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His family hate me

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  • 13-10-2012 12:41am
    #1
    xxXCuteypieXxx
    Registered Users Posts: 106 ✭✭


    Hi all

    I have been with my fiance for over 3 years and engaged for 2. At first, I loved his family and I believed they were fond of me. However, when we moved out into a house that was about 15 miles away, things started to turn crap. My fiances family are all very close, they all live within walking distance of each other and see each other everyday. My fiance didn't see them as often as before and it seemed like I was getting blamed.

    They blame me for other things too. When I met my fiance and his family, they had personal hygiene problems, big family in a small house, my fiance slept in the sitting room! He was underweight, didn't do well in school very dependent on his mother, dragged to work nights fitting fireplaces with his father purely for company and not getting paid..

    Since we got together my fiance, its safe to say, has definitely improved. He looks healthier, smarter, dresses great, is dedicated to becoming a paramedic, has passed his driving test, finished school with great results and is popular and well loved by my family. He has told me he couldnt have done it without me. I motivated him and helped him.

    Don't get me wrong please I understand his family do not have the means to put their children through college, dress them well, feed them well and all the rest but these people took him for granted, never helped him study, didn't care about his hopes for the future and bottom line, they actually hate me for helping him! Im being accused of taking him away from the family!

    Me and my fiance decide on things together. They have stopped talking to me, while his mother has resorted to insulting me and my family to everyone she meets. I don't want it to be this way as we would love to start planning our wedding and a family, but i cant move on until this is sorted. Talking to these people seems terrifying as im not confrontational but its been going on for a year now and we need to get past it. I need advice from people who have been in a similar position

    Please help..
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    #2
    gozunda
    Registered Users Posts: 18,996 ✭✭✭✭gozunda


    xxXCuteypieXxx wrote: »
    Hi all

    I have been with my fiance for over 3 years and engaged for 2. At first, I loved his family and I believed they were fond of me. However, when we moved out into a house that was about 15 miles away, things started to turn crap. My fiances family are all very close, they all live within walking distance of each other and see each other everyday. My fiance didn't see them as often as before and it seemed like I was getting blamed.

    They blame me for other things too. When I met my fiance and his family, they had personal hygiene problems, big family in a small house, my fiance slept in the sitting room! He was underweight, didn't do well in school very dependent on his mother, dragged to work nights fitting fireplaces with his father purely for company and not getting paid..

    Since we got together my fiance, its safe to say, has definitely improved. He looks healthier, smarter, dresses great, is dedicated to becoming a paramedic, has passed his driving test, finished school with great results and is popular and well loved by my family. He has told me he couldnt have done it without me. I motivated him and helped him.

    Don't get me wrong please I understand his family do not have the means to put their children through college, dress them well, feed them well and all the rest but these people took him for granted, never helped him study, didn't care about his hopes for the future and bottom line, they actually hate me for helping him! Im being accused of taking him away from the family!

    Me and my fiance decide on things together. They have stopped talking to me, while his mother has resorted to insulting me and my family to everyone she meets. I don't want it to be this way as we would love to start planning our wedding and a family, but i cant move on until this is sorted. Talking to these people seems terrifying as im not confrontational but its been going on for a year now and we need to get past it. I need advice from people who have been in a similar position

    Please help..


    Marry your finance in a civil cermony far far away from in laws - move away and stay away. It's the only way you will be able to function as a couple without the interference of family...


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    #3
    DazMarz
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,493 ✭✭✭DazMarz


    Ignore his backward, ignorant family. They sound like a poisonous group, and you are both better off without them.

    If your fiancé is not too cut up about not being with or near them, get the hell away from them and keep away.

    I'd agree with not having them at the wedding, tbh. That could be a prickly issue with him, maybe... but I can only imagine the crap they could start at the wedding.

    Unless they start treating you with respect and realise that he is better off without them and start to improve their own lives to be better people... the two of you should have absolutely nothing to do with them at all.


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    #4
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    DazMarz wrote: »
    Ignore his backward, ignorant family. They sound like a poisonous group, and you are both better off without them.

    If your fiancé is not too cut up about not being with or near them, get the hell away from them and keep away.

    I'd agree with not having them at the wedding, tbh. That could be a prickly issue with him, maybe... but I can only imagine the crap they could start at the wedding.

    Unless they start treating you with respect and realise that he is better off without them and start to improve their own lives to be better people... the two of you should have absolutely nothing to do with them at all.

    Good advice but I would also advise that you need to be careful to an extent as although this is about you a large portion of the responsibility in dealing with it comes down to him.

    Has he spoke to his family at all ? and told them that how they treat you ect is not on?

    If you do get to the stage were you are considering not inviting them to the wedding you both need to speak to them but rather than dumping that on them out of the blue maybe now is the time for him to speak with them to see if something can be worked out.

    I only say that as once you pull the trigger on something like this in ways there is no going back.


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    #5
    Luca Brasi
    Registered Users Posts: 300 ✭✭Luca Brasi


    This is a common problem in Ireland. The emphasis on girls getting married and getting a house near their Ma or the son getting a house near the Ma. Suffocating. The only option GET OUT OF THE TOWN


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    #6
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    Youre different from them. They may see you as 'better' than them and feel threatened by that. In their mind, its not them, its you. (And while you do make soothing noises about them in your opening post, it does come across that you look down on them and their lifestyle - something you may not even realise you do, but if I can detect it, so can they.)

    Its not uncommon to be disliked by your inlaws, and yes, you can cut ties completely, but does your fiance want to do that? If he doesnt, then you need to develop a very thick skin, so that you can deal with these people for his sake. Though youll need to keep contact to a minimum because if they hate you that much you need to give them as little opportunity as possible to hurt you.

    Youll likely never win them around, but I would not advise antagonising them or doing something to make this situation irreversible, for your fiances sake. They are his flesh and blood.


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    #7
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    His mother and the family sound like they begrudge the fact he met you and how much his life has changed for the better since then. The fact that his mother has stopped speaking to you and is also bad mouthing you tells you a lot about the woman.
    At this stage you and your oh half need to tell her that unless she stops bad mouthing you she won't be at your wedding. I would say this in front of his father and the rest of the family also so they are aware of what she is doing and they might tell her to grow up. I am sure if she has any bit of pride in her she won't want to miss her sons wedding or hear about it from someone she knows.
    Some mothers can't accept that there children grow up and that they can't always call the shots or have things there own way.

    You have done the right thing by moving a bit of a distance away from his family as it is now time for you both to have the best life possible.


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    #8
    Queen-Mise
    Registered Users Posts: 7,461 ✭✭✭Queen-Mise


    gozunda wrote: »
    Marry your finance in a civil cermony far far away from in laws - move away and stay away. It's the only way you will be able to function as a couple without the interference of family...

    + 1000 on this. I don't think you are going to be able to sort this - it would take two people who want to do that. And you only have one person who wants it - You.

    I also agree the above poster - be very careful of what you are telling them with your body language, tone of voice etc. If you are saying one thing with your voice and another with body language - they are going to go with body language (as would I).

    They are what they are, different than you with different morals and values, that doesn't make them wrong or right.


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