Trying to conceive - but facing bereavement

Phyrea

Hi all,

I'm not really sure if this is the right place to post this question. Sometimes I feel its easier to ask strangers for advice, and I can't bear the thought of speaking to my family about this.

Myself and my husband were very excited about starting a family and were going to try have baby soon. Sadly my dad, whom I love to absolute bits, won't be with us in the future. I don't know how long we have, and I hope its a long time.

I can't imagine bringing a baby into this world without my father around to welcome him/her. I genuinely do not think I could face the grief of experiencing that joy and not having daddy there. So myself and my husband are discussing trying to get pregnant now. I know there are many variables and that I may not get pregnant quickly, and I'd also have to face the possibility of daddy not making it through my pregnancy. However, if he was there, it would be the most wonderful day in the world and baby will give me a reason to wake up every morning, when the awful day comes.

On the other hand, I'm concerned about enduring such grief during pregnancy if he didn't make it. I'm also concerned about how I'd feel if I try and I can't get pregnant. There are just so many things, I can't name them all. I'm afraid my life will be filled with regret if I don't try, and I'm afraid of what might happen if I do.

I'm just looking for some friendly advice here guys. Please don't judge me, I'm just all over the place and perhaps some of you might not understand, and perhaps some of you will.

stickybean

Phyrea wrote: »

Hi all,

I'm not really sure if this is the right place to post this question. Sometimes I feel its easier to ask strangers for advice, and I can't bear the thought of speaking to my family about this.

Myself and my husband were very excited about starting a family and were going to try have baby soon. Sadly my dad, whom I love to absolute bits, won't be with us in the future. I don't know how long we have, and I hope its a long time.

I can't imagine bringing a baby into this world without my father around to welcome him/her. I genuinely do not think I could face the grief of experiencing that joy and not having daddy there. So myself and my husband are discussing trying to get pregnant now. I know there are many variables and that I may not get pregnant quickly, and I'd also have to face the possibility of daddy not making it through my pregnancy. However, if he was there, it would be the most wonderful day in the world and baby will give me a reason to wake up every morning, when the awful day comes.

On the other hand, I'm concerned about enduring such grief during pregnancy if he didn't make it. I'm also concerned about how I'd feel if I try and I can't get pregnant. There are just so many things, I can't name them all. I'm afraid my life will be filled with regret if I don't try, and I'm afraid of what might happen if I do.

I'm just looking for some friendly advice here guys. Please don't judge me, I'm just all over the place and perhaps some of you might not understand, and perhaps some of you will.

Hi Phyrea,

Firstly I am very sad to hear about you predicament, it is truly heart breaking.

I have never been in this situation, but can only imagine how tough it is. If it was me I would try to separate the two. You father being ill and you and your husband starting a family.

If you guys are ready and know a child is what you want I would start trying to conceive. As you said (and have probably read on here) sometimes trying to conceive can be a long challenging journey, which may be short but in some cases can be a long road.

If your father did pass away while you were pregnant that would be awful, and really hard to deal with, but you and your husband and extended family would deal with the grief together and get through it as a family.

I can't speak for your dad, but I know that my dad would not like me to not try if he was ill, if anything he would be delighted knowing we are starting our own family.

Sorry I can't be more helpful pet x But please feel free to come and hear and discuss with the rest of the TTCer's

I wish you the very best of luck xxx

Neyite

I've been where you are though not TTC at the time.

I can only say that you will come up against times where intimacy is comforting and soothing for you emotionally, so if that means saying you are "not trying, not preventing" until down the line, just having lots of sex without getting too caught up on charting or monitoring, it might just be the perfect stress release for you. But why not play it by ear, if you feel that its getting too much at certain times then back off a bit.

tinkerbell

Hi OP, I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, that is truly heartbreaking

I don't think you should wait to start trying for a baby if you and your husband are ready to start now and would start now if your dad was ok. You don't know how long it will take you to get pregnant, you don't know how long your dad will be around for either. He may even be around for longer than you think and you may even get pregnant really quick. Start when you're ready to do so.

2rkehij30qtza5

Really sorry to hear about your dad op.

However, let me just say that there will never be a perfect time to conceive, whether your dad was sick or not.

Bringing a baby into the world is one of the most joyous things and it changes your whole outlook on life. If you got pregnant I'm sure your dad will be overjoyed to know he will have a grand baby, whether he is around or not at the time of its birth. A baby for him would be the continuation of his line, his ancestors and that's a very special thing.

However, do bear in mind that not everyone gets pregnant easily and with pregnancy comes miscarriages etc. It's not always an easy road. It has it's ups and downs too.

I went through trauma in my last pregnancy and my baby was fine. I remember researching it at the time and I read that all the women who were pregnant and whose partners/husbands died in 9/11, went on to have healthy babies despite the grief and trauma they endured.

If a baby is healthy enough and is meant to be anyway, then that baby will come through the impacts of grief. If the baby didn't make it, then that baby would not have made it anyway, regardless of grief.

My advice would be to go for it without getting too hung up on it. If it happens, it happens & if it does happen, then it was meant to be. What's for you won't pass you! Good luck and I hope things are ok for you with your dad and the trauma of what you are going through right now.

Phyrea

Thank you all guys. I know there is no right or wrong answer here, and everything seems like heartbreak. I appreciate so much the time you took to share your thoughts. What I think may be the right thing to do here is what Neyite said "not trying, not preventing". Maybe its best to just go with the flow but not really count days or monitor whats going on, then as galwaygirlee said if its meant to be, it will happen.

My mind can't even fathom what the grief of this would be like, and I can only hope that I can make it through. Then of course as many of the posters here have said, the road to conceiving is full of ups and downs too. Yep, well I think the best thing to do right now, is look at it as a form of stress relief, I'll remove the "prevention" aspect and see where life goes. I'm a firm believer that expectations are at the root of suffering and if I keep thinking daddy will make it I might ruin myself, but how does one go about bracing themselves for the loss of a parent? I just have no idea.

Neyite

You cant really prepare, but if they become ill, you may find you do most of your grieving when you see their decline in health as they become more infirm. When you see someone suffering and lingering, your wish, even though it breaks your heart, is that they pass away peacefully. Missing them is sometimes easier than watching them suffer, because you love them so much.

Its also good to bear in mind that your father will take comfort in knowing he has "done his job" as a dad so to speak and that you will be ok when he goes. That you are loved and looked after by a kind man, and that you experience the joy that children will bring you.

Lils1982

My heart goes out to you.
My mum was diagnosed with a terminal illness a year ago. We tried to conceive but it hasn't happened for us yet. Although I was disappointed it meant I had the time and energy to nurse my mum. I couldn't have done this if I was pregnant.

I am one of 4 girls and my sister got pregnant when my mum fell ill. It gave us such hope and the baby is a delight for us all.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I hope that things happened the way they were meant to this year
My mum passed away st Christmas and it so tough but family and friends make it bearable. Remember no one knows the time or day ...try to stay positive your dad could exceed all expectations

Phyrea

I've just re-read all of your comments and the tears just won't stop. I can't believe that I posted this in January of this year. We went for the approach of "not trying, but not preventing" and I didn't get pregnant. Sadly Daddy passed away on the 1st of May. It ended up being so sudden in the end, I didn't watch him get more infirm or significantly worsen. He had a brilliant day and was sowing spuds and had taken a trip to get coal and had a lovely big dinner, but just after midnight the tumour ruptured and he was gone.

I thought I'd have so much more time, and I don't think it's really sunk in yet. I still want my family, because Daddy had two girls who loved him so much and we had a wonderful family, with its ups and downs of course (doesn't every family?). Dunno what to do now. One thing I do know is that life is too short, but I don't want to use having a baby as a coping mechanism, and indeed it might not even happen. 6 months of no contraception and no pregnancy, something may be wrong, or maybe my body is trying to tell me something.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you guys again for your kind words. Lils1982.. I'm so sorry for your loss but you give me hope, you're still going months later and saying it can be bearable with support from family and friends helps.

Hello Lady!

Phyrea, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your Dad, god rest his soul. But so lovely to hear of his last day. You must always take comfort in knowing he was happy and unafraid.

6 mths trying is really not much, and added to this the stress of your dad being unwell and then losing him is bound to have an effect.

I would say, keep doing as you are, not trying but not preventing and in another 6 mths if still nothing then think about next steps.

You seem very logical and practical and I am sure that a baby won't be a 'coping mechanism' well not in a bad way anyway. It will be a blessing sent from your dad.

My mum is gone almost 14 years and I still miss her every day, but I find it much easier to remember her with happiness rather than the heartbreaking pain I felt in the first few years. It does take time, and it never goes away, but you learn to cope and get on with it and in time you find happiness and comfort again when thinking about them. When I found out I was pregnant after 4 years of trying and a cycle of IVF I was so happy but it was bittersweet as the only person I really wanted to share the news with was my mam. I came home, hugged my husband and then burst into tears, not of joy but of heartache as I just missed her so much at that moment. These babies will be the only grandchildren on our side, so no one else in my family knows the joy of finding out you are pregnant. But my mum would have. She too had difficulties conceiving and I would so have loved to have been able to tell her the news and share it with her. But I comfort myself by telling myself that my little babies are her gift to me and she doesn't have to be here to know every emotion, feeling, worry I have, because she knows exactly all those things from where she is, and she will protect my little babies right through this pregnancy and see me through it too.

As you say, life is short, don't live wondering what if or with regret.

Love and hugs to you and your family. Take strength from your loved ones and their support. Take time to heal, and take as long as you need. There is no pressure on you right now to do anything, so just see what life brings. It might surprise you with some wonderful joy amidst all the heartache.