my teen is driving me insane

shadowgirl

my 15 yo is an only child, he grew up a happy, well mannered kid.
since starting the hormonal stage at 11, he has turned into a snarling, mean mouthed, disrespectful lad.

if i try speaking to him...i'm nagging
when he does something wrong...like wont go to school.
i ground him or he's not allowed his phone/internet etc

this morning he wouldn't get up for school, so i told him he was grounded for two days.
all day long he has been ranting on and on.

this evening i went to bed around 10 pm, he was in the bath

and as soon as i was asleep he left the house and went to his friends across the road.

i ended up going over there at 2.30 am to get him and he called me a dope, because i went to his friends to get him home at 2.30 am

i am at a loss as to what to do...i'd be so grateful for some advice

SG

gammygils

Try giving him a good wallop!!!!

Moonbeam

Advocating violence will not be tolerated here .

shadowgirl

thanks for the advice gammygils,
but i have never laid a finger on my son.
I couldnt no matter how annoyed i feel with him

Daisy M

Are you the only parent involved in his life, can you get support from the other parent?

When my son gets a punishment he nags and gives off for days. I used to respond and try and explain why and expect him to understand our reasons. But to be honest understanding parents reasons is like rocket science. He now knows if he plays up he will get in trouble, there will be consequences and thats that.
Are you sure there is not something more going on than just hormones?

shadowgirl

Hi DaisyM, thanks for the reply.
no, i am not an only parent, his dad used to be very laxy a dasiy with him, but since all this crap started, he has been stricter and backs me up.

Re:something else.
i actually though that myself, i though maybe he was drinking or using drugs or something, so i asked the doctor to do a blood/urine test on him.

he though it was a routine test so hadn't a clue that i was having this done.

and it came back clear and he isn't being bullied, although he was bullied for two years in primary.

like you i have tried explaining, but i may as well bang my head off the wall :-/

he is sitting in the sitting room with his dad and i and he is like the boy i have always known.

but i know from experience that he will be off again tomorrow with the bad attitude, etc

Daisy M

I think a lot of it is hormones I find with my lad he needs good boundaries. Sometimes we used to give too many punishments out of sheer fustration then when we took a step back we realised that it was too much and ended up reducing the punishments. All this did was send out mixed signals. Now we give an appropriate punishment and stick with it. This works a lot better for us. I also find he thrives on one to one attention geared towards something that interest him.

Does your son refuse to go to school often, I have never had any issue like that so don't know what to say there.

endacl

He sounds like me at that age OP...

If its any consolation, he will grow out of it. Take a deep breath, set his boundaries, and let him know the limits of what you and your OH will tolerate. If you catch him in a 'lucid' moment, talk it through with him, and include him in deciding these boundaries and consequences. He's 15 now, and while still very much a snotty kid, he's also a nearly-young-man. Explain that you understand that, and while you will support his increasing individuation, you also expect him to act as if he can handle it. Adults go to work. Nearly-young-men go to school. Neither have to like it, but that's the reality of life. Good to hear you have the support of your OH. United front! Come here for a rant too if you need to.

Autonomous Cowherd

Hi,

It's a toughie. I've raised three teens, just coming out the far end, or thereabouts. I recognise your frustration. My guys are the most wonderful people I know on this planet - now!- so fingers crossed, all okay.

Because we live in the arse crack of nowhere we didn't have the staying out with the friends on the street til all hours lark, but the hormonal stuff will bring you to your knees, no doubt about it.

It is also the case that their individual personalities will make them more or less difficult - some are sweeties, but clever at keeping stuff from you; others are grumpy up-front pups who relish a full-blown barney at the drop of a hat.

And the first teen is always tricky because as the old chestnut goes, nobody gets a handbook..we are all just learning on the job.

Two things I realised ''on the job'' was number 1) they are the ones with the infinite energy...they will argue you into the ground...and its water off a duck's back to them. Today's teens have a great line in irony. They are clever, wily little feckers, glic beyond their years. In fact they quite enjoy sharpening the sword of their tongue on you. You're just a dopey 'rent, after all, who knows nothing. It's a wonder you were able to get it together to
conceive them! So, in general, save your breath for cooling your porridge.

Which leads to number 2) Pick your battles. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore (the baiting, I mean..and the dropped laundry and the skanky room and the gruff attitudes and the general teenage stuff) but when a line is crossed, a line that you truly believe is worth fighting for, then hold that line in the face of all abuse/wry mockery/resistance. Just speak clearly. Explain your position. Examine your own motives first...why are you fighting this battle? And if it's worth it, dig in. Hold firm.

The not going to school bit seems like a 'worth fighting the battle' issue - unless he can come up with a viable acceptable alternative, a Fetac course, or some other training etc.

Most of all, though it sounds corny, love them unconditionally. Never take what they say or do personally. Try not to be reactive emotionally to them. But Explain to them if they hurt you. And apologise if you get it wrong. Realise that they are the most incredible people you know. That's what you are here to do for them...

All the Best.

deelite

We play the waiting game, so when the child (that's what they are even though he acts s lot older) wants something - like phone credit, money for cinema etc., he's a different boy. So we take the opportunity at this stage to suggest that if he was always this "nice" he'd never have to ask for anything because he'd get whatever he wants all the time. Sometimes I get one full hour of good behaviour from him after this conversation!!!