Is it taboo to say parenting isn't that bad?

lazygal

People, when they find out we have a wee lass of almost eight months, seem to think we're having a bad time of it. Broken sleep, house in chaos, no social life and obsessed with childrearing. But we've found it fine. Of course there's ups and downs and maybe we just got lucky with an easy baby, but I find with some people, particularly those with children themselves, seem to be all about how hard it is. They almost delight in horror stories, like the colleague who has three kids, 6, 9 and 10, and says he hasn't had a full nights sleep in years. Well we had one last night, and the night before that, and will hopefully keep having them. I can't function in a messy house and I've found life easier all round to be organised, so there's little or no chaos. Then when you say you're finding it grand, other parents pull out the trump card "Wait till you have another! THEN you'll see what its really like'. Does anyone else feel like this? That other parents are all about the martyrdom but parenting really isn't as bad as they might make out?

Neyite

I have found it grand so far, but then our only child is 8 months. So maybe the terrible twos have some horrors I dont know about.

I have had the occasional full night of sleep but more often than not baby wakes at least once. I dont think I am tired - I've adjusted and still take naps, but I'm on maternity leave so of course its nice and easy when I dont have to juggle getting both of us fed and ready in the morning and not being late for work, or wondering how to cope when they are sick and I cant take any more days off work and I've no backup or any of those scenarios.

I might revist this topic when I have a bit more experience in 2030 :pac:

dahamsta

I thought much the same until my fella was around that age, but it gets more disruptive. A head cold (or worse) or a bad dose of teething will kill the sleepy nights off pretty quickly, and as soon as they start exploring properly they start causing havoc. And then more havoc. I'm still batting above average and when he smiles it's easy to forget, but sometimes you just want to ESCAPE! :-)

Number 2 will be here in 3 weeks in our house. I've no idea how we'll manage, and how our house won't melt with the dirt from food and... emanations, but manage we will.

Still though, roll on 2032!

emer_b

I understand you lazygal, my little one is only 4months old but it really hasn't been that bad so far. I'm not naive enough to think it will always be like this but when people told me the first 6 weeks would be hell I was expecting the worst...which didn't happen. When explaining this to other mums they seem to delight in saying "oh don't worry, it won't last" or "wait until she starts teething".
Of course it hasn't been a walk in the park but I've been through tougher experiences.
I find it funny too when people say "oh you look great after just having a baby", I think we're expected to go around with greasy hair and puke stained clothes for a few months

Cavehill Red

Talk to me again when your youngest hits 18! Your parenting has barely begun.

slarkin123

I've 2 boys and a girl, 3 9 & 12. It gets harder as they get more independent and older. Even now my 3 year old, who has been a little dream since he was born, is starting to act up a bit. My sister in law had 3 girls all with 2 years in between, and her house was nothing but arguments 24/7 over the most ridiculous things.

Cavehill Red

By the way, I don't wish to give the impression that it suddenly turns easy once they become legal adults. Far from it! Just that theoretically you're no longer responsible and can disown them if you wish. Have occasionally been tempted!

CaraMay

Op I think that's an Irish thing - people like to moan about how hard they have it but then pat themselves on the back at the same time by demonstrating that they are getting through the hardship... There is also the 'I know more than you' attitud..

Parenting is one subject you get streams of unwanted advice and patronising comments on and often from people you don't know yet.

I think a lot of it is down to attitude - you have a positive one and others don't.

Hannibal Smith

I think its harder for some than others...just because you've had it difficult doesn't mean everyone else will. but also just because you've had it easy doesn't mean every one else does.

all children are different and bring different things to the table. I think the first 3 months of no sleep and constant feeding are tough and its a bit unfair to label it an 'Irish' thing or to remark negatively on those who have found it tricky.

once you pass that stage its a doddle ...until they're fully talking...are completely independent and do nothing you ask

CaraMay

Hannibal I have had a year of hell but would never tell a new mum that it gets harder - it's all relative.

I have lived in a few different countries and have never heard parents go on like they do here so I do think its an Irish martyrdom thing

Wise Old Elf

Funnily enough, I would have thought the opposite. Like one of the posters above, we've had a difficult year with our 4 year old, but I find it difficult to tell people that we find it hard; brave face on and a wry smile.

looksee

I had two children who were so easy I was convinced I was the original earth mother, obviously I was a brilliant parent! Then we had one that was ill from birth, and then one that alternated between angelic in the day and screaming all night for over a year. That was indeed, very hard work!

Enjoy your lovely babies, they are a whole new experience of life, even if they are a bit temperamental they are still gorgeous

Gambas

lazygal wrote: »

THEN you'll see what its really like'. Does anyone else feel like this? That other parents are all about the martyrdom but parenting really isn't as bad as they might make out?

Just tell them you probably don't find it too bad because you love your kids.

It's all relative. Some children are harder than others.
My son was a bad sleeper as a baby and we both found it very hard goIng. My brother's daughter had colic and reflux and that was tough. SIL had the opposite problem in trying to put on a brave face at mother and baby groups while everyone else seemed to be getting along just fine.
She also had post natal depression which is extremely common, more so than people realise.

Eight months is a lovely age. They may not be crawling yet, are not walking but are more interactive with you and happy to be brought places. You can keep your house clutter free easily.
Make the most of it because in a year's time that probably won't be the case!
Toddlers are a very different ball game.
They are far more demanding of your attention and if they don't get it are liable to throw tantrums.
Cleaning up with a toddler around is like shovelling snow during a snowstorm, you're wasting your time! Toddlers are messy and like throwing things around, shoving toys and food into every orifice in the house and climbing on everything.

Enjoy enjoying parenting. I'm not a martyr but it won't always be this easy. If you have another they may be exactly the same and sleep well and be lovely and placid, but they may not ...

Cavehill Red

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Talk to me again when your youngest hits 18! Your parenting has barely begun.

It's these kind of 'trump-card' quotes that I think the OP is referring to.

Das Kitty

You know, I think it's good that parents are open about how difficult they find it when they do.

Imagine if everyone pretended it was easy and then you were hit with it.

Our perceptions are based on what our expectations were, and if you were expecting a total breeze, you might feel worse about how it's going.

kippy

Once you accept a few things about rearing kids things tend to get better.
1. Your house is not your own anymore. It will never be as tidy as it once was. Accept this instead of trying to keep it as tidy as it once was.
2. Mealtimes will never be the same again.
3. Routines are all well and good, and just when you think the "routine" is sorted, something (sickness, teething etc) comes along and messes it up. Don't get too obsessed by it.
4. At some point(right up until they are "old"), you will have sleepless nights.
5. Not every temperature is an A and E issue.
6. Cuts and bruises happen, it's par for the course.
7. Following the "best practices" is all well and good in the books, but in the real world, you sometimes have to deviate.
8. Things MAY get frayed between the parents, especially if sleep is an issue. Try and up your patience levels in general.
9. Almost most importantly, every kid is different - try not to compare/contrast them, just bring them up as best you can.

GeorgeBailey

To be honest I find it annoying and insulting that people are calling it martyrdom. It's great for those who've had an easy time of it, it really is. But for others, for various reasons, it can be anything but easy. And when you're finding things difficult I think it's important that you do talk about it instead of bottling things up and then more than likely making things worse when at home.

pwurple

Meh. It's all relative. I think some peoples lives change more than others. We used to be a very active couple before. Both worked long hours and loved our jobs. Out 6 out of 7 evenings a week doing sports, charity work, clubs, night courses or with friends/family. Those evening activites go for a while when baby comes along. It is a shift, so that took a bit of grtting used to. If you were a chill-at-home kind of person to begin with, maybe with a dog or cat around, then it is not such a big change. And it comes back a bit as they get older and you get babysitters. There is still no way I would go out even 2 evenings a week now though, and she is nearly 2.

There a lot of taboos in parenting. I found it pretty hellish when I was trying to breastfeed, and a piece of cake when I gave that the boot. Not everyone's experience, and I would encourage everyone to try it. Most people find it much easier than I did. When that ended for me, it was lovely for the next 6 months.

Then I found it hard around the weaning time as well. She got those allergic reactions to foods and we were racing to the hospital with a barely breathing child. That was tough, especially with the guilt that it was from something you just fed her.

Once we figured that bit out, we were all good again. It is happy days since. It is always a warning bell when people ask how long she sleeps. That means theirs doesn't! Tread carefully.

We are all very lucky to be getting sleep with our healthy contented children now. Try not to gloat too much over the frazzled ones!

Gambas

Das Kitty wrote: »

You know, I think it's good that parents are open about how difficult they find it when they do.

Imagine if everyone pretended it was easy and then you were hit with it.

Our perceptions are based on what our expectations were, and if you were expecting a total breeze, you might feel worse about how it's going.

I think the problem is that often parents who are having a genuinely tough time are often the ones that will say 'oh, its fine', and ones who only have themselves to blame, through priorities in lifestyle or other choices who are quick to make out that it is very difficult for everyone.

Gambas

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Talk to me again when your youngest hits 18! Your parenting has barely begun.

Won't you be in a old peoples home by then?

Das Kitty

Gambas wrote: »

I think the problem is that often parents who are having a genuinely tough time are often the ones that will say 'oh, its fine', and ones who only have themselves to blame, through priorities in lifestyle or other choices who are quick to make out that it is very difficult for everyone.

Can you elaborate on this?

Either you're finding it tough or you're not. I don't see what priorities in lifestyle have to do with it.

Hannibal Smith

CaraMay wrote: »

Hannibal I have had a year of hell but would never tell a new mum that it gets harder - it's all relative.

I have lived in a few different countries and have never heard parents go on like they do here so I do think its an Irish martyrdom thing

so you have found it difficult then? you just prefer not to talk about how difficult it is?

I have heard plenty of parents moan about hoe difficult parenting is through lack of sleep....of lots of different nationalities. one of my best friends who is German was frequently reduced to tears she was so tired.

Gee_G

I love every bit of being a parent but my god it can get tough. Like the day when your baby will not sleep and screams the house down but I've no problem telling anyone this But in general, I have To say I don't find it as hard as I thought I wouLd

seamus

All in all, we've actually had a pretty easy time of it. OK, she slept in two hour stints at the very start and for a few nights in a row would wake in the middle of the night absolutely screaming with wind.

The sleep issue always being the killer. I don't think it's possible to have it explained to you until you're there. So for new parents like ourselves, I imagine that's the "Oh sweet Jesus" part. For the subsequent children no doubt the sleep deprivation is just as difficult, but at least you're prepared for it.

I know people who are celebrating 5 hours of continuous sleep for a four-month-old. We've been getting 8 to 9 hours of continuous sleep since she was 9 weeks old*, and we're aware that this is extremely lucky.

We're still having difficulty adjusting to the lack of freedom. Whereas before I would think nothing of coming home from work and going out for a run and my wife would think nothing of getting a phone call during the day to go out to the pub later that night, these things are now gone for the next 20 years. Particularly that my wife is breastfeeding exclusively, she can't just go somewhere on a whim and leave me holding the baby. Likewise I feel bad just swanning off for an hour's run or a few pints because she's already been doing all the baby-related work all day and needs a break.
When she's off the breast for most of her feeds, hopefully this should make personal freedom a lot easier for both of us.

I strongly agree with pwurple on that front - if your days consistent of lots of coming and going, then a newborn will be a dramatic change to your lifestyle that can leave you feeling a little suffocated. But if you tend to spend your evenings chilling out reading or watching TV anyway, then a child will require less adjustment.

There's also a relationship element which I wasn't expecting. Best described by my brother last weekend - "For the first few months, you're no longer a couple. You're just two colleagues working in the same environment towards the same goal".

A child is hard work. I don't think it's "taboo" to say otherwise, it's just plain incorrect. OK, maybe not "hard" work, it's just constant work with little breaks. That said, I've no time for martyrs to it either. People who spend all their time going on about how terrible their life is because now they have a child. 2 seconds looking at her face erases any possible "badness" from the work of looking after her.

*It's six hours for me because she doesn't go down till after midnight, but it's six continuous hours, every night. Which is great.

lazygal

seamus wrote: »

these things are now gone for the next 20 years.[/size]

Seriously? I don't know about your parents but mine were able to have a more spontaneous social life well before I hit 20, and I'm the eldest.

seamus

lazygal wrote: »

Seriously? I don't know about your parents but mine were able to have a more spontaneous social life well before I hit 20, and I'm the eldest.

Well we're on our first, so 20 years being a rough estimate.

I suppose by the time the eldest is 14/15 you can leave them to babysit for a couple of hours while you go out.

Gambas

seamus wrote: »

A child is hard work. I don't think it's "taboo" to say otherwise, it's just plain incorrect. OK, maybe not "hard" work, it's just constant work with little breaks. That said, I've no time for martyrs to it either. People who spend all their time going on about how terrible their life is because now they have a child. 2 seconds looking at her face erases any possible "badness" from the work of looking after her.

Well said. Of course it requires effort. So does anything that is worth doing. But barring illness or other major issues, you should be enjoying it.

Gambas

Das Kitty wrote: »

Can you elaborate on this?

Either you're finding it tough or you're not. I don't see what priorities in lifestyle have to do with it.

It's pretty self-explanatory. For example, if the parent or kids is ill that is a genuinely tough situation.

However, if the parent is complaining (or a boast masquerading a a complaint) because they are having to provide a normal healthy kid with the time, energy and patience required, then that is completely different.

Das Kitty

Gambas wrote: »

It's pretty self-explanatory. For example, if the parent or kids is ill that is a genuinely tough situation.

However, if the parent is complaining (or a boast masquerading a a complaint) because they are having to provide a normal healthy kid with the time, energy and patience required, then that is completely different.

That's a pretty judgemental stance. That someone needs to be ill for someone to be allowed to find parenting difficult.

It's okay for anyone to find parenting trying, and to talk about it, IMO.

eviltwin

The older they get the harder it is. Give me a screaming, teething baby over a moody teenager any day.

I'm lucky my 15 yr old is a great kid, works hard, never gives us any grief. I still worry though, about her education, about her career etc. I don't worry half so much about the toddler. Yeah physically he's more demanding but all he needs is food, time, love and he's sorted. As your kids grow and get more independant there are more things to be concerned about and thats when it gets tough.

It is relative as other people say, you can be unlucky and have a tough child or have issues yourself. I had PND with both so I'll hold my hands up and say the early days were hell for me. You might not have support, you might be parenting on your own or under other stress that impacts on how you parent.

But it is early days when you're talking about a young baby, they change so so much so expect your experiences of being a parent to change too as they grow.