Is it taboo to say parenting isn't that bad?

pwurple

With anything it's just a bit of cop on needed. If you have someone visiting you who looks like they are on their last nerve, and they start a conversation about the baby not sleeping, the right response is, "gosh that's awful.. You're not alone, mine did that too." NOT to make them feel like a pile of poo with a gloating story of your perfect child.

Alternatively, when someone talks about how much they love it, join in with that too, and don't chuck rain on their story with a monstrous tale of the vomitting bug.

eviltwin

pwurple wrote: »

With anything it's just a bit of cop on needed. If you have someone visiting you who looks like they are on their last nerve, and they start a conversation about the baby not sleeping, the right response is, "gosh that's awful.. You're not alone, mine did that too." NOT to make them feel like a pile of poo with a gloating story of your perfect child.

Alternatively, when someone talks about how much they love it, join in with that too, and don't chuck rain on their story with a monstrous tale of the vomitting bug.

Exactly. Sometimes you need to know you are not alone, that other people have been where you are and have come out the other side, that its normal, that its not that you are a crap parent etc. But as the person sharing you need to know when that moment is. Raining on someone's parade isn't helpful.

elaney

lounakin wrote: »

I agree that it's different for everybody. I find it very difficult. My baby is 8 months and she doesn't sleep. Everyday it gets harder and harder to function with lack of sleep, I do think it influences my parenting because most of the time I don't know what to do. Since she was born she has slept more than 3 hours at a time 3 or 4 times only, but I remember all of them because of the feeling of hope I got from a few hours of sleep! My mind was clear for the next few days!

If it any consolation my first didnt sleep through the night until he was one. He
woke at the minimum 3 times a night. The minute i changed from formula to cows milk that all changed, so hopefully the same happens for you.

Rachineire

I have to say, I was way more scared (and still am to some extent) of bringing my baby home and dealing with sleeplessness and feeding and teething than I was about childbirth and the pain of labour! The stories people tell you can be tough to hear and I feel like I heard (and hear) tons more negative than positive...makes parenting seem like an uphill struggle and makes it seem like its all doom and gloom. I know I'm rather new at this but so far itd been hard but nowhere near as bad as it was made to seem thank god!

Squ

Rachineire wrote: »

I have to say, I was way more scared (and still am to some extent) of bringing my baby home and dealing with sleeplessness and feeding and teething than I was about childbirth and the pain of labour! The stories people tell you can be tough to hear and I feel like I heard (and hear) tons more negative than positive...makes parenting seem like an uphill struggle and makes it seem like its all doom and gloom. I know I'm rather new at this but so far itd been hard but nowhere near as bad as it was made to seem thank god!

Friend of mine (with 3 kids) loved to tell me all the doom and gloom stories, was constantly saying 'its all ahead of you' etc..

I said to him, 'if its that bad, how come you didnt stop at one?!'

That shut him up!

Maybe its an irish thing.. But folks only want to tell you the bad stories

CaraMay

Squ wrote: »

I said to him, 'if its that bad, how come you didnt stop at one?!'

That shut him up!

Maybe its an irish thing.. But folks only want to tell you the bad stories

Very funny. What was his reply?

Squ

CaraMay wrote: »

Very funny. What was his reply?

"Sure theres no craic in that!"

seamus

One thing I remembered which did give me some degree of solace, was when we were talking my brother and his wife about our first few weeks. They have a 3 year old, with a second due in 8 weeks.

Every so often during the conversation, my brother would just say, "Oh God, I totally forgot about that. Ah ****, what have I done?"

So at least the really bad phases do pass and you do forget about them. What's a couple of months of really hard work in the grand scheme?

Rachineire

Squ wrote: »

Friend of mine (with 3 kids) loved to tell me all the doom and gloom stories, was constantly saying 'its all ahead of you' etc..

I said to him, 'if its that bad, how come you didnt stop at one?!'

That shut him up!

Maybe its an irish thing.. But folks only want to tell you the bad stories

No definitely not just an Irish thing, they do it in the states as well...worse even!

Hannibal Smith

when I was pregnant on my second my friends husband (who is Egyptian) told us how tough the first few months will be with 2. they have 2 not much older than ours. he wasn't trying to frighten us...he said you think it'll be grand because you've done it before but the early days are tough.

he was right and didn't cause any undue worrying or stress...just said it how it was.

lounakin

I think people who tell 'horror' stories are just looking for sympathy and support, we all have different ways of coping. This is what I do myself, I'm having such a hard time sometimes that I feel like screaming it out my window to whomever will listen. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful to have a child but that I feel alone and left out of the 'good' experience. I totally believe for some people it's easier, I don't envy it per se because part of me believes I will have experiences as intensely great as they are intensely bad. But for now, i am still at the stage when i don't know when i can have a shower or even go to the bathroom. It takes me 3 hours to put the baby down for a 10 minute nap. And she's 8 months old!

lounakin

lounakin wrote: »

I think people who tell 'horror' stories are just looking for sympathy and support, we all have different ways of coping. This is what I do myself, I'm having such a hard time sometimes that I feel like screaming it out my window to whomever will listen. It doesn't mean I'm not grateful to have a child but that I feel alone and left out of the 'good' experience. I totally believe for some people it's easier, I don't envy it per se because part of me believes I will have experiences as intensely great as they are intensely bad. But for now, i am still at the stage when i don't know when i can have a shower or even go to the bathroom. It takes me 3 hours to put the baby down for a 10 minute nap. And she's 8 months old!

Any major life change affects people differently. Add a more "difficult" baby into the mix and it's perfectly normal that some parents struggle.

Take for example being made redundant. Major life change. For some it's "not that hard". They might find they enjoy spending more time with their family. They might discover new hobbies or volunteering and feel it's actually ok. Many others, however, have a hard time with it. They may feel like they've lost their identity. They may feel like they can't cope with it.

Lounakin you will have the great times. Parenting is a lifelong challenge and there are many of them along the way. Sleeping and having a tidy house are not the be all and end all of parenting!
Every stage has its challenges, from 0-1 it's about keeping baby alive, from 1-4 it's about stopping your toddler from killing themselves. School age brings challenges in terms of education, bullying, worrying if they have nice friends, are they being included in things.
Teenage years, well from what I can see they're the most challenging of all.

galah

for me, it depends on the day and my own state of mind - there are days when i love being a parent, everything is easy, baby is playing ball, all is a breeze - from the first nappy change to the last bit of dinner.

Then there are the demon days, where you wish a travelling circus would pass by and take your child with them...

I think it is ok to say that you find parenting 'easy' - as long as you don't do it in a smug, annoying sort of way, laughing in the face of a parent who has a crap time of it. It's ok to say that your kids are sleeping well, eating well, pooping well, if you are also sympathetic to the parent who doesnt have it that easy.

Some of my friends in Germany have this annoying 'supermum' thing going on - you cannot, under any circumstances, admit that you are having a difficult time, ever. For some of them, it would be a sign of weakness (as seen by society), so they plough on, pretending to the world that everything is fun-tastic, best time ever, even if you know that they are struggling. So even when I whinge about the sleepless nights (that we sometimes have), they would always pretend that their kids never had any problems, ever, even though I know better (cause their husbands told me, for example ;-)). THAT to me is extremely annoying. Best be honest, either way.

That said, I know some of my friends told me horror stories of child rearing, before we had ours - and I must admit, even though I listened, it didnt reach me at all. So while I think it's best that you are prepared for the worst (and I still wish someone had told me how hard breastfeeding can be - I would have still done it, but wouldnt have struggled through it for so long - would have called for help a lot sooner and not hoped it would just get easier), other people's stories don't really matter until you are in the same situation...