Not interested or just out of your league?

Galwayguy35

leahyl wrote: »

Really?! I know plenty of people who have had serious relationships since their early 20's. I'm in my late twenties now.

Most of the crowd I grew up with would have been mid 20s when they had their first long term relationship.

But then I suppose we were boozing every weekend back then until we got sense.

Everyone is different I suppose!

leahyl

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Most of the crowd I grew up with would have been mid 20s when they had their first long term relationship.

But then I suppose we were boozing every weekend back then until we got sense.

Everyone is different I suppose!

When I say a serious relationship I mean a relationship in general btw - so yeah I've never had a relationship - it's tough out there!!

Galwayguy35

leahyl wrote: »

When I say a serious relationship I mean a relationship in general btw - so yeah I've never had a relationship - it's tough out there!!

Well I'm 38 and have had only had 3 long term relationships, some people jump from a break up straight into another relationship, a bad move IMO.

Better to wait for the right person to come along.

Israel_Dagg

RoverZT wrote: »

If your as good looking and stylish as you think.

You shouldn't need to be using that tip.

Does a good looking girl need anything besides looks?

No.

It's the same for guys.

Looks are enough.

Wrong. :P

EdenHazard

Defo wrong. IMO i'd say there is way more good looking forever alone lads than there is girls. lads have to be dominant and confident, and if your not, despite having decent looks you'll struggle.

Real Life

EdenHazard wrote: »

Ah well I'm not amazingly good looking or even obviously above average(although some girls think I am, not boasting they tend to be ones I'm personally not attracted to but my style of clothes is better than most which gives me a few points imo)

My problem is girls I'm crushing on never like me back. I have to assume its something about my personality which turns girls I know off. I'm a nice person, maybe I come across too nice, too weird I duuno.

In clubs I don't exactly pull that much either but when I pull I tend to pull hot girls(imo) so in clubs its not really my looks its more my lack of confidence on that given night)

But that's kinda going off point. I think we know subconsciously which league we belong to and it effects who were are attracted to. I think people tend to reach and equilibrium if that makes sense. However like anything there is exceptions to the rule. I know a girl whose a model and she goes out with this fairly average looking guy, a mixture of his personality and social standing helped him pull her.

pretty much exactly the same as me

Testify

leahyl wrote: »

When I say a serious relationship I mean a relationship in general btw - so yeah I've never had a relationship - it's tough out there!!

Put yourself out there ! Socialise some more with the intention of enjoying youself, you'll meet someone along the way

leahyl

Testify wrote: »

Put yourself out there ! Socialise some more with the intention of enjoying youself, you'll meet someone along the way

Oh I know sure I do but don't get much interest....ah well, I'll hope for the best!:pac:

cantdecide

leahyl wrote: »

Oh I know sure I do but don't get much interest....ah well, I'll hope for the best!:pac:

So how often do you ask guys out?

ulyssescohen

Create your own league!

cantdecide

ulyssescohen wrote: »

Create your own league!

Then chat yourself up?

leahyl

cantdecide wrote: »

So how often do you ask guys out?

Lol, I guess i should have seen that one coming! I haven't, would be way too shy

cantdecide

leahyl wrote: »

Lol, I guess i should have seen that one coming! I haven't, would be way too shy

I think you need a New Year's resolution. The world needs more women asking guys out!

leahyl

cantdecide wrote: »

I think you need a New Year's resolution. The world needs more women asking guys out!

I wish I could and I really admire girls that do ask guys out but I just know that I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself!

Scanlas The 2nd

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I'm not sure I believe in this out of your league thing but on the other hand, if a woman is very good looking the chances are that the guy she is with is good looking as well.


Personally I've never bothered approaching a stunning looking woman as I'm realistic and know I wouldn't have a hope of getting anywhere.

This translates as you do believe in "leagues".

cantdecide

leahyl wrote: »

I wish I could and I really admire girls that do ask guys out but I just know that I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself!

Why can't you be one of those girls you admire? It's really not that hard. I really mean that. I suggest you could ask people IRL as opposed to the pub scene. It's actually easier. Ideally someone you've just met before it becomes a big thing. You get chatting with someone in a coffee shop or wherever and you just say 'hey, there's a thing on this blah de blah night- I could meet you there if you like'.

Take it from me, even if you had three eyes and two noses, they'll be stoked you asked. It's really liberating. If you're not emotionally invested, there's nothing to lose and everything to gain.

leahyl

cantdecide wrote: »

Why can't you be one of those girls you admire? It's really not that hard. I really mean that. I suggest you could ask people IRL as opposed to the pub scene. It's actually easier. Ideally someone you've just met before it becomes a big thing. You get chatting with someone in a coffee shop or wherever and you just say 'hey, there's a thing on this blah de blah night- I could meet you there if you like'.

Take it from me, even if you had three eyes and two noses, they'll be stoked you asked. It's really liberating. If you're not emotionally invested, there's nothing to lose and everything to gain.

It sounds so easy but to me it's one of the hardest things in the world to do. Things like that never happen to me anyway, as in meeting someone out and about in town or whatever or in a coffee shop - never happens! In the movies maybe but not in Cork!

Pawwed Rig

As I already said, if you are going to approach people in a meat market (ie a niteclub) then the only opinion they can make of you is your looks. Try meeting people elsewhere. Somewhere you can talk about something interesting without having to scream over the beats of Gangam Style.
Someone who is interesting beats someone who looks good every single time.

leahyl wrote: »

I wish I could and I really admire girls that do ask guys out but I just know that I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself!

Empower yourself. Go get someone you want rather than take second best by sitting back and waiting to see what comes your way.

cantdecide

leahyl wrote: »

It sounds so easy but to me it's one of the hardest things in the world to do. Things like that never happen to me anyway, as in meeting someone out and about in town or whatever or in a coffee shop - never happens! In the movies maybe but not in Cork!

I think you mean the fear of rejection? It's really not that bad. Maybe the first one or two but what I was once told is to remind yourself that you can't miss something you never had. This mantra always works for me. Oh, and remind yourself how brief the actual moment is that you proposition someone. Getting the words out takes literally 3 seconds of pain and it's over for better or worse.

leggo

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Ok but not every guy that approaches a woman is going to be drunk or an asshole so personally I think there are more polite ways to let a person they are not interested than just blanking him or not giving him the time of day.

And people wonder why some men lack confidence?

Again, go out with a good-looking female friend sometime and you'll see that they'd have their entire night taken up if they were to try and weed out men like that. And they'd be in for a barrage of abuse for being a 'cock tease' every time they had to try and let some guy down gently after the lad took her saying "Hello" back to him as if she wanted to go home with him.

You know what you have to do now anyway: get across that you're not a drunken sleaze and interesting enough to get their attention within the few seconds you approach them. That's a start.

cheesefiend

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

Examples?

Personally, I think he's cute but considering that most men would give their right nut to sleep with Christina Hendricks, you might not expect her husband to look like this:




Charlize Theron's new boyfriend:



Loads of other examples of good looking women with [some would say] not as attractive looking men. Never really seen it the other way around though.

Neeson

These men aren't your average man though. How much have they to pay for Gucci handbags, etc?

Their profile adds to their attraction, well makes it actually.

cheesefiend

Both of these women's income far exceeds that of there partners, no? Their profiles completely eclipse their partners. If it was money or fame they were after they wouldn't have found it in these men. It's far more likely that the attraction was personality. I doubt Charlize Theron is attracted to the man who can buy her the most expensive Prada, she can buy her own.

In my own life, the biggest draw is personality. If I notice a guy being kind or witty he's instantly sexier. You get used to someone's good looks and eventually don't see them.

RDM_83 again

cheesefiend wrote: »

Both of these women's income far exceeds that of there partners, no? Their profiles completely eclipse their partners. If it was money or fame they were after they wouldn't have found it in these men. It's far more likely that the attraction was personality. I doubt Charlize Theron is attracted to the man who can buy her the most expensive Prada, she can buy her own.

In my own life, the biggest draw is personality. If I notice a guy being kind or witty he's instantly sexier. You get used to someone's good looks and eventually don't see them.

Ok I'm not saying your wrong about personality at all! (in my limited experience), but those two woman are bad examples to use because their probably at a different life stage than the people the other the average male user on here would be concerned about, looking at Therons Ex's they were staurt townsend and that band guy.

Galwayguy35

Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

This translates as you do believe in "leagues".

No, I believe in being realistic.

Galwayguy35

leggo wrote: »

Again, go out with a good-looking female friend sometime and you'll see that they'd have their entire night taken up if they were to try and weed out men like that. And they'd be in for a barrage of abuse for being a 'cock tease' every time they had to try and let some guy down gently after the lad took her saying "Hello" back to him as if she wanted to go home with him.

You know what you have to do now anyway: get across that you're not a drunken sleaze and interesting enough to get their attention within the few seconds you approach them. That's a start.

You know, if someone thinks as I am approaching them that I am a "drunken sleaze" and want me to prove otherwise than that's not someone I would want to know anyway.

As for the first scenario you describe that sounds like a nightclub full of horny teenagers. At 38 the nightclub scene is well behind me.

alibab

Well i am coming up to 38 and i still do the odd nightclub, I was there st Stephens night and bumped into plenty my age that i hadn't seen in years but then more than likely the Christmas season. To be honest i was there more so to get pissed which i don't do often as i had been dumped Christmas eve after nearly 8 months and just needed a good night out with friends .

I would be considered reasonably attractive and at 37 i look better now than i did when i was in my 20s . I work out look after myself etc and i could have had at least 6 men no problem the other night so i know i am not unattractive . I have a good personality and i am extremely sociable . The last guy i just finished with it had been said to me that i was the more attractive etc but to me that's not what matters and everyone finds different people and different things attractive and i was attracted to him full stop . So in my case i would say women tend to go more so on a personality . If a man comes up to me in a club and he is not overly drunk and can hold a decent conversation and i am interested in talking to him i will find that attractive . I agree not many out there in the club scene which i why i did online dating despite the fact i can meet people other ways i like getting to chat to the person first and getting to know them a bit .

The biggest problem i seem to have is that i am two nice whatever the hell that means so it looks like i am going to have to turn into more of a hard nosed bitch from now on . I was dumped this time as his ex rocked up wanting to try again and he said yes . Also at my age of course there is baggage and no matter what you look like this will also be a factor and with online dating you can be upfront about that from the start but that has its frustrations also. So really it depends on the individual but in my case looks defiantly matter less than personality .

Testify

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

No, I believe in being realistic.

You're obviously a self pitying pessimist.

leggo

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

You know, if someone thinks as I am approaching them that I am a "drunken sleaze" and want me to prove otherwise than that's not someone I would want to know anyway.

As for the first scenario you describe that sounds like a nightclub full of horny teenagers. At 38 the nightclub scene is well behind me.

Yeah you're right, it does sound like that, but it's also the case in reality. I mean, you have a 37-year old posting right after you saying pretty much the exact same thing: she's looking for someone who isn't too drunk and can hold a reasonable conversation. Isn't that pretty much exactly what I told you? And she's not a horny teenager, she seems like a reasonable-headed individual around the same age as you.

I mean, look, you can make as many excuses and put as many walls up in front of you as you like: that you don't 'do' clubs, that these aren't people you want to associate with, that it's all women's fault men have low self-confidence. Ultimately, the end result though is that you're the one who suffers because of these beliefs. Not me, by countering every point I make with an excuse. I'm fine. Acknowledging what it's really like out there being a single man, instead of putting myself into a bubble, has me and many others doing okay.

If you don't want to be alone and you're finding it a struggle (and that's a big admission to make so fair play to you for doing so; that takes strength in itself), something has to give. You can't just do what isn't working for you now and expect the results to magically change. This isn't Hollywood, it's real life, but if you accept that then you can do a lot about it.

Pawwed Rig

alibab wrote: »

So in my case i would say women tend to go more so on a personality.

Why would you think men are any different?

It really depends on what you want. If you want a one night stand then personality really does not come into the equation.
If you want something more then looks don't come into the equation.
I have known lots of guys going out with what you would call classically attractive girls that they couldn't have a conversation with (and vice versa).
Maybe a better strategy for people here would be to drink less and have some hobbies and interests that make you more interesting. There is nothing more attractive than listening to someone who is passionate about something.

If you are in your late 30's and relying on niteclubs to find love I would respectfully suggest a change in strategy.

alibab

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Why would you think men are any different?

It really depends on what you want. If you want a one night stand then personality really does not come into the equation.
If you want something more then looks don't come into the equation.
I have known lots of guys going out with what you would call classically attractive girls that they couldn't have a conversation with (and vice versa).
Maybe a better strategy for people here would be to drink less and have some hobbies and interests that make you more interesting. There is nothing more attractive than listening to someone who is passionate about something.

If you are in your late 30's and relying on niteclubs to find love I would respectfully suggest a change in strategy.

Most defiantly not relying on clubs here i had not been in one in nearly 8 months . I was letting off steam for the night . I had fun it worked will probably not be in another one for another 8 months but if i did want to meet someone in a club i have found it is easy enough to do so but usually lets be honest they are after a one night stand and yes its solely based on looks .

I met my last boyfriend through online dating and it was very successful and i have found it a good medium to meet people in the same position for a start you can be upfront about things and get to know someone a bit before meeting . I am very sociable etc . I will not be dating anyone for awhile to give myself a chance to heal etc so not interested at the minute but when i am more than likely it will be back to online .

I agree men also in the long run will go for personality but men are also visual and in a night club scenario as you said it will be looks .

Pawwed Rig

alibab wrote: »

I agree men also in the long run will go for personality but men are also visual and in a night club scenario as you said it will be looks .

You meant men and women are also visual right?

alibab

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

You meant men and women are also visual right?

Oh yes 100 percent of course same applies for both sexes in that scenario . Its not like you can have any decent conversation going so what else are they basing it on and there is usually drink involved also . In saying that lots have people have met life long partners in this way so it is possible also to meet the one as they say in a nightclub .There has to be some basis of attraction there between both sexes in order for anything to progress

Daveysil15

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

You know, if someone thinks as I am approaching them that I am a "drunken sleaze" and want me to prove otherwise than that's not someone I would want to know anyway.

I agree with this, and you can usually tell very quickly by their reaction. It's like you're guilty until proven innocent.

The Corinthian

'Leagues', for lack of a better term, do exist - however, one should not place too much importance on them either.

Initial sexual attraction is visual in both men and women. When you meet a woman, you'll give her the one over and decide within 30 seconds whether you'd jump in the sack with her, given the opportunity. Women do exactly the same. Naturally, the more conventionally attractive a person, the more likely you'll get the thumbs up, and if so - the more likely that you can afford to be picky.

So 'leagues' exist; your average guy is not going to bed Megan Fox (she can do better), nor is he going to be overly interested in being with Jane Adams either (he can do better).

Of course, it's not as simple as that, any more than a woman deciding within 30 seconds whether she'd jump in the sack with you will mean you're going to get laid. Your character, personality, ability to engage, charisma, even your background and wealth are all factors that may push you over the top with a woman that would otherwise not give you a second glance. Or the opposite; whereby on second thoughts she reconsiders her initial attraction, having discovered that you're overwhelmingly irritating.

So to answer the OP's question; she turned you down either because she's out of your league (she can do better physically) and you failed to subsequently charm her or because she initially found you attractive, but unfortunately you ruined your chances by opening your mouth.

Galwayguy35

Testify wrote: »

You're obviously a self pitying pessimist.

I see the art of having a reasonable discussion with different viewpoints is lost on you, I didn't get personal with you so I'd appreciate the same from you.

You know nothing about me.

Galwayguy35

cheesefiend wrote: »

Personally, I think he's cute but considering that most men would give their right nut to sleep with Christina Hendricks, you might not expect her husband to look like this:




Charlize Theron's new boyfriend:



Loads of other examples of good looking women with [some would say] not as attractive looking men. Never really seen it the other way around though.

The guy with Charlize Theron must thank the gods every night before he nods off to sleep.

Neeson

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

The guy with Charlize Theron must thank the gods every night before he nods off to sleep.

He probably doesn't sleep at night.

riveratom

@Galwayguy, you create your own reality dude. How you see yourself affects how you behave as a result, and that determines what happens to you.

I'll bet that Eric guy who is with Charlize (I really thought he'd be gay in real life too!!), doesn't give a fook, he probably doesn't even care about how overweight he is - he is too busy being a charming fecker who makes some women go weak at the knees. Whether that's from being a real funny guy or just having a great personality, it doesn't matter - he has confidence and belief in himself and there is nothing more attractive than that whether you're male or female.

Raekwon

Why does everybody think that Charlize Theron is going out with Modern Family actor Eric Stonestreet? Because of one photo of them together?

A beautiful woman like Charlize Theron will more then likely be draw to somebody as equally attractive as her, like her ex boyfriend Stuart Townsend, or Alexander Skarsgard, who she is currently rumoured to be dating.

stratowide

riveratom wrote: »

@Galwayguy, you create your own reality dude. How you see yourself affects how you behave as a result, and that determines what happens to you.

I'll bet that Eric guy who is with Charlize (I really thought he'd be gay in real life too!!), doesn't give a fook, he probably doesn't even care about how overweight he is - he is too busy being a charming fecker who makes some women go weak at the knees. Whether that's from being a real funny guy or just having a great personality, it doesn't matter - he has confidence and belief in himself and there is nothing more attractive than that whether you're male or female.

Good post,you hit the nail on the head there.Judging by look's alone you would think he wouldn't have a chance with her.
He doesn't care what he look's like,he doesn't care what she think's he look's like.
Rock solid confidence and belief in oneself let's him do this.I'll bet he just ooze's charm and charisma.He make's her laugh,she feel's safe with him.

A man's look's aren't everything,however your manner and people's perception of you are.And I'm sure this guy know's it full well.

stateofflux

leagues are for insecure people

p1akuw47h5r3it

cantdecide wrote: »

Why can't you be one of those girls you admire? It's really not that hard. I really mean that. I suggest you could ask people IRL as opposed to the pub scene. It's actually easier. Ideally someone you've just met before it becomes a big thing. You get chatting with someone in a coffee shop or wherever and you just say 'hey, there's a thing on this blah de blah night- I could meet you there if you like'.

Take it from me, even if you had three eyes and two noses, they'll be stoked you asked. It's really liberating. If you're not emotionally invested, there's nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Look I'm sorry but I think this is bull****. If a bloke randomly went up to a girl in a coffee shop and basically asked her out chances are she'd just think he's a creep!:pac:

Maybe something like this would work in America but imo the whole thing around dating and asking people out is different over there.

Scanlas The 2nd

DanDan6592 wrote: »

Look I'm sorry but I think this is bull****. If a bloke randomly went up to a girl in a coffee shop and basically asked her out chances are she'd just think he's a creep!:pac:

Maybe something like this would work in America but imo the whole thing around dating and asking people out is different over there.

I've asked girls out in Ireland on the street in the daytime with success. Never in a coffee shop but in other similar places like shopping centres.

Have you ever tried talking to a woman during the day in Ireland or America?

A friend of mine successfully asked out a girl in a sauna full of people, I was in there with him when he asked her out. The three of us walked out to the lockers and then they exchanged numbers and ended up in a relationship.

Be confident and you won't care whether a woman may or may not find you creepy. You have no way of knowing for sure how a woman will perceive you so don't bother, any attempt at trying to control her perception of you is giving away your power. Just be yourself and don't care. Like yourself so it doesn't matter if she doesn't.

karaokeman

DanDan6592 wrote: »

Look I'm sorry but I think this is bull****. If a bloke randomly went up to a girl in a coffee shop and basically asked her out chances are she'd just think he's a creep!:pac:

Maybe something like this would work in America but imo the whole thing around dating and asking people out is different over there.

I think the only reason she would think he's a creep is because neither of them know each other.

Ideally you should have had a conversation with a girl, and gotten to know something about who she is and what she likes before you ask her out, I would feel the same if I was approached by a randomer, its just weird when anyone does that.

Really doubt anything like that would happen in America, all that about a guy bumping into a girl on the street, and asking her to coffee, is romcom rubbish, if it upsets the viewers it won't sell, taking chances in Hollywood is a big risk.

Skerries

here's another surprising match up but then i'd say it goes to personality
David Mitchell married Victoria Coren

The Corinthian

Skerries wrote: »

here's another surprising match up but then i'd say it goes to personality
David Mitchell married Victoria Coren

Why is it surprising? You reckon the only reason Ms Coren got him is because of her personality?

Daveysil15

karaokeman wrote: »

Really doubt anything like that would happen in America, all that about a guy bumping into a girl on the street, and asking her to coffee, is romcom rubbish, if it upsets the viewers it won't sell, taking chances in Hollywood is a big risk.

I think it depends on what part you go to. I found the people in the south to be far more friendly and open compared to the people in New York or Boston. When I was in Florida a few years ago I actually got approached by random women on the street. One even asked for my number. It was bizarre. You can't beat the auld southern hospitality.

cantdecide

DanDan6592 wrote: »

Look I'm sorry but I think this is bull****. If a bloke randomly went up to a girl in a coffee shop and basically asked her out chances are she'd just think he's a creep!:pac:

IMO, this is a very narrow minded view. Really, what's the difference between a coffee shop and a pub? Would you really pass up the opportunity to ask out someone nice because it wasn't in the time and place that our, frankly atrociously backward dating scene deem acceptable? You'd swear I said asking someone out in mass!

Why don't you tell us your M.O. Points for originality.

karaokeman wrote: »

I think the only reason she would think he's a creep is because neither of them know each other....Ideally you should have had a conversation with a girl,

+1

Pawwed Rig

+1 on the previous post. Meeting a random person on the street and asking them out is no basis for a ralationship as all it is is the niteclub meat market over again (and it would just plain weird - on what basis are you interested in them?). Have a conversation on the other hand and when parting exchange numbers then that would be a pretty normal thing to do. Unfortunately we tend to rely on alcohol too much to strike up a proper conversation but it need not be so difficult. Pick a topic! Any topic and someone will have an opinion on it. Talk about something interesting rather than concentrating on trying to pick someone up. An interesting guy/girl beats a pretty guy/girl every time