Wednesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

ONLY A GRANDMOTHER WOULD KNOW...~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a gramma would know),



'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"


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A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured.

A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back.

So she throws a tampon in his face and says, "There you go you miserable ****, I'll pay you back monthly."

And the moral of this story is...even if a woman eventually pays back everything she owes to a man, there will always be a string attached!


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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says,

"Where's the god damn, mother fookin Manager you cock sucking arse wipe."

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies,

"Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks,

"Are you the chicken fookin manager of this bastard joint?".

"Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"Fook off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the fookin piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"Fookin deaf as well are we? You little piece of snivelling sh1t, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano.

"Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I fookin can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to fook your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.

The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a **** over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heart-breaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I fook you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on.

She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse.

She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin!

It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'.

He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.

The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".




"Know it," the pianist replies, "I fookin wrote it!"

patmac

Happy New Year Monkie Socks, great jokes!

MonkieSocks

patmac wrote: »

Happy New Year Monkie Socks, great jokes!

Thanks M8

And A Happy New Year To You Too Pat