Just looking for some advice

yogidc26

Hi All

Just looking for some advice

I have a 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy and the problem is there great granddad is not to well and I don't know if he will be around to much longer.

My little girl is very sensitive and gets upset at the smallest thing. She is very sweet and kind and I don't think she will take his passing very well

So here’s my problem what do I tell her when he’s gone.
I don't believe in God, (well a christian one anyway) but she is in a christian school and her Mum believes in God so I might have to bit my lip on this one.

Do I let here go to the funeral or keep her away all together I dont want her to see very one crying. Or am wrong may be this will be good for her I just don't know

I just don't want to make her any more upset than she is going to be.

As for 3 year old I think he will be much stronger and be fine I hope

Thanks for the help in advance

edellc

OP I'm going to tell you of my experience, I was 7yrs old when my granddad passed away, I was very close to him and was devastated when he died. I was told that he went to holy gods house and I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral but I did go to the funeral home to see him.

I am now 34yrs old and the image I have of my granddad is of him in his coffin, I remember getting picked up to kiss him on the cheek and I can still remember how cold he was, he was the first dead person I seen, I used to feel angry for not being allowed to go to the funeral as I think I would have understood things better, but back then it wasnt the done thing. Since then others I have loved have died, I have never gone to another funeral home and never seen another one of my relatives dead until last year with my mam.

My nephew was also 7yrs old last year when my mam, his nanny died, I dont believe in a god and his mam doesnt either but he is in a catholic school and will be making his communion, so he will be or is learning the catholic religion at the moment. Therefore he was told that his nanny went to holy gods house too and is with her mammy and daddy now.

Regardless of what you believe you do what is best for your child and if the child is in a school where they are going to make their communion then you have already committed to the idea of a god and heaven and hell and this is what you child will learn. Therefore it would be wrong of you to confuse them and try teach something different, this will only confuse the situation. So I do think you should do the right thing and once great granddad has died then say he has gone to holy gods house and you show them a church and bring them in and tell them that this is they can come to light a candle for great granddad and say hello.

I dont see anything wrong with bringing them to the funeral maybe not the 3yr old but definitely the 6yr old and they also deserve the right to say goodbye, maybe not the funeral home as it can be quite distressing to see your loved one dead even for an adult so maybe leave that off

In years to come your child can make their own decision about religion but at the moment you have bought into it by sending them to catholic school so I dont see you have much choice but to go with it.

Best of luck with whatever decision you make, but make sure it is what is best for you little one and dont try confuse the situation for them.

You may also need to look into counselling which helped my nephew as he was so distressed about his nanny dying and he became quite angry and sad at the same time so watch out for the signs especially if great granddad is a big influence in your childrens life as it leave one hell of a gaping hole once they are gone.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

I agree with edellc, some very good advice. I also think that 6 year old should be allowed to go to funeral. My husband was 7 when his granny died and he wasn't Allowed go to the funeral- he still hasn't Forgiven his parents.

Moonbeam

I was 6 when my grandad died.
I had never met him so the open coffin was the 1st time that many of us had seen him.
I think going ot the funeral and being open and honest with him is the best option,stuff that she knows is going on behind his back will only add to her stress.
I would tell him that he is an angel or a star in the sky and they can always talk to him in their minds.

Captain Pillowcase

I was about 10 when my Nana died and I never went to her funeral, not my parents choice but mine and I regret not going. It helps you to say goodbye and still to this day I find I can get a bit upset when I think about it, I never closed off that page.

Now I am not a big believer in god etc but all my family are but it's what helps them find peace and somethimes it can help children to have this idea of their Granny/Grandad etc up there over the clouds in Holy God's house and it can help them.

I agree with what the poster above said, the funeral home may not be the best idea but the funeral can be good, yes people will be sad and she will see them cry but it can be really healthy to see how others use their emotions and how they overcome the grief. I would also agree with maybe talking to some one, Barnardos are great with grief counselling. Maybe there might be a book that could be used to help explain better what is happening and why people are feeling sad and that it's ok to feel like that etc.

I really wish you all the best, it's never nice dealing with a family member passing especially when a young child is very attached.

Little My

yogidc26 wrote: »

... My little girl is very sensitive and gets upset at the smallest thing. She is very sweet and kind and I don't think she will take his passing very well

... I don't believe in God, (well a christian one anyway) but she is in a christian school and her Mum believes in God so I might have to bit my lip on this one.

Do I let here go to the funeral or keep her away all together I dont want her to see very one crying. Or am wrong may be this will be good for her I just don't know

I just don't want to make her any more upset than she is going to be...

I think things like this need to be in the open.

You know your daughter, maybe find a way to explain to her that granddad is very ill and his time is precious and short. When it comes to the funeral, again explain to her what will happen. You can tell her that people will be very sad because everyone is going to miss granddad a lot, and that you know that she will miss granddad very much too.

Explain what will happen before it does, and when it does, keep explaining and reassuring.

As for the 'what happens after', I can't tell you how to reconcile your beliefs with others. You can always be honest and say you don't know what happens, that no-one really does, but again its saying it in a way that your daughter can grasp and in a way that will reassure her.

Explaining that different people believe different things might make it easier for you? Explain that in school you learn about x,y and z, and that mummy believes people go to heaven, because its nice to think of granddad watching over us and looking after us, or whatever way you want to put it.

Honestly, what I mean is just keep talking about it. Death is not some scary thing that happens to other people, everyone will have to deal with death in some shape or form so the sooner we accept the concept the better in my opinion.

OP my mother had cancer when I was six, and I was told from the start. I knew mummy was sick, and I probably didn't really understand but looking back I think knowing something about what was going on made it less scary for me.

CrazyRabbit

I was 8 when my dad died. I didn't get to see him in the coffin, which I think is good. Best to remember them active/alive than a cold puffy body in a coffin.

But, I wasn't allowed to the funeral and I really really needed to be there...to say goodbye.

I would strongly advise against allowing her to touch/kiss her granddad in the coffin. The feel of ice cold flesh is unnerving, even for adults, and could be quite traumatic for some children.

Saying that, I hope her granddad is around for many more years.

Lisha

HI OP,

I agree that funeral home might not be the best idea but being allowed go to the mass is appropiate . They do need to say goodbye too. I might ask some one else to collect them so they would nit be a graveside if possible, simply as seeing people so upset is not nice. But I know that might not be possible too.
as for after maybe just use general terms like 'happy place' if you think it is ok. Prob best to discuss with your other half so no conflicting messgaes cause your daughter further confusion

It is a difficult time for you all OP, best wishes

LadyMayBelle

Hi OP
I agree with the other posters about saying not to encourage her to have to touch/kiss as that might be very unsettling for a child. I'd strongly advise talking to her about things, asking her open questions and exploring her answers; what does she make of all this; if she knows Grandad is ill and what that means. This will allow her little mind to make some bit of sense of this adult world.

I too am a strong encourager of story books to help ease the blow to childre (with a caution that stories should never cover up any truth a child wants to know).
Always and Forever, Badgers Parting Gifts, and a really great one called Saying Goodbye to Hare, will encourage quiet time to sit and reflect upon what might happen, what has happened in an open context.

It's okay too for her to see people grieving so that it becomes 'okay' and not something that should be hushed away; Mary's crying because she misses Grandad very much and thats what happends when we feel sad inside' etc.. If you cry, reassure her.

There's plenty of advice online on how to talk to children about loss and grief and it would be good for you to have that support too.

miss no stars

I was 5 when my grand-uncle died. I would hve been quite close to him, everyone on that side of the family had small families so my grandad's brother was immediate family. Anyway, having seen him sick (kids aren't thick, they can tell that someone who's very unwell is very unwell) and then finding out that he had died, I wasn't allowed go to the funeral. I've forgiven my parents for it because I know they were only trying to do their best for me. (I think it becomes easier to see them as they actually were - people trying to do their best for kids that don't come with an instruction manual - as I get closer to the age they were at the time). Although I've forgiven them, it was absolutely the wrong decision. I'd seen him sick, but now I didn't get to say goodbye. At 5 years old I was well able to get my head around the fact that funerals were for saying goodbye to people you cared about who had died. As my mum was leaving for the funeral I remember pleading with her to let me go and my overriding memory is standing face against the pane of glass beside the door looking out at her leaving to go to the funeral. A year later my great-grandmother died and I went to the funeral. Again, I'd seen her very unwell and dying, but this time I got to go to the funeral. Honestly, I only remember one tiny snippet of that day, yet the one where I wasn't allowed to go I can quite vividly remember.

It's your decision and only you know your child best, but my gut instinct is to let her go to the funeral. Explain to her that her great gran is very sick and might only have a little while left before she dies. What you want to explain about the afterlife is up to you, but I think being as straightforward as possible is the best approach because otherwise messages can become confused. If it helps, my brother and I were presented with a book after my grandad died (I was 8) about the magic button or something like that. A very pretty button that everyone loved that one day fell and broke. Everyone was very upset until the lady pointed out that everyone had lovely memories of the button and, although it broke, it's not really gone forever because everyone still remembers it and remembers how happy it made them. When my other granddad died my younger cousins were given a different book by the hospice he was in. It might be worth a trip to a local hospice and ask them what they recommend doing when the relative of a small child is dying?

Ayla

Personally I've never felt the need to "hide" death from children - in the right context, and with the right support, children are amazingly resilient and can surprise adults with their abilities to cope.

(Forgive me, I know it's not the same as a family member, but) this past weekend 2 of our geese suddenly and strangely died. One suddenly in the field, the other we brought in, nursed all day Saturday and he died over night. These geese we've had for the last couple of years and my eldest (almost 6 yrs) had a lot of memories with them. She was gutted when they died, but I held her, gave her time to cry & say what she needed to, told her it was ok to be sad b/c we loved these geese, and gave her time to come to grips with it all. I answered any questions she had in a sympathetic but honest way, and she helped me bury each one of them. She planted bulbs on each of the "graves" so come Spring we'll be able to see how the geese have helped "the circle of life." We are currently still nursing our 3rd & last goose, who is touch & go, but if she doesn't make it then I have no doubts that the healing process will go just the same for my child.

Now, again, I *know* this isn't the same as a family member but I think children don't have to be (and, honestly, I don't think they *should* be) sheltered from death. It is, afterall, a part of living, and no matter what your religious beliefs (or lack thereof) I think sharing that grief with family helps the healing.

MrTsSnickers

Sesame Street does a great scene on death http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NjFbz6vGU8 they don't lie or mention heaven just that he's gone. It's a truly great piece of television directed at children and the importance of honesty and clarity (I often remember a friend that told a child that had overheard us talking about someone who had died, that they were just sleeping forever...if that were me at 5/6 I would have been terrified to go to sleep...just in case!). I agree with the others that be honest, maybe avoid the funeral home (even as an adult, I never know what to do in them), I personally have no issue with taking her to the burial, simply as I think it's something that you both can talk about and she's learning how to deal with something unpleasant knowing she's safe speaking with her mom or dad. She can ask questions and make her piece in her own way.

movingsucks

I think communication is important if the child is attending the funeral.
A relative of mine went to her grandfathers funeral aged 5.
They were all Catholic so she was used to going to mass every Sunday.
However she was confused because all through the service they kept talking about how the grandfather was being welcomed into heaven and the afterlife etc but then the coffin going into the ground. So she asked her sister who was around 8 why he wasn't going to heaven. The sister dutifully informed her "the body doesn't go to heaven". The poor child pictured heaven as a bunch of heads on clouds!

So I think you should talk to her but keep it simple, I don't know if you really want to go into the concept of a soul and afterlife if you don't believe it yourself but it might be something that will comfort her. You don't believe in Santa anymore but I'd bet she does?

I remember being taught about purgatory (probably in school) and being distraught but my mum out and out told me it she didn't believe in it or hell either.
So ok she was cherry picking what to believe in but it stopped me having nightmares so thats ok in my book!!

And speaking of books, we had one about a child who's grandparent died and it was very good, not religious either just about dealing with bereavement for children I'm sure you could find something like that

barbiegirl

When my dad died suddenly all the grandchildren aged 3 to 11 at the time were encouraged to do what they felt comfortable with. Da was waked in the house so they could come and go from the sittingroom where he was laid out as they pleased. Some went in, some kissed him, some didn't. It went competely over the 3 year olds head and the 11 year old decided not to see him. It was their choice. But they all understood that their beloved granddad was gone to heaven :-( They each brought up gifts to represent his life at the begining of the mass allowing them to be part of the ceremony. There were tears, they didn't want him to be gone, but being sad is part of grieving. But there was also laughter and life as the young generation keep him alive. They as little people definitely do need to say goodbye.

In our family we don't shelter children from death. It is seen as, as much a part of life as birth. We were always taken to funerals, wakes, etc. and understood from an early age that people die and go to heaven. It didn't hurt any of us, or cause unnecessary pain or upset. We understand things at the level we are ready for, when we are ready and not forced.

So do what you are comfortable with but I would include them. You have a chance to prepare them so do so slowly. Remember they love him too as he does them.

Queen-Mise

I'd bring the two of them to the funeral (not the funeral home part - if there is going to be one), if waked in the house then allow the kids the run of the house.

Trying to say this next bit in a nice way - this is a good first funeral for them as their great grand-dad has had (I presume) a long happy life with lots of kids, grand kids and great grand kids. I'd imagine that there will be funny stories told about his exploits during his life. I really like wakes for this reason - if someone has had a good life - then it is a celebration of their life.

This is a nice way for the kids to learn than death is a part of the life cycle.

If the death/funeral was very tragic - I would think twice about bringing them.

Kids are funny - they will out playing with their cousins & then come in look at the coffin, ask a question, then go of again, look again. They assimilate it in their own way.