Problem with partner and breastfeeding

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Sorry if this is in the wrong place but I need some advice and/or to vent! I had a little boy a couple of months ago, our first baby and for the most part everything is going great so far. I decided to breastfeed and unfortunately we've been having an awful time trying to get him to take a bottle of expressed milk. We tried every bottle and every teat under the sun, loads of different techniques etc and nothing worked. So I have been exclusively breastfeeding from the start, which despite the odd bad day it hasn't bothered me too much being tied to my little one, and I have enjoyed breastfeeding for the most part.

However this isn't the problem. The problem is my partner who has decided that our next child is going to be bottle fed from the start, which has really really bothered me. It wasn't that he suggested we bottle feed, but that he stated this is what we're doing that is annoying me. He says since we had such hassle trying to get our little boy to take a bottle that we're not doing that again. I told him it's my choice how I feed my child and if I want to breastfeed then I will. He says "Oh so I don't get a choice then do I?" Which ok I agree he should have some say but I just I don't get why he is so anti-breastfeeding, he's never had to get up during the night for night feeds which he would be doing if we were bottle feeding, he gets to go out on the piss etc. If anyone has had any hassle over our son not taking a bottle it's me! Despite this hassle I want to breastfeed my next child. I enjoy the closeness and the convienience of it. And there's no denying the benefits associated with breastfeeding, I would feel guilty breastfeeding one child and not the other.

I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with this. Do I take his feelings into account or do I go ahead and feed my child as I want? He can be quite unreasonable once he's made up his mind. I sometimes wonder is it cos he's jealous because I enjoy the feeding or does he feel left out? I don't know. I just think it's a woman's chocie in how she feeds her child, am I wrong in thinking this? Thanks for any advice

coffee_cake

Hi OP. Please let us know if you would like this moved to the parenting forum. Unreg posting is available there also.

ElleEm

Right now, it's all hypothetical, so I wouldn't let it stress you too much.

Your little fella is probably having trouble taking to the bottle as he's so used to breast feeding. I would have thought if you expressed into a bottle from the start then there wouldn't be any nipple confusion. Maybe you could say this to your partner. But in fairness, there's no point in getting caught up with the what- ifs!

I would disagree with your point that "it's a woman's choice on how she feeds her child". You didn't make the baby on your own, so you shouldn't get to exclusively make decisions.

doyle61

Did it ever occurs to you that fathers like to bond with their kids aswell and from a personal pov feeding them was a great way for me to bond with my young one.............even if I was knackered doing it.

ABajaninCork

user123321 wrote: »

However this isn't the problem. The problem is my partner who has decided that our next child is going to be bottle fed from the start, which has really really bothered me. It wasn't that he suggested we bottle feed, but that he stated this is what we're doing that is annoying me. He says since we had such hassle trying to get our little boy to take a bottle that we're not doing that again. I told him it's my choice how I feed my child and if I want to breastfeed then I will. He says "Oh so I don't get a choice then do I?" Which ok I agree he should have some say but I just I don't get why he is so anti-breastfeeding, he's never had to get up during the night for night feeds which he would be doing if we were bottle feeding, he gets to go out on the piss etc. If anyone has had any hassle over our son not taking a bottle it's me! Despite this hassle I want to breastfeed my next child. I enjoy the closeness and the convienience of it. And there's no denying the benefits associated with breastfeeding, I would feel guilty breastfeeding one child and not the other.

doyle61 wrote: »

Did it ever occurs to you that fathers like to bond with their kids aswell and from a personal pov feeding them was a great way for me to bond with my young one.............even if I was knackered doing it.

The OP says that the father doesn't get up in the night to feed, which makes your point moot.

@OP. If the father's so intent on bottle-feeding, then it's time he started! Express some milk/make up a feed, then tell him to get on with it...

LegacyUser

I would not be happy being told i could not breastfeed my next baby. I think you need to sit down with him and find out why he is so against it. Maybe he does feel left out? but every baby is different and just because this one did not want to do bottle and breast the next one may do it no problem. But i would be very slow not to breastfeed.

doyle61

What I said is that maybe he wants to get up and bottle feed his child, maybe he'ld like to bond with his child by doing this.

woodchuck

Just a bit of pop psychology here, but I'd bet he's jealous of all the bonding you get with the baby while you're breastfeeding and he's feeling left out. Try to talk to him about it to get to the root of the problem?

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I think you need to sit him down and have a mature and honest heart to heart about what the issue is. Dividing into camps of "it's my body/my child" isn't going to help matters.

It's a complete fallacy that breastfeeding is a barrier to children bonding with their fathers - there are plenty times out-with feeding in which to hold and bond with a child as many close fathers and children are testament to.

That said, of course his feelings need to be taken into account. If your current situation has led to him feeling shut out the parental picture then that's something that needs to be addressed - not necessarily by automatically agreeing to not breastfeed again but certainly by looking at the current dynamics and what of them are getting to him. Do you do the majority of feeding/changing/etc? Perhaps he wants/needs a bigger role in parenting his child and it's easier to lay the blame at breastfeeding and it's role in your future children's lives, than criticise how you are doing things presently?

Certain stages in parenting can make us feel very annoyed/frustrated/fed up and those pass when the stage does. So, I'd advise you put any concerns/disagreements regarding hypothetical children on the back-burner and ensure you resolve any resentments/unhappiness about how things are going currently.

All the best.

user123321

user123321 wrote: »

I told him it's my choice how I feed my child and if I want to breastfeed then I will.

I can't imagine how hurtful that must have been for him. It's not just your child, it's his child too. To be honest I really think it's a horrible thing to say to a father. Of course it's his choice too, it's his baby too.

If anyone has had any hassle over our son not taking a bottle it's me! Despite this hassle I want to breastfeed my next child. I enjoy the closeness and the convienience of it.

Exactly. You enjoy being inconvenienced because you love the closeness of it. Maybe the father would also like to be inconvenienced? You always hear parents' stories of getting up in the night to feed, changing nappies, dealing with tears, not getting any sleep etc. These are all technically inconveniences, but they're also parts of being a parent that I'd hate to miss out on if I ever had a child.

I just think it's a woman's chocie in how she feeds her child, am I wrong in thinking this?

Yes, you're wrong. When the child is inside your body, you should have the final say. Once it's born, both your opinion and the father's should have equal weight.

How would you feel if it was the other way around? If fathers were the ones to breastfeed, and you had this wonderful new baby, and he was constantly taking care of everything, doing all the "inconvenient" things that are a huge part of raising a child. And then, to tell you that ultimately it's his choice how he feeds his child.

It was unfair of him to state how the next child would be fed without talking it through with you, but at the same time your attitude towards the baby being more yours than his is really very worrying. He's not a sperm donor, he's a father, and he should have just as much say as you.

Edit: Of course, I should mention that if it were the other way round, and he wanted you to breastfeed while you didn't, then you would have more of a say because it would involve your body.

LegacyUser

he clearly feels left out and thinks that if he were able to feed baby too then he would bond as you clearly have done.

theres no need for an'"íts my baby I decide" argument. but dont back down, breastfeeding is the best thing for a baby and there are plenty of other ways for a father to bond with their child, they just have to make the effort.

its also worth remembering that all babies are different and your next may be fine taking the occasional breast milk from a bottle and then everyone wins

Neyite

OP, why not do what I do? I breastfed exclusively until 3 months, then added in a formula feed (or you could use expressed breast milk instead if you prefer) for the bedtime feed. Dad does the bedtime routine - changing, grobag, and this feed. He gets some time with baby that way.

What I would suggest is that both of you stop insisting, and start discussing. Its not on that he tells you without discussing what way your next child will feed, but then you turned around and did the same! So, start talking . You need to find out why he feels formula is better next time around.

Now, I'd also take yourself off for a day or overnight, and leave enough expressed milk for him to do the feeds, he will get a taste of what is involved with bottles, sterilising, checking temperature, wastage, cost (its about €12 a box, and you'd go through one a week anyway?) and the inconvenience (in my opinion) of it all.

I had an overnight away when baby was 4 months, and Dad was wrecked all the next day after all the day feeds plus 2 night feeds.;) He openly admitted on my return that he didnt know how I did it all the time, so it may make him indirectly reconsider if you show him rather than tell him.

Edit: Sorry, I didnt realise that baby was now refusing a bottle! Any chance your husband meant that you would start earlier on getting baby familiar with bottle as well as breast so there is no refusing? Some babies are fusspots, and wont change over, others happily do.

LegacyUser

What's his motives for this demand?

You need to sit down and talk to him.

My wife has breastfed our boy since birth and I am immensely proud of her. Yes I am left out of the feeding process, but so what? Our boy is getting the best, my missus is happy, that's all that matters to me.

I would cut my arm off to make them happy, why your fella is going on with this nonsense is anyone's guess. You need to find out why.

PS - Ignore the bottle brigade with their "bonding" guff. Breastfeeding is best. You are doing a terrific job.

Holiers

Jump that hurdle when you get to it. First you need to get pregnant, then be pregnant for 9 months, then have the baby ...by which time you might both have a very different perspective on things.

A few months after a new baby emotions run high. Let things settle.

The_Conductor

OP- I was rather taken aback by your 'Its my body, its my child, I'll do what I want' attitude. Personally, I'm very much in favour of breast feeding, and believe it gives children a good start in life that they don't necessarily get when they're exclusively bottle fed.

We tried to breast feed our two, with mixed results- and I have been doing the nighttime feeds consistently (thankfully no longer necessary).

There are many ways that babies bond with their dads too- that you might like to explore. When either of our two wake up at night- there is nothing they enjoy more than my hugging them next to my chest, where they can hear my heart beating- it calms them down immediately, and normally puts them back to sleep, and back into their own cots, before long.

A first child is always going to be a learning experience- and no matter what any of us say- parenting does not come naturally to any of us- we all make mistakes. Thankfully children are very forgiving- I beat myself up for days when Baby Shane rolled off the bed onto the floor- he was fine minutes later- we need to pick ourselves up from the little dramas and move on. You need to be understanding towards one another too- but more importantly, you need to learn how to help one another and your child to the best of your abilities- recognising that each of you will have limitations, and picking up the slack for one another as and when the other needs a break.

Vis-a-vis your little one not wanting to take a bottle- and what this might mean regarding future children- it means precisely nothing. Every child is a unique and mischievious little bundle of fun. They all have their things that they do, that their siblings don't- their own personalities, their little foibles.

Cross that bridge when you come to it- but until then- be good to one another, and to your little one.

meeeeh

Your partner is being selfish. It is not about him it's about what is best for baby. And if you are prepared to breast feed it's very selfish of him to demand differently. However there are some things you can do, you can stop breast feeding at certain age completely and the baby will then most likely take the bottle. I had similar problems as you and after six months he was 'forced' to start bottle feeding and he did. After that I read somewhere that at 4-9 weeks is advisable to try to give a bottle a week to a child because after that they can become very stubborn and refuse it. It would be also much easier for you if you have to go somewhere and somebody else can feed the baby. But deciding to exclusively bottle feed just so daddy doesn't feel left out is madness in my opinion.

P. Breathnach

One should be careful not to confuse stupidity with malice. I suspect that OP's partner expressed his views in a stupid rather than a malicious way.

There are issues arising out of the inability to get the child to accept the bottle:
- OP is tied down a great deal. This seems to be generally okay with her, but I infer she might enjoy a little more freedom. Her partner might also be very conscious of those restrictions, and actually want OP to have a bit more freedom.
- Her partner's opportunities for involvement in caring for the child are limited.
- The requirements of this breastfeeding regime might be a barrier to OP and her partner having quality time together as a couple - for example, a night out together.

I can imagine a partner, frustrated by such things, choosing a bad way to express his feelings. And suddenly two battle lines are drawn.

OP, I suggest that you treat what your partner said as something that was badly expressed. Look past the words and try to see what is troubling him, and then try to take things forward from there.

You have time to deal with this: it's not like you are going to have the next baby in three months' time.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

Hi OP. Please let us know if you would like this moved to the parenting forum. Unreg posting is available there also.

Sorry, yeah that would be great actually thank you.

Ickle Magoo

Moved to Parenting from PI as per OP's request. :cool:

LegacyUser

Exactly. You enjoy being inconvenienced because you love the closeness of it. Maybe the father would also like to be inconvenienced? You always hear parents' stories of getting up in the night to feed, changing nappies, dealing with tears, not getting any sleep etc. These are all technically inconveniences, but they're also parts of being a parent that I'd hate to miss out on if I ever had a child.

I never said I enjoy being inconvenienced? I said I enjoy the convenience of breastfeeding. And for me it is so much more convenient than washing and sterilising bottles and making up formula. When my son wakes at night I don't have to get up and heat up a bottle, I just bring him into the bed and feed him. No worries about it being the right temperature, is it sterile etc. Same when we're out and about, I can feed him whenever and wherever without worry.

My partner bonds with our son in every other aspect of caring for a baby- he helps with nappies, winding him, bathing him, playing with him etc. It's just the feeding he can't help out on. If our son would take a bottle I would happily express some milk so my partner could feed him now and then but unfortunately that's just the situation we've found ourselves in. Of course I end up doing more but that's natural when I'm home all day and my partner is out working.

Thanks P. Breathnach, your post made me think a bit more. I guess I was just so taken aback by how his attitude had changed, as he was so positive when I chose to breastfeed our son. I don't know, maybe I thought it was a little selfish of him to decide to deprive our next child of all the benefits associated with breastfeeding because of what he wants? I do realise now though that we need to sit down and discuss this. It's important to clear the air as it has really bothered me.

How Strange

Op, I think the idea that bottle feeding = more/better bonding for the dad, granny, auntie and breastfeeding = a lack of bonding is strangely an Irish thing. As a society we've a very weird relationship with breastfeeding. I've heard all sorts of things being said such as it creates an unnatural closeness between the baby and mother (especially if it's a boy!?!).

Without doubt breastfeeding is the naturally biological way to feed your baby. Therefore it's something only the mother can do. However it's true to say that dads have become so much more involved in the daily lives of those baby children in the last 10/15 years so they want to be a part of every part of their lives. The formula companies definitely play up on this new involved role and use it as a marketing ploy by creating images of happy dads feeding their babies.

I think there's more going on between you and your husband than breastfeeding v bottle feeding. I can honestly tell you that our relationship was always very solid until we had our son (also our first) and we had a very rocky 7-8 months. There was a lot of resentment, frustration etc because we were both exhausted and still finding our feet as parents. It's definitely not an easy transition and no one warns you that it can put your relationship under enormous pressure.

I really think you need to park any arguments about how a hypothetical no.2 child will be fed and concentrate on the baby you have now. There are so many ways for dads to be involved with their babies lives apart from the actual process of feeding. The first few months are intense because they seem to do nothing but feed but that will change. My son was breastfed and we managed a weekend away when he was 9 months old. He was still breastfed but at that stage even if he went on strike my mam could've got some breastmilk or formula into his breakfast cereal so he'd get it one way or another.

That weekend away was magic! We felt like a couple again and not just the exhausted parents of our baby son.
So these things aren't forever even if they seem like it the time.

Squiggler

OP, a baby puts a huge strain on a relationship. Everything changes. My OH and I have a very strong marriage, which has come through some horrendous personal tragedies without a hiccough... but the last 7 weeks with our baby boy have been very difficult at times. Try to put all of this to one side and just enjoy each day, one day at a time.

Breastfeeding is best for the baby, and, when everything is taken into consideration - cost of equipment, time needed to sterilise, cost of formula or time taken expressing etc - it is also cheaper and more convenient. Yes, the father can't do it... but he can get involved winding, changing nappies, distracting and entertaining a bored baby... so many other ways.

My OH gets a bit jealous sometimes, but what he doesn't realise is that he has an advantage over me - our baby doesn't see him as a walking drink dispenser so plays with him more.

We've already had a couple of arguments around not feeding the baby when he was hungry and we were out and about. My OH insisted the first couple of times that we waited until we got home, so I had to endure a journey home with sore leaky boobs with my little man screaming and giving me dirty looks. The next time he suggested going anywhere I sat him down and talked to him about it.

I agree with those who've said that you need to talk about this. Not when emotions are heightened, but some time when you're both calm and relaxed.

If you really want the baby to take a bottle then you will probably have to get your OH to give it to the baby, and when you're not around. You could suggest that you go out with some girlfriends for an afternoon while he tries again. If you're not around the baby will not have an alternative and you won't feel the horrible stress that goes with listening to a hungry baby crying when you know how easy it would be to feed it.

Communication is key though. Best of luck!

dollypet

He might just be thinking it would be easier for you OP to bottle feed next time- less tied to the baby. He has seen a "problem" and see's what he feels as a way to "fix" it. Stereotypical man reaction.

I'd say chat to him- explain why the "problem" is not a problem

Daffodil.d

Op, Myself and my husband had these hypothetical discussions when our first one was young. I remember feeling as worked up as you. Say to him look lets deal with this little one now and discuss the next one when it comes. Chances are that he'll change his mind our you'll change yours by then. because the bottle versus breast debate will go on forever here. when that's not the actual point. The point is that he wants input on decisions.

cyning

My hubby was worried about me breastfeeding to begin with for various reasons and what we did was discuss it and I said I'd try for a fortnight, 6 weeks, 3 months and now we're both happy to keep going. Is it maybe that he sees how time consuming it can be and how tiring it is and he can't imagine you doing it with a toddler running around?

Like How Strange and Squiggler: new babies can make things a little strained sometimes: it is a HUGE adjustment! And it might be his way of trying to control the massive adjustments going on around him?

eviltwin

There are lots of ways dads can bond with a baby beyond the feeding thing.

I always laugh when I hear parents to be say "but won't dad feel left out if I breast feed?"

I bottle fed my first baby and her dad was never great about doing any of them, in fact most women I know who bottle feed still end up doing most if not all of the work.

There are lots of benefits to breastfeeding not just for the baby but for mum as well, show him some of them and tell him he is being selfish for trying to stop you.

pwurple

Unless you are due another baby in the next two weeks or so, I wouldn't take that as an attack on breastfeeding. I think your husband may be missing YOU.

He is just wording it in a very clumsy way.

pickarooney

I wouldn't put too much stock in what anyone with a three-month old says on the subject. He's probably just frazzled and right now the thought of three months of irregular sleep just doesn't seem like an option to him. He'll forget how hard it was by next year.

dubstarr

I breastfed my 5 children and i loved it.I think a lot of the time mothers do the majority of work so why not do it your way.
I found my dp invaluable for getting the other kids to bed so this could be his job if you ever have other children.
What i would do is express a bottle and go out let him do everything the baby will take a bottle if you are not there,they wont starve and maybe get him to an all nighter once a week.You get to sleep and he gets to bond.

liliq

pickarooney wrote: »

I wouldn't put too much stock in what anyone with a three-month old says on the subject. He's probably just frazzled and right now the thought of three months of irregular sleep just doesn't seem like an option to him. He'll forget how hard it was by next year.

I think I was ready to go in all guns blazing about "how dare he...blah blah..." until I read this post.
Pickarooney is bang on. My god... we combination fed for 14 weeks, and once I got back to exclusively breastfeeding my partner was delighted. No more getting out of bed to a cold house to sort out bottles in the middle of the night!

The bonding thing, like How Strange said, seems a very typically Irish thing... food is associated with love.
Your partner can still take care of your baby- change, wind, bathe are all needed, and lovely chest cuddles like smccarrick suggested are a perfect way of bonding.
Dads job, I read somewhere before, is to teach baby that food is not all there is to love.

iguana

When you try to feed your son a bottle of breast milk are you around? I remember that my youngest brother would take a bottle but only if my mother wasn't around. If she was around he would refuse the bottle and only take from the breast.