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Sexist mothers at toddler group

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  • 25-01-2013 4:54pm
    #1
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭


    Just wondering if anyone has had problem at a Parent and toddler group with some mothers not being happy with Dads attending?
    I was confronted today and one of the mothers told me she didn't mind my partner coming but she'd rather it was just mothers. Now he's not the only dad that comes and it actually upset me that she pulled me aside. She even offered to tell him herself not to come!!


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    #2
    dave1982
    Registered Users Posts: 4,604 ✭✭✭dave1982


    Not a regular poster in here but you're thread title caught my eye.

    As a parent and male myself I'd consider parent toddler groups to be mainly mothers attend so I'd be uncomfortable to go there so I can only imagine how your husband felt when it was put to him that its mother only,it must have been awkward enough for him besides putting up with that BS


    Actually its a Parent toddler group not a mother toddler group.


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    #3
    lazygal
    Registered Users Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    Does she run the group? On what authority is she 'laying down the law'?


    I go, infrequently mind, to two play mornings near me. There's a small but significant cohort of dads at both, along with au pairs, minders, grannies and mums. If I was told my husband shouldn't come I'd ask quite simply why. Or else I'd be thinking a group like that wouldn't be for me. I like a mix of adults around when I bring the wee lass out and about.


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    #4
    MintyDoris
    Registered Users Posts: 435 ✭✭MintyDoris


    That's an absolute disgrace! I would be fuming

    I haven't come across this attitude in this scenario but I saw a LOT of sexism against my partner in the hospital I gave birth in. He was treated like a complete nobody by most of the staff.

    For what its worth I admire your partner for going to the group with his child. He is the type that will slowly change the backward attitude shown towards him.


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    #5
    donegal.
    Registered Users Posts: 4,635 ✭✭✭donegal.


    i sometimes go, but because of work i'm not a regular. There's never any other men and i don't really know any of the women.
    But i'm always made to feel very welcome. and am included in any chat as its mostly about toddlers/babys , things like sleeping, feeding, behavior, development , even breastfeeding.:eek: Most of the women there realise that dads know as much about parenting as mums.


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    #6
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    Thanks for the replies everyone, there are other fathers that go too and nothing was said to them or their partners! I'm a youngish mum at 23 and I admit I can be sensitive about things at times! I didn't know what to even say, I actually got quite upset and was so embarrassed as I started crying!
    I just wanted to see if anyone has had this experience as its really getting to me.
    There is a group of women which "run" the group and she's one of them, but everybody is involved and has their say so no she definatly doesn't own the group although she seems to think she does!!


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    #7
    CarMe
    Registered Users Posts: 677 ✭✭✭CarMe


    Oh my god Im shocked bye disgusted by that, I would have lost the rag with her altogether. I think it's great that it's becoming more acceptable for dads to be more hands on, idiot people like her are a brutal reminder that we're not quite there yet though!


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    #8
    CarMe
    Registered Users Posts: 677 ✭✭✭CarMe


    Lola18 wrote: »
    Thanks for the replies everyone, there are other fathers that go too and nothing was said to them or their partners! I'm a youngish mum at 23 and I admit I can be sensitive about things at times! I didn't know what to even say, I actually got quite upset and was so embarrassed as I started crying!
    I just wanted to see if anyone has had this experience as its really getting to me.
    There is a group of women which "run" the group and she's one of them, but everybody is involved and has their say so no she definatly doesn't own the group although she seems to think she does!!
    I was 23 when I had my little one and I can remember about ten times having stupid ignorant comments by stupid ignorant people when I went back to work and my partner stayed home.
    I would seriously either keep bringing him/let him take the child alone, or find somewhere else to go.
    These years are precious and it'd be totally unfair for your partner to miss out because of this horrible woman.


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    #9
    biko
    Registered Users Posts: 81,220 ✭✭✭✭biko


    Talk to the person in charge of the group. If they say yes, which they will, then it's ok and the woman you spoke to can find another group if she's not ok with it.
    No biggie.


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    #10
    juan.kerr
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,766 ✭✭✭juan.kerr


    efb wrote: »
    I don't think it's suitable conversation for a toddler group!

    Exactly. I think theses groups could do with some male supervision to keep things i order.


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    #11
    Froyo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 93 ✭✭Froyo


    biko wrote: »
    Talk to the person in charge of the group. If they say yes, which they will, then it's ok and the woman you spoke to can find another group if she's not ok with it.
    No biggie.

    Well, it is a biggie - the fact that this attitude exists at all in such a forum.

    This kind of attitude towards men is a lot more prominent than people care to realise.

    If it was the other way around there would be outrage.

    I would definitely talk to whoever runs the group.

    This is totally unacceptable.


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    #12
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,684 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    Can o' worms there OP.

    From a dad's perspective....

    I have probably been to toddler groups at least 100 times at this stage and I've encountered zero hostility from the mammies at any time.

    I do feel sometimes that the dads on the other hand are not particularly open. What I put this down to is that some of them feel a bit embarassed about being there. But when I look back on it, I dont remember even one single occasion when another dad struck up a conversation with me at these things.


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    #13
    Tombo2001
    Registered Users Posts: 6,684 ✭✭✭Tombo2001


    MintyDoris wrote: »
    I haven't come across this attitude in this scenario but I saw a LOT of sexism against my partner in the hospital I gave birth in. He was treated like a complete nobody by most of the staff.


    I would say I was treated like a complete nobody in the maternity ward but to be honest, the nurses have more to do than to be worrying about the dads feelings.....I wouldnt call that sexism.....I'd just call it having more important things to do.


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    #14
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    OP, she is singling out your partner, as you say that other dads attend, so I would ask to speak to ALL the organisers together, and demand to know why.

    Did they all agree on approaching you on this? If so, are they speaking to all the men about it? If its only your partner, was there a complaint made, and if so, what was the nature of the complaint.

    She has an awful neck on her to be honest.


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    #15
    MistyCheese
    Registered Users Posts: 4,005 ✭✭✭MistyCheese


    This woman may have been singling out the OP if she is one of the younger members of the group. Maybe bossy-breeches thinks the OP will be easier to pick on and the other mums with partners there will tell her to shove off and mind her own business.

    Lola18, if she says it again try to calmly respond "That's nice. Well I'd prefer if he did come" and walk away. You don't have to justify your partners prescence if he's perfectly entitled to be there. Maybe this women would love for her own partner to be there and is a bit jealous that you have yours as support.


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    #16
    doolox
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,350 ✭✭✭doolox


    ...as more and more men find conventional employment cut off from them and women find more and more opportunities to commercialise their skills.

    Two huge areas of growth in the modern economy are elder care and call centre related jobs, bith of which are eminently suitable to women.

    Construction, an area dominated by men is only a fraction of its former inflated size and also financial related jobs are gone as well.

    People in general will have to accept men in family roles roles formerly dominated by women.


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    #17
    lounakin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 699 ✭✭✭lounakin


    I am fuming reading this post! I can't believe this woman is so thick and blind not to understand the implication of her comment! Parent and baby groups are support for a difficult and sometimes lonely time in parents' life, they are supposed to be a safe, open-minded place where young children can meet others and become sociable, pleasant beings... she has it all backwards, I'm surprised she didn't laugh at the sound of her own stupidity. But it does happen sometimes... that those who are supposed to be embracing turn out to be the most obtuse.


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    #18
    StupidLikeAFox
    Registered Users Posts: 7,711 ✭✭✭StupidLikeAFox


    dave1982 wrote: »
    Not a regular poster in here but you're thread title caught my eye.

    Me too, thought it said "Sexiest mothers at toddler group", oh well! :)


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    #19
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    Through another girl in the group I've found out that her problem is intact just wit my partner going as he knows her partner so she can't say what she wants incase it gets back to her partner!
    I'm actually really upset over it as I would of considered her to be a friend! She has now deleted me on Facebook too which I'm finding soo childish I just want to sort this all out!!


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    #20
    lounakin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 699 ✭✭✭lounakin


    Lola18 wrote: »
    Through another girl in the group I've found out that her problem is intact just wit my partner going as he knows her partner so she can't say what she wants incase it gets back to her partner!
    I'm actually really upset over it as I would of considered her to be a friend! She has now deleted me on Facebook too which I'm finding soo childish I just want to sort this all out!!
    There you have it! She's just a selfish person, she didn't want your partner there purely for her own comfort. Selfish and childish, I wouldn't waste time with her any more! But I bet this group was convenient for you and now you have to either go out of your way to find another or go and have this needless tension between you.


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    #21
    kirving
    Registered Users Posts: 5,991 ✭✭✭kirving


    So, she's basically just looking for a place to bitch about her husband. Sounds like a lovely person altogether.


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    #22
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    Yeah I want to continue to go and avoid communication wit her really, I don't work and don't drive, Im in college most of the week which is why my partner brings him and sometimes we both might go! I don't see any reason why I should give in and stop going just to please her! I just can't wait for the next comitee meeting so I can present the issue properly! I'm usually one who would roll over and take it and never go back but it's only my lil boy who'll suffer if I do that as he has friends in the group now


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    #23
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Lola18 wrote: »
    Through another girl in the group I've found out that her problem is intact just wit my partner going as he knows her partner so she can't say what she wants incase it gets back to her partner!
    I'm actually really upset over it as I would of considered her to be a friend! She has now deleted me on Facebook too which I'm finding soo childish I just want to sort this all out!!

    Perfect. She is the one with the problem, not you. Anyway what sort of a gossip is she that she's telling things to all the ladies of the village that she doesnt want her own hubby to know?
    Stick with it.


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    #24
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Don't even consider stopping. I think I would say to the group at the next meeting at x asked my partner to stop coming and ask if anyone else has a problem with men being there. Show her up for what she is.


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    #25
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Don't even consider stopping. I think I would say to the group at the next meeting at x asked my partner to stop coming and ask if anyone else has a problem with men being there. Show her up for what she is.

    Exactly what I'm planning on doing :) I don't want to be causing hassle but I don't deserve to be spoken down to and made feel like a fool when the group is supposed to be helpful for parents


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    #26
    dublinlady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,992 ✭✭✭dublinlady


    Totally ridiculous way to be treated - don't accept it! Can't wait to hear how u get on! Stupid interfering old fashioned sexist auld bag!


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    #27
    Owryan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,024 ✭✭✭Owryan


    I ve stopped bringing my 3 to a parent toddler group for similar reasons. Between the cold shoulders and the sly remarks about being a dad I just got sick of it .


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    #28
    lounakin
    Closed Accounts Posts: 699 ✭✭✭lounakin


    Owryan wrote: »
    I ve stopped bringing my 3 to a parent toddler group for similar reasons. Between the cold shoulders and the sly remarks about being a dad I just got sick of it .
    That's a real shame! I'm trying to create a group in the city centre (widely unpopular!), if I'm successful, it will be opened to anyone with a child! Fathers would be encouraged to come!


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    #29
    pwurple
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,449 ✭✭✭✭pwurple


    Owryan wrote: »
    I ve stopped bringing my 3 to a parent toddler group for similar reasons. Between the cold shoulders and the sly remarks about being a dad I just got sick of it .

    That's an utter disgrace. So sorry you encountered that. The groups we go to have loads of dads and they are more than welcome. The mums are often even outnumbered by dads.


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    #30
    Owryan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,024 ✭✭✭Owryan


    lounakin wrote: »
    That's a real shame! I'm trying to create a group in the city centre (widely unpopular!), if I'm successful, it will be opened to anyone with a child! Fathers would be encouraged to come!

    Ah this was in Carlow. Pity is that its a great set up but there is a clique that make it miserable for many others


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    #31
    Lola18
    Closed Accounts Posts: 152 ✭✭Lola18


    Owryan wrote: »

    Ah this was in Carlow. Pity is that its a great set up but there is a clique that make it miserable for many others

    Oh there's a clique in my one too but I just try to get on with everyone. She said that men should go to a pub to socialise...I think it's great to see fathers at these groups!! She has now said "let's be ladies not knackers" I fuming!!!


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