How do I say goodbye to the person i love most in the world

LegacyUser

Currently home for Christmas from Australia, where I have lived the last 4 years. While i fully understand that it the best place for me to be and my prospects at home are bleak, i'm due to return on friday and i'm in an awful state thinking about it.
This is the 2nd time i have been home since i left and the last time, i cried every day for about a week before i had to go back i felt so unsettled and miserable and saying goodbye again.

This time is worse. My beautiful, strong, brave nanny has been sick since august, and on the day i got home had a tumour removed from her bowel - which resulted in her having to have her bowel, spleen and part of her pancreas removed. I agonised over moving my flights forward to come home the first week of dec, or to stay on later to have more time with her as with work and financial commitments - i really cannot say if i will be able to come home again in 2013. Each time i have left, i have said goodbye as if it was the last time (she is almost 90) and it has killed me - but this time i fear it really is it, she is just so unwell.

I had a few minutes alone with her tonight (she is in intensive care so visits are short) and she asked if i was sad about going back to australia on friday. I started to quietly cry as to not upset her, and she pulled me close to her, and said to me "you know i love you very much, don't you" - the pain was almost too much to bear. I just nodded, and everything i felt in my heart i wanted to tell her, I just couldn't get the words out.

I wanted to tell her that i love her so much, she has been the most important person in my life and i love her more than anything or anyone. I wanted to tell her that she has shaped the person that i am, and everything i hope to be in the future, that I am proud of everything she has done in her life. I wanted to tell her that I'll never forget her as long as I live, and that she was the best, kindest, loving nanny i could have ever hoped for, that i wished she could have seen me get married and have children like she has seen most of her other grandchildren do and that if and when these things do happen for me, i will feel so incomplete without her there. I wanted to tell her how torn up i am that i have missed the last 4 years with her, and that i have to leave again on friday. I feel that if i don't say these things to her now when i have the chance, that if anything happens - i will regret it for ever more - I just don't know how to do it without absolutely breaking into pieces beside her in the hospital bed. I am sobbing my heart and soul out here just typing this.

Longford Lass

Reading this has filled me with sadness for you and what you're going through.
My suggestion to you would be to write a letter to your dear nan, outlining exactly what she has meant to you in your life.
You say she's in intensive care and may not be able to read it but perhaps a close family relation might be good enough to read it to her?
You MUST tell her...let it be in aural or letter form, exactly how you feel as this is something that will eat you up forever if you dont.
All thats left for me to do is wish you luck with whatever decision you make and to wish you Health & Happiness for the New Year xx

NUTLEY BOY

Deeply sorry for you in this dilemma. Been through something similar. Death has a cold brutal and crushing finality when it arrives even if expected. Time is against you. Tell your Nan what you need to say and do it now. You do not need to compose a speech - just have normal conversation and be sensitive to the opportune moments to convey your feelings as that will avoid what I call "communicational clunkieness". Remember that this also as much about your Nans feelings too. A good way to get things flowing is to chat about comon shared memories and see where that takes you.
A final thought. Imagine that you are 5 years in to the future. Think about what you might regret NOT having said to your Nan and be sure to say it now. I wish you and your Nan well.

NIMAN

I'll tell you one thing that is nearly guaranteed, when 99.99% of people lose a loved one, they always have the "I wish I had told them x,y,z" feeling.
I had it myself with my father.

As much as I would have wanted to say certain things, in my case it isn't so strong that it is hurting me or anything. But I am similar to others who wish they had said how much they loved someone before they were gone.

So don't live to regret it, get it out.

Mental Mickey

When my Mother was home for the last time before she died, I was sitting with her, with a load of stuff going around in my head - should I say this, this or this etc??

She went back into the hospice the the next day, and on the Tuesday I got a call that I had to get there cos they were going to sedate her. When I arrived, she was sedated but she could still hear everything, so I had a few minutes alone with her and said a few things to her.

I have no idea if she was taking any notice of what I was saying, but I'm glad I got them out. She was the kind of mother that didn't need to be all "lovey dovey" and "soppy". You just knew she loved you.


I have a photograph of her at my work station, and I look at it every morning when I come in. I've also kept her watch that she was wearing when she died.

To get back to your original question, you'll just say whatever feels right to you at that moment.

Best of luck.

fangee

Longford Lass wrote: »

Reading this has filled me with sadness for you and what you're going through.
My suggestion to you would be to write a letter to your dear nan, outlining exactly what she has meant to you in your life.
You say she's in intensive care and may not be able to read it but perhaps a close family relation might be good enough to read it to her?
You MUST tell her...let it be in aural or letter form, exactly how you feel as this is something that will eat you up forever if you dont.
All thats left for me to do is wish you luck with whatever decision you make and to wish you Health & Happiness for the New Year xx

I agree completely.

Write it all down and sit on it for a day or two in case there is more you think of.

Then take it to a nice quiet (personal) place, read it and then burn it.

I had this suggested to me by a therapist many years ago and it was very therapeutic.