5 year old in a rage

GismoBaby

I just wanted to get a few ideas from others with young kids - prefereably school going age

My 5 year old is normally a pleasant tempered easy going child. Not an angel by any means, hes a young boy after all but Ive never really had any bother with him. He was a very easy baby to rare. He is normally well enough mannered and does as he is told.

But in the last 10 months, 5 or 6 times he has gone into a rage, 3 or 4 major ones and 1 or 2 not so bad ones. A totally out of character thing for him. When he gets into this rage he is extremely defiant, gives really evil eyes, he kind looks at you from under his brow if you get me! He absolutely refuses to do anything, he does not cry when he is like this its is purely temper. He is liable to lash out and seems to lose all control of his normal self. One time he ran the whole way down a massive hill cos his brother knocked over his bike, another time he flung his dinner across the room cos the creche wanted him to eat outside but he wanted to eat inside!

I didnt really worry about this until today (He didnt really have terrible 2's so i guess i was thinking it was some delayed reaction to enforcing his independance). Today it happened at school and he lashed out at another child. He really hurt the poor wee thing. This is the first time hes actually hurt anyone while in this rage. He threw schoolbags and coats around the room before someone finally settled him down. They then called me and sent him home. Ive no idea what triggered it and noone seems to have seen what happened and he cannot enlighten us either.

I brought him straight to the doctors where he tried my patience doing things he shouldnt do, he must have still been feeling the affects of being in the rage. Im going back to the doc in a day or two on my own to discuss things but ive no idea what to expect from her or what she will say. This was by far the worst one hes had and it has me really worried.

Once hes settled down hes back to his normal self as if nothing ever happened like he doesnt even remember it happening.

Does anyone have experience of something like this? I know there are disorders that cause raging on a more frequent basis and im worried that could be happening. Any help would be grateful!!

Victor

When did he start school? Is he finding things difficult? Not just academically, but socially.

What else has change in his life over the last year?

Is there a negative 'role model' that is showing him such behaviour?

GismoBaby

Victor wrote: »

When did he start school? Is he finding things difficult? Not just academically, but socially.

What else has change in his life over the last year?

Is there a negative 'role model' that is showing him such behaviour?

He just started in september and as far as im aware he has settled in really well all round. Ive spoken to his teacher a few times and shes always said he gets on well... until today

We moved house a few months ago but its not the first time we have moved and I honestly dont think that is the problem.

Access with his dad has been a problem but I do my best to shield him from any of that, Im not sure the other side are as cautious about what is said around him though. Even still Im sure he knows theres something wrong. When he was a baby access was 3/4 days a week. We moved away and it reduced slightly to 3 days a week but 3 weeks a month. Then it stopped altogether for months after an 'incident' last new years and has now reduced dramatically to 4 days a month - at the dads request. I think the incident last xmas could be where it all started. He was very upset after his dad refused to take him and he (the dad) hasnt been making things easy on us since.

I also know that he has no boundries and seems to rule the roost while in his dads and then has to come back here to a house where if he does break the 'rules' there are consequences. In his eyes i must look like the bad cop

Victor

Are there other male role models in his normal life - grandfather, uncle, teacher, etc.?

Might there be some activity he can take part in that he can use to work out the stress, even if it's just kicking a football?

GismoBaby

Victor wrote: »

Are there other male role models in his normal life - grandfather, uncle, teacher, etc.?

Might there be some activity he can take part in that he can use to work out the stress, even if it's just kicking a football?

not really. we dont live near his grandparents but anytime were home we see them which would be at least once a month. he does have a teenage brother but sometimes hes like oil on a fire and they end up killing each other! and his teacher is a woman too as is his bus driver!! Hes blessed among women!!

Do they do football for 5 year olds? jes such a daft question but my other son isnt sporty at all so ive no idea what age they start these things!! Ill look into it though it may be just the thing he needs and be good dscipline for him too

LadyMayBelle

I think you know already what the root cause if these rages could be; all that confusion and separation between parents and moving house; a little brain cannot compute that stuff at all, it's not yet been wired to do that! He's experienced being rejected by his father; you know how adults are after a break up? And we can sometimes understand it; a child of five won't.
I suggest spending some 1:1 time with him, gentle play, art and cuddles when he is in a good mood and coming up with a plan for when this rage starts; I'd really recommend Margot Sunderlands 'what every parent needs to know' book, which deals well with these rages and how to manage them. (If I'd a copy on me I'd paraphrase but its in the office!). Has he got a bean bag he can use?
Helping him express and understand his feelings will see a decrease in these rage states, for sure.

GismoBaby

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

I think you know already what the root cause if these rages could be; all that confusion and separation between parents and moving house; a little brain cannot compute that stuff at all, it's not yet been wired to do that! He's experienced being rejected by his father; you know how adults are after a break up? And we can sometimes understand it; a child of five won't.
I suggest spending some 1:1 time with him, gentle play, art and cuddles when he is in a good mood and coming up with a plan for when this rage starts; I'd really recommend Margot Sunderlands 'what every parent needs to know' book, which deals well with these rages and how to manage them. (If I'd a copy on me I'd paraphrase but its in the office!). Has he got a bean bag he can use?
Helping him express and understand his feelings will see a decrease in these rage states, for sure.

Yes I know thats what it is that causing it but I cant say that out loud as I will find myself back in court again on another spurious charge. Its got to the point where I just dont speak to him I cant for my sanity's sake.

I will definately check out that book thanks for that.

Thing is I spend a lot of time with him and so he doesnt have these kinds of reactions around me, not to the extent of yesterdays incident. Around me he goes no further than putting on a face or going into a huff for a few mins which really is no more than any child his age does.

I have good discipline in my house as would his school and my parents but its a different story in his dads. Im sure he thinks its a holiday camp any weekend hes there. He stays up late, sleeps in his dads bed, is allowed outside after dark, Gets brought in the car/tractor with no car seat, is allowed sit in the front of the car, gets sweets when he wants them and toys and dictates whats for dinner and thats only the bits i know of. Then he has to come back to reality where there are rules and boundries and where there are consequences if they are broken. This cant be an easy adjustment for him either?

LadyMayBelle

You're right. Youre able to contain his rages so at home, but elsewhere he doesn't feel safe enough to manage those feelings and just 'blows up'.. It's probably as scary for him as it is for those watching him! He isn't getting a clear consistent message and that's wreaking havoc.

'the volcano in my tummy' is a handy workbook you might like to look at and can do with him; it's for 6 up but you could adapt; looks at 'clean' and 'dirty' ways of getting angry and what it feels like when all the feelings inside get jumbled and confused that it feels like we are going to explode.

It must be dreadfully difficult for you trying to parent one way during the week and all change when his Dad has him; however unless there is a degree of consistent parenting it's only gonna continue as more confusing for the child; perhaps it would be possible to have a joint meeting with the school, where there's a third person in the room to help mediate? Even to agree on some things to start like rules and consequences that will apply in both households? A school psychologist can help also with that.

GismoBaby

LadyMayBelle wrote: »

You're right. Youre able to contain his rages so at home, but elsewhere he doesn't feel safe enough to manage those feelings and just 'blows up'.. It's probably as scary for him as it is for those watching him! He isn't getting a clear consistent message and that's wreaking havoc.

'the volcano in my tummy' is a handy workbook you might like to look at and can do with him; it's for 6 up but you could adapt; looks at 'clean' and 'dirty' ways of getting angry and what it feels like when all the feelings inside get jumbled and confused that it feels like we are going to explode.

It must be dreadfully difficult for you trying to parent one way during the week and all change when his Dad has him; however unless there is a degree of consistent parenting it's only gonna continue as more confusing for the child; perhaps it would be possible to have a joint meeting with the school, where there's a third person in the room to help mediate? Even to agree on some things to start like rules and consequences that will apply in both households? A school psychologist can help also with that.

Thank you so much LadyMayBelle, your a really great help! Ill see about getting that workbook he might enjoy actually doing something on paper, he loves the wee bits of homework he gets and loves showing me how good he is at doing it, so maybe thats a good option for him.

I had said to him last night as he was going to bed that if he felt he was going to get very mad at something that he should say to his teacher "Teacher I think im feeling a little bit cross can i go for a walk" but i didnt want to start the day on a sad note so i didnt remind him about it this morning and when he came home today he said proudly "Mammy I didnt feel angry at all today and I didnt have to ask teacher could I go for a walk" he was glowing saying it! He actually made it into a wee positive thing for himself. Im just hoping he doesnt start taking the mick of the teacher with it, it was only after i had said it to him that i thought he might start using it to his advantage!!

Going back to talk to GP in the morn so we'll see how that goes and parent teacher meeting afterwards. Im sure there will be manys a tear shed 2mrw! I cant help but get very emotional about it in front of other people. its so hurtful to me, thinking my wee boy is suffering and that others are probably judging me for it and all im doing is trying to make things better for him. Im not sure how a meeting of the 3 parties would go down but its something ill obviously bring up if i think its needed

Thank you so much for your help I really didnt know whether what i was doing was the right thing. Thanks for giving me other options