it was the fact that she was willing get bus / taxi home if I asked / insisted...I didnt
She even text me a few times during night to reassure me..

Your daughter sounds more mature than you are.

Also despite your best interests, excessively sheltering your child does them no favours. Your role as a parent is to raise a child to become a well-adjusted, functioning adult and that won't happen if you don't allow them to progress and reach natural milestones.

I think around this stage of their children's lives, parents begin to feel increasingly redundant and experience empty-nest syndrome. That's understandable but recognise that this your issue and not your daughter's, who seems to be doing just fine

January

Well done OP! You trusted your daughter and all went well. Hopefully that means you'll be extended that trust a little bit more for her over the coming weeks/months and giving her much more control over her own decisions.

It's never easy to let go of "your baby" but the fact is, she's an adult now. Although you might still be funding her college course, as long as she is getting good marks in this and she can fund her nights out herself you really cannot place restrictions on her any more.

You seem to have a very sensible daughter, congratulations!

joanofarc

Sorry to row in at the end but just wanted to say snap to the op, in exactly the same situation as you, daughter same age etc. what I'm amazed at is the level of genuine feedback/advice that has been given on this thread, its bang on!! It goes against our instincts are parents but we do have to let go and allow them to become adults:( Just never knew how heard that would be:( but the pleasure from watching them do just that is amazing and so worth all the worry;)

Dave!

Zipppy wrote: »

OK So I gave in and let her stay over last night....apparently all ok ..

What really clinched it was the fact that she was willing get bus / taxi home if I asked / insisted...I didnt

She even text me a few times during night to reassure me..

Feel better for it too...thanks all ..

Might be worth getting her to download the Hailo app for her phone, and if you think the money might be an issue you could put your own credit card details on it. It makes it easy for her to get a taxi, and it records everything etc so that it's a bit safer. And the payment is done using the card loaded on the app.

Might be entering into overbearing territory again, but if I had a daughter I'd probably be the same! Least this is an option, in case she has a fight with someone and ends up walking around looking for a taxi, etc

Orion

Sorcha16 wrote: »

Your daughter sounds more mature than you are.

No personal abuse. If you disagree with a post that's fine but do not make personal attacks on a poster.

stop animal cruelty

Zipppy wrote: »

To be fair guys I disagree with 'I've no choice' or 'its none of my business'

Of course it's my business...she may be 18 but she's ONLY 18..she lives with me, drives my car, I fund college, driving lessons, etc..and she's my daughter whom I as her dad have a responsibility to ensure is safe and well...

It only becomes 'none of my concern' when she's fully independent and learned a little more of life... and even then of couse I'll be concerned...as she will always be my daughter and I will always worry / look out for her....


but I take your points !!!

you sound like a understanding dad just looking after his daugther! fair pal to you!

Sound Bite

Just a thought but she may well be much safer going home with her friends in a group rather than getting a taxi to yours by herself.

househero

Zipppy wrote: »

To be fair guys I disagree with 'I've no choice' or 'its none of my business'

Of course it's my business...she may be 18 but she's ONLY 18..she lives with me, drives my car, I fund college, driving lessons, etc..and she's my daughter whom I as her dad have a responsibility to ensure is safe and well...

It only becomes 'none of my concern' when she's fully independent and learned a little more of life... and even then of couse I'll be concerned...as she will always be my daughter and I will always worry / look out for her....


but I take your points !!!

It might be hard but you should let her grow up big man, if you brought her up right she will be fine. If you crush her you will live to regret it.

househero

Zipppy wrote: »

OK So I gave in and let her stay over last night....apparently all ok ..

What really clinched it was the fact that she was willing get bus / taxi home if I asked / insisted...I didnt

She even text me a few times during night to reassure me..

Feel better for it too...thanks all ..

What do you mean you let her? She's old enough, give her some room or you will regret it. She SHOULD NOT have to ask. She is not 15. You need to man up and let your daughter live her life or she will develop issues.

the_syco

Zipppy wrote: »

Of course it's my business...

Zipppy wrote: »

No boyfriend as yet....

That you know of. Depends on how she'd think you'd react, she may have just not told you if she had one.

Although you sound like you have your head screwed on, just remember not to ask too many questions or you may just get the answers that keep you happy.