Copied from an e-mail I just got

donegal_man

A local charity realised that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most estate agent. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least €700,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The estate agent mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity worker mumbled, "Um ... no."
Estate agent interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken charity worker began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the estate agent's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated charity worker, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the estate agent cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

**********************

Two young high fliers were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping centre. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old git is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, an elderly gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."


**********************

An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"
"Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange question
from somebody whose dick is on his face."

**********************

Andy had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

His wife replied, "The undertaker would be my first guess."

**********************

A married couple is driving along doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." Husband said
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
But she grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. Up to 60.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.

"The airbag."

livEwirE

Class ones there mate

donegal_man

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.
So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.
The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"
Again, the bo y made no attempt to answer.
So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

**********************

A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done - - andI
tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there...and it *hurt*!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you.
Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a blood curdling scream.
"What happened?" Says the wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

**********************

donegal_man

I was lying next to my wife last night when she said; “Malcolm, I want you to make love to me like never before, I want you to make me scream with ecstasy and don’t stop until the morning”.
So we got down to it and kept going all night, she screamed until she couldn’t scream any more and finally we were finished.
She somehow managed to turn to me and said “That was fantastic, how was it for you”?
I said “Great, only one question…… who the f*ck is Malcolm”?


************************************


The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
“Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I’ve just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week.”
Obama: “Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We’ll be ruined. We’ll have to ship some in from Mexico.”
Telephone voice says, “Bad idea… The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We’ll be a laughing stock.. What about Ireland?”
Obama: “Okay, they'll be glad of the business I'll contact Kenny in the morning to order three million ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they’ll continue to respect us as Americans.”
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested…. All decorated with a shamrock with small writing on each one:
MADE IN IRELAND – SIZE: SMALL


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An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.” He knocked. The Innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window.
“Could ye spare some victuals?” He asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. “No!” she shouted.
“Could I have a pint of ale?”
“No!” she shouted.
“Could I at least sleep in your stable?”
“No!” she shouted again.
The vagabond said, “Might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.
“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “that I might have a word with George?”


************************************


Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
‘I may look like just an ordinary man,’ he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit £65 million.’
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and, three days later, she became his stepmother.