help! 6yr old reluctant to go to school....

LegacyUser

Hi everyone I would appreciate any advice anyone can give me please . My 6yr old is very reluctant to go to school . From time child wakes up in the morning to getting dressed , refusing breakfast and walking to school he is crying and telling me "I'm not going to school . " I don't like school , I want to stay with you ". I know he's refusing breakfast because he is so upset about school .

When we get to the school yard he won't let go of my hand to get into his line . I end up having to walk him in myself which I don't like to do as I feel he will depend on this .

When I collect him he is reluctant to talk about his day and also refuses to do his homework . Everything is a battle ! it's absolutely exhausting ! I've 3 older children and I've never had a bother with them .

He seemed to settle in OK in September but after a few weeks he started to complain about a boy in his class regularly .
I let it go thinking things will be OK and to not make a big issue of it with him , things will smooth out .
Then it got to the stage where he would cry getting up in the morning because this boy (John) (not real name) whom he was sitting beside "will be mean to me " .

I know they are at a young age but the child was even crying at weekends anytime school was mentioned and seems to be quite fearful of *John*.
So I asked to speak with the teacher and told him what's going on . I asked could my son please be moved as he is not happy .
Teacher said he would "keep and eye on the situation" but not move him .
I had to listen to my child crying for another 4 weeks about the things *John * was saying . (He was still sitting beside him ) . It got so bad that in the end and after speaking to teachers and principle various times ,I had to go to the school to demand that he be moved away from *John*.

Now he is away from *John* he seemed much happier for a few weeks . Things were good. The reluctance dissapeared . Child seemed a lot happier in himself .

So Christmas comes . Each day on xmas hols he is asking me how many days is left before he has to go back to school .
when I told him it was two days left to go back to school he starts crying and says I'm not going because John is going to hit me " .

I cried then , my child is supposed to be enjoying Christmas holidays and instead is fretting and fearful about school .
I tried to look it at from his point of view and pictured if it was me , If I was his age it must be an awful thing to go through everyday . He must think I don't care . But I'm only trying to do what's best for him . I'm taking him to school everyday hoping things will get better and will soon settle down but it 's 2 weeks back into school and we had the same episode this morning . I have even contemplated changing schools but I don't want to go that route unless I absolutely HAVE to .

I apologise for the long post or if it 's not making much sense but I've started typing and it's all come rushing out . I am deeply distressed by this too. It's so hard to see my small child so fearful and unhappy each day . should I not be doing this to him . I don't know .
I hope I don't come across as an overprotective mother , I am not . I am trying to do what's best here but am I doing more harm than good with him being so upset each day ?.
Any perspectives , advice or opinions welcome please .

Sleepy

Changing schools won't help. There'll be a bully in his new class too and him being the "new boy" will be enough reason for that bully to target him there.

You need to teach him to stand up for himself. Some physical sport might be a good idea to toughen him up a little. Failing that, has he an elder sibling in the same school he can threaten "John" with?

Bullying in boys is easily sorted out: it invariably ends when the kid being bullied hits the bully back. It's not PC to suggest it in an age where we mollycoddle our children so much but it's worked since time began. Last year one of the neighbourhood kids who was 7/8 at the time was throwing sand at my (then) 3 year old when she was in playing in the sandbox in our garden. The first and second time she did it, Rory told her that it was bold. The third? She clocked the older girl who was twice her size and I was immensely proud of her. I wouldn't say that the older girl is afraid of her or anything like that but she certainly doesn't try to pick on her now.

Big Bag of Chips

Yep, its very unPC, but sometimes it's the only thing that works.

Teach him to stand up for himself. If John says anything to him in class, teach him to say very loudly "John, stop saying that, it is not nice".

Tell the teacher that this is what you are instructing him to do, and let him know that you have ok'd it with his teacher and he knows this is what's going to happen.

Sometimes they are afraid to stand up for themselves, because the think THEY might get in trouble.

My fella is a bit soft, and not into the rough and tumble that most 7 year old boys are. I'm in the process of trying to teach him the difference between being pushed in the boisterous rush to get in or out of class, and being pushed by someone who is deliberately singling him out! I've told him if someone tries to push him to start a fight, that he should push them back and shout in their face "keep your hands off me".

It's a minefield really.. my fella thinks everyone picks on him when the reality is, the few lads that cause the trouble don't single him out specifically, they're a bit rougher than the other kids, and are rough with everyone!

If you give him permission to speak up, and give him a line to say, it will give him a little bit of confidence.

But I'd also be on the teachers back!

byhookorbycrook

The Stay Safe rules of "Say no, get away,tell someone" are good- I agree if *John* is at him he must speak up, loudly.Is he sitting near this child again?What would you like the teacher to do?I'd look for a meeting and try and work together to sort this, no child should be fearful of school, in this day and age.

LegacyUser

thanks , sleepy , big bag of chips and byhookorbycrook.

byhookorbycrook , yes that is what saddens me is that he is fearful of school so young, it can't be healthy at this age . no he is not sitting beside John anymore and in all fairness john's name hasn't been mentioned the last few days . I do think this is what started all this in the first place though .

you asked what would I like the teacher to do . I'm not sure really , but the times I did go about it I was made to feel teacher was protecting John and my son was making things up, which made me really question the school. teacher was willing to just leave things as they were until I had to demand he be moved , this was after me asking politely a few times over a few weeks .

so as I say my son is still very reluctant about school and I just don't know what to do about it anymore . when I ask him why , he says he misses me when he's in school and starts to cry . I don't know what to say to this . Iv'e tried bribing LOL but I feel behind it all he is just not happy and feel as a mother I need to do something I just don't know what. .

bdr529

sorry to hear that your boy is having this trouble, it sounds like the teacher is reluctant or unwilling to do anything about this. I agree with the other posters in that it is time to toughen your boy up but the other side of the coin is that if you let your son know that it is ok to fight back then your boy is the one who will get in trouble for fighting etc. also, bullies have an uncanny knack for flying under the radar( whispered threats, kicks under the table or whatever while the teacher is not watching) and the teacher can do nothing if they cannot see what is going on. if 'John' is continuing to be a problem then your son will continue to be a victim and 'john' will continue to be a bully and will go on to bully others because he knows that he can get away with it .
talk to the teacher again, tell them that you suspect that your son is still being bullied by john and that you are making an appoinpment with the principle and the school liason officer to resolve the matter. all three (teacher, principle, SLO) are obliged by the dept. of educations charter on the protection of children to report any suspected case of bullying or abuse to the HSE and the Garda family liason officer.
make seperate appointments with the principle and the School liason officer (teacher and principle can tell you who that is) and let each of then know that if they fail to resolve the situation that you will report the matter directly to the HSE & Garda family liason officer, which is your right under the charter and as a parent.
the full procedures and charter are on the dept of educations website and are worth a read ....

Sleepy

endofmytether wrote: »

I feel behind it all he is just not happy and feel as a mother I need to do something I just don't know what. .

Have you considered that maybe you need to do less?

Sometimes what kids most need is the freedom to do things for themselves and to learn to stand on their own two feet instead of hiding behind mammy's skirts.

RubyGirl

Is he in juniors, my lad was like this when he went into seniors and I put it down to routine. In juniors he had the same teacher day in day out, and he knew where he was. In seniors his teacher also did the school choir so coming up to christmas plays, summer plays, school comp's she was gone and he had a sub.
He hated going in and did cry every day. He has a comfort toy and I got him to bring it to school with him and if he felt sad or whatever he could hold it. It did help and the teacher/principal were great, getting him to do little jobs.
He's in 1st now and no hassle this year thank god.

byhookorbycrook

I'd mention it to teacher again. It may well just be a kind of habit now and that he sees he is getting attention, but at the same time, if he needs support/help from you or teacher and still sees this guy as an issue, you need to help him-and teacher out.

miss no stars

Maybe you could bring him to a child psychologist? They might be able to get out of him what's wrong.

I'd try and nip this in the bud though. It could be that John or someone else is bothering him, but it equally as well could be that he's reading too much into someone else's behaviour because he's unhappy about something else and can't understand it so is projecting those unhappy feelings onto something he can understand.

Without being alarmist, there was a kid like that in my class in senior infants, his mum was still coming in with him every day and he was still crying every day in 6th class. So having seen that happen, I'd say you're chasing your tail with appointments with the teacher and principal unless you can actually get out of him what's ACTUALLY wrong. His anxiety levels could be high for all sorts of reasons!