Relapse into broken hearted state

LegacyUser

Hi,

I posted on here a good 10 months ago when my long term girlfriend broke up with me, looking for advice on how to deal with it. I received many replies, all really helpful. Went on to have a difficult yet rewarding few months and was finding that while my ex was still in my head the odd time, she was there less and less. I've slowly built up a social circle again, doing well in college, but then out of nowhere I've started to really miss her badly. What's weird is that I know myself there is no chance of us ever getting back together, or even talking again, yet I can't get her out of my mind. She had looks, personality..everything really. I hate the thought that I won't be as happy as I was with her again. Missing the company of a person, and since she was my only relationship its her company that i'm missing. Is a relapse into this state normal? I feel like an idiot for letting her dominate my thoughts but it's genuinely hard to stop.

Flutterby80

Hi, its really really difficult to stop thinking about someone who you loved and probably still do love a bit so try not to be so hard on yourself. Look how far you have come since your break up, making new friends and doing well in college, I bet you didn't believe you would be able to do any of those things when you first split up. Maybe now that many months have passed your idealising her in a way, she was your first proper relationship and your only reference point, also your feeling lonely which is only natural at this time of the year. Maybe its time to think about asking someone out as I think this is the only way that you are going to truly move on with your life, think of it as the next stage of moving on and getting over her. Try to visualise your life in another 6 months and imagine how much better you are going to feel you just need to believe it.

LegacyUser

Flutterby80 wrote: »

Hi, its really really difficult to stop thinking about someone who you loved and probably still do love a bit so try not to be so hard on yourself. Look how far you have come since your break up, making new friends and doing well in college, I bet you didn't believe you would be able to do any of those things when you first split up. Maybe now that many months have passed your idealising her in a way, she was your first proper relationship and your only reference point, also your feeling lonely which is only natural at this time of the year. Maybe its time to think about asking someone out as I think this is the only way that you are going to truly move on with your life, think of it as the next stage of moving on and getting over her. Try to visualise your life in another 6 months and imagine how much better you are going to feel you just need to believe it.

It's hard to just ask someone out when you're not dating on a regular basis at the minute (or in fact dating at all) I've been texting a girl for the last while and she seems like she has a decent personality (with a few flaws that she's mentioned) but I can't help but compare her to my ex, in looks and personality wise she doesn't come close. I find it so difficult to stop comparing people to her. I read an article somewhere that loads of adult relationships fail because people have an idealized version of what relationships should be like (based on the experience with their first love) and I can't help but think I'll end up going down that route.

Lorna123

Yes this is one of the most difficult periods of life, i.e. getting over an ex. You feel empty, nothing compares and you eventually couldn't be bothered trying. It is awfully hard. The empty feeling can only be gotten over if you fill the void. You have to get hobbies, things that you really enjoy doing and then you will have something to look forward to. Try to fill you spare time at weekends by making yourself a list of things to do so that you are not sitting at home thinking about the ex. Push yourself to do them even if you don't want to at first. Eventually you will have a new routine and meet new people in the process. Don't despair OP, getting over an ex is very hard, not easy at all and you will have relapses along the way until eventually you won't have them anymore. Your ex is not the only person you can be compatible with, there are hundreds more women out there that would knock your socks off, but you have to get out there to meet them and it can take time. You were doing well up to this and now you are going through a relapse but this will pass OP and you will do well again. So best of luck with it.

Flutterby80

Guest9 wrote: »

It's hard to just ask someone out when you're not dating on a regular basis at the minute (or in fact dating at all) I've been texting a girl for the last while and she seems like she has a decent personality (with a few flaws that she's mentioned) but I can't help but compare her to my ex, in looks and personality wise she doesn't come close. I find it so difficult to stop comparing people to her. I read an article somewhere that loads of adult relationships fail because people have an idealized version of what relationships should be like (based on the experience with their first love) and I can't help but think I'll end up going down that route.

I know it is so hard but the way I see it you have two choices, you can sit at home and pine for your ex or you can decide to give yourself a kick up the ass and get back out there and try to enjoy life. Whats the alternative? Wishing for something that may never be and letting life pass you by? You will go down the route of believing that noone compares to your ex if thats the mindset that you allow yourself to slip into. I hope this doesn't sound harsh because believe me Im not saying it lightly, I know exactly how a broken heart feels and what its like to feel you will never love anyone in the same way again. At the end of the day we all only get one life so decide what is that you want from yours and give it one day at a time.

jantheman91

Guest9 wrote: »

It's hard to just ask someone out when you're not dating on a regular basis at the minute (or in fact dating at all) I've been texting a girl for the last while and she seems like she has a decent personality (with a few flaws that she's mentioned) but I can't help but compare her to my ex, in looks and personality wise she doesn't come close. I find it so difficult to stop comparing people to her. I read an article somewhere that loads of adult relationships fail because people have an idealized version of what relationships should be like (based on the experience with their first love) and I can't help but think I'll end up going down that route.

That's the biggest problem; comparison. No matter how much you say you won't/don't compare your gf/bf to previous ones you do/will. I'm in a similar place to you right now but i'm working through it.

Time heals everything. For some people it takes weeks, others years. I can sympathize with how in terms of how incredibly difficult it is, but it will pass.

Patience is the key! Keep your head up!

LegacyUser

It really doesn't seem fair that some people only take weeks or a few months. I'm in the same boat. It is by far the hardest thing I've gone through in my life. It could be with the christmas period approaching that it seems to strike back up again, loads of different reasons. I don't think you can stop yourself making comparisons and all those thoughts going around in your head. It really messes with your mind and isn't easy. I try to reason in my head that I have a few really close friends who I love each for different reasons and I don't compare my friends. Everything is easier said than done.

I know this might sound stupid, but what I think to myself when I feel it is 'there's that ache again', I just feel it, accept that it's there and just say to myself, 'well it will pass in a bit again'. Time sometimes just doesn't move fast enough and patience can suck at times. Always look after yourself and be good to yourself on those hard days.