Marriage Difficulties

Dad11

Hi there,

I am back again. I posted here in Feb this year after my son was born. There were difficulties beteeen my wife , I and my inlaws. It has improved sonewhat in that my wife's sister and I can be civil. As for my mother in law she does not talk to me. My wife and I have had a turbulent rerelationship since he was born. I have been to counselling my wife didn't go. I have found it benefical, however my wife and I continue to have a very mixed relationship! I find her to be very childish. will give an example: This evening I was due to leave my place of work at 16:30. My wife was aware of this fact, however at 16:25 an issue came to light and had to be dealt with and more or less closed off. I work in Technical Services and this happens sometines. It goes with the job. I managed to get out of the office at 17:10. I called my wife immediately, I didnt get a chance to explain. She laid into me I was called an asshole, no understanding at all. She ended the call abruptly! When I got home she continued on giving me a hard time. I explained what happened but that was not good enough! She raises her voice in front of baby and curses a lot and sometimes calls me a cun*t in temper. I have made it clear that this is unacceptable but this behaviour does not . stop. When I came home this evening my wife was trying to get my son to sleep in his buggy, she was rolling back and forward. She was at this for 45 mins and getting more frustrated. When my son started crying and wouldnt stop I took him out of buggy and said I would bring him for drive to give her break. He went sleep ar 6:47. When I told my wife this she went beserk. She said I ****ed up his routine. She said I was irresponsible parent. Since I came home from work today she just has not stopped! At the monent is 60% bad and 40% good. I am doing my best, paying all bills, trying hard to be good father, trying to look after my job. I am really at my wits end! I'm really fed up and really considering I may have a better relationship with my son if my wife and I were not together!

edellc

It sounds like your wife might have pnd, how was her day today , how is she sleeping, and how was baby today

Op I understand that you r having a rough time but your life is easy compared to your wife's at the minute so put yourself in her shoes

You not getting along with the inlaws must also be upsetting and stressful for her as this is suppose to be a time of joy and with this war going on I doubt joy is a way to describe it

My advise to you is make peace with your inlaws for your marriages sake, be a punch bag (obviously not literally) for your wife and comfort her and most importantly try get her to see a doctor

If you want your marriage to work it will but you need to help your wife get help and know what battles to loose so the war can be won so choose carefully

doubletrouble?

tough one o.p. i remember your posts here very well and is it really that long ago?. but getting back to your problem. could it be your wife has some form on P.N.D.? T.B.H. i think your issue would be more suited on the "personal issues" forumn.

Hannibal Smith

Is today a one off or is it normal behaviour.

Although its tough for the working parent trying to juggle a job and raise a child it can be a different kind of tough for the one who stays at home. You don't get a minute to yourself, especially if its one of those days where the baby just won't cooperate. There is no change of face, no change of scenery, there is just a long hard day with no breaks, or time to stop and if the baby hasn't slept you'll have a constant cry around you.

There are days when you become completely unreasonable because the only light at the end of the tunnel that day is when your partner gets home to take over and when that goal post gets moved its nobodys fault but hey, denying misplaced anger is a fine art at times.

Talk to her about what her days are like, listen to how she's coping. Of course you have a full time job and you're own demands to meet but I'm guessing you at least got to eat lunch in peace?

I hate days like that, but I doubt there's a couple out there that haven't had something similar.

caprilicious

It sounds like your wife was having a particularly crap day. I don't even think it's so much that she thought you wrecked his routine as frustration that she had been trying so long to get him asleep & it hadn't worked for her.

It can be so incredibly intense when you're alone all day with baby & they're having one of those days where they wont cooperate.

It is not fair on you either to be treated like this, it sounds like you are trying to do your bit.

Is there anyone that would take baby for a few hours or overnight to give you both some time together without baby?

Frustrating though it may be, I think I would try patch things up a little with the in laws.
From what I recall of your earlier post, you did apologise but they were rude/unaccepting of it.
For the sake of an easier life I think it would help if you did smooth things over with them.

Otherwise it may be the case if your wife is discussing your relationship issues with them, that they may be pushing her further away from you.

I hope you manage to sort things.
The first year of life with baby can be really difficult at times & put a very real strain on the strongest of marriages.


It's one of the reasons I can never understand why previously people were recommended to have a baby to try save their relationship!

All I can is it does get easier as baby gets older!

pwurple

Op, i am trying to remember the age of your baby... Is he about 7 or 8 months now? That weaning stage I found the toughest myself, there were still all the feeds, plus the giant mess from food, plus they need a bit more entertaining, but are not too mobile so you end up carrying them a LOT. I put my back out at that age. It was very very hard.

Plus, I don't know if your wife worked before the baby, but if she is not working now, the maternity benefit is ended, so her only income is the childrens allowance of 140 per month. It is ridiculously depressing to know that you are flat out with the baby all day long for 140 quid a month.

I too gave out to my husband if he said he was going to be home at a certain time, and was then a half hour later with no warning around that time if the baby had been grouchy all day... I think a lot of people do. And it must be very stressful for her with you not getting on with her family.

You both have had an extremely stressful year. Moving house, new baby, complete change of life for your wife too. Her previous life is totally gone.

Be kind to eachother. It gets much easier once baby gets to one year old and can walk about.

marizpan

It would relieve pressure if you both arranged to send the baby to a Childminder one day a week.
Your wife would have something to look forward to, like meet up with old friends or even just catch up with sleep.
You are under estimating how much her life has changed since the new arrival. It's a big adjustment to quit work, no income and to be stuck at home with a baby and endless housework.
She is prob questioning her ability as a mother if her baby or emotions don't compare to that of friends or those in those baby books.

xzanti

I think people are making a lot of assumptions without even knowing the woman..

After I had my Son, I couldn't fart crooked without being told I had Post Natal Depression.. which I knew I did not have, and looking back now, I still stand by that.. it's very frustrating when people keep trying to convince you that you're depressed/overwhelmed/over tired etc..

Of course you're going to be out of sorts for a while, you're up at least once every night feeding the baby, you have very little time to yourself, you're going around with bags under your eyes and you're lucky if you get time to shower and put on a bit of makeup during the early months.. It's the biggest change that will probably ever occur in a woman's life.. it's hard!

My OH also used to try to convince me to put our Son in a creche one day a week.. But that was the last thing I wanted.. I enjoyed every second of him even though it was sometimes tough going.. and our Son had horrendous colic for his first few weeks.. but it was all par for the course..

Anyway, I agree with Carprilicious, it does get easier as the baby gets bigger.. just be there for her and help her out as much as you can..

Hang in there..

ariana`

pwurple wrote: »

I too gave out to my husband if he said he was going to be home at a certain time, and was then a half hour later with no warning around that time if the baby had been grouchy all day... I think a lot of people do. And it must be very stressful for her with you not getting on with her family.

You both have had an extremely stressful year. Moving house, new baby, complete change of life for your wife too. Her previous life is totally gone.

Be kind to eachother. It gets much easier once baby gets to one year old and can walk about.

I've been here too, my husband was late home once because he stopped to buy me flowers (to cheer me up after a challenging day), i ate the head off him for being late . We laugh about it now but those early months are something nothing can prepare you for. Hubby was gone long days and sometimes long weekends. When he was at home he was so relaxed and at ease with our son which frustrated me more because i might have had a hard day with a cranky baby who wouldn't sleep/feed or even smile for me.

We got through it by talking as much as we could and cyring (mostly me!) and to be honest it's only when i read posts like yours that i look back and remember how hard it was. But now we have a gorgeous toddler and we're both back at work and we feel very equal in our roles as parents to our son. Sometimes daddy has the magic touch and sometimes mammy has the magic touch, we help each other out and don't resent the other for being "right", there is no right/wrong in parenting, we're both still learning the ropes.

Is your wife getting time away from baby at all? I always found a good ole natter with my mammy friends really helped me to feel better. And are ye getting any time to yourselves?

It really really does get easier.

who what when

Regardless whether your wife has PND or not she has no right to treat you this way!
There's a very obvious lack of respect for you and everything you do for her. In my (admittedly limited) experience if you don't address her behavior problem immediately she'll only get worse.

Slightly off topic here but if this thread was about a man treating a woman the way your wife treats you, then she would be advised to dump him.

Hannibal Smith

who what when wrote: »

Regardless whether your wife has PND or not she has no right to treat you this way!
There's a very obvious lack of respect for you and everything you do for her. In my (admittedly limited) experience if you don't address her behavior problem immediately she'll only get worse.

Slightly off topic here but if this thread was about a man treating a woman the way your wife treats you, then she would be advised to dump him.

First of all....whether this woman is suffering from it or not, have you any experience or knowledge of depression, post natal or otherwise? It makes the world look a completely different shade of crap. Depression is an illness that can influence behaviour and is not something that should be shrugged off with a 'so what' attitude.

Second of all....have you read the posts from people who have had similar experiences to the op who have shed some light on the other side of the coin? Explaining how the strains of early parenthood can have an effect on a relationship? It's par for the course.

Third of all (yes this is a growing list ) have you been at that stage of exhaustion, where your view of everything becomes distorted?

If your answer is yes to any of the above, then you should know the answer isn't as simple or black and white as you make out.

If this is the general way the woman is behaving then its more than parenting causing the problems. If its as a result of motherhood, work together to resolve it. That is what a marriage is about, finding out what's causing friction and fixing it.

My reply would be the same no matter if it was the husband or the wife under discussion.

who what when

Yeah I have experience of depression, not PND though. In fairness my experience is irrelevant. The fundamental thing here in my opinion is a foundation of LOVE and RESPECT which going on the information supplied is totally absent! You cannot treat anyone like sh1t and expect them to accept that, especially when theyre your husband!

Hannibal Smith

who what when wrote: »

Yeah I have experience of depression, not PND though. In fairness my experience is irrelevant. The fundamental thing here in my opinion is a foundation of LOVE and RESPECT which going on the information supplied is totally absent! You cannot treat anyone like sh1t and expect them to accept that, especially when theyre your husband!

How do you know there's a lack of love and respect? You read a one sided view of an argument. What would the woman's side view be?

How do you know its not two people not appreciating the difficult day the other has had?

If it was a typical argument, I'd agree with you, but there are different forces at play here and explanations (not excuses) for irrational behaviour. So experience is very relevant.

pwurple

who what when wrote: »

Yeah I have experience of depression, not PND though. In fairness my experience is irrelevant. The fundamental thing here in my opinion is a foundation of LOVE and RESPECT which going on the information supplied is totally absent! You cannot treat anyone like sh1t and expect them to accept that, especially when theyre your husband!

They sound like they are treating eachother badly imho. Most of us in the parenting forum have some experience of what the OP is going through. Experience always makes a difference.

who what when

Im not able to do that multi quoting that everyone does so I hope you can understand this.

How do you know there's a lack of love and respect?
The OP said she called him an asshole for having to work overtime.
Also on at least one occasion she called him a cnut!
Not how most people talk to their loved ones!

You read a one sided view of an argument. What would the woman's side view be?
Yes I read the same side of the arguement that you did. The womans viewpoint hasnt been given. Ive no idea what the woman would say.
What has that got to do with it anyway, theres no reason to say that the OP wasnt truthful and correct.

How do you know its not two people not appreciating the difficult day the other has had?
No it sounds like one person being totally ungrateful for everything the other is doing! And as I already said having absolutely no respect for that person!

If it was a typical argument, I'd agree with you, but there are different forces at play here and explanations (not excuses) for irrational behaviour. So experience is very relevant.
Yes perhaps some of it can be explained by things like exhaustion and depression but there is a fundamental problem here, ie. the behavior of the woman towards the man.
That sort of verbal and emotional abuse is just as unacceptable in a relationship as say for example physical abuse.

Hannibal Smith

if only life was that black and white

the op said all of this began when his son was born...does that not help you see my point? Parenting is bloomin tough. The pressure can lead to craziness.

anyway its useless us getting in a tangle about it...the op is the only one who knows for sure what the story is. so he can decide what posts fit his situation.

cbyrd

There's multiple issues going on here, the strain of the in-laws not talking to the OP is one issue, then there's the swearing and shouting.. overtime at work is not a good enough reason to go off on one. Calling the op

If he didn't do the overtime he could lose his job and then there'd be something to give out about. If he was down the pub or out with his mates playing football then yes (been there with the football :rolleyes:)

If this is only since having the baby then it does hint at PND and is worthwhile getting checked out. Better to rule it out than ignore it.

The lack of respect though ... i don't care how hard your day is .. if i came home on a saturday when my OH is with the 4 kids and he ranted at me i would not be impressed to say the least.. it works both ways, how can you respect someone who shouts and rants at you? this is the one sure way to push someone away and very soon turns into hatred.. and it's very hard to come back from that. We were very lucky worked hard to put our marriage back on track before it got too out of control. Yes there are rows and rants in a marriage but when things calmed down there was always an apology..

The first thing i would deal with here is the respect issue, if she can't see that you need your job now that you have a family then how would it work out if you were home all day on the dole..? Maybe a call before 16.30 may have headed off some of the problem..? hard one to call...

Daisy M

I think the tension between you and some of her family members is probably putting your wife under pressure however she shouldn't be treating you with such a lack of respect.
I remember your thread here after your baby was born and also one before where your wife and her mother (I think) had an issue with how you were treating her, from what I remember they were over reacting if your side of the story was accurate. Is it possible that your wife is been influenced against you by your mother in law or have things not been good between you for a while?

Have you asked your wife if she is happy with how your marriage is at the moment?

Hannibal Smith

But if you'd worked a 9 hour day, full throttle with no break, not even the chance of a 5 min cuppa and all day long. You couldn't leave until the next person came to start their shift and they arrived late, you had to carry on full throttle with no break, would you be happy with that person? My husbands staff work in shifts and I tell you, if one of the lads arrived late he would be savaged

With a husband and wife sometimes boundaries are crossed. You say things you couldn't or wouldn't say to some one else sometimes. I've been lifted out of it when I've been late home and my husband has had a screaming toddler to deal with and I've done it to him. We've never held it against each other though. It's been nothing but stress behind it, no real intention.

If I'm remembering the op correctly didn't he tell his mother in law to eff off when tw was ubder pressure? So he knows how it can be, surely?

If its standard behaviour for her, that's different of course.

doubletrouble?

considering this thread is staying where it is i'll give it a go.
dad, if i may call you that . by the sounds of things nothing has got easier since feb it just seems to have stabled out.i mentioned P.N.D because it's the first thing that came to mind.the main thing is you and your wife are still together after all this time and strain so both of you must be doing something good.
most of the posters here are women, no offence girls . being a parent is no easy feat. now coming from a mans point of view. last week i learned a really hard lesson of being a parent. i was up at 5am when i got home from work i'd let the au pair go then continue with the twins,p/cat would also help when she got home from work till about 8pm. by the end of the week i was fit to kill. .i can honestly say this that looking after a baby and the pressure that goes with it must be one of the hardest jobs in life.my point is this.stress and being on the go from first thing till last thing does take it's toll on both parents.the most important thing is whether we like/want it or not we do need a break from the baby/babies, sometimes from each other espec if we're under each others feet 24/7.in other words we need "our" time.being parents of young babies will test and strain even the strongest of marriages.in times of stress we say things in the spur of the moment that we later regret.it's human nature.

dublinlady

doubletrouble? wrote: »

considering this thread is staying where it is i'll give it a go.
dad, if i may call you that . by the sounds of things nothing has got easier since feb it just seems to have stabled out.i mentioned P.N.D because it's the first thing that came to mind.the main thing is you and your wife are still together after all this time and strain so both of you must be doing something good.
most of the posters here are women, no offence girls . being a parent is no easy feat. now coming from a mans point of view. last week i learned a really hard lesson of being a parent. i was up at 5am when i got home from work i'd let the au pair go then continue with the twins,p/cat would also help when she got home from work till about 8pm. by the end of the week i was fit to kill. .i can honestly say this that looking after a baby and the pressure that goes with it must be one of the hardest jobs in life.my point is this.stress and being on the go from first thing till last thing does take it's toll on both parents.the most important thing is whether we like/want it or not we do need a break from the baby/babies, sometimes from each other espec if we're under each others feet 24/7.in other words we need "our" time.being parents of young babies will test and strain even the strongest of marriages.in times of stress we say things in the spur of the moment that we later regret.it's human nature.

I agree with this and one thing struck me from what pwurple said earlier - be kind to one another - nothing more critical than that.
I can get very irate, and stubborn on the tough days - frustrated and upset even - now I'm back to work fulltime it's no better! But the way we get through it is that if we have a bad spell or one of us is irrational or mean to the other as a result of the tiredness - we always realise it and come back and apologise - evening it's the next day! This is because we've talked about how hard it is so much! Communication is so so important - and what struck me from this and from your old posts at the time was that you never seemed to know how your wife felt about things and what her opinions and positions were on the family issues etc - this is not necessarily ur fault at all - not what I'm saying - she may not want to open up to you always - but for me I think that if ye could 'regroup' every now and again and find out what is frustrating both of you and then make efforts to be conscious of it then it might help? For example when we are both wrecked we tell each other and whoever is less wrecked gets an easier he or two - and it always works both ways!

On the note of work - my job can be quite demanding and as I said I work 40-45 hrs per week - never again though will I ever presume that just because my husband has been at home all day 'just' minding the baby that his day has been easier... Sonetimes it's a complete nightmare at home and as Hannibal said you can't even get a moment to cry never mind a cuppa! So it's happened with me if he was late home I would lose it originally / but then would apologise as I realise work is not his fault - and it's the same with other way now too.

Totally agree its a total test to any marriage - but as far as I've figured out - communication and consideration are the two tools you need to share to win

Dad11

Link to thread I posted earlier.in year to clarify a few points here http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056557041?page=1#post_77232769

Dad11

What is PND ?

edellc wrote: »

It sounds like your wife might have pnd, how was her day today , how is she sleeping, and how was baby today

Op I understand that you r having a rough time but your life is easy compared to your wife's at the minute so put yourself in her shoes

You not getting along with the inlaws must also be upsetting and stressful for her as this is suppose to be a time of joy and with this war going on I doubt joy is a way to describe it

My advise to you is make peace with your inlaws for your marriages sake, be a punch bag (obviously not literally) for your wife and comfort her and most importantly try get her to see a doctor

If you want your marriage to work it will but you need to help your wife get help and know what battles to loose so the war can be won so choose carefully

xzanti

Post Natal Depression, Dad11

edellc

Dad11 wrote: »

Link to thread I posted earlier.in year to clarify a few points here http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056557041?page=1#post_77232769

Regardless of what happened 9 mths ago you are dealing with the here and now and we only hear your side which is painting you as squeeky clean

Op you can't change the past but you can change today so stop living back then and live for now

You wife is having a rough time would it of killed you to ring and say you were caught up in work and would be late rather than ringing her after the fact

If the calling of names and temper is uncharacteristic of your wife obviously something is wrong we don't need to hear the background of 9mths ago she needs help now, so maybe get off the internet and spend some time with her see if she does need to see a doctor

If I sound harsh then u apologize, but life is short op so you have to love with passion, listen with both ears , and take action rather than talking about it, are your inlaws really worth your marriage being destroyed...b the bigger person

Queen-Mise

Do you know that a 60/40 percentage at the moment is pretty damn good bearing in mind how old the baby is.

Give the woman a break will ya... She is at home looking after a newborn, it is damn stressful. I'd suggest two half days in a creche not one full day - Tues/Thurs morning or afternoon. That breaks up the week really well and also wouldn't be that expensive either.

I was utterly insane and a BITCH during pregnancy and the early months. I was not one of those women who took to pregnancy and babies like a duck to water; it wasn't graceful or pretty. I'd say I called my husband far worse things than cnut and such things. If words could kill he would have been dead a thousand times

At this stage let the whole lot over your head. At the moment this situation isn't about you. It is about you supporting your wife, taking the brunt of the stress/anger (unfortunately the one closest gets it)... Grin and bear it. It will get better.

I wouldn't mention the Post-Natal Depression at all, it doesn't sound like it to me at all (but then I am not a doctor). If you are concerned - say it to her sister who you are talking too & get her to bring in up. You don't need to be in the bad books anymore.

My last comment is going to my harshest - I think you are being very self-centred and selfish. This situation is not about you. If you wife is behaving 'childish' - it is probably because she is half insane with tiredness and stress, a 7 month old doesn't bring out the best in any of us => childishness. I think the childishness is on your part for not recognizing this.

It must have been some kick in the teeth for her to have you going to counselling. It was far too soon after a baby to even consider it for her. The hormones don't come back right until six months after birth.

Support, support & support. Spoil her. Remind her why you are married to her and why you fell in love with her.

You have to take marriage with the rough and smooth. It would be very short-sighted to consider anything else at the moment. All these 'tests' make for a better marriage when you come through them.

Dad11

I think it's best we split. We don't work well as a Team. I feel nothing I say is valued. As a result I doubt myself all the time. When I take a step back I am accused of being a crap father. Tonight our son is really upset. It was same last night. He is teething but also I think there is something else.What I mean is he is picking up on Tension. A few mins ago he dodey was thrown onto floor. I was looking for it, stumbled backwards and moved cot slightly, my wife started to have a go at me. Unfortunately I raised my voice and upset baby. I am so angry at myself. These are reasons why I think we should split! It is not good between us anymore! I want want's best for him and the last 9 months I have loved and enjoyed, my new son has arrived. It has also been incredibly strrssful on our marriage. I have tried to patch things up with Mother in Law. She is not interested! My wife's sister and father talk to me that's it. Although her sister and I were once very.close. This is no more. I am signing off now wishing from the bottom of my heart that I had not raised my voice.and upset my son! :'(

pwurple

Oh man, I just read the end of that old thread. Drama drama drama.

And the post above about you shouting and frightening the baby? Then threatening divorce?

Dude. Seriously.

Calm the fook down and stop taking every damned thing so personally.

Dad11

I called her at 17:10. I was supposed to leave work at 16:30. I called at earliest opportunity. The nature.of.my job.didnt.allow me to call sooner.

edellc wrote: »

Regardless of what happened 9 mths ago you are dealing with the here and now and we only hear your side which is painting you as squeeky clean

Op you can't change the past but you can change today so stop living back then and live for now

You wife is having a rough time would it of killed you to ring and say you were caught up in work and would be late rather than ringing her after the fact

If the calling of names and temper is uncharacteristic of your wife obviously something is wrong we don't need to hear the background of 9mths ago she needs help now, so maybe get off the internet and spend some time with her see if she does need to see a doctor

If I sound harsh then u apologize, but life is short op so you have to love with passion, listen with both ears , and take action rather than talking about it, are your inlaws really worth your marriage being destroyed...b the bigger person

Dad11

So silly it all is. I.agree with you.! I am so ashamed!!!!!

pwurple wrote: »

Oh man, I just read the end of that old thread. Drama drama drama.

And the post above about you shouting and frightening the baby? Then threatening divorce?

Dude. Seriously.

Calm the fook down and stop taking every damned thing so personally.

pwurple

Dad11 wrote: »

So silly it all is. I.agree with you.! I am so ashamed!!!!!

Get off the internet, go apologise. Get your stressed out wife either a nice cup of tea and a biscuit or a glass of wine. Tidy up the kitchen or do something else helpful (quietly!) and relax.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't fall at your feet with gratitude. You might get a begruding snort after your behaviour.