Is it taboo to say parenting isn't that bad?

movingsucks

My take on this is you never know what's coming next, my 8 month old, sleeps through since she was 10 weeks, has had one cold so far and is generally "good" (Unless you want to give her a bath)
However, when I was a baby I was as good as gold, slept all the time and not a moments trouble .... Then I turned two and I turned into THE ANTICHRIST. Screamy, whingey, clingy, always getting ear infections, terrible tantrums God I don't know how my parents didn't leave me on the side of a road somewhere. That lasted until I was about 9 I'd say.
Some of my mates have had colic and reflux babies, babies who don't sleep they are all different and they can be a bit quick to jump on anything even slightly negative I allude to (eg I was on the phone to one of them and the baby was "talking" and my friend asked "is that her crying?" I said "ah no she's just giving out" and she replied "oh Jesus". If the child was roaring I could understand the reaction but she wasnt.. Anyway)
I think people who have a hard time can feel a bit isolated, like it's the opposite you're not meant to complain about sleepless nights and so on.
So I always say she's good ... For now.

Gambas

Das Kitty wrote: »

That's a pretty judgemental stance. That someone needs to be ill for someone to be allowed to find parenting difficult.

It's okay for anyone to find parenting trying, and to talk about it, IMO.

Nice manipulation there Kitty.

Illness was used as an example, not the only reason.

'Trying' is so mild as to be meaningless in this context.

But you got the dig in that you couldn't justify in the first post. Well done.

eviltwin

movingsucks wrote: »

My take on this is you never know what's coming next, my 8 month old, sleeps through since she was 10 weeks, has had one cold so far and is generally "good" (Unless you want to give her a bath)
However, when I was a baby I was as good as gold, slept all the time and not a moments trouble .... Then I turned two and I turned into THE ANTICHRIST. Screamy, whingey, clingy, always getting ear infections, terrible tantrums God I don't know how my parents didn't leave me on the side of a road somewhere. That lasted until I was about 9 I'd say.
Some of my mates have had colic and reflux babies, babies who don't sleep they are all different and they can be a bit quick to jump on anything even slightly negative I allude to (eg I was on the phone to one of them and the baby was "talking" and my friend asked "is that her crying?" I said "ah no she's just giving out" and she replied "oh Jesus". If the child was roaring I could understand the reaction but she wasnt.. Anyway)
I think people who have a hard time can feel a bit isolated, like it's the opposite you're not meant to complain about sleepless nights and so on.
So I always say she's good ... For now.

My 3 year old was sleeping through the night at 4 weeks, cue the smug mammy here. Fast forward to today and he hasn't slept a full night in nearly six months. Parenting karma ensures you get your fair share somewhere along the line

Moonbeam

I find pregnancy a lot harder then child rearing so far.
I also could do with out child birth.
My 3 are all January so 12 days old,almost 2 and just gone 4.
I find the 1st few weeks of breast feeding torture because well I do not find it easy and it hurts and it i nearly contant also I love my sleep and need it too.
My 1st girl got combined fed and slept through the night from 6 weeks my 2nd slept though the night from about 8/9 weeks. I class though the night a 7/8 hours with out them waking.
Currently I am back to being a zombie for a few weeks.

Das Kitty

Gambas wrote: »

Nice manipulation there Kitty.

Illness was used as an example, not the only reason.

'Trying' is so mild as to be meaningless in this context.

But you got the dig in that you couldn't justify in the first post. Well done.

My intention wasn't to manipulate or have a dig. I still don't understand how a parent can only have themselves to blame for finding parenting difficult.

I often find parenting difficult, and we have no major issues. Sometimes being a parent is just a pain in the arse. And I think it's fine to say that aloud and not expect to be judged over it.

Moonbeam

Gambas and Das Kitty less of the bickering please

Hannibal Smith

our first is a great sleeper....the second one not so great....but having said that...they're both in their beds asleep by 7.30. and all we do is tuck them in read a story...bottle for the youngest and off they go to sleep by themselves. its great now.

this time last year we were in hell with the two of them...the youngest wasn't sleeping and when he did the eldest was running round in the middle of the night like forrest gump . we have no family near by and it was blooming tough. I don't see why I should have to apologise for saying that?

it is all so so worth it and I wouldn't change a minute of it...but it was hard.

congratulations moonbeams ! what did you
have?

Moonbeam

A little boy to go with my 2 girl:)

Hannibal Smith

Moonbeam wrote: »

A little boy to go with my 2 girl:)

aww brilliant! congrats again xxx

I'd agree that the adjustment to parenting depends on the life you had pre-baby.
Like others here my husband and I had a lot of hobbies and interests outside work and weren't the type to sit in front of the telly in the evenings. So I flounder the initial adjustment difficult. I was bored stupid on maternity leave.

I take my son to a couple of mother and toddler groups and having struck up friendships with other mums we're honest with each other. Not one of us has had an easy ride in parenting. Whether it's because the child was harder work, PND, subsequent children upending a previously smooth family life or combining work with home life, we have all had rough times.

If parenting is genuinely easy for someone I'm delighted for them. I'm a little smug at the moment because life with my son is relatively easy at the moment, but I am not naive to believe it will always be like this. We are one bout of sickness, teething, developmental stages, general life change away from another rough patch.

Cavehill Red

Deleted User wrote: »

It's these kind of 'trump-card' quotes that I think the OP is referring to.

What 'trump card'? How can the OP reasonably be considered to have found parenting easy when they've barely started doing it?

Cavehill Red

Gambas wrote: »

Won't you be in a old peoples home by then?

Unless they're still having more kids in a few decades time, no.

lounakin

I agree that it's different for everybody. I find it very difficult. My baby is 8 months and she doesn't sleep. Everyday it gets harder and harder to function with lack of sleep, I do think it influences my parenting because most of the time I don't know what to do. Since she was born she has slept more than 3 hours at a time 3 or 4 times only, but I remember all of them because of the feeling of hope I got from a few hours of sleep! My mind was clear for the next few days!

kippy

lounakin wrote: »

I agree that it's different for everybody. I find it very difficult. My baby is 8 months and she doesn't sleep. Everyday it gets harder and harder to function with lack of sleep, I do think it influences my parenting because most of the time I don't know what to do. Since she was born she has slept more than 3 hours at a time 3 or 4 times only, but I remember all of them because of the feeling of hope I got from a few hours of sleep! My mind was clear for the next few days!

Can you alternate the sleep with your partner?

Squ

It's different for every body. Even with similar kids to us (age/behaviour) my brother is finding it very difficult, where we are not.

Himself and his wife are obviously at the end of their tether, with even the smallest thing setting them off. (You could cut the atmosphere with a knife when they had a fight about who's turn it was to change the nappy)

Last week, he looked like he was about to faint when we offered to take his three overnight. Yeah it was chaos with 6 wee 'uns in the house, but sure wont the house be clean and tidy for long enough when they're all grown up.

Each time the baby screams with the teething at 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 in the morning, i put myself in her shoes and think how frightening it must be to be going through the pain, with no idea why.

Oh, and to answer your question, yes, no one wants to hear you don't mind it. So I've learnt to just say we're taking it one day at a time. Which isn't lying!


Tldr; different for everyone, depends on how you handle stress

Ginny

It's different for everyone and different for every baby, sure you'd get a different response from me on how I'm finding it on 2 consecutive days. Our little one is nearly 6 months old, from 6-15 weeks he slept straight through 9-7ish, a bomb could have gone off in the room and he wouldn't wake up. I could handle mostly anything those days, once you're getting a good amount of sleep things seem easier. Now it's hit and miss with him sleep wise. Last night he was awake at least once every hour, I am shattered today and so is he and he still won't nap. People do need to be a bit more honest with how they're getting on,that is not all lollipops and rainbows, there were days at the start where I felt overwhelmed and out of my depth thank god for my mother and baby group I found out I wasn't the only one and everything I was feeling and going through was normal, but not really talked about indepth by a lot of parents.
What I do hate is scenarios like when our little one was sleeping through the nigh and we'd answer honestly when asked only to be told " oh wait until they start teething, you'll be in for it then, you know all about lack of sleep then" almost gleefully wishing a lack of sleep on us. Myself I'd tell new parents or parents to be (in my limited experience so far) that it is tough, but that you will get through it, you'll amaze yourself in what you can get done during a 20 minute nap time...:) that it is ok to feel crap at times, to look after yourself and make sure you do get some you time regularly, even getting out and going for a walk on your own.

pwurple

Moonbeam wrote: »

I find pregnancy a lot harder then child rearing so far.
I also could do with out child birth.

+1 to that. Those last few weeks of pregnancy are especially tough, I vividly remember the first week thinking, wow, this is way easier than being pregnant.

Congrats on new arrival Moonbeam, fun in your house I'd say at the moment!

lounakin

kippy wrote: »

Can you alternate the sleep with your partner?

Not really, we live in a very small apartment so when the baby cries you can hear from everywhere. But obviously when he's up with her I try to sleep and vice versa, just not working too well.

Squ

lounakin wrote: »

I agree that it's different for everybody. I find it very difficult. My baby is 8 months and she doesn't sleep. Everyday it gets harder and harder to function with lack of sleep, I do think it influences my parenting because most of the time I don't know what to do. Since she was born she has slept more than 3 hours at a time 3 or 4 times only, but I remember all of them because of the feeling of hope I got from a few hours of sleep! My mind was clear for the next few days!

My sister went through something similar. Turned out she was tip toeing around hoping for 30mins peace if the baby napped.

She was advised to stop being quiet around the baby. Hoovering, telly on all day, cleaning, talking at normal level etc..

The baby now only sleeps when knackered for 3 or 4 hrs at a time, still not great, but to her it was heaven!

littlemissfixit

Moonbeam wrote: »

I find pregnancy a lot harder then child rearing so far.
I also could do with out child birth.
My 3 are all January so 12 days old,almost 2 and just gone 4.
I find the 1st few weeks of breast feeding torture because well I do not find it easy and it hurts and it i nearly contant also I love my sleep and need it too.
My 1st girl got combined fed and slept through the night from 6 weeks my 2nd slept though the night from about 8/9 weeks. I class though the night a 7/8 hours with out them waking.
Currently I am back to being a zombie for a few weeks.

I found pregnancy so easy, and I dont know if anyone will believe this but since my last was really my last (or so is the decision at the moment) I will miss the fact that I will not give birth again...

But the point is that I think everyone will agree, everyone is different, every child is different, and every combination parent-child is different and so is their interraction. Some people have a tendancy to exagerate in everything in life, same will apply when they are talking about their experience of parenting. Some people are just honnest and tell it like it is when its hard, some people just prefer keeping it to themselves, and some people are just lucky b******s for whom it really is a breeze :P

My first slept through at round 6 months (an eternity to me, she was breastfed, the task couldnt be shared), but has barely ever woken up at night since, through teething and everything the tough cookie! She was an easy baby, I know this now that I've had the second who 8 months on still wakes up once or twice a night. My lovely little girl has also entered the terrible 2s, but although there are several screaming tantrums a day I find that if I am rested enough, I can sail through it all.
When I found it hard with my first, I still wasnt saying much about it, cause a friend's baby was still waking up nearly every night and staying awake for 2-3 hours at 16 months. The same baby who had colics for 3-4 months solid.
The support you have available to you also plays a big part. My partner and I have no family here, and moved city when s was only couple weeks old, knew nobody, there was no way for us to have any respite for several months. Oh how I wish my mother had been there, so I could have dumped the baby with her some nights!

A good moan can do the world of good though, and an exagerated one can be more entertaining. I'd never tell someone expecting, I dont think anything can prepare you until you have kids to the bad and all the great stuff too.

red fraggle

Deleted User wrote: »

Make the most of it because in a year's time that probably won't be the case!
Toddlers are a very different ball game.
They are far more demanding of your attention and if they don't get it are liable to throw tantrums.
Cleaning up with a toddler around is like shovelling snow during a snowstorm, you're wasting your time! Toddlers are messy and like throwing things around, shoving toys and food into every orifice in the house and climbing on everything.

my little one is only 1 and is at this!! shes not walking yet so can only imagine what she will get up to. but she has been a great baby and very content tho. love her to bits and i dont mind not having a tidy house even tho i do love when its tidy!:rolleyes: can only imagine if there was 2 of her!!!:D

Cavehill Red

Cavehill Red wrote: »

What 'trump card'? How can the OP reasonably be considered to have found parenting easy when they've barely started doing it?

Tbh your response was a typical example of what the OP meant. If you don't get the connection between your comment and the OPs post, then so be it.

The OP can only speak from their experience, and they know a lot more about that than you or anyone else does or ever will.

CaraMay

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

so you have found it difficult then? you just prefer not to talk about how difficult it is?
.

Very difficult as baby was and is sick. I talk about it from time to time but what I don't do, referring back to the op, is scare the be jaysus out of other parents with prophesies of doom. I am clever enough to know all babies are different and my horror stories may not apply to all other parents.

Cavehill Red

Deleted User wrote: »

Tbh your response was a typical example of what the OP meant. If you don't get the connection between your comment and the OPs post, then so be it.

The OP can only speak from their experience, and they know a lot more about that than you or anyone else does or ever will.

Yes, they find their experience SO FAR to be easy. Bully for them. It's nonsensical to project that forward and claim that parenting for them will be easy, and its nonsensical to generalise it and ponder smugly why other people moan about it.

CaraMay

Cavehill Red wrote: »

Yes, they find their experience SO FAR to be easy. Bully for them. It's nonsensical to project that forward and claim that parenting for them will be easy, and its nonsensical to generalise it and ponder smugly why other people moan about it.

And it's nonsense to assume your tales of woe will apply to them and to rain on their parade.

It's like saying 'I feel great' and then someone turning round and saying 'oh I felt great too before I had my heart attack' - same mentality.

Hannibal Smith

CaraMay wrote: »

Very difficult as baby was and is sick. I talk about it from time to time but what I don't do, referring back to the op, is scare the be jaysus out of other parents with prophesies of doom. I am clever enough to know all babies are different and my horror stories may not apply to all other parents.

so then its not an Irish thing to express how hard it is...its just a simple fact?

scaring the bejaysus out of parents with prophecies of doom? if you're that easily scared then you're in trouble.

the point of the thread is whether its taboo to say you find parenting easy. no its not....but as Ive been saying just because one set of parents have it easy...doesn't mean every one else does and it doesn't mean they have parenting cracked. each baby brings different things, the scope of which widens the older they get.

Cavehill Red

CaraMay wrote: »

And it's nonsense to assume your tales of woe will apply to them and to rain on their parade.

It's like saying 'I feel great' and then someone turning round and saying 'oh I felt great too before I had my heart attack' - same mentality.

I haven't mentioned any 'tales of woe' at all. I originally stated that when they've finished parenting, then they'd be in a position to comment on whether it was easy or not, and not when they've just started.

McTigs

No one has ever claimed that parenting is easy. To do it well requires patience, advanced time management, (little) people management, focus, knowledge and miriad of other skills that need to be aquired quickly if they are not already in your personal bank of abilities. With a couple of kids its a commitment that will extend for a good 25 years. Your own needs, wants and preferences will come second (whether you plan it that way or not) and you need to be ok with that. You will be frequently exhausted and occasionally frustrated.

The question is, do you enjoy the above. Personally i do.

Before our first was born the stories started, tales of horror about everything from sleeplessness, teething, terrible twos and how we "no idea" what was in store. Any plans we shared were met with a condecending "oh yeah, that'll last a week"..... and we realise now it was all bull**** specific to each persons experience but had no relevence to us or our children.

Yes of course there has been trying times and anybody who says there aren't is lying but to me that's just part of it and part of the challenge. To me, being a parent is a privilage, the ultimate job offer, to be relished and enjoyed. If you spend the whole time getting bogged down in little things like who's turn it is to change the nappy or when was the last time i had a pint, it will slip away and once it's gone it's gone.

As tough as it gets we should try to enjoy and cherish each stage our kids are at and relish the fullfillment it brings.

of course mine are 2 and a half and 3 weeks so what do i know.

Moonbeam

This thread is going to be closed if the topic does not get back on topic .
Stop arguing with each other about a topic that is different for everyone and everyone whether they have a week old baby or only have experience of looking after others is entitled to their opinions .

CaraMay

My last word on it -op I fully agree with you. People talk about the horrors of childbearing and child rearing more freely and in more detail than they do about other life experiences. Op I haven't had your experience as a lot of it for us has been very hard but I don't tell my horror stories to new parents who may not experience the same as I don't think it's fair to scare them unnecessarily. I have talked about it to patents of older kids who are passed our stage.

Bottom line if someone was going through a bad time having chemo then no one would dream of telling them 'oh it's going to get much worse' so I don't know why people think its ok to spill their more unpleasant experiences unprompted.

Op if I were you I would be telling them its been fine - why not???