Hating the idea of going back to work

emmabrighton

I am finding it very difficult with the prospect of going back to work.

I am not really getting any sympathy from my siblings or my mother who just see that it is as a necessity and I simply have to go back to work or I won't be able to pay my rent or feed myself. I am devastated because my baby was born 3 months premature so I will be returning to work when he is 3 months corrected age or 6 months actual. He spent 3 months in hospital so I am only getting 3 months at home with him.

My partner isn't working and he hasn't bonded with my baby as much as I have but he will be the one that will be at home minding him. My sister keeps putting a positive spin on it saying that at least i will have money to do things with my child on the weekends. My mother congratulated me on the job offer. Do they really mean that? I can't honestly believe they could be that insensitive. Especially considering my mother had the good fortune to be a stay at home mom.

It is killing me inside knowing that I have to go back to work. Did you other moms feel the same way? How did you ever make it to the front door of the office? How did you make it through the first few weeks? How long does it take for you to be happy with leaving your poor baba in someone elses care (even if it is their daddy)?

Moonbeam

emmabrighton wrote: »

I am finding it very difficult with the prospect of going back to work.

I am not really getting any sympathy from my siblings or my mother who just see that it is as a necessity and I simply have to go back to work or I won't be able to pay my rent or feed myself. I am devastated because my baby was born 3 months premature so I will be returning to work when he is 3 months corrected age or 6 months actual. He spent 3 months in hospital so I am only getting 3 months at home with him.

My partner isn't working and he hasn't bonded with my baby as much as I have but he will be the one that will be at home minding him. My sister keeps putting a positive spin on it saying that at least i will have money to do things with my child on the weekends. My mother congratulated me on the job offer. Do they really mean that? I can't honestly believe they could be that insensitive. Especially considering my mother had the good fortune to be a stay at home mom.

It is killing me inside knowing that I have to go back to work. Did you other moms feel the same way? How did you ever make it to the front door of the office? How did you make it through the first few weeks? How long does it take for you to be happy with leaving your poor baba in someone elses care (even if it is their daddy)?

Can you extend your leave ?
Maybe change to a 3 day week for a while?
Is your partner the babies dad ?
I took 8 months on both of mine,my 1st had never been away from me until the week before she started creche and I went shopping with out her :-)
I cried and cried but got used to it fast.
*hugs* it feels horrible

emmabrighton

Thanks moonbeam,

Yeah my partner is my babys dad and he is great with him but he does things that I would never do with my little boy. Like 1) feed himself before the baby, 2) dress himself before he dresses the baby, 3) facebooks his friends when the baby is awake instead of entertaining the baby.

Its a new job that I will be starting so cant go on a 3 day week. I honestly didnt think i would get one so soon. I just got the first one I applied for. My maternity leave in my previous job ends at the same time as the end of my contract and I cant afford to not go back working as my partner is unemployed and would have less prospects than I would.

I am so glad that you are not sugar coating the experience. It helps knowing that other people hate the idea of going back to work too. I think its so funny how hard people fought so women could continue working after they got married and had kids and I would do anything not to work.

pwurple

In your shoes I would be getting royally annoyed at your partner rather than your mum.

Surely you have told him how hard it is for you to do this?

On the practical side for a start, you can't claim single mother allowance because you have a partner, but as you are not married, you can't use his tax credits either. Worst of both worlds financially, and entirely within his control to fix with 150 euro down the registry office. I am possibly the furthest thing from a romantic though, so obviously ignore me if that is a bit cut-throat for you.

The bloody least he should be doing though, as he isn't working is to make a giant parenting effort so you feel comfortable leaving a premmie at home with him. Cut off the internet during the day if he is facebooking instead of either job hunting or upskilling. There are ways of blocking it using your router.

Hannibal Smith

it is crap going back to work...half the time the thoughts of it are worse than the reality. you got a raw deal at the start of your son's life and its very unfair that you can't extend your leave.

perhaps with your partner you're thinking no one could look after the baby as well as you? if he was in a creche he would have to share the adults with other babies so wouldn't get full on attention either. I realise that's not the same as the attitude a father should have...but have a little faith and see how it works out. going back to work can be daunting enough..I'm sure your partner is well capable of looking after him?

0ctober

Don't worry you're not alone in how you feel! I'm due back to college in 4 weeks and am absolutely dreading it. Since my daughter has been born I haven't been away from her for more than 4 hours as I'm breastfeeding. Leaving her for a whole day is going to just kill me as she's so attached to me.
Everyone seems to assume I'm dying for a break from her and that I'm looking forward to going back, maybe other mammies feel that way but to me leaving her is the worst thing in the world. Like you I would love to be a stay at home mammy! I don't know how I'll cope with it, kinda burying my head in the sand about it at the mo...

leonidas83

.

lounakin

Same here, starting in january in a soul-killing place where hard work is never appreciated... just to earn a measly pay... ugh...

wmpdd3

OP, I felt pretty much the same.

My other halfs only real option was to apply to college and get BTEA, so he ghad to spend 7 more months on JSA to get it. I went back to work 45 plus hours per week when my first was 7 months old.

I hated it, I was so close to her, the first few weeks I only saw her for 8 hrs awake the first week. I used to sit beside her when I came home, even though she was asleep.

There were days when just for a second, I'd forget I had a baby as it had been so long since I'd seen her.

I also resented the was my other half was on the computer while he minder her. etc. I always fed her before me, too!

BUT, my other half did great. He came into his own when I wasnt there.

It comes down to wheather or not you trust your other half to mind your baby. No amount of sympathy for you parents or sister will make you any happier in work. Only someone working and giving care to a baby knows how hard it is.

I lasted about 3 weeks before I asked to go part time. It took a few months for this to be sorted but as soon as I had a plan I was happier. I cant imagine how it feels to leave a premie, after only 3 months. I think if I had stayed on 45 hours a week I would have gone insane or just walked out of my job.

I have to say the extra money meant nothing to me. To me it wasnt worth it.

pontia

emmabrighton wrote: »

Thanks moonbeam,

Yeah my partner is my babys dad and he is great with him but he does things that I would never do with my little boy. Like 1) feed himself before the baby, 2) dress himself before he dresses the baby, 3) facebooks his friends when the baby is awake instead of entertaining the baby.

Its a new job that I will be starting so cant go on a 3 day week. I honestly didnt think i would get one so soon. I just got the first one I applied for. My maternity leave in my previous job ends at the same time as the end of my contract and I cant afford to not go back working as my partner is unemployed and would have less prospects than I would.

I am so glad that you are not sugar coating the experience. It helps knowing that other people hate the idea of going back to work too. I think its so funny how hard people fought so women could continue working after they got married and had kids and I would do anything not to work.

wouldent worry too much,if thats your attidude towards him you will be on your own before long,

pontia

pwurple wrote: »

In your shoes I would be getting royally annoyed at your partner rather than your mum.

Surely you have told him how hard it is for you to do this?

On the practical side for a start, you can't claim single mother allowance because you have a partner, but as you are not married, you can't use his tax credits either. Worst of both worlds financially, and entirely within his control to fix with 150 euro down the registry office. I am possibly the furthest thing from a romantic though, so obviously ignore me if that is a bit cut-throat for you.

The bloody least he should be doing though, as he isn't working is to make a giant parenting effort so you feel comfortable leaving a premmie at home with him. Cut off the internet during the day if he is facebooking instead of either job hunting or upskilling. There are ways of blocking it using your router.

cut off the internet ? what planet are you on,how can he apply for a job ?

pontia

and then its tears and snots where another man feels worthless and buys a rope,

Squ

Could be the best thing for everyone.
Is he playing with the baby at all? This could be the time for him to bond with the baby.

But yeah, three months is far too short for you and babóg. Your Mam and sis are just trying to help, thinking about if they're being insensitive or not isn't important..

lmullen

I only had a temporary contract which ended 3 weeks before I had my little one on my new one started when she was only 9weeks old. I had to take it as I couldn't afford not to work. It was tough to go back to work but I was lucky as her auntie is minding her and she's super and as for the cousins they have my little one spoilt rotten!
I find it very hard being back teaching but at least I know that I'll have holidays to spend all my time with little baby. It was hard for the first couple of weeks leaving her but at least I know she'll want for nothing and I won't have to worry about not being able to afford bills and rent which I think would be worse.
Just make sure you make the most of your evenings and weekends with your little one!

pwurple

pontia wrote: »

cut off the internet ? what planet are you on,how can he apply for a job ?

I also suggested just blocking facebook.

And to answer you, The planet where his job during the day is to look after a premature infant. He can look for another job in the evening, when his first job finishes. If he wants to be a permanent stay at home dad, then discuss it like a grown up, commit to it properly and investigate the best financial way to do it.

CaraMay

OP does he feed the baby before himself even if the baby is starving? What does it matter if he dresses himself first? I eprsonally dont think babies should have 100% parents attention all day so whats wrong with him being on the pc?

If you dont trust him then why have a baby with him?

How Strange

In my experience of my husband and what friends say about their husbands/partners; men are hard wired differently and there's nothing wrong with that.

When a woman becomes a mother it's like a switch has been flicked and you instinctively know from the first moment you see your baby that their life, wants and needs are more important than yours.

My husband used to forget to feed my son when he was weaned onto solids at first. Probably breastfeeding meant he'd never had to think about feeding him before. He'd eat his breakfast first and basically put his needs before our sons.

It annoyed the hell out of me for a while but one day I wanted a break and decided to head off for the day with some friends. My son was fed, was well looked after and his dad did a fantastic job. I did have to remind him before I left to feed at xbtimes, change nappies at y times etc but everything was done and everyone was happy.

Dads just see things differently which is probably an evolutionary thing. They aren't programmed to be the main carers. But it doesn't mean they can't or won't be if it's required.

Op I think you need to set out a clear routine of your baby's day do he knows up front what happens when.

Squ

How Strange wrote: »

In my experience of my husband and what friends say about their husbands/partners; men are hard wired differently and there's nothing wrong with that.

When a woman becomes a mother it's like a switch has been flicked and you instinctively know from the first moment you see your baby that their life, wants and needs are more important than yours.

My husband used to forget to feed my son when he was weaned onto solids at first. Probably breastfeeding meant he'd never had to think about feeding him before. He'd eat his breakfast first and basically put his needs before our sons.

It annoyed the hell out of me for a while but one day I wanted a break and decided to head off for the day with some friends. My son was fed, was well looked after and his dad did a fantastic job. I did have to remind him before I left to feed at xbtimes, change nappies at y times etc but everything was done and everyone was happy.

Dads just see things differently which is probably an evolutionary thing. They aren't programmed to be the main carers. But it doesn't mean they can't or won't be if it's required.

Op I think you need to set out a clear routine of your baby's day do he knows up front what happens when.

Fully agree with this. Our babies weren't on draught, so i was able to go 50/50 with feeds, but my wife (who would be a very laid back person) was a lot stricter with timings..

As you say, wired differently.

implausible

OP, you've had a raw deal with having so little time with your baby, but you have to look at the positives - a new job and a partner who is willing to be the baby's full-time carer. It's difficult going back to work at any time after having a baby and leaving him/her for the first time.

However, it is not helping to be so hard on your partner. Us mothers can be martyrs sometimes and expect others to be the same. Unless the baby is roaring for a feed, there is no reason why you wouldn't eat before the baby. In fact, for your own health, it is better to do so, as you might not get a chance later in the day. It makes absolutely no difference whatsoever who gets changed first, unless baba is sitting in a a stinky, wet nappy. Neither is there anything wrong with your partner using social media while caring for the child, unless of course baba is screaming his head off; 3 month olds don't need 24/7 stimulation. Being unemployed, he probably needs some outlet.

If you take it easy on him and trust him, you will find the transition a lot easier.

Glowing

emmabrighton wrote: »

Thanks moonbeam,

Yeah my partner is my babys dad and he is great with him but he does things that I would never do with my little boy. Like 1) feed himself before the baby, 2) dress himself before he dresses the baby, 3) facebooks his friends when the baby is awake instead of entertaining the baby.

I'm a mother of a 3 month old, and I'm also 'guilty' of each of the above offences! Certainly doesn't make me a bad parent! and my baby is happy and healthy. In my situation, I have to put myself first with regard to food, I can't properly care for my girl when I'm starving with the hunger - if I don't eat then she doesn't! I also think babies need quiet time when they're awake in order to prevent being overstimulated - there is a happy medium!
Go easy on your OH, you'll probably find when he is alone and fully responsible then things will be different.

lounakin

Same here, sometimes I eat before nursing my child and sometimes I get dressed quickly first before I dress the baby who needs more attention. Besides, the baby doesn't care if she's dressed or not... in fact I'm pretty sure she prefers having no clothes on whatsoever!

emmabrighton

thanks everyone for your input. it wasn't really about my oh. i do get frustrated with him and did lol at the "you'll get the flick" comment. i didn't want to have a oh bashing session but more a whinge about how unfair things can be and to hear how other moms hate the idea of leaving their babbies too.

implausible

emmabrighton wrote: »

thanks everyone for your input. it wasn't really about my oh. i do get frustrated with him and did lol at the "you'll get the flick" comment. i didn't want to have a oh bashing session but more a whinge about how unfair things can be and to hear how other moms hate the idea of leaving their babbies too.

Look, everyone is in the same boat and most of us probably secretly think that no-one can care for our babies the way we can and you're very lucky to have your other half doing the minding. I cannot say hand on heart if mine would do it in the same situation. However, after the initial few months, it is inevitable that we have to start trusting others to take care of them. It's just the first step in a long line of trusting people other than ourselves - minders, teachers and themselves eventually.

It's tough going back into "the real world" too, but after a while you may come to appreciate the benefits like adult conversation, a routine, a sense of achievement, finishing a cup of tea and going to the toilet with the door closed. You'll also get to see the look on your baba's face when you come home in the evening and really get quality time.

Cienciano

OP, my wife was dreading going back to work too. It's a job she doesn't really like. The idea of handing a baby over to a stranger in a creche in order to do a job she doesn't even like was heartbreaking. First day was a nightmare! But after about 3 days she was grand. At least it's your partner that's doing the minding! But the nurse in ante natal class basically told us how it would be and she was bang on. A few days after going to work and you'll be ok, it's probably thinking about it that's actually worse!

How Strange wrote: »

In my experience of my husband and what friends say about their husbands/partners; men are hard wired differently and there's nothing wrong with that.

When a woman becomes a mother it's like a switch has been flicked and you instinctively know from the first moment you see your baby that their life, wants and needs are more important than yours.

My husband used to forget to feed my son when he was weaned onto solids at first. Probably breastfeeding meant he'd never had to think about feeding him before. He'd eat his breakfast first and basically put his needs before our sons.

It annoyed the hell out of me for a while but one day I wanted a break and decided to head off for the day with some friends. My son was fed, was well looked after and his dad did a fantastic job. I did have to remind him before I left to feed at xbtimes, change nappies at y times etc but everything was done and everyone was happy.

Dads just see things differently which is probably an evolutionary thing. They aren't programmed to be the main carers. But it doesn't mean they can't or won't be if it's required.

Op I think you need to set out a clear routine of your baby's day do he knows up front what happens when.

Thats nicely put! There's definitely a difference between the mum and dad. And I think at the start when the baby is young the dad doesn't get any feedback from the baby other than dirty nappies and a bit of crying. When they get a bit older and the baby can laugh, crawl and play the dads become more interested.

branners69

My wife didnt want to go back to work after our first so we kept having more babies. When we got to four under five years of age there was no way she could go back to work! So get busy!!