Why did you cheat?

Gauss

yermandan wrote: »

What about the rest of my question?

You know the answer. Of course I wouldn't like to be cheated on.

Gauss

Onesimus wrote: »

The reason the op doesnt remain single is because he is using his partner as someone who can give him sex on tap. This is the reason he remains with her, not because he loves her but because he wants to use her when he can't score anywhere else.

The OP has no clue what love is, only what pleasure is and he is dominated by pleasure and not love.

I am single.

yermandan

Gauss wrote: »

You know the answer. Of course I wouldn't like to be cheated on.

i didnt know the answer actually!!!!

Have you considered an open relationship??

jaffacakesyum

Gauss wrote: »

Love means different things to different people.

I can really care about someone and be Hirt seeing them hurt, but in the right circumstances I will probably cheat. Now I can stay in and I wouldn't set out to cheat.

Not that this will mean a thing to you (and shouldn't, coming from some randomer on the internet) but I really doubt you know anything about love. Love can mean different things to different people but love sure as hell isn't cheating on someone, hurting someone and then doing it again.

I do admire that you will try to stay single though.

I'm trying not to be on a high horse here but I don't see the appeal of cheating whatsoever. Maybe I'm very naiive but to me, the idea of cheating is completely alien to me. If you want to fúck random girls, stay single. If you find someone you love and want a relationship, be in a relationship. If you are in a relationship and find yourself wanting to sleep with other girls, get out of the relationship. To me, it's that simple.

areyawell

Because she had a slammin bum and great set of knockers, great figure, in her 20's while the other half has piled on about 4 stone.

Gauss

yermandan wrote: »

i didnt know the answer actually!!!!

Have you considered an open relationship??

Not yet, something to consider alright.

I was really hoping to hear other people's stories, seems to be turning into a counselling session.

Shenshen

Gauss wrote: »

You know the answer. Of course I wouldn't like to be cheated on.

Well, that's where it's getting a bit unfair, then, isn't it?

Greentopia

Gauss wrote: »

Love means different things to different people.

I can really care about someone and be Hirt seeing them hurt, but in the right circumstances I will probably cheat. Now I can stay in and I wouldn't set out to cheat.

I would suggest you either not get into a monogamous relationship if you think you're not likely to change, or else try out polygamy-if you don't have any objections to it.

Why not? monogamy is not for everyone. Perhaps polyamory would be more suitable for you, that way you would be free to 'explore other options' (as long as it's with the full knowledge and consent of all involved of course).

I know a few women, one of them in Dublin, who are in polyamorous relationships and it seems to be working out very well for all involved, and some of them have kids as well so you don't have to write off having a family.

Just a thought

Gauss

Shenshen wrote: »

Well, that's where it's getting a bit unfair, then, isn't it?

It was always unfair.

Aidric

I didn't know there were so many angels posting in after hours.

seven_eleven

So yeah, I cheated on my right hand with my left handOHGODIMSOLONELY

Shenshen

Gauss wrote: »

It was always unfair.

If you wanted to consider an open relationship, you should definitely think long and hard (yes, I can hear you laughing!) about your own potential jealousy.
Only start one if you can be reasonably sure you will not be jealous...

Shenshen

Aidric wrote: »

I didn't know there were so many angels posting in after hours.

It's Saturday night... Who else would spend it couselling on boards.ie?

Greentopia

Gauss wrote: »

I was really hoping to hear other people's stories,

Why though? so you wouldn't feel bad about being a self confessed cheater if you heard lots of other people doing it? would that make it more acceptable then? no, of course it wouldn't. Or is there some other reason?

Please understand I'm not judging you, just interested in hearing what you have to say.

Gauss

Greentopia wrote: »

Why though? so you wouldn't feel bad about being a self confessed cheater if you heard lots of other people doing it? would that make it more acceptable then? no, of course it wouldn't. Or is there some other reason?

Please understand I'm not judging you, just interested in hearing what you have to say.

I'm under no illusions that what I did was right. Just want to see what people's reasons were and how common it is.

Shenshen

Gauss wrote: »

I'm under no illusions that what I did was right. Just want to see what people's reasons were and how common it is.

More common than you would believe from reading the replies here.
One of my little rules is that I will not start anything with anyone who's in a relationship, unless their partner knows and is ok with it. But since we're using one or two websites for contacts, I keep getting propositons of married men telling me they can't post pics on the page in case the wife should get to know about it... :rolleyes:

Aidric

Shenshen wrote: »

It's Saturday night... Who else would spend it couselling on boards.ie?

Samaritans?

Thespoofer

Shenshen wrote: »

I don't... My husband knows, and finds it kinky.

pics now or gtfo....

The_Kew_Tour

I cheated on a Girl who I was going out with for 2 years when I was 18(about 10 years ago).

The Reason? She cheated on be at least 5 times and with some people I knew. So I wanted little revenge.

I cheated on her with one of her friends and broke it off next day.

Of course I was the bad guy, but no regrets. Would do it again.

Never cheated on any Girl since and never would.

Dont understand these people who are in relationship or married and get off with someone else. Women are just as bad as men except women are better at getting away with it.

HeyThereDeliah

Shenshen wrote: »

I don't... My husband knows, and finds it kinky.

How is this any different really, why get married if ye both want to be with other people ?

I'm not judging you in any way just curious as to why this is ok in a marriage, what happens if you get attached to another man ?

Greentopia

Gauss wrote: »

I'm under no illusions that what I did was right. Just want to see what people's reasons were and how common it is.

Fair enough. A random sample of AH posters is unlikely to give you an accurate picture of how common it is in society though.

I've cheated once on a guy. I was in a long term relationship- 8 years. I didn't love him any more and we were miserable together so instead of doing the decent thing and ending it I cheated on him. He found out and I ended up hurting him far more than I would have if I'd just made a clean break. By the end of the relationship I didn't even like him very much but I do regret treating him so badly. I felt awful about it for ages afterwards.

We did rebuild a friendship though after a while so I'm glad about that.
He's now happily married to my friend with 3 kids. I went to their wedding even.

That was about 9 years ago and I haven't and will never cheat on anyone again. I couldn't hurt someone like that ever again. It's a selfish and horrible way to treat anyone, never mind someone you're supposed to care about. I don't think there's any justification for it.

What do you think about the idea of polyamory as I suggested?

Gauss

Greentopia wrote: »

Fair enough. A random sample of AH posters is unlikely to give you an accurate picture of how common it is in society though.

I've cheated once on a guy. I was in a long term relationship- 8 years. I didn't love him any more and we were miserable together so instead of doing the decent thing and ending it I cheated on him. He found out and I ended up hurting him far more than I would have if I'd just made a clean break. By the end of the relationship I didn't like him even very much but I do regret treating him so badly. I felt awful about it for ages afterwards.

We did rebuild a friendship though after a while so I'm glad about that.
He's now happily married to my friend with 3 kids. I went to their wedding even.

That was about 9 years ago and I haven't and will never cheat on someone again. I couldn't hurt someone like that ever again. It's a selfish and horrible way to treat anyone, never mind someone you're supposed to care about. I don't think there's any justification for it.

What do you think about the idea of polyamory as I suggested?

Not exactly sure what polyamory means but if it's an open relationship I'd consider that. Think I'd need to see her be with other guys early on to avoid jealousy.

Aidric

Matters such as these are never black and white.

philologos

Aidric wrote: »

Matters such as these are never black and white.

In what sense? - If you're in a committed relationship with someone or in a marriage, then you are committed to that person irrespective of how much you might be inclined to go for someone else. In the event that you feel that you are no longer able to honour your relationship, you should break it off or seek separation, or of course commit to it wholeheartedly. Often people find other people attractive, it doesn't mean that we should act on everything. Humans are rational creatures and as a result can assert self control.

Greentopia

Gauss wrote: »

Not exactly sure what polyamory means but if it's an open relationship I'd consider that. Think I'd need to see her be with other guys early on to avoid jealousy.

Polyamory

Do bear in mind it's not about having a free for all, a licence to sleep around, there has to be rules and boundaries in place for all involved. Done correctly it can and does work very well for many people.

sfc501

Gauss wrote: »

I did it because I wanted to experience the excitement of new pu$$y to put it crudely.

Sex with animals is an offence where I come from, poor cat!

OisinS94

I do not see an instance where I could stay with the one person for the rest of my life and not cheat on them at least once.

Pottler

"OOh, I'm so twisted up, It's a disease with me, I can't help myself. Sure who could possibly not cheat on their partner??...."

Feck off, cheatings easy, it's not a disease or an addiction, it's a sign, a sign that you're a bit of a git. And also a sign that you think nothing of your wife/husband or partner. I could cheat, I've had/have loads of opportunities, but I wouldn't, because I actually care for my wife and family, and I wouldn't make little of THEM by cheating. It would kill me to have people sniggering and gossiping about my wife behind her back because of somthing I had done to belittle her. I think it takes more manliness not to cheat, than it does to cheat. It's called "cheating" for a reason. Anyway, why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?

hatrickpatrick

One does not simply put up with being trashed in fifa 6 times in a row.
One.
Does.
Not.

:mad:

yermandan

Gauss wrote: »

It was always unfair.

Not when both parties go in with the same expectations!

Aidric

philologos wrote: »

In what sense? - If you're in a committed relationship with someone or in a marriage, then you are committed to that person irrespective of how much you might be inclined to go for someone else. In the event that you feel that you are no longer able to honour your relationship, you should break it off or seek separation, or of course commit to it wholeheartedly. Often people find other people attractive, it doesn't mean that we should act on everything. Humans are rational creatures and as a result can assert self control.

In the sense that moments of weakness happen all the time. Being in complete control at all times is an ideal, not a reality.

TPD

jimthemental wrote: »

Flying them is even better, god vice city was good!

You could fly them in 3 as well, it was just awkward as Feck. Think you could land it on Donald love's rooftop garden.

seenitall

Pottler wrote: »

why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home?

This has to be one of the stupidest sayings EVER! And trotted out so often as well...

Imagine having to have steak every. Single. Night. Of. Your. Life.

Sounds like torture-by-steak, doesn't it?

In fact, you wouldn't be a even a week in, before you'd go: "Oooh how I'd fancy a nice bit of prawn curry or roast chicken or spag bol for a change. Heck, even a greasy old hamburger would hit the spot! Where's the nearest Maccy D? Where??" :D

Let alone a lifetime.

1ZRed

If someone comes to a point where they want to cheat, then WTF is the point of being in a relationship?

Brain Stroking

Cheating is bad.
Cheating is bad.
Cheating is bad.

Anyone with an original take? (i dont have one)

TwoBirds

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r98WGrcTiqs

Son Of A Vidic

geetar wrote: »

OP you seem to be a bit off a rat bag

Seem? I'd go for 'is' myself.

stoneill

Greentopia wrote: »

What do you think about the idea of polyamory as I suggested?

Yeah - I'd be into that - as long as the missus didn't find out.

Shenshen

HeyThereDeliah wrote: »

How is this any different really, why get married if ye both want to be with other people ?

I'm not judging you in any way just curious as to why this is ok in a marriage, what happens if you get attached to another man ?

Because we love each other? I thought that was generally why people get married, they love each other and intend to spend their lives with each other?

I honestly never understood why people seem to reduce marriages and relationships to sex. I mean, you wouldn't get jealous if your partner played golf with someone else, or had a meal in someone else's house? None of this would make the public question your relationship.
But having sex with someone else is supposed to be the end of it? I just don't get this, sorry.

And from what I've seen in life so far, there is always a chance of one partner falling in love with someone else, whether they sleep with them or not. So where's the difference?

jessiejam

OP you've cheated on a previous partner and you've said you may do it again in the future. Sounds to me that you haven't met the right person yet. Until you do why not just stay single and ride all around ya instead of potentially breaking some poor girls heart?

My brother in law is a cheat. He does it to boost his ego.. going on for mid 40's and is married close on 20 years, I think the wife knows, and turns a blind eye. But we call him the small man. small man complex 'smc'. Has to make up for his small pathetic stature by proving to himself he can still pull because deep down he probably knows he is pathetic.
Karma OP, Karma. Just be careful. Normally bad things you do come back to bite you in the a$$. Maybe the only thing that will stop you is someone doing it to you.

Shenshen

Shenshen wrote: »

Because we love each other? I thought that was generally why people get married, they love each other and intend to spend their lives with each other?

I honestly never understood why people seem to reduce marriages and relationships to sex. I mean, you wouldn't get jealous if your partner played golf with someone else, or had a meal in someone else's house? None of this would make the public question your relationship.
But having sex with someone else is supposed to be the end of it? I just don't get this, sorry.

And from what I've seen in life so far, there is always a chance of one partner falling in love with someone else, whether they sleep with them or not. So where's the difference?

You really can't see the difference between your partner playing golf with someone and putting his penis in someone else's vagina?
Nothing against polyamorous arrangements, but sex is just about the most intimate thing you can do with someone. Don't think it's OTT to expect your partner not to shag other people.

HeyThereDeliah

Shenshen wrote: »

Because we love each other? I thought that was generally why people get married, they love each other and intend to spend their lives with each other?

Yes but you and your husband intend to spend it with other people as well.

Grayson

Howard Fat Tummy wrote: »

You really can't see the difference between your partner playing golf with someone and putting his penis in someone else's vagina?
Nothing against polyamorous arrangements, but sex is just about the most intimate thing you can do with someone. Don't think it's OTT to expect your partner not to shag other people.

It can be the most intimate thing you can do. But it doesn't have to be intimate. I've given gf's candle lit backrubs. But does that mean that if I give someone else a backrub I'm cheating.

Sure the time with my Gf was intimate, but if I give someone else a back rub it doesn't have to be.

The only reason sex is so special to you is because you want it to be. It's just sex. It's like eating. Sometimes it's a romantic meal. Sometimes it's a messy kebab (or hotdog depending on your preference). The act is imbued with whatever sentimentality you want it to have.

(Edited to add: If you promise your partner that you'll only have coffee with them and they find you having a latte with someone else, it's a break of trust. The same goes for sex. It's not nhaving sex with someone else that's really bad. It's the fact that a partner trusts you not to that is the issue. Not the actual act of sex)

philologos

Grayson wrote: »

The only reason sex is so special to you is because you want it to be. It's just sex. It's like eating. Sometimes it's a romantic meal. Sometimes it's a messy kebab (or hotdog depending on your preference). The act is imbued with whatever sentimentality you want it to have.

That's your position, I'm not really all that sure if you can really believe that.

However, expecting other people to change the course of common morality and their conscience to suit your philosophy is just not going to happen. Irrespective of how liberal we might profess ourselves to be, most of us still value commitment, most of us still value fidelity, honesty, family, and love in society. I don't think that will ever change.

Most of us come up with differing reasons for this, but I know for sure what mine is.

flutterflye

Thinking logically, yeah, sex is just like eating.
But I don't think I could personally take the emotion and the importance out of it.
I'm not sure if that's because it's innate, or if it's due to what our culture tells me.
Maybe if I grew up only knowing polygamous relationships, I'd feel differently.

philologos

flutterflye wrote: »

Thinking logically, yeah, sex is just like eating.
But I don't think I could personally take the emotion and the importance out of it.
I'm not sure if that's because it's innate, or if it's due to what our culture tells me.
Maybe if I grew up only knowing polygamous relationships, I'd feel differently.

Is it really "logical"? Or is it just excuse making?

Logically - what's best for society is that we have stable families, and stable relationships. What's happened in the last few decades is that more and more people are idolising sexual activity over commitment and family. The question is what do we value and why? Honestly, valuing commitment and family over following your balls is more logical and more rational.

Culture or no culture - one can very very easily see the damage that cheating causes in society. One can see the damage it causes to individuals, and one can see very very clearly the damage that it causes to families.

Please Kill Me

I haven't cheated, nor do I intend to. If I want to see/shag other women, then I wouldn't be in a relationship. Simples.

UCDVet

'Don't hate the player; hate the game'

Cheating in relationships is actually a great example of the Prisoner's Dilemma. It's talked about a lot in Game Theory studies.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prisoner's_dilemma

Basically, there are no 'rules' to relationships. At any point in time your partner can decide to leave you, or decide to cheat on you. And you can do the same.

In theory, the optimal situation is for neither of you to cheat and neither of you to leave - but in practice that doesn't work. People aren't perfect, they enter relationships without knowing all there is to know about you, people change over time, and some people enter relationships without the intent of staying or remaining faithful.

Given the divorce rate, break up rate, and infidelity rate - it's safe to say that nobody can be 100% certain their relationship will not end or include infidelity.

So, in short - if you remain faithful your partner can still leave you or cheat on you. In the end, your single *and* you've missed out on sex you wanted to have.

If you cheat, you *might* get caught, or your partner might cheat on you, or your partner might leave you anyway, but you haven't missed out on sex you wanted to have and you will have other people you can enter into relationships with.

Scanlas The 2nd

philologos wrote: »

Is it really "logical"? Or is it just excuse making?

Logically - what's best for society is that we have stable families, and stable relationships. What's happened in the last few decades is that more and more people are idolising sexual activity over commitment and family. The question is what do we value and why? Honestly, valuing commitment and family over following your balls is more logical and more rational.

Culture or no culture - one can very very easily see the damage that cheating causes in society. One can see the damage it causes to individuals, and one can see very very clearly the damage that it causes to families.

Staying in a relationship for your family when you want sex with other people can also cause damage to individuals, I'm not arguing it's more damage but realise that monogamy can also cause suffering.

philologos

UCDVet wrote: »

Basically, there are no 'rules' to relationships. At any point in time your partner can decide to leave you, or decide to cheat on you. And you can do the same.

According to whom? In marriage you make vows to one another to express commitment to one another.

UCDVet wrote: »

In theory, the optimal situation is for neither of you to cheat and neither of you to leave - but in practice that doesn't work. People aren't perfect, they enter relationships without knowing all there is to know about you, people change over time, and some people enter relationships without the intent of staying or remaining faithful.

Not just in theory. Also in practice.

Oh, and if people are entering to a relationship without the intent of staying or remaining faithful, they have the responsibility to make that clear to their partner so they can make a decision about what to do. Otherwise, that's deceit, you've not been forthright about your intention.

The very idea behind people changing over time is that people often have to work at marriage / relationship.

UCDVet wrote: »

Given the divorce rate, break up rate, and infidelity rate - it's safe to say that nobody can be 100% certain their relationship will not end or include infidelity.

To be brutally honest with you these figures only come about due to a change in philosophy about marriage in the case of divorce. When we say till death do us part, how much of us mean it? I hope to God that in the event that I get married, I'll mean it completely and utterly, in both mind and heart and commit myself to making that end come about.

As for breaking up in a relationship if you genuinely feel that it isn't working out, that's the honourable thing to do rather than cheating behind someones back.

UCDVet wrote: »

So, in short - if you remain faithful your partner can still leave you or cheat on you. In the end, your single *and* you've missed out on sex you wanted to have.

This is why trust is and should be at the centre of a relationship. We trust one another until there is a clear sign that that trust is or has been violated. Often finding someone who shares your values, or your beliefs is a huge huge help in this. This is why many people I know from church for example, marry other Christians. They know what the ethical philosophy that Christianity has concerning a relationship or a marriage is straight off the bat.

Do you think there is more to life than sex? Honestly. It is the West's idol of choice it seems. You see it everywhere. We've become obsessed with it. If people claim that the Victorian era was the age of being a prude (I'm not even all that sure about that claim), then certainly the 21st century has an unhealthy obsession with sex. To be honest I'd hope there was more meaningful things in my life by the time I leave this world.

UCDVet wrote: »

If you cheat, you *might* get caught, or your partner might cheat on you, or your partner might leave you anyway, but you haven't missed out on sex you wanted to have and you will have other people you can enter into relationships with.

Is "missing out on sex" all that matters? Really? When I hear stuff like this, I start to wonder if this is based on any meaningful thought at all. When people claim to be "rational" or "logical" in criticising marriage, or anything else, it really comes down to blind hedonism or as I've put more crudely already, following your balls.