Am I mad??

dc2222

Im new to this but I really need advice. I am 23 years old and finished a degree but just about to start a new college course for 2 years to become a qualified teacher. I have always wanted to be a mum but lately in the last few weeks It's all I can think about.I can't shake the feeling that something is missing, like I'm missing a baby I know it probably sounds weird but I cannot get rid of the feeling. It's all I can think about everywhere I see babies. My cousin just had a baby and I cannot put her down I feel so upset and angry like I am missing my baby. I am with my partner 6 years and he says he is ready and I know I am without a doubt. Am i mad in thinking of having a baby now? I know the timing isn't perfect with college but I'm sure plenty of people have done it???

ArtyC

Timing will never be perfect. If both are ye are really ready then best if luck. But it your posting up doubts here then maybe give yourselves 6 months- a year to be prepared. X

LegacyUser

dc2222 wrote: »

Im new to this but I really need advice. I am 23 years old and finished a degree but just about to start a new college course for 2 years to become a qualified teacher. I have always wanted to be a mum but lately in the last few weeks It's all I can think about.I can't shake the feeling that something is missing, like I'm missing a baby I know it probably sounds weird but I cannot get rid of the feeling. It's all I can think about everywhere I see babies. My cousin just had a baby and I cannot put her down I feel so upset and angry like I am missing my baby. I am with my partner 6 years and he says he is ready and I know I am without a doubt. Am i mad in thinking of having a baby now? I know the timing isn't perfect with college but I'm sure plenty of people have done it???

I think you should take a lot more time to consider it. You said it's only in the "last few weeks " that you have felt this way, so definitely consider it for some more time before making any rash decisions.

Aside from your cousin having a baby, has anything else happened recently that may have triggered these very strong feelings?

You do NOT have to answer any of the following but could ask yourself if something similar could be influencing how you feel.

1. My best friend had an abortion in her teens. When she got a little older and another friend only 20 had a baby, my friend got that mad longing to have a baby too that you are explaining. She had never regretted her earlier decision, but seeing another quite young friend of ours having a baby made her start to think that maybe she had missed out on something that she was meant to have done, and she felt like the decision she had made in the past now meant that something was 'missing' from her life that should be there. She did however think very carefully about this and in 2 or 3 months these feelings passed and she continued on with her course and life as normal/happy without those feelings.

2. Have you been feeling lonely or like you don't have many true friends?

Have you fallen out big style with any family members, or have you never really been that close to begin with?

Have your feelings being drifting towards your boyfriend or vice versa? Or have things gotten a bit boring or stale in the relationship?

I'm asking these questions because sometimes when people feel uncared for by friends or family, or unneeded they become very lonely and feel like a baby will fill that gap, because a baby will always love them unconditionally, and will NEED them. Some people also think that a baby will make a relationship with their partner stronger and bring them together. I don't think a baby should ever be used to just fill a gap in somebodies life. It shouldn't come into the world already having being assigned a 'job' to do, ie "make me happy" or " fix my relationship"

Again not saying that this is you or everybody, just SOME people.

3. Have you or somebody you know had some experience recently that has made you think that because life is short, that important things need to be done right now?


4. Has anybody you love died? I am 25 with my boyfriend since turning 17 and do not want kids. I think I have even written on boards a few times in threads about not wanting kids. I have mellowed a little in that I accept that I may change my mind when I am about 30 but at the minute it does not seem likely. (my boyfriend does not mind either way, he is 32 and supports whatever decision I make, he doesn't feel strongly against or for kids, he still loves and wants to be with me either way is what he said, and we've discussed this several times over the years)

My mum died a year ago and my dad when I was younger. After about 2 months after mum, I started feeling things I had never felt before in my life! I started getting these twinges of yearning of having a baby!
They would be fleeting thoughts that I always dismissed completely and deliberately pushed out of my mind, but at times they got a bit stronger. There were 2 or 3 nights where I was sitting alone bawling about mum, and imagining a scenario in my head that if I had a little baby girl I would name her after my mum, and that she would have a feisty personality like my mum and I would love her so much.
I was just so desperate to have some form of her back in my life and felt like a baby of mine would be like some form of her living on (a daughter with her personality).

Thankfully I had read before about how certain feelings can make people yearn for a baby to fill a gap, so I recognised what these feelings were. It didn't stop me from having them, but I acknowledged that they were just my brains way of trying to cope. So I treated them like fleeting fantasies that I completely acknowledged were bat **** crazy and continued taking my pill every single day religiously.
I knew that that these feelings would pass in time and that I shouldn't be thinking of babies just to replace my mum.

These fleeting feelings did of course pass, which I feel is for the best. As I said I know that I don't really want a baby, and I am only in second year college so this is the life I want.

I've never told anybody about those feelings I had, because it makes me sound like a crazy person.:o

But that is why I am asking if you lost anybody, because grief can make you feel some weird ****.

I'd like to again say that you of course don't have to answer if anything similar to the above situations could apply to you, you should just try to really analyse where these sudden strong yearnings have come from.
For example do you really want to do those extra 2 years? Is it a course you are really happy in? Would you feel that you would leave that course if you were pregnant or would you carry on in it?

If however there is no reason other than plain maternal yearnings then I don't think there is much wrong with having a baby if it's something you and your boyfriend want. Ideally I think you should finish your course and maybe kickstart your career first, but there are people who have managed to do all that even with having a baby. It would be very hard of course, and I think someone who has been in your situation before, or someone who has kids might be able to advise you better.

Definitely think much longer and harder about it though, and good luck with your decision.:)

kjl

OK calm down, you are only 23. You will have loads of time to have a baby but right now you should focus on your studies because this is pretty much a one shot deal. If you get pregnant now you will always wonder what could have been. Give it a few years even as little as two if you want but don't rush into this kind of responsibility.

What you are experiencing is a chemical called oxytocin in your head which makes you fall in love with the children you encounter. We all get it even me and I am a guy.

As much as you love your cousin's baby, you probably are not too familiar with how little sleep she is getting and how much hard work it is to raise that baby. You life pretty much gets eaten up and you get little to no free time at all. It can be very draining looking after a child, when they are born they are simple. give it 6 months when they start crawling and you will be begging for sleep at night.

You asked the question am I mad, yes you are. You only get one shot at life, have a bit of fun and learn something before you take on that responsibility.

Mansized Wreath

Becoming a parent whilst doing the whole college thing is tough,trust me! At 23 you have your entire life ahead of you,finish school,travel!

CaraMay

The timing is very bad of you want to achieve your career goal. How do you propose to finish your h dip if you have a child?

Daisy M

I had my first child at 24 and never regretted it but trust me life will be easier in the long run if you complete your education first. It is only 2 years you will still be young and you can spend these years paving the way for your childrens future.

up for anything

It sounds to me like you're nervous for some reason to make the two year commitment to gain your teaching qualification and are subconsciously using the baby yearning to give you a good reason to give it miss. It's worth remembering that a lot of mothers envy teaching mothers because of their long holidays together with their children. This is something worth working towards even if it means having to put off a baby for a couple of years.

skyfall2012

Babies and children are great! I recommend them, but you need to be absolutely ready. You have been in school and college all your life. You deserve to start to experience the fun things in life like travel.

If travel is not for you, you must understand that having children changes your life, it is like crossing over into another dimension (a good one), but if you are not ready and have not achieved all the things you want to achieve in life, you could become bitter.

Leaving the baby with a sitter while you study or work can be really hard to do, teaching is IMO the best job for Moms.

But when you read all the advise at the end of the day you know best, what is best for you. Good luck with your decision:)

maryk123

I would finish college which in itself is a great start because you will have all kids holidays big plus in my book now that I have kids and they get so many holidays. You are still quite young and believe me it is not easy having kids. Yes it's lovely and I love them with all my heart but Jesus they are hard work. Extremely hard work. So finish what you need to finish and then you will be ready. You don't sound ready to be honest

cathy01

Finish college .if the longing gets to you I have a 14 month old thats teething .covered in snots . You can share your time with the. 16 year old who has too much time to talk no time to clean and way tooooooo many friends or the ten year old computer junky who expects life to be like a computer click and you get a response.go to college , finish it , then relax and have your kids knowing you have the skills in your back pocket should you ever be lucky enough to escape . Xxc

Lorna123

This is all a romantic idea for you - having a baby and while babies are cute it is not that cute to have to get up at all hours of the night to feed them, change them and listen to them crying non stop etc. You have been influenced by holding someone else's baby and everything looks rosy from where you are looking at it, but you can give that baby back after an hour or two and that makes a big difference.

You are only 23 and not finished your education. Feelings can change a lot between 23 and 29. Give yourself a chance to live a bit before being tied down with a baby. You might think you are ready but if you are not finished your education then you are not ready. This is just the motherly instinct, which is very strong in some women, kicking in. Give it another few months and you will have calmed down and be thankful you didn't go ahead.

Maura74

Lorna123 wrote: »

This is all a romantic idea for you - having a baby and while babies are cute it is not that cute to have to get up at all hours of the night to feed them, change them and listen to them crying non stop etc. You have been influenced by holding someone else's baby and everything looks rosy from where you are looking at it, but you can give that baby back after an hour or two and that makes a big difference.

You are only 23 and not finished your education. Feelings can change a lot between 23 and 29. Give yourself a chance to live a bit before being tied down with a baby. You might think you are ready but if you are not finished your education then you are not ready. This is just the motherly instinct, which is very strong in some women, kicking in. Give it another few months and you will have calmed down and be thankful you didn't go ahead.

You can get one of these dolls that acts like a baby and you will find that actually looking after a baby full time can be very stressful if you are not financially secure and mentally ready to give up your life to devote all your time and attention to be with your baby until s/he reaches 18 years of age.

http://www.ehow.com/way_5368804_places-baby-think-over-dolls.html

ash23

OP, I had a baby at 20. I'm now 30 and she is nearly 10. At the time I was planning on going back to college (I was on a year out at the time) and I never did.
Between work and a small child, I hadn't the time or inclination to do anything in the evening but collapse in a heap. Things got even harder when I became single again when she was 5. On top of parenting alone I was totally financially reponsible too. And because I had no qualifications, my job wasn't very well paid.

As she got older things got a bit easier but It still took me almost 4 years to complete a diploma that I should have had done in 2.

Parenting is rewarding but it's also demanding. Unless you have amazing support from your family then there is very little chance of you actually completing your course. How exactly will you afford the 800+ euro a month for childcare while you do your course?
Also, I haven't even mentioned the actual pregnancy. You could be lucky and sail through. Or you could end up with your head in a toilet bowl for 9 months between spells in hospital.

Seriously, you're still really young and have loads of time. Do your course and get set up in your career. You're talking maybe waiting 3-5 years max, at which stage you will still only be in your 20s.

skyfall2012

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s5RItd8IBc

dc2222

thanks everyone for the help and advice. it's not just sudden it's all I've wanted to do all my life be a mother. it's just lately these feelings are getting stronger. I have no romantic ideas I don't just think they''re cute I just feel like I've so much to give and I know I should wait until after I'm qualified as I've always wanted to be a teacher I don't know I'm all over the place nothing happened to make me feel this way Ideally, should wait until I have my career I just feel so ready

LegacyUser

dc2222 wrote: »

thanks everyone for the help and advice. it's not just sudden it's all I've wanted to do all my life be a mother. it's just lately these feelings are getting stronger. I have no romantic ideas I don't just think they''re cute I just feel like I've so much to give and I know I should wait until after I'm qualified as I've always wanted to be a teacher I don't know I'm all over the place nothing happened to make me feel this way Ideally, should wait until I have my career I just feel so ready

Hello again, First of let me say I'm glad that it is nothing negative that has brought these feelings on for you. :-)

Secondly I'm just wondering about a few other things. You said that you have always wanted to be a mum, and that you have always wanted to be a teacher too, so presumably you have always wanted to be a working mum holding down a career as a teacher whilst also having a kid?

Do you feel that you will still be able to achieve this dream if you have a child before getting your teaching qualification?
Do you have any sort of a plan of how exactly you would work it?.

Like let's say you decided to try for a baby, would you intend on leaving college and being a stay at home parent?
If so do you plan on being a stay a home parent until the child is older and maybe in school, and then going back to get your teaching qualification in 4 or 5 years?
Can you afford to stay at home with child and is your boyfriend financially capable of supporting the family alone if this is the plan and would he be happy about being the only income earner?

Or do you intend on taking a shorter time of with child and then going straight onto the job market with the degree you already hold?
If this is the case, could you come to terms with the fact that you had sacrificed your dream job of teaching? Could you and your boyfriend jointly afford the childcare that would be needed if this happens, or is it possible that your boyfriend would be a stay at home parent? Would you be comfortable being the sole income earner if this is the case?

Or thirdly, if you got pregnant do you intend on staying in college regardless? I'm sure you are already aware that this would be very tough trying to study for a degree with a newborn baby to care for too. It can be done if you have a lot of support, I have a friend who completed an accountancy degree after getting pregnant in second year, but bear in mind her parents and the other set of grandparents minded her baby for free everyday she was in college and gave her time to study too!
Do you have family members who would do similar, and would you be comfortable or feel it was fair on them to do that for free or very cheaply?
If not, do you and your boyfriend have some way of affording childcare if you stayed in college? Do you feel you could manage all the classes, assignments and study of college with a newborn in tow too?

If god forbid , for some reason your boyfriend wasn't around anymore, would you prefer to have your teaching qualification to fall back on to support yourself, or would you be happy enough with the degree you currently have when looking for a job?

And for a second let's forget about what you feel YOU want right now.
What do you feel would be the best decision for your future child?
Do you feel it would be the best for a baby to be born into your life as it is right now, or do you feel it would be better for a baby to be born into your life when you have your teaching qualification and your career started or a job got from your other degree?

[Bear in mind there's no right or wrong answer here, some people want to be stay at home parents, and some want to work. Both are equally as good parents as long as their circumstances are suited to their decision, I had periods of both situations with my parents when I was growing up.]

I'm just asking because from what you said earlier it sounds like you always wanted to be a mum who also had a teaching career, so would you be happy being a mum first and a teacher later or maybe never becoming a teacher depending on what you chose to pursue?

I of course don't expect you to have an exact plan of how you would work managing the baby and your future education and career. (As mentioned by another poster, plans can be changed completely when the baby is actually in the picture and the reality could be much more difficult than envisioned)
But I do think you should be asking yourself these questions about each possible scenario so that you at least have a rough idea of how it could work.
You should weigh up all the pros and cons of all the possible scenarios of how you would continue forth with a baby in your life, and then make a personal decision about whether it is best to do it now or wait some more time.

There are so many unplanned pregnancies and yes the majority seem to work out fine, the parents just make it work and things can be extremely tough but the baby grows up perfectly happy and successful.
I find though from talking to friends who had children quite young, that although they would never for the world change having their baby, and love them entirely, they say if they had the CHOICE they would have preferred to either gotten degrees, travelled a bit, or just enjoyed their youth and freedom a bit more first and then had their babies that they love today.

You have that choice.
You are not in the position of being pregnant unexpectedly so you have the chance to think really carefully about whether or not it is the best option for you.
I think a few people will probably think I am being annoyingly excessive in all the questions and planning I'm encouraging you to do, especially considering I don't have kids of my own. It's just I personally feel that if you are actually choosing to have a baby that it will be the biggest decision a person could make in their lives, so I think it warrants a lot of questioning and planning. The few people I know who had unplanned pregnancies agree and always say they wish they had being more prepared and a bit older. (although they of course adore their child, just in an ideal situation they would have preferred for things to happen in a different order)

If after looking at all the scenarios and weighing up the pros and cons, you feel that the pros outweigh the cons by having a baby right now, and you feel that you can make it work in a way that will be the best option for the baby, yourself and your boyfriend and one that will make you all happy, then I wish you every success in your new adventure! You do sound like you would be a very loving mum and I think your baby would be cherished. :-)

I would still urge you to take more time to think about it though, because as you said yourself at the minute your "head is all over the place", and in your first post you said you were crying a lot and feeling very angry etc.
You are in a very emotional state right now, and I never think it is wise to make ANY type of decision when in a very emotional state. Give it a few more months and when you are thinking clearer and feel calmer, make your decision then.

Good luck again. :-)

Lorna123

I was like you OP, always loved babies, but it is so easy to feel like this when you haven't got one !!!!

CaraMay

Op I thought I was ready and on paper I was but nothing (and I don't mean this in a smug mammy kind of way) prepares you for the sacrifice and hard work. It's hard if baby runs like clockwork but almost impossible if baby is sick at all or has colic, reflux etc

You have the man, your studies are on track so run with that. You also need to bear in mind how scarce teaching, especially permanent teaching jobs are so do you want to be having a baby in the early years of your first job as well and not bring able to work. It's unlikely to walk into a permanent job straight away but are a school going to keep on a temp teacher who is going off on maternity leave? You need to think strategically.

Are you financially independent? Can you afford a baby? This is another strain to add to the scenario.

dc2222

skyfall2012 wrote: »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-s5RItd8IBc

hahaha that seems to sum it up well ha

dc2222

Think Longer: I would have so much support in my family I know I have a big family and I know If It happened I would be able to do my course with the help from my family but I think your right to have myself settled and my career on track. Its only two years, i think I can wait but easier said than done. These longings don't just disappear and they are hard to ignore.

Thanks everyone for the advice.