Thursday 'Uns

MonkieSocks

A real woman is a man's best friend.


She will never stand him up and never let him down.


She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.


She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.


She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.


She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...


No wait...Sorry.I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

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A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner..!!!

Once she stops sucking change the fookin bag.!!

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes...

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

"OK Chicken Farmer it is."

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My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .....she's 21 and her name is Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.

Locals were shouting "paedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50.

It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.

I said, "Son, that's 3 schools this year!

You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford to buy batteries.
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I was explaining to my mother in law last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
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I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realising that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.
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There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping centre.

They threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.