Problem with partner and breastfeeding

aniascor

A bottle isn't your only option for alternative feeding methods. Your husband could cup feed your baby if he wants to do a feed. It's not as straight-forward as a bottle, but there's a good explanation of it given here: http://www.breastfeedinginc.ca/content.php?pagename=doc-F-CF

I can understand where your husband is coming from, if he's frustrated with not being able to give the baby a bottle. But formula feeding next time around isn't a solution to this particular breastfeeding problem - it just means that next time around, you'll have a different set of problems.

I agree with the others, that now is not the time to be worrying about this. When our son was about two or three months old, my husband announced that we were never having another child, and I was devastated. I remember saying to him that I would never have agreed to have a child with him if I knew he would only want one child - we had always agreed to two. And siblings were very important to me growing up, so I wanted that for our own child. I worried about it for a long time - seems silly now. Because everything changed as we moved out of that first year. (And now we have a second one on the way - planned and wanted by both of us - so all that worry was for nothing!)

Hope you can figure out a solution that works for both of you.

mamakitten

iguana wrote: »

When you try to feed your son a bottle of breast milk are you around? I remember that my youngest brother would take a bottle but only if my mother wasn't around. If she was around he would refuse the bottle and only take from the breast.

I was going to suggest this also, babies often wont take a bottle if the mother is around at all. If you really want to establish mixed feeding, and many people do it very successfully, then try going out for a couple of hours and leave your dp with the baby and bottle. When you are not there, the baby might be more inclined to take a bottle.

Anyway I really wouldnt worry too much about what your dh is saying now, sleep deprivation can mess with your head, and if/when the situation arrives again you might find he has forgotten all the bad bits and remembers only the good . Sure none of us would ever go on to have more than one child if we only remembered all the sleepless nights, crying, stress etc

Hannibal Smith

I'm coming to this thread a bit late....but I'm finding the whole...let him feed the baby to bond .... argument ridiculous. are there some fathers out there who are that insecure about their relationship with their baby that they will interfere in what's nutritionally bestf for their child?

As far as I'm concerned op you're making the best decision for your child and that should override anything else.

Having said that...a lot of people say a lot of things in the early days of parenthood that are soon forgotten.

Dont worry about it now...enjoy your baby and cross the other bridge when you come to it.

McTigs

Any man who gets upset because his wife is breastfeeding for whatever reason ie not getting a chance to bond, feeling left out, not being in control, needs to grow up and stop acting like a child. It's not all about them.

My wife breastfed our daughter and nothing gave me greater joy than the sight of the two of them working away. Nursing gave my wife a huge sense of fulfillment and the baby got what was best. Win win.

I'll be quite honest and say that it took me quite a while to bond with the child and maybe that was cos i wasn't feeding but Big Deal! In time my time came. Your kids will be with you a long time and it's not a race to see who bonds first.

Any man whose partner wants to breastfeed should giving every encouragement they can. I also whole heartedly disagree with the arguement that the man should have an equal say. Codswallop. What's best for the baby has the most say, after that it's what ever the parents can acommodate.

Learpholl

McTigs wrote: »

I also whole heartedly disagree with the arguement that the man should have an equal say. Codswallop. What's best for the baby has the most say, after that it's what ever the parents can acommodate.

And who decides whats best for the baby? Without doubt both mother and father should be able to have an equal input into whats deemed best for the baby. It is clearly not as straight forward as "What's best for the baby has the most say" because whats best for a baby isn't always as straight forward as that.

McTigs

Learpholl wrote: »

And who decides whats best for the baby?

science

This man declared, without consultation from his wife and without explanation as how it would benefit the future child, that the next kid would be bottle fed from the off.

The mans need for bonding, being included or being in control comes second. If the mother wants to breastfeed she should be supported not chalenged. If the story is as being told, he is just being selfish. Say based on selfish needs/wants should be a say.

dubstarr

I think it should be up to the mother as in most cases they are the sole carers.I breastfed all 5 of my children and if my partner had said to me you are not going to breastfeed because i want to bottlefeed and bond with the children i would have told him on his bike.
Whats more important the welfare of your child or appeasing your other half.
And i bet she would be left doing all the night feeds anyway.
The first few weeks are hard he should be supporting her and making sure she is well looked afterbut he would rather put his own needs first.

Learpholl

McTigs wrote: »

science

This man declared, without consultation from his wife and without explanation as how it would benefit the future child, that the next kid would be bottle fed from the off.

The mans need for bonding, being included or being in control comes second. If the mother wants to breastfeed she should be supported not chalenged. If the story is as being told, he is just being selfish. Say based on selfish needs/wants should be a say.

Sorry, you've missed my point here I think. I completely agree that the man in this case is wrong but that doesn't mean you can state as you have that the man shouldn't have an equal say:

McTigs wrote: »

I also whole heartedly disagree with the arguement that the man should have an equal say. Codswallop. What's best for the baby has the most say

What if the mother wants to bottlefeed and the man wants the baby to be breastfed? Is it still codswallop that the man should have an equal say? Or what if it's not something as straightforward as breast vs bottle. What if the parents have differing opinions on the school the child will attend? Should the man not have an equal say in that case? How does science determine whats right for the child there? Both mother and father should have an equal say, thats not codswallop. However, neither parent should let their own selfishness get in the way of making the correct decision, i think we agree on that. I'm just saying i think its ridiculous to say the father shouldn't have an equal say.

McTigs

Learpholl wrote: »

Sorry, you've missed my point here I think. I completely agree that the man in this case is wrong but that doesn't mean you can state as you have that the man shouldn't have an equal say:

What if the mother wants to bottlefeed and the man wants the baby to be breastfed? Is it still codswallop that the man should have an equal say? Or what if it's not something as straightforward as breast vs bottle. What if the parents have differing opinions on the school the child will attend? Should the man not have an equal say in that case? How does science determine whats right for the child there? Both mother and father should have an equal say, thats not codswallop. However, neither parent should let their own selfishness get in the way of making the correct decision, i think we agree on that. I'm just saying i think its ridiculous to say the father shouldn't have an equal say.

This discussion is purely in the context of feeding, specificly breastfeeding. In every other aspect of parenting i believe the father should have an equal say, but feeding, specifically breastfeeding is different.

I take an equal responsibility for decision making regarding my kids and myself and my wife arrive at conclusions often after lenghty discussion, thankfully we are on the same page 99% of the time.

But the feeding plan was the one decision i stood back from and told her it was her decision and i would support whatever she decided. I was delighted she chose to breastfeed and i supported her completely in that. However if she had chosen not to, i would have had to support that too although it wouldn't have been my favoured route because it's simply not my place to tell her what she should and shouldn't with her body.

I hope this clarifies my position.

Hannibal Smith

Learpholl wrote: »

Sorry, you've missed my point here I think. I completely agree that the man in this case is wrong but that doesn't mean you can state as you have that the man shouldn't have an equal say:

What if the mother wants to bottlefeed and the man wants the baby to be breastfed? Is it still codswallop that the man should have an equal say? Or what if it's not something as straightforward as breast vs bottle. What if the parents have differing opinions on the school the child will attend? Should the man not have an equal say in that case? How does science determine whats right for the child there? Both mother and father should have an equal say, thats not codswallop. However, neither parent should let their own selfishness get in the way of making the correct decision, i think we agree on that. I'm just saying i think its ridiculous to say the father shouldn't have an equal say.

Interesting...as the man can't breastfeed in order for the baby to be breastfed he would have to tell the woman what to do with her own body. so yes as regards feeding the baby the father having a choice is codswallop.

Mctigs is right ibid this case what the father wants is codswallop because the mother is doing the very best for the child.

Learpholl

McTigs wrote: »

This discussion is purely in the context of feeding, specificly breastfeeding. In every other aspect of parenting i believe the father should have an equal say, but feeding, specifically breastfeeding is different.

Fair enough, I guess I took you up wrong earlier.

Learpholl

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

Mctigs is right ibid this case what the father wants is codswallop because the mother is doing the very best for the child.

I never argued that the mother in this case wasn't doing the best for the child. McTigs said this:

McTigs wrote: »

I also whole heartedly disagree with the arguement that the man should have an equal say. Codswallop. What's best for the baby has the most say

Which I didn't agree with but when he explained that he meant that only in the context of breastfeeding then thats a completely different point so I'm not trying to argue any differently.

mum.of.one

Breast is best as they say! Hard to beat that argument, especially if it is working for you!

Definately this man sounds jealous and left out.

Perhaps by the time the next bambino hopefully arrives, he will be bonding with his little child and he might be able to take over more care of him/her while you focus on new bambino - one for everyone in the audience then! Ta Dah! Problem solved

I breast-fed for 8 months. loved it. Bottle fed afterwards - loved that too - garlic and wine at last!

There might be plenty of time down the line when your husband gets to bottle feed this baby anyway, but until then is there anything he could exclusivel do perhaps (and give you a break in the process?)

Seriously though, breast is definately best....

dubstarr

mum.of.one wrote: »

Breast is best as they say! Hard to beat that argument, especially if it is working for you!

Definately this man sounds jealous and left out.

Perhaps by the time the next bambino hopefully arrives, he will be bonding with his little child and he might be able to take over more care of him/her while you focus on new bambino - one for everyone in the audience then! Ta Dah! Problem solved

I breast-fed for 8 months. loved it. Bottle fed afterwards - loved that too - garlic and wine at last!

There might be plenty of time down the line when your husband gets to bottle feed this baby anyway, but until then is there anything he could exclusivel do perhaps (and give you a break in the process?)

Seriously though, breast is definately best....

You do realise you can drink when you bf all that pump and dump is not recomended anymore.They say now if you are able to drive you are able to feed.A glass of wine is not gonna hurt the baby and as long as you dont get drunk its fine.
Garlic is the same how do you think women in other countries cope they just get on with it.

hoodwinked

correct me if im wrong but the op said the husband said the next baby would be bottle fed?


thats not always formula, you can express into bottles too, i had to do that for our daughter, she never took to breastfeeding despite days of trying, so had only bottles from day 1, (and may i add is doing better than her breastfed classmates in all areas height/health/skills/education)

so i don't buy into this breast is best / bottles are best arguments, i think when it comes down to it as long as they get the nutrition that helps them grow regardless of what it is or where its from thats whats best.

baby humans have grown from drinking cows milk from birth watered down. yes we understand more about the science behind nutrition now, but we survived before we knew this, babies will survive and thrive without it too. If you ask me its all down to their genetics but thats another story.


my point is both the OP and her husband need to sit down and reach a compromise (aka breast feeding and expressing, or expressing only..etc) and do whatever suits both of them, they will have to compromise on everything else as parents, so this is a good opportunity to start.

mum.of.one

Think the suggestion of expressing and bottle feeding that would be a good compromise for now to calm the discussion at home - and then you could re-address it later whenever no. 2 is becoming a reality so to speak!

liliq

mum.of.one wrote: »

Think the suggestion of expressing and bottle feeding that would be a good compromise for now to calm the discussion at home - and then you could re-address it later whenever no. 2 is becoming a reality so to speak!

Expressing is a pain, takes the whole convenience out of breastfeeding, brings its own level of risk with incorrect storage of milk and sterilisation of bottles, pumps etc. some mums also simply can't express. A pump is never going to be as effective as a baby's suck so realistically to express enough to meet a babies demand you need to express more often and for longer than baby is nursing.
While it is a valid suggestion, I'm not arguing with that, it's not a simple long term solution to a dad having issues with letting his baby be fed normally.