Bf has Aspergers?

EventHorizon

Hi all,

I'm not sure if this is the correct forum to post on but here I go anyway and any advise would be much appreciated.

I think my boyfriend has Aspergers before we start going out we were great friends for over 5 years so I knew his eccentricities.

He is quite reclusive and apart from going to work or the library he is happy to stay alone and not have much social contact, he doesn't crave it or seek it. I mean he has no problem starting conversations and he is not that awkward around people when he is in a social setting although he cannot stay in a crowd for long.

We do go out at times to the Cinema, Gym or go hiking/for walks but that is just with me. We spend time together and we can sit in comfortable silence, if he is working at home and I am there he has no problem with it because he said I know how to behave and let him have his space which I know if he doesn't get it he is incredibly moody and irritable so I've learnt how to work around him. He can work for hours without stopping and he gets obsessed over things, if they are not perfect in his eyes he thinks he has failed. One day he actually worked non stop for 20 hours straight without a break.

He is very rational and logical - needs to rationalise everything! he is just hopeless at picking up social cues and at times I've had to dig him in the ribs because of something he might say to someone (its become our thing and he told me to do that) seen as he does not get my non-verbal hints lol, he is totally tactless and brutally honest to the point it might hurt but he does not do it with any malice intended. He does not know how to lie, even white lies.

He is highly intelligent and if we are having a conversation could be about anything and he will give me a run down of the actual statistics and go off on another tangent while I look at him half in awe and half thinking wtf is he talking about but I listen anyway until he has finished.

As for our personal relationship - he is a wonderful man, very loyal kind and caring. Affectionate and the physical side is great, he likes cuddles and to be hugged but he cannot verbalise his feelings for me.

In 9 years of our relationship/friendship he has said he I love you once and it was such a shock I was speechless. He cannot rationalise love or the feeling and he tries to rationalise it but cant. He'll talk about it from an evolutionary perspective and go into the science of it.

I know he does love me and care for me. His previous relationship the girl didn't quite understand him or his ways and said some quite awful things to him which has left him insecure and he thinks eventually I'll leave because he cannot give me what I need emotionally and at times that side of things are difficult - he worries if our children will be like him (he always says our children not his) and its part of the reason why we don't move forward and I'd like to start a family with him. I guess what I'm wondering is how do you get diagnosed with Aspergers? and is there any advise for those that live with a partner that has Aspergers?.

Any information would be appreciated. I've looked online but the resources are not that great and if anyone has similar experience would be nice to know.

Maryanne40

I don't know much about Aspergers but I was moved to answer because you sound so caring and honest. Your boyfriend sounds lovely.

It seems like you have a great relationship but I am wondering have you discussed this with him, using the word 'Aspergers'. From what you say, he would have that conversation with you in a logical way...in other words he would not lose his temper or be upset. So you could approach it.

With his knowledge and permission I think I would then contact one of the autism societies [I know Aspergers is considered to be on the autistic spectrum, albeit high functioning] and look for support there. I am sure you both would get good advice etc to make life a bit easier for you both going forward.

I hope this helps and good luck to you both.

Johnboy1951

Dunno if this would help any ...

http://www.aspergersupport.ie/

EventHorizon

Thanks for the link, I had a look at the website before and seems mainly for children but I guess ill give them a ring at some stage.

Thanks for the kind words Maryanne:).

I actually spoke to him about it last week and his response was to get up give me a hug and kiss then proceed to tell me that if was 23.45 and 15 minutes to bedtime (Sunday - Thursday he has to be in bed by midnight otherwise his routine is spoilt in his eyes and if that happens he gives himself a hard time). He said he would talk to me about it on Feb 15th when his deadline for work is over, he has a very stressful job and studies part time (his 5th degree). Thats not putting things off for him, he cannot multitask and that kind of conversation would drain him and if I push him he would go on lock down so I just agreed and told him it was a date. I know he wont avoid it and if I forget he will remind me.

Im not trying to change his ways or the person he is - in my eyes he is wonderful. Just I guess let or make him see that there is nothing wrong with him and get rid of the insecurities he holds from the past that prevents him from moving on, at least if there is a name on his behaviour he may realise there is a reason for it and nothing in wrong with him as a person. Honestly it breaks my heart that he thinks there is something wrong with him or lacking.

Anyhow I guess ill just ring them up after the 15th with his consent of course and take it from there.

Thanks once again!

Diplomat

Got a heads up regarding this thread from a friend of mine in the NDA, as I have been recently diagnosed (within the last two years) and it has been a revelation.

I can relate to every single point and observation that you have made. Deja Vu!

I was fortunate enough to be attending UCC as a night time student and whilst there I met a member of staff who copped that I had Aspergers and referred me to the Disability Support Service for assessment and they made an initial diagnosis of having Aspergers. They gave me a letter for my GP and this is what I recomment that you do with your partner.

Go to his GP, who will make an appointment with your local HSE Mental Health team (Aspergers comes under their remit) and they will assess him. One thing that drove me up the walls, was that some didn't want to "label" me and wanted to know why I sought assessment The blunt way, that I responded got the message across that I wanted to know what was causing me all these problems.

After the confirmation, I attended counselling and they gave me tools to assist me interact with people in an easier way. Life has become a whole lot better for me as a result of the coping strategies that I was taught. My "peers" have said that they have noticed a remarkable improvement and I am not getting into as many "scrapes". Aspergers is not curable and can be extremely frustrating for the person who has it and those close to them. But as another poster said, credit to you for being there for the long haul. I don't think I could have made it through this without the support of my wonderful wife.

I have learnt to exclude those people who cause me angst including my birth family as they can cause what can only be described as "melt downs" where you just want to crawl under a rock and stay there. Fortunately, my wifes family totally understand whats going on and accept that I am not being rude when I do not attend family occassions as to use a politically incorrect phrase, it fries my brain (think you may now understand why my nick is "Diplomat") having to deal with large groups of people.

If you want to make contact with me personally, if you feel that I could be of assistance to you both, please do not hesitate to do so.

Again, thanks to the contact in the NDA who alerted me to this and hopefully, my experiences will be of some value to you.

Kevster

Similar to the above poster, although I dont' have an official diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome.

I first went to my Irish GP when I became very depressed years ago and eventually received a diagnosis of OCD through a psychiatrist. I was then referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist who worked wonders on me and who agreed with me in my suggestion that I possibly had Asperger's Syndrome. Back to my GP, she also agreed, but advised me against getting an official diagnosis because at that point I had recovered sufficiently from my initial issues...

I suppose that you'd have to ask my girlfriend (now fianceé) about how I act ... I am told that I am intelligent and that I am a loner. i also struggle to show emotion and never get excited about anything. I am quite lovable, in the sense that I crawl arund the house and hug my partner many times. I won't go on...

Finally, look at it this way: a diagnosis of Asperger's should only be sought if the sufferer is struggling in his/her life. If they aren't, then ask yourself if it is really necessary...? In my view, it wouldn't be necessary and could actually be a negative. Instead, it would be easier if just you and those others who are closest to him accepted that he had Asperger's. The state doesn't need to know though...

Take care
Kevin

EventHorizon

Kevster wrote: »

Similar to the above poster, although I dont' have an official diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome.

I first went to my Irish GP when I became very depressed years ago and eventually received a diagnosis of OCD through a psychiatrist. I was then referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist who worked wonders on me and who agreed with me in my suggestion that I possibly had Asperger's Syndrome. Back to my GP, she also agreed, but advised me against getting an official diagnosis because at that point I had recovered sufficiently from my initial issues...

I suppose that you'd have to ask my girlfriend (now fianceé) about how I act ... I am told that I am intelligent and that I am a loner. i also struggle to show emotion and never get excited about anything. I am quite lovable, in the sense that I crawl arund the house and hug my partner many times. I won't go on...

Finally, look at it this way: a diagnosis of Asperger's should only be sought if the sufferer is struggling in his/her life. If they aren't, then ask yourself if it is really necessary...? In my view, it wouldn't be necessary and could actually be a negative. Instead, it would be easier if just you and those others who are closest to him accepted that he had Asperger's. The state doesn't need to know though...

Take care
Kevin

Hi ,

Thanks for your response, I didn't think anyone else had replied and guess late getting back to it. No, I wouldn't want to change a thing about him or his ways but I suppose help him work out some things that cause difficulty and make him realise nothing is wrong with him even if he does have Aspergers - I don't see anything wrong in a person who has, just think and process things differently but may struggle with normal social things that others find easier. Your response really helps , thanks so much : )

EventHorizon

Diplomat wrote: »

Got a heads up regarding this thread from a friend of mine in the NDA, as I have been recently diagnosed (within the last two years) and it has been a revelation.

I can relate to every single point and observation that you have made. Deja Vu!

I was fortunate enough to be attending UCC as a night time student and whilst there I met a member of staff who copped that I had Aspergers and referred me to the Disability Support Service for assessment and they made an initial diagnosis of having Aspergers. They gave me a letter for my GP and this is what I recomment that you do with your partner.

Go to his GP, who will make an appointment with your local HSE Mental Health team (Aspergers comes under their remit) and they will assess him. One thing that drove me up the walls, was that some didn't want to "label" me and wanted to know why I sought assessment The blunt way, that I responded got the message across that I wanted to know what was causing me all these problems.

After the confirmation, I attended counselling and they gave me tools to assist me interact with people in an easier way. Life has become a whole lot better for me as a result of the coping strategies that I was taught. My "peers" have said that they have noticed a remarkable improvement and I am not getting into as many "scrapes". Aspergers is not curable and can be extremely frustrating for the person who has it and those close to them. But as another poster said, credit to you for being there for the long haul. I don't think I could have made it through this without the support of my wonderful wife.

I have learnt to exclude those people who cause me angst including my birth family as they can cause what can only be described as "melt downs" where you just want to crawl under a rock and stay there. Fortunately, my wifes family totally understand whats going on and accept that I am not being rude when I do not attend family occassions as to use a politically incorrect phrase, it fries my brain (think you may now understand why my nick is "Diplomat") having to deal with large groups of people.

If you want to make contact with me personally, if you feel that I could be of assistance to you both, please do not hesitate to do so.

Again, thanks to the contact in the NDA who alerted me to this and hopefully, my experiences will be of some value to you.

Hi Diplomat,

Thank you so much for you reply and sorry for the late response, I had not checked thought would not get any other posts.

I have spoke to him and will follow your advise, I think I mentioned in one of my postings that he will discuss it with me in Feb - he has a routine and this would send him on lock down. I certainly would not want to change anything about him or his ways, I'd just like to help him and make him feel better or give him answers.

I can relate to so much of what you posted.. he does get into scrapes at times (nothing physical) mainly due to misunderstandings and I think it would be wonderful if he had a strategy to cope , but its something I would not know how to help him with. I think his co-workers would appreciate it too lol.
He is the exact same with his birth family, I think if I was not around to remind him to visit his parents he probably would never go because he finds it very stressful and literally needs days to recover from it, his mother gets upset with him but if she understood I'm sure the relationship would improve. For some reason I seem to be the 1 person he can live with and we have been living together for 4 years now and we motor along very well. I realise Aspergers is not curable and lol I'd hate him to be cured and I don't see anything wrong with him. I do believe he would benefit greatly if professional help was sought, not just for others but for his own well being and self worth and just for someone who is qualified to tell him there is nothing wrong with him and that he is not lacking.

I will show him the postings when we discuss it properly and see what he thinks. I won't be going behind his back or anything and I know he will not be offended or upset with me either.

Thanks so much for your response. Helped me understand a little more and I will definitely follow your advise. Thank you for the offer too, if any questions when I talk to him or if he has will post.

Much appreciated:)