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single parent

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  • 09-01-2013 11:23pm
    #1
    rainbows7
    Registered Users Posts: 92 ✭✭


    Hi,

    I'm not sure what I want from writing this, it's either a vent or a plea for help.... I just feel as a single parent it takes over my life...the dad is not around, my family are, but they have their own lives to live...I really hate asking for help....I do, but I'd ask so much more if I could but guilt gets the better of me........I was a person who loves to go out for exercise in the evenings but now I never do at night because I feel it's not fair asking family members over to babysit......they need to sit at mine because of school nights... lately it's just all getting to me......I envy wives who have the husbands at home minding while they go out......it's not just about exercise, I'm just craving the freedom to just go, be and not feel guilty.

    Maybe it's a parent thing too, not just a single parent issue that I'm making it out to be. I'm just fed up. Family have their own lives to live.... I just feel I'm missing out....on life!! And how having a child as a single parent is destroying me...:( I still get to exercise the odd time but I want so much more...crave so much more.....:(


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    #2
    mirekb
    Registered Users Posts: 193 ✭✭mirekb


    How old is your child? Are they in school/playschool?

    I know it's not much comfort but wanting other people's lives is the road to madness. I have married friends who are envious of the fact that I can bring up my child my way, with my rules and I don't have to compromise with anyone!


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    #3
    Daffodil.d
    Registered Users Posts: 353 ✭✭Daffodil.d


    mirekb wrote: »
    How old is your child? Are they in school/playschool?

    I know it's not much comfort but wanting other people's lives is the road to madness. I have married friends who are envious of the fact that I can bring up my child my way, with my rules and I don't have to compromise with anyone!

    I 2nd that. The grass always looks greener etc. Look at it this way I have a husband and for a while there for different reasons I couldn't get out in the evening for exercise. So while they were young I walked in the mornings and challenged myself to try not use the car so got all my groceries on foot. Lost weight and got into a better place in my own head. Now they are in school and I am working so I walk no my break. I also play sport a couple of evenings a week but so does my husband so we take turns. It is frustrating being stuck in every evening but if you've gotten out earlier in the day it doesn't feel so cabin feverish.


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    #4
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    OP, being a single parent can feel suffocating. And the evenings are definitely the worst because you're quite literally trapped in the house once bedtime comes.

    I've been a single parent a number of years now and things are a lot easier the older my child gets.
    My advice is to get a good reliable babysitter. Yes, it makes a night out more expensive but even if you can get out once a month isn't it better than nothing?
    Secondly, try to save family and friends for emergencies. If you work, then a sick day can mean having to take a day off. Which is fine once in a while but sometimes kids are sick for days or on and off a few times over a few weeks. So it's important to have the emergency people who will give you a dig out so you can keep your job!
    Thirdly, don't feel guilty about your friends having to come to you. Why should you? I find my friends like coming to my house because the child is in bed and they have somewhere to escape from their husbands and kids. I like to think of it as a refuge and I always have nice biscuits/cake/wine etc in so that I can make them a cuppa and have a natter. I win because I get company and they win because they get some time to themselves and to be handed a cuppa and a treat.

    If you're not working then try a mother/toddler group or to meet up with friends during the day.
    It takes more effort and money to keep a social life going when you're parenting alone but it's worth it to escape the loneliness and mundane routine of the evenings. If you don't make the effort you'll get buried in staying in alone.


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    #5
    mirekb
    Registered Users Posts: 193 ✭✭mirekb


    And remember you are not alone in your feelings - every single mum goes through the isolation and the loneliness. I remember when my son was a baby and every new thing he did I had no-one to marvel with, or discuss how to get through the crying nights, or tantrums.

    He's 7 now,and it's SO much easier but I still get those down days - the trick is to remind yourself its just a day and tomorrow is a new one.

    If you're on lone-parent benefit you may not be able to afford to go out? I know a few single mothers that aren't exactly friends (I never see them socially) but we swap babysitting for each other - sometimes at very short notice - it works really well as long as we take turns. We are all in the same boat and support each other.

    Do you work? If not then volunteer! It has saved my sanity and also given me the necessary experience to put on my C.V.


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    #6
    rainbows7
    Registered Users Posts: 92 ✭✭rainbows7


    Thanks for your comments.

    My son is 7. Yes old enough to be some way independant but he still soley relies on me for lots, which is understandable. I work part time. Finances don't really allow me to get babysitter, I ask family when to sit when I go out, maybe once a month. I'm just missing the freedom desperately to just go... knowing I can't.


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    #7
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You are doing great but maybe you should ask for help a bit more often? Once a month isn't a lot and I'm sure if they knew how you were feeling there would be no problem.


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    #8
    ash23
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,791 ✭✭✭ash23


    maryjoe wrote: »
    I'm just missing the freedom desperately to just go... knowing I can't.


    I think unfortunately this is just something you have to accept. At 7 he's old enough for you to bring him places. Yes, certain restrictions apply. But you can take him to the cinema, out to dinner, on nice days out (bowling, nature walk, museum etc).
    Doing things like that will make you feel less confined.
    Sure, you'll only be able to see the latest PG movie instead of one you might really want to see. But at least it's a nice break for the day.

    Myself and my daughter are together a LOT, almost all the time. I do get a break when my parents take her but to be honest, I've just had to adapt my life to be "child friendly". So a day out used to be lunch and drinks with the girls. Now it's lunch with the girls and my daughter and a walk down to feed the ducks.

    I used to go out every weekend, now it's once or twice a month and the other Saturday nights are nights in, ordering pizza and watching movies and making popcorn. Or maybe having friends over after my daughter goes to bed.


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