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My daughter hates him

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  • 25-12-2012 10:27pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I have a 12yr old daughter, who I have raised alone from day one. I have never found the time to meet someone, so have been single for ten years also. I met a guy almost two years ago, and didn't introduce him to my daughter for almost a year. In that year, we fell in love and decided we wanted to get married. I love him dearly and he is a great guy.

    However, he met my daughter almost a year ago, and they don't get on. At all.

    My daughter hates him. He takes no interest in her. She is moving away from me more and more as she plays with friends etc. He has kids himself, wouldn't be the best dad in the world (having fought with his ex in court for years to get custody) and I think he has actually switched himself off to having a relationship with my daughter.

    She has been my life for twelve years. And yet, as a woman of 39, I am caught between trying to make a life with a man I love, and trying to make a life with a man who doesn't particularly get on with my daughter.

    I have friends, who met new men who 'love' their kids...who have built relationships with their kids. I have never wanted a 'daddy' for my daughter, because I have done all of the raising myself. And yet, I want a man in my life who is a good role model for her. And also a man who treats me well when she eventually flies the nest (which he does).

    What should I do...I would really,really appreciate your comments, thanks.


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    #2
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    unregistered wrote: »
    I have a 12yr old daughter, who I have raised alone from day one. I have never found the time to meet someone, so have been single for ten years also. I met a guy almost two years ago, and didn't introduce him to my daughter for almost a year. In that year, we fell in love and decided we wanted to get married. I love him dearly and he is a great guy.

    However, he met my daughter almost a year ago, and they don't get on. At all.

    My daughter hates him. He takes no interest in her. She is moving away from me more and more as she plays with friends etc. He has kids himself, wouldn't be the best dad in the world (having fought with his ex in court for years to get custody) and I think he has actually switched himself off to having a relationship with my daughter.

    She has been my life for twelve years. And yet, as a woman of 39, I am caught between trying to make a life with a man I love, and trying to make a life with a man who doesn't particularly get on with my daughter.

    I have friends, who met new men who 'love' their kids...who have built relationships with their kids. I have never wanted a 'daddy' for my daughter, because I have done all of the raising myself. And yet, I want a man in my life who is a good role model for her. And also a man who treats me well when she eventually flies the nest (which he does).

    What should I do...I would really,really appreciate your comments, thanks.

    I wont try and tell you what you should do but I'm not surprised your daughter feels the way she does based on how he treats her.

    Have you asked him why he has never tried to build a relationship with the daughter of the woman he wants to marry?
    The two of them are going to be under the same roof for at least another 6 years. If he's making you part of his life, he needs to take on the full package. If he's not willing to do that it should be a concern for you.

    Equally have you asked your daughter why she feels as she does?
    The answers both of them give you might let you see what you need to do.
    She can't dictate your life but she is your daughter and you need to look after her.

    For the record. I'm a dad of 1.


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    #3
    implausible
    Registered Users Posts: 3,937 ✭✭✭implausible


    unregistered wrote: »
    I love him dearly and he is a great guy.
    My daughter hates him. He takes no interest in her. She is moving away from me more and more as she plays with friends etc. He has kids himself, wouldn't be the best dad in the world (having fought with his ex in court for years to get custody) and I think he has actually switched himself off to having a relationship with my daughter.
    I want a man in my life who is a good role model for her. And also a man who treats me well when she eventually flies the nest (which he does).

    I'm sorry OP, but serious alarm bells ringing here. The reality is that you have a daughter and she is part of the package. How could he not make an effort with her? You say yourself that he has a bad track record. He doesn't sound like the role model you require if he's not mature enough to attempt to form a relationship with your daughter, even if it's only for your sake.


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    #4
    binxeo
    Registered Users Posts: 243 ✭✭binxeo


    Have you talked to your daughter about the whole thing. I think if you haven't you probably should.


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    #5
    roadtohell
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭roadtohell


    I would have to agree with the others on this one. I am a dad of two girls and they are my world. I started seeing someone some time back and she had no interest or respect for my two girls.

    I can tell you she got kicked to the kerb. I am lucky that I am seeing someone who loves my two kids and has made them part of her life now aswell. She does everthing with them and they all respect each other. They know she is not there mother but they treat her with respect and kindness and I think that is the way it should be.

    I don't think it is right for a man who says he loves you not to care for your little girl....

    Personally I would sit down and have a long hard think about it.

    Best of luck.. I have being down that road !!!!!


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    #6
    amber69
    Registered Users Posts: 967 ✭✭✭amber69


    He is the adult. If he's not making the effort now! I'm not an expert but your child is the most important thing.


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    #7
    moneyteam84
    Site Banned Posts: 10 ✭moneyteam84


    i hope i never get in a situation like this


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    #8
    Sinead Mc1
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Sinead Mc1


    My heart goes out to you but at the end of the day he is the adult. I am a stepmother and cannot imagine not wanting to know my step child. As you said, it was you and her for such a long time. From your daughters point of view she is now watching you share this time with someone who has no interest in her. That must be extremely hard for her. I would think long and hard about your future with this man. I would lay it all out to him, just as you have here. You should be able to tell a lot from his response.


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    #9
    christophicus
    Registered Users Posts: 3,969 ✭✭✭christophicus


    I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and presume that the man did initially try to get along with the child.

    I suppose that it's worth pointing out that as kids are prepping to leave primary school/enter secondary school, they will naturally become more independent and rely on their parents less. The child may well resent the "stranger" coming in and telling them what to do, feeling that they have no real claim to do so. Depending on how respectful the child is in doing so, this may be fine. Don't completely turn away from the child, but understand that they're trying to figure a lot out for themselves, so authority figures are going to have a hard time of it regardless of whether they're new or have been there since the child was born.

    With that said. The man is the adult in the situation. He can't afford to give up no matter how stubborn the child is. If he has, then he is not fit to be any kind of role model for the child.


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    #10
    roadtohell
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭roadtohell


    I am with you on that one Sinead. How he can not form some sort of bond with her little girl is beyond me. After all she is only a child and part of her mother life and if he loves her mother as much as he says he does he could at least try.


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    #11
    Sinead Mc1
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Sinead Mc1


    My step child is also in a similar situation with her stepdad (on the other side). She is in her teens now and the rows can get quite heated (name calling, shouting etc - on both sides!). It all deteriorated in her early teens and they seem to have got along before that. What I'm saying is, if your boyfriend and daughter don't have a successful history built up, before this difficult time arrives, things have the potential to get even more difficult.


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    #12
    beaner88
    Site Banned Posts: 154 ✭✭beaner88


    It's not his child so why should he be interested? It comes with the territory when you are looking at new partners and previous children are involved.

    A lot of people don't get on with their inlaws. They come with the package.


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    #13
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op here.

    Thanks for the reply everyone. I do appreciate them.

    I have spoken to both of them about this. My daughter doesn't like him because he takes no interest in her - he seems to find it hard to communicate with kids in general (his own included), and seems to just slag them more than anything.

    He swears he doesn't dislike her and thinks it's all in my head.

    They don't fight, there are few arguments between us, except for this one.

    They don't even say hello to each other when they walk into a room.

    Like I said, it's not that they argue at all - they just have no interest in forming any kind of relationship.


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    #14
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op again.

    I split up with him today. I have struggled massively over the past 12yrs, working full time and buying my own home and raising this girl. She has turned out to be a lovely child, seems well rounded, has many friends and interests.

    I don't want that hard work undone, although I know she will hit the teenage years with a bang - but I don't want her having low self-esteem because of him, despite the fact I have tried to instil confidence in her.

    He didn't take it well, but I know deep down, I've done the right thing. And I coped alone for a long time, so no doubt I'll cope again.


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    #15
    Sinead Mc1
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Sinead Mc1


    unregistered wrote: »
    Op again.

    I split up with him today. I have struggled massively over the past 12yrs, working full time and buying my own home and raising this girl. She has turned out to be a lovely child, seems well rounded, has many friends and interests.

    I don't want that hard work undone, although I know she will hit the teenage years with a bang - but I don't want her having low self-esteem because of him, despite the fact I have tried to instil confidence in her.

    He didn't take it well, but I know deep down, I've done the right thing. And I coped alone for a long time, so no doubt I'll cope again.

    Hi op.
    It's sad that it came to this and no one can really tell you if you did the right thing. You've said yourself that you feel you have though so that speaks volumes. You do deserve happiness of your own though and I wouldn't be put off meeting someone new. In this day and age there are so many people with children from previous relationships and there are plenty of men out there who would be happy to get to know both you and your daughter. I wish you the very best with everything.


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    #16
    roadtohell
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭roadtohell


    beaner88....

    She is a 12 year old girl. Do you not think he should make some bit of an effort. In laws are mature people.

    Kids need to be loved and cared for so I think your kind of off the mark with that comment.

    OP.

    Well done. It can not have being an easy thing to do, however as you said you have got this far on your own and you fill find someone who will care about your little girl and you.

    Not all men are bastards :). Some women are too... my ex wife being one of them.:D:D


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    #17
    ezra_pound
    Registered Users Posts: 2,497 ✭✭✭ezra_pound


    beaner88 wrote: »
    It's not his child so why should he be interested? It comes with the territory when you are looking at new partners and previous children are involved.

    A lot of people don't get on with their inlaws. They come with the package.

    Please tell me you don't have any kids!


    Well done op sounds like you've dinner the best thing for your daughter. Hope you found another man someone who willg fit in and make an effort.


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Thanks. I really have no interest in getting involved with another man. I know they aren't all the same and won't be put off forever. I'm off work until she's back to school, so it will give me a bit of time to deal with this. I didn't sleep too well, but have a slight sense of relief this morning, so that says it all I guess.


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    #19
    Lisha
    Registered Users Posts: 8,693 ✭✭✭Lisha


    Im sorry your relationship is over. all i can say is Best of luck OP and a very Happy New Year to you and your daughter

    She is a lucky girl to have you


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    #20
    dzer2
    Registered Users Posts: 2,947 ✭✭✭dzer2


    Just my twopence worth. You have given 12 years to your girl and fair play to you. She is at the age when she will be moving on to friends and that anyway. Although this relationship between your daughter and new fiancee might not be ideal I would be so quick to dump him. He has explained the problems he has faced and not all men are great fathers. If you are really happy with him set the date and get married you have your own life to live and in 6 years you daughter will be gone to college or work or even worse left the country.


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    #21
    beaner88
    Site Banned Posts: 154 ✭✭beaner88


    ezra_pound wrote: »
    Please tell me you don't have any kids!


    Well done op sounds like you've dinner the best thing for your daughter. Hope you found another man someone who willg fit in and make an effort.

    I've one on the way. I'm not particuarly fond of my partners relations. They are obviously important to her but I keep away. I'm with her not her family. I'd feel the same if their were other children involved although personally I would not be with someone who already has children.


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    #22
    roadtohell
    Registered Users Posts: 5 ✭roadtohell


    I hope you will look at kids in a different light when you have your own beaner. If not all I can say is god love that child...

    Op.

    There is nothing worse that having to break up with someone. I first started seeing my ex wife when we were both 17 and we grew up together. It turned my world upside down when I came home from work very early one night to find both my kids at her mothers and my best friend and her having at it in the sitting room.

    They say time is a great healer and it is. The only down side to all this is she managed to get my house and I only get to see my kids at the weekends. The upside is I have two wonderful girls and they are my world now and as I already said I am seeing someone who loves them like they are her own and they all get one very well.

    So kept the chin up and move forward. Its not easy but you will meet some one who will love you and your girl. You have done very well too get this far in life on your own.

    I know some people say that in a few years she will be out working and having her own life but she will always be your little girl no matter how old she is and there will be some one out there for you too. She will never forget what you have done for her.

    And the fact that you got up this morning feeling a bit better speaks for itself. New year new beginning OP


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    #23
    Calhoun
    Registered Users Posts: 7,447 ✭✭✭Calhoun


    unregistered wrote: »
    Op again.

    I split up with him today. I have struggled massively over the past 12yrs, working full time and buying my own home and raising this girl. She has turned out to be a lovely child, seems well rounded, has many friends and interests.

    I don't want that hard work undone, although I know she will hit the teenage years with a bang - but I don't want her having low self-esteem because of him, despite the fact I have tried to instil confidence in her.

    He didn't take it well, but I know deep down, I've done the right thing. And I coped alone for a long time, so no doubt I'll cope again.

    Hopefully it will all work out for you OP, its a very hard position to be in but i do hope you have thought it through before making this split.

    Children at this age can be difficult with any change especially a new partner i would hope that it will not be a case that you will be alone in the future, if i was a kid looking back the one thing that would kill me is if my parents were unhappy to keep me happy.


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    #24
    Daisy M
    Registered Users Posts: 1,559 ✭✭✭Daisy M


    I have seen 3 children go through this where their mother got together with a man who had zero interest in them. The effects of his attitude on these children was terrible, it was also terrible for them to know that their mother didnt care and effectively put her new man first.
    Imagine been a child and living in a house with someone who had no interest in you and would try to exclude you so he could spend time with your mother without your presence, its no wonder the 3 children I knew had huge self esteem problems.
    Op you made the right choice, best of luck to you.


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    #25
    hoodwinked
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,175 ✭✭✭hoodwinked


    unregistered wrote: »
    Op again.

    I split up with him today. I have struggled massively over the past 12yrs, working full time and buying my own home and raising this girl. She has turned out to be a lovely child, seems well rounded, has many friends and interests.

    I don't want that hard work undone, although I know she will hit the teenage years with a bang - but I don't want her having low self-esteem because of him, despite the fact I have tried to instil confidence in her.

    He didn't take it well, but I know deep down, I've done the right thing. And I coped alone for a long time, so no doubt I'll cope again.


    op i know these are words on the internet and its you who has to wake up to this everyday but take comfort from the fact you have done the right thing, your child will always (and should always) come first, i know its hard for other people to deal with especially if they have no children of their own that they have bonded with, to understand how a child is your heart no other relationship even comes close.

    you will find a better man, a man who loves you and your child and loves her as much as you do, don't feel because this didn't work out no relationship will, this man was just the wrong one, don't give up and remember your daughters at a stage where she will be transitioning, hanging out with her friends more,you may feel a bit lonely but who's to say in a year or two you won't meet the man of your dreams and she'll be just fine with it,

    after all its never too late to meet (or marry) someone, waiting a year or two might make the world of difference to you both.

    as i say they are only words, but if they help just a little i had to try. Keep hope, and i hope the new year brings you the happiness you deserve.


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