difficult ex partner

full_irish

mum.of.one wrote: »

I am at a loss regarding this comment, unless perhaps I am reading it incorrectly - it is statistically proven that domestic abuse is perpetrated far more by men than women and even if adjusted to include unreported cases, it still weighs far more on the male side. We live in a very patriarchal society, and there are a lot of men who, once in intimate relationships, 'turn' very dominant and controlling - there are plenty of books out there on it, including the Irish one "How he gets inside her head" Yes, there are women who act similarly, but statistically, it is far, far lower.

Where are you getting 'domestic abuse' from?

2+2 does not equal 5.

Similarly, 'father and mother no longer together' + 'father and mother not on speaking terms (for reasons unknown)' does not equal domestic abuse!!

full_irish

Advice for OP:

you need to lawyer up and have your say in court if this is the only time that you will be able to have a constructive conversation with your ex in regards to the care and guardianship of your daughter.

mum.of.one

Ah, I got it from the OPs first post ie:

He drops her off and ican be in the middle of saying something and he just gets in the car and drives away. In the past he has left drunken voicemails on my phone in the middle of the night, has failed on numerous occasions to pick her up meaning I've been unable to go to work. He regularly tells me i,m useless and that I don't care about my daughter.

As I said, I am assuming thats what Sleepy was referring to. Otherwise, it could be the fahter's refusal to drop the daughter for court-appointed access days, which indicates some element of control issues going on there and possibly anger issues from the way he has been described as responding (and I understnad that's only one perspective).

I presume it could only be sleepy who could confirm if I interpreted the post correctly or otherwise... I took it to mean the totality of his behaviour, which sounds abusive.

The Corinthian

mum.of.one wrote: »

I am at a loss regarding this comment, unless perhaps I am reading it incorrectly - it is statistically proven that domestic abuse is perpetrated far more by men than women and even if adjusted to include unreported cases, it still weighs far more on the male side.

What would these statistics that 'prove' this be?

The problem with such statistics. because there has long been little or no research into domestic violence against men - in many quarters, it's not even acknowledged that it takes place and ironically there are significantly more unreported cases of domestic violence against men than there are against women, further complicating matters. More recent statistics, in the US, have shown the opposite - that men are more likely to be victims of domestic abuse and, because women are more likely to use weapons, more likely to suffer serious injury.

Not that Sleepy was even talking about domestic violence; he was discussing unreasonable, irrational or selfish behaviour. He never mentioned violence.

We live in a very patriarchal society, and there are a lot of men who, once in intimate relationships, 'turn' very dominant and controlling - there are plenty of books out there on it, including the Irish one "How he gets inside her head" Yes, there are women who act similarly, but statistically, it is far, far lower.

And there are lots of women who, once in intimate relationships, 'turn' very dominant and controlling too. The dominant-subservient dynamic in relationships is hardly a patriarchal creation.

mum.of.one wrote: »

I presume it could only be sleepy who could confirm if I interpreted the post correctly or otherwise... I took it to mean the totality of his behaviour, which sounds abusive.

I suspect it's the usual, psychological, non-physical, power-manipulation brand of abuse.

Custodial parents can pretty much do what they like. They can largely ignore court orders for access, because they rarely, if ever, suffer any consequences (if you jail them, as you do those who fail to pay maintenance, who'll take care of the child?). Guardianship rights are also unenforceable - medical procedures can be carried out by the custodial parent without even informing the other guardian, schools can be changed, religious wishes ignores, and so on - because courts can't really do much about it.

As a result, some custodial parents use this control and effective immunity from consequences to act out against the other parent, in retaliation for some wrong against them - real or perceived. Either gender is perfectly capable of being an asshole, at the end of the day.

Generally the advice given is that you have to 'suck it up' or 'take it on the chin', and to a degree there's no escaping this. However, I do believe that there is a limit to how much any parent should tolerate this, not only for themselves, but also because the parental alienation that will tend to come with such behaviour ultimately ends up harming the child in question.

In the OP's case, I'd agree that she should seek professional advice at this stage. I do get the feeling that there's more to her story that we don't know - principally because she's not the custodial parent (it is so unusual for custody to go to a man that it's inevitable that questions will be asked) - and so I very much doubt that we'll be able to advise her adequately here.

laylag

Thanks everyone for all of your comments.

I have made an appointment to see a solicitor in early Feb so fingers crossed I can get this situation sorted to some extent. Having thought about it over the last few days, i'm hopeful that the court will be able to clear up any ambiguity over my rights in relation to access as this is where the majority of issues are coming from from my perspective. I hope that i can be more involved in my daughters upbringing and that the court will see that I am being continuously alienated and that this is unfair both to me and my daughter...her dads feelings towards me really shouldn't be coming between me and her and that is what has been happening.

thanks again :-)

mum.of.one

Hi The Corinthian

In 2005 there was a major study done in Ireland on Domestic Abuse that looked at both Women and men as abusers. Stats show conclusively that women are affected/injured more... and they did take into account under-reporting. It is a huge report (available online) but here is the main findings:

Domestic Abuse of Women and Men in Ireland: Report on the National Study of Domestic Abuse

The National Crime Council in association with the Economic and Social Research Institute (ESRI)


The National Crime Council, in association with the Economic and Social Research Institute, published the first ever large scale study undertaken to give an overview of the nature, extent and impact of domestic abuse against women and men in intimate partner relationships in Ireland. The study was commissioned by the National Crime Council and based on a survey conducted by the Economic and Social Research Institute of a nationally representative statistical sample of over 3,000 adult women and men, as well as focus group interviews with Traveller and immigrant women. The report is written by Dr. Dorothy Watson, Senior Researcher with the ESRI, Principal Investigator and Senior Author and Miss. Sara Parsons, Research Officer with the National Crime Council.

The key findings were:

•The report shows that 15 per cent of women (or about one in seven) and six per cent of men (or one in 16) have experienced severely abusive behaviour of a physical, sexual or emotional nature from an intimate partner at some time in their lives.
•While the risk to women is higher, domestic abuse is something that also affects a significant number of men. The survey suggests that in the region of 213,000 women and 88,000 men in Ireland have been severely abused by a partner.
•Apart from the higher risk faced by women, the risk of having experienced abuse is also higher in couples where one partner (rather than both jointly) controls decisions about money, for those whose parents were abusive to each other, for young adults and for those with children.
•A number of findings in the report suggest an increased risk of abuse where the partners are isolated from close family and neighbourhood supports.
•In almost two out of five cases, the abusive behaviour had no specific trigger or was triggered by minor incidents. In about one third of cases, abuse is associated with the consumption of alcohol. However, in only one quarter of cases was alcohol consumption always involved.
•In terms of the impact of domestic abuse, about half of those experiencing severe abuse were physically injured. Women’s injuries tended to be more serious – women are nearly twice as likely as men to require medical treatment for their injuries and ten times more likely to require a stay in hospital. However, respondents often identified emotional abuse or the emotional consequences of abuse – such as fear, distress and loss of confidence – as the ‘worst thing’ that they experienced. Domestic abuse is also associated with poor health and disability.
•Most women and men who were abused had told someone about it: almost half had confided in friends and about two in five had talked to family members.
•Only a minority (one in five) had reported the behaviour to the Gardaí, however, and men were less likely than women to report (5 per cent compared to 29 per cent of women among those severely abused). Women and men give similar reasons for not reporting the abuse, most often related to the seriousness of the behaviour, a preference for handling the situation themselves, and shame or embarrassment.
•There is evidence that people are leaving abusive relationships. There is a clear link between domestic abuse and marital breakdown. Also, almost three quarters of those who were ever severely abused were no longer in the abusive relationship and among those who lived with an abusive partner in the past, over half had moved out.
•Informal supports were important when someone left an abusive relationship. Of those who were living with an abusive partner and moved out, nine out of ten stayed with family or friends, and only 7 per cent stayed at either a homeless hostel, a refuge or on the street.
•The focus groups with Traveller and immigrant women indicated that they shared a broadly similar view of domestic abuse as the general population and had a similar tendency to rely on informal supports, but with some differences: immigrant women were very unlikely to consider marital rape to be ‘domestic abuse’ and were not well informed of the services available to women experiencing abuse. Both Traveller and immigrant women showed a strong aversion to approaching the ‘authorities’, such as the Gardaí and social workers, for help.

I don't believe I mentioned the word violence though - I used 'abuse' and I would certainly say that this man is abusive, without a shadow of a doubt. Mind you, according to the WomensAid website, emotional abuse (like this man is doing) is a category under the term Domestic Violence:

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is where one person tries to control and assert power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It can be physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse. In the majority of cases it is perpetrated by men and experienced by women. Any woman can be affected and it can happen in any home. There may be warning signs that your relationship is abusive.

It's a shame the Family Law courts didn't take this form of abuse more seriously (as was recommended in that 2005 report). Then no-one would have to 'suck it up' or 'Take it on the chin' as you say.

Im my child's custodian - I certainly don't feel able to make decisions independently of my child's father. Actually I wish my ex took access orders more seriously himself - always late dropping her back, he's been late on numerous occasions, has not turned up a couple of times and if he feels like it he'll be abusive verbally (though very infrequently now thankfully). Ah well, only another 15 and a half years to go - WHAT a celebration my baby's 18th will be!

The Corinthian

mum.of.one wrote: »

In 2005 there was a major study done in Ireland on Domestic Abuse that looked at both Women and men as abusers. Stats show conclusively that women are affected/injured more... and they did take into account under-reporting.

Not exactly a balanced report; an entire chapter of it is devoted to domestic abuse against women, yet there is not even a subsection devoted to men.

The survey was equally gynocentric, with the team conducting the research being entirely made up of women (gender quotas were apparently not required in this case). There was very little effort on tackling under-reporting in the methodology used.

Indeed, it's findings fly in the face of most recent studies and articles abroad that peg male/female abuse almost on a par:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/sep/05/men-victims-domestic-violence
Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Violence
Equality with a Vengeance: Men's Rights Groups, Battered Women, and Antifeminist Backlash

Seemingly though in Ireland the ratio is still two to one according to the report you present. Given the endemic gynocentric bias in social studies in Ireland today, I'm not terribly surprised.

In short, I'll take the report you present with a pinch of salt.

What is domestic violence?

Domestic violence is where one person tries to control and assert power over their partner in an intimate relationship. It can be physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse or financial abuse. In the majority of cases it is perpetrated by men and experienced by women. Any woman can be affected and it can happen in any home. There may be warning signs that your relationship is abusive.

It's a shame the Family Law courts didn't take this form of abuse more seriously (as was recommended in that 2005 report). Then no-one would have to 'suck it up' or 'Take it on the chin' as you say.

According to that definition of abuse, then many single fathers could well claim to be victims. The type of experience that laylag has experienced is not uncommon for men in Ireland, given the complete legal bias where it comes to parental rights, it is very easy to perpetuate.

Yet, if you even read through threads on boards where men are subject to such abuse, the most common answer is to 'suck it up' - it's not even seen as such.

Im my child's custodian - I certainly don't feel able to make decisions independently of my child's father. Actually I wish my ex took access orders more seriously himself - always late dropping her back, he's been late on numerous occasions, has not turned up a couple of times and if he feels like it he'll be abusive verbally (though very infrequently now thankfully). Ah well, only another 15 and a half years to go - WHAT a celebration my baby's 18th will be!

Irrelevant. Just because you claim that you don't feel able to make decisions independently of your child's father, does not change the fact that many women have no such problems. Or, in the case of laylag, women.

January

This thread is straying into legal advice territory, so I'm closing it. OP, your solicitor will be able to advise you.