Facebook message asking how sibling died

Ellsbells

This threw me. Got a facebook message this week from a guy who knows my sibling who passed away last year. His message was 'I am X and used to play tennis with your sibling X. I was wondering how they died? If you dont want to say or dont know its fine'....

I am fuming. How dare he do this??? Does anyone else think its out of order???? Once half of me is saying to lift him out of it and the other to block and report him.

tricky D

Similar happened me recently. I didn't see anything wrong with it at all. I certainly wouldn't take any action bar reply or ignore.

Ellsbells

tricky D wrote: »

Similar happened me recently. I didn't see anything wrong with it at all. I certainly wouldn't take any action bar reply or ignore.

But I don't know this person. Just thought it was very weird and very rude

tricky D

You need to bear in mind that they knew your sibling and care enough to ask. While feelings can still be raw at this stage and anger is an understandable and natural stage in bereavement, I do sincerely think you are taking this the wrong way and too personally. I'll agree that FB is not the most ideal medium, but things have moved on with things like condolences being sent by text and FB - something I'm not a fan as I view it as not as personal as the old ways. Things like this are going to happen for a good time to come with the classic being asked 'how's... these days' from people who have not yet heard the news. That has happened many times in the last few months for me. Fortunately, I do a good bit of work in the same building as the Bereavement Counselling Service who have provided excellent guidance in dealing with such matters.

Galwayguy35

A lot of people have asked me over the years how my parents died, I took no offence to itbut if it makes you uncomfortable to talk about it ignore him.

Ellsbells

I dunno. People have texted and sent me messages on facebook to commiserate but this is a complete questionnaire with no condolences at all. It was like he was just looking for gossip...

Anyway I will not respond to him.

movingsucks

Some people are really crap at putting things into words. I know its hard not to be offended but it probably wasn't meant to be as insulting as it was.
Maybe the guy thinks of your sibling from time to time and is sad that he never knew what happened, or maybe he's just an arse who should mind his own business.
Either way, I hope you can put this out of your mind and not let it hurt you anymore

Ellsbells

Thanks and I guess I am lucky that this was the first person I have encountered who has said something stupid (to me).

John Mason

It dont really see anything wrong with the pm but it has upset you and have every right to be upset. maybe leave it for now, perhaps later you will be able to respond.

i got something similar when my cousin died. the message said "what happened to Noelie?"

i just replied simply with "he took his own life"

i havent heard from her since. know that it wasnt sent in badness. some people are not good with words and death, and are more comfortable with the direct approach. i know myself, i just blurt things out.

The person who sent you that message was probably hmm'img and haw'ing for ages trying to figure out what to say and decided to with the direct route.

Your sibliing was probably on his mind a lot which is nice that he is being thought about people you dont know but they obvisouly touched this person.

I think when you are grieving, things appear much harsher than they are meant be

merlie

I understand grief is a very private personal thing. I too am grieving for someone I loved so very much and who died unexpectedly last June. I have not gotten over his death and even with counselling it has been a struggle for me.

I did recieve a message but not on facebook from someone he knew but I didn't. He told me that he had known him through work and he did ask me how did he die. It was a matter of fact in his wording.

But because he had known him, I did reply. I would not if he had been on shock or completely lost for words.

I would say that is likely in your case with the guy who messaged you. You are still hurting and going through grief. You can be fragile emotionally. I know because I am too. I am sorry for your loss. These things are never easy.

I wish you well

Kind regards

Merlie

Queen-Mise

I don't think there was anything meant by it. He was curious as to what happened as he knew your sibling.

He had no other way to contact you other than FB.

Merkin

I think it's pretty insensitive and tasteless tbh. You are under no obligation to engage with him or explain anything - you don't know him from Adam. There's no point in reporting him hon as it is merely ignorance on his part. Just delete the message, block him if you'd prefer and try and put it behind you. Some numpties like to broadcast their lives through Facebook and expect everyone else to be the same.

Queen-Mise

Merkin wrote: »

I think it's pretty insensitive and tasteless tbh. You are under no obligation to engage with him or explain anything - you don't know him from Adam. There's no point in reporting him hon as it is merely ignorance on his part. Just delete the message, block him if you'd prefer and try and put it behind you. Some numpties like to broadcast their lives through Facebook and expect everyone else to be the same.

Yes but your sibling knew him. They are lots of people I know that my brothers and sisters don't. I'd like to think that if something happened and a friend ask one of brothers/sisters - that they would at least be polite, even if they don't know them.

There is nothing malicious in this - there is no need to be so offended.

Battleborn

People can be so nosey and what better way to show it than through facebook,this complete stranger(to you) had the actual cheek to write and ask you such a personal question?I'd be fuming to and can totally see where you're coming from.If they we're close friends to your sibling they would have got word when they died and showed their condolences then,popping up a year later is clearly just proving that this person was probably just an acquaintance and got word from somebody (who clearly didn't know how your sibling died either) and now the ignorant little gossips have let their curiosity eat away at them that much that one of them got the courage to write to you,tell 'em wear to go!

username123

While the message is probably insensitive, I dont think any offence would have been intended. Perhaps it could have been worded a little better.

I would be far more likely to look upon this as a genuine action of someone who knew the deceased and was sorry to hear of their passing and wanted to know what had happened to them. It would seem a normal enough thing to me.

However, if you are offended or upset, simply dont reply. I doubt very much the person intended offence and would probably be upset themselves if they knew theyd upset you with their enquiry.

The Cool

I can see where you're coming from OP. Did he privately message you or write it on your page?
It's the wording of it that's annoying me - there's no " so sorry, can't believe it, great lad/lass" etc. Why is he messaging now? Has he only just heard? In any case, he doesn't know you, he doesn't know how you are managing, and is frankly putting his own wish to know what happened to your sibling over any thought of how uncomfortable it might be to you. I think it's very insensitive and the kind of thing I would expect from silly old biddies that I meet at mass ("oh you're such and such's niece, your auntie passed away, what happened her again?")
The guy doesn't know you (that well, at least). He doesn't know if you're an absolute wreck, or mentally in a place where you can discuss what happened. Furthermore, since he doesn't know you, some common courtesy would have gone a long way. Frankly, I find it inappropriate.
If it's a situation where he has only just heard about it, then he clearly didn't know your sibling that well and it's more nosiness than anything. If he did know your sibling, then I'm sure he knows plenty of mutual friends he could ask about it.
I'd ignore and delete the message and just forget the awkwardness of it.

Gmol

Maybe the person is in shock and doesn't know what to say

Tonyandthewhale

If someone I knew (who I had presumably fallen out of contact with) died, I'd want to know what happened to them, it's only natural.

If someone asked me how someone close to me died I'd tell them, it's not a secret (presumably) and I wouldn't see it as a particularly personal question.

Wils110

A friend of your sibling asked how they died, through contact on Facebook.....would you rather he ask other people and get gossipy stories and told ****e..

RGDATA!

Wils110 wrote: »

A friend of your sibling asked how they died, through contact on Facebook.....would you rather he ask other people and get gossipy stories and told ****e..

is that the only other option?
what about the option where the person just expresses condolences or enquires with a bit more sensitivity?

Wils110

Some people find it difficult and comes across the wrong way..you think the the person ment wrong


Years ago face to face how he die was the first thing you'd say in those circumstances.times have moved on

witchgirl26

While I do think the message was badly worded alright, I'm not sure any malace was meant by it.

My mam got a similar message, not via facebook, but as a short letter from a friend of my dad's about a year after he died. They'd only just heard as had fallen out of touch, cept for a Christmas card. When the Christmas card from my family didn't arrive, they sent a note. It wasn't meant to offend or insult, just to find out what happened to the person they knew.

Maybe take it in that light & reply with a short message.

Ickle Magoo

Post deleted.

It should go without saying but as the Bereavement forum is going to be dealing with emotive and delicate subjects, posters should ensure they post mature, civil and constructive advice which is sensitive to the purpose and charter of this forum.

Failure to respect the PI/Bereavement forum charter can result in posting rights being permanently revoked.

As per site rules - DO NOT respond to this post on-thread.