Marriage Difficulties

edellc

Dad11 wrote: »

I called her at 17:10. I was supposed to leave work at 16:30. I called at earliest opportunity. The nature.of.my job.didnt.allow me to call sooner.

Dude you make it your business, your marriage is more important than a stupid job

And you last post ..... Seriously stop with the self pity no wonder your wife is behaving like she is she has no help and its all about you and just because its gotten tough you head for the door, typical.....

Maybe she is better without you because what she needs is her partner to be strong and to stop being so selfish and put her needs over yours, so what if you don't get on with the inlaws its about you, your wife and your child NOT about inlaws

edellc

Forgot to say


Go make her a bloody cup of tea, gave a tidy up and just be there, you will both get through this

Hannibal Smith

doubletrouble? wrote: »

considering this thread is staying where it is i'll give it a go.
dad, if i may call you that . by the sounds of things nothing has got easier since feb it just seems to have stabled out.i mentioned P.N.D because it's the first thing that came to mind.the main thing is you and your wife are still together after all this time and strain so both of you must be doing something good.
most of the posters here are women, no offence girls . being a parent is no easy feat. now coming from a mans point of view. last week i learned a really hard lesson of being a parent. i was up at 5am when i got home from work i'd let the au pair go then continue with the twins,p/cat would also help when she got home from work till about 8pm. by the end of the week i was fit to kill. .i can honestly say this that looking after a baby and the pressure that goes with it must be one of the hardest jobs in life.my point is this.stress and being on the go from first thing till last thing does take it's toll on both parents.the most important thing is whether we like/want it or not we do need a break from the baby/babies, sometimes from each other espec if we're under each others feet 24/7.in other words we need "our" time.being parents of young babies will test and strain even the strongest of marriages.in times of stress we say things in the spur of the moment that we later regret.it's human nature.

What has the gender of posters got to do with their posts? Does it dilute our posts or suggestions somehow because they come from a female perspective? What a strange thing to say, considering you yourself have sought help and advice from us mere females.

As for the op, maybe it is for the best you split. Some marriages don't make it through the first year, maybe yours is one of them. If its having a negative effect on your son then that's your answer.

Your wife could get back in touch with her family and get the support she needs from them and you will be free of all the negativity from her family.

Just be absolutely sure its what you want, because once you suggest it there is no going back.

dublinlady

In my opinion this thread is very negative. Excuse my naivety but I feel marriage should be fought for. It's not easy. You have to work at it. I agree with posts which imply you have more effort to make, but I still think the biggest issue here is communication. Talk to your wife - there is an element of self pity about your messages so maybe pull yourself together and try to see the over all picture more clearly. But I think your getting more than necessary abuse here - your here for support and I think it's a place you should be able vent - of course that does invite opinion - which you can choose to take something from it if you like or not.
My only big opinion is communicate better - learn to listen and be more considerate - and you should expect the same from your wife whether she's had a baby or not.
Good luck

doubletrouble?

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

What has the gender of posters got to do with their posts? Does it dilute our posts or suggestions somehow because they come from a female perspective? What a strange thing to say, considering you yourself have sought help and advice from us mere females.

far from it hannibal again coming from a mans point of view i welcome and will always welcome suggestions from any of the females in here while most of the time i dont have time to post i do make it my business to read all your posts as i find most of the positive ones most educational. as the saying goes "mother always knows best". i'd be the first to admit that i always ask purplecat for her advice on a daily basis when it comes to the twins. yes when it comes to them i know absolutely nothing.so in that sense i do think gender has a big part to play in raising children. i think when it comes to gender both species go through and react completely differently to exactly the same thing. a perfect example is the stress of any one day. if i'm really stressed i just want to get out but with purple she would be going through the same stress but deal with it differently.
but as i said in my first post of this thread i felt and still fell the thread was and is more suited to the personal issues forumn.
i do think gender has a big part to play in raising children.
sorry for going off the topic but
if i maybe so bold hannibal i think you might have touched on a good new thread and that would be " does gender make a difference when it comes to raising children"
getting back to the o.p's problem
it really sounds like you have severe maritial problems and theres only two people in this world that can try and sort /save it and this is a must. both sides must be willing to work on saving the marriage or whats left of it.

iguana

I thought this in your previous thread and reading this I still see it now. I don't think you are particularly supportive of your wife at all. You seem very wrapped up in what you want, what you feel, how everything affects you, etc. I know that having a baby is a seismic event in both your lives and you both need time to adjust and learn how to deal with the new dynamics in your lives. I know this is hard on you but whatever you are going through, your wife is most likely going through more. She needs to be able to lean on you and to trust in your support. She needs you to help her and listen to her and not dismiss her as childish. She definitely doesn't need to be worried that you are about to leave.

You think that one of the reasons this is so hard is because your son is picking up on the tensions between you? Well what are you doing to ease those tensions? You are a grown man, a husband and this boy's father. Put your own feelings aside for a little while and do what you can to ease the situation, if for no other reason than you owe it to your son. Do more to help your wife. If she feels stuck rocking the pram back and forth for an hour ask her how you can help. Would she like you to make the dinner while she continues, or at least a cup of tea. Would she like you to push the pram for a bit. Maybe suggest a walk together so the baby stays in the pram as she clearly wants. You may disagree with the idea of keeping the baby in the pram, and you may be completely right in the long run but coming in, taking over and doing things your way when she is disagreeing with what you are doing is not the way to go about changing things. That's actually just completely childish and guaranteed to resolve nothing in the long run.

January

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Well you definitely should! Your husband is being emotionally abusive. Call Womens Aid and get the strength to stand up to this man. You're 1000 times better off without him.

Hannibal Smith

Blubble99 wrote: »

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That's the difference between what is normal new parent tiredness and abuse, which is why I've asked a few times whether his wife's behaviour is typical, or if its a once off.

What you are going through is abuse, and not because it is the man hurling the insults, but because the abuse is constant, systemic and is done in a way to demean you as a person and a parent and has left you in fear.

Marriage should only be worked on when there is something civil to protect. No one should stay together just because they have a child. If you can't work together at the newborn stage, the toddler disciplining stage will be a nightmare.

No one deserves the treatment you describe. Do you have family you can go to?

edellc

Blubble99 wrote: »

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What your going through is abuse nothing like what is going in with the op

Firstly you need to decide if you want your marriage to work it if you have had enough

Either way do seek help from women's aid or speak to your gp .... If you can after thus you need to see if your husband will attend a councilor with you, that is if you want to try save your marriage

I know how tough it is going from a active and challenging career to being a stay at home mam, likewise with now only one income coming in to feed three mouths that makes an already difficult situation harder, yes we all get stressed and yell and say things we don't mean or that are uncharacteristic but running you down and being verbally abusive are not the actions of someone who loves you.

If you have family you can turn to please do if not please seek the help and support you need

Stay strong for that baby, peace and love xx

Stheno

Blubble99 wrote: »

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If your family are supportive talk to them, and enlist their help, you sound like you are in an awful position.

You can leave him and get support, much and all as I dislike the Irish family law system, it will support you as the mother, he cannot get custody unless he proves you are an unfit mother.

Get help, take it, and move on.

As someone who has been in an abusive relationship I urge you to do so. Otherwise you will lose your sense of self, your self worth and question every decision you make.

edellc

Blubble99 a baby doesnt make a relationship better it just makes the rips into giant holes and if there where problems before baby I doubt its all going to be mended now. So if you have family you can move in with until you and your hubby can come to some sort of civilised agreement then do it as your baby needs you to be strong.

Irish laws stands with the mother so your hubby can threatening this and that about getting baby taken away but it wont happen you have to be seriously putting the life of the child in danger before they will give full custody to the babys daddy, so dont feel worried about that.

If your worried about what happens once you move onto the floor of a relative then dont, you ring women aid and they will help you. You can also go to your local council they will assess your needs in relation to housing and if you are sleeping on the sitting room floor of a relative they will put you in emergency accommodation until they can find you social housing, you can also apply for loan parents from the social welfare, who may also advise you to go to your community welfare officer who can assist you on private rentals along with rent allowance if needs be and assist you with funding all this. And further along the line there is court maintenance to apply for, I know of people who have been in abusive situations and there is help out there but you need to be brave to take the first steps and get out and then ask for help.

Its a million miles away from the board room and I'm sure you are shaking your head asking how you ended up in this position, but life has a way of throwing these things at us and for every dark cloud there is a silver lining, for now yours is your child and it is better and healthier for him to have happy parents and this some times means they are apart.

I'm also sure your partner doesnt like being the person he has become, so even a break from the relationship to see if that is what you both want and if so, far enough but if not then you both seek and go to counselling to over come this but something has to give as its not a healthy environment for all three of you

littlemissfixit

To get back to original post, you are getting a hard enough time on here, you may be self-centered and not supportive I dont know you so I wont make assumption, if you were looking for people's pity well you didn't get it anyway so I'll try something that may help you if its help you are looking for.

I do think dads get forgotten sometimes, its hard for them too... but it shouldnt be a contest of who has the hardest life (I made that mistake for a while), its a partnership and you should give as much as you can, not count how much each is giving!

-There is never any excuse for name-calling and abuses, that goes both ways, stay at home or not, tired or not. Dont rise to it yourself if it happens, dont raise your voice in any argument. I know easier said than done, but make it your job of staying calm, otherwise you will only feed the fire.

-Forget about the inlaws, dont talk about it, be civil if you have to meet but ignore any attempt of interference coming directly from them or indirectly from them through your wife... choose your battles and if you engage in this one you'll probably lose it.

-If your not doing so already, when your finish your "work shift" remember that your home shift is only starting and it should be 50/50 in my view, take the baby or do house work. Ask your wife what would be helpful for you to do (and make sure its in a non-patronising way!) If she bites your head off, still go off and do something you think would be useful, even if you feel resentful. If she is overwhelmed and has been for the last few months, she is in an even worst place than you are so Im afraid you have to be the rock here, you are probably tired and overwhelmed too, but you cant begin to imagine what hormones do on top of that.

-You say you've done counselling and she hasnt, when she is in a good way, try to suggest it again, not that "she should see a counsellor" but that "you would love for the two of you to see one to help make things better", do not make it an ultimatum, do not make it about the problem, make it about the possible improvment it could bring for the three of you to be happy.

-She needs her time off, you need your time off, and you need your time off together. If it is at all possible, have a sitter or creche for at least one day/week but better still two, make one of them a day she is on her own so she will really have time just for herself, and the second one a day for the two of you and make sure you dont talk about baby or parenting, try getting back to the people you were before.

You've been married for years and I presume it was a good marriage at some point, it is worth fighting for.
Make a massive effort, not for ever, but for a good while, encourage her to talk to you when she is calm you will find out a lot about what is going on for her, she cant be happy if she seems so angry, discuss it not in the heat of the moment... Do that with all your heart for a while, in the meantime the baby will probably get easier (it never gets easy by the way, just easier!), this is not a time to split, its time to give it a chance. If the baby gets easier but the relationship doesn't than it may be time to rethink. Babies can pick up on everything granted but dont add the guilt on top of the problems you two have already, the best thing you can do for this baby is sort it out, if thats not possible I do believe that happy parents apart are better than an unhappy couple for any child but thats just an opinion.



Sorry for the lenght, hope it is concrete and most of all helpful.

Dad11

It's really hard I am making mistakes but learning fast. Unfortunately today ny son was napping in kitchen, i.got a glass of water which is something I always do. My son woke up after being asleep for 45 mins. My wife then shouted at me said I was a selfish prick and called me a retard! I'm not perfect, I make mistakes but name calling is so low. I didn't rise to it. My.main worry is my son and what he see's. I just dont know what to do anymore. I have spoken to my wife when she is calm and she agrees it's out of order. Still happens though! For now I am gonna worry about what I can control! Just don't know what I am gonna do and what's best for my boy because I love him!!

dollybird2

I do feel for you, it sounds like a difficult time in your house. I can also relate to your wife though and the flying off the handle. Nothing prepares anybody, mam or dad, for the arrival and upheaval of a new baby. I found it particularly hard as a new mother for the things that nobody warns you about, the loss of my body & figure to the markings of a baby, the loss of my identity to an extent, the inability to just decide and go somewhere or meet somewhere without a plan that had to be carried out with military precision but yet never went to plan.

From the sounds of your posts I don't think your wife has PND, I think she sounds frustrated and weary and of course the person that you take that out on is the one that is closest to you. I called my husband some awful things out of pure frustration.

What worked for us, and could possibly work for you I hope, was sitting down and talking candidly about our feelings with the set up. These feelings ranged from exhaustion to guilt to vindication. Although I love my baby I needed a break. We set out a rota where bottles etc were allocated and I had my time out. Even though he was working I wanted him to shoulder some responsibility for our baby. For my time out I got out of the house, walk, drive - anything just for some me time. Even though I'm now back at work we kind of keep our rota and have consideration for each other's needs.

It may just be that your wife is feeling frustrated which leads to her being angry and then defensive. I am not defending her behaviour and I do feel for you, I am just trying to give another mother's experience. Good luck.

Dad11

My son is getting his first tooth amazing milestone. Wife and I had good chat. Happier house this week. Thanks to all thosr who provided constructive advice!!! :-)

Stheno

Dad11 wrote: »

My son is getting his first tooth amazing milestone. Wife and I had good chat. Happier house this week. Thanks to all thosr who provided constructive advice!!! :-)

Good for you, glad to hear it:)

Sparklygirl

I am not going to write a long winded reply. I simply have one thing to say- no person in a relationship should be called an asshole/c*nt/retard etc. That is unacceptable.