At 35 childless and thinking of divorce

scobysnacks

I really need some solid advice as my life is in a mess. Sorry in advance for the long winded story.

I'm married to Brazilian man. We met in Australia six years ago and lived there as I was fortunate enough to get a sponsored visa. However, I got bullied really badly in work. It really effected my performance and in the end I lost my job, with that my visa.

So I moved to Brazil with my husband over a year and a half ago. My husband got a good job, but I have never really settled in. I have had major difficulties learning the language and haven't been able to find a job, except low paid English teaching work (I earn about €600 a month). I have really tried to make it work but living in a developing country in a violent and ugly city(nowhere near a beach) is just too hard.

On top of that, I have a negative equity mortgage in Ireland joint with my mother. It costs me about €400 a month to meet the shortfall on the rent and all the other taxes/charges. It really puts a huge strain on me financially.

My husband has also finally admitted that he doesn't want children after years of giving excuses. The news has devastated me.

He is totally unwilling to compromise with the child issue or move to another country, where we could both be happy. I know that I can't continue to live the way I do but am terrified of leaving him. For the following reasons:

- I do really love my husband.
- I haven't worked in an official job related to my career in over two years and in Ireland in over six years. There are no jobs in my field at the moment. I won't be entitled to any welfare to help me out in the beginning.
- All of my Irish friends are married with kids. They never really go out anymore, just on couple dates.I'm afraid that I will be really lonely.
- I do want kids. I am average looking and now 35.Men in their 30's want to date women in their 20's, men in their 40's want to date women in their 20's, so if I'm lucky and actually get to date someone he will possibly in his 50's and possibly a divorcee with teenage children. I really don't want to date someone closer to my father's age than mine.
-My apartment is in a rough and isolated part of Dublin,not a great area for an older single woman.

I really don't know what to do. I am so confused. Is there any chance that I could make it work in Dublin, or should I just resign to my fate in Brazil? I wish that my husband would compromise but after giving him numerous opportunities I have given up. I would love to hear from people with similar stories who have seen light at the end of the tunnel cause right now I am in a very dark place.

Lux23

I think you have a really tough decision ahead of you and to be honest I can't offer you much advice. However, please don't make any decision based on the fact that you think at 35 you are somehow over the hill. I am in my 30s and my boyfriend is still in his twenties so there are men who of your age that will be interested in you.

Is there any way your husband may consider coming to Dublin? There are lots of Brazilians here and depending on his skills plenty of jobs for people with a second language?

scobysnacks

There's not a chance of him moving. He had a really hard time in Australia finding work and ending up working as a labour most of the time. Here in Brazil he has secured himself a nice middle management role in a multinational. He's also about to start an MBA which will last two years. I've asked him if he would even consider looking for postions overseas within his company and he refuses. He is happy here.

What about jobs in Dublin. I know that it will be impossible to get anything like what I did in Australia, or the salary (I worked in marketing). What about temp or low level jobs? Are they even around?

scobysnacks

And what about social lives? Even when I go back to Dublin for a visit it's hard to get my friends out the door. Are their groups where I could meet other single girls of a similar age group who want to socialise together?

Lux23

I work in Marketing/PR and it can be hard, but if you have a second language and digital experience then it's not as hard as one would expect. As for your social life, well I guess you will have to work hard to start making new friends.

You will be starting again to a certain extent so it is a big step for you.

Honey-ec

You have a very tough decision to make OP, and I don't envy you. All I can say to you is to lay everything on both sides of the equation out on paper, write the best and worst case scenarios for both out and see if the scales comes down more heavily on one side than the other.

Yes, if you move back to Dublin you potentially have a very hard few months ahead of you while you find your feet financially, professionally and emotionally. But you do have family and friends here who can help you make the transition. Then what? You have the potential for a whole new future ahead of you, one that may involve the possibility of happiness and children with a new man. It might not happen either, nothing is certain, but the potential is there.

Or, you stay in Brazil. Look down that road another five years. You're still childess. But now you're 40 instead of 35. You're resenting your husband for getting everything on his own terms and nothing on yours. What are you going to do then?

dannyc31

- I do really love my husband.

OP does your Husband still really love you? i know you might think thats an easy enough question to answer but to answer that "yes of course he does he is still with me", is not really good enough.

did you make it clear when the relationship got serious that you wanted children one day? if his answer was to fob you off and say yeah yeah one day we will, then that is a really selfish & heartless thing to do on his part. he is clearly only thinking about his own needs and is happy just to have you there in toe to follow his every needs.

this is often a reason alot of relationships end, one person wants children and the other does not and i think its perfectly fine for this to happen. what would be worse would be if he just went along with it and really didnt want children because there might be a high risk of the whole thing falling apart anyway only now you would have a baby to worry about too. do you really want to complicate your life anymore?

All of my Irish friends are married with kids. They never really go out anymore, just on couple dates.I'm afraid that I will be really lonely.
- I do want kids. I am average looking and now 35.Men in their 30's want to date women in their 20's, men in their 40's want to date women in their 20's, so if I'm lucky and actually get to date someone he will possibly in his 50's and possibly a divorcee with teenage children. I really don't want to date someone closer to my father's age than mine.
-My apartment is in a rough and isolated part of Dublin,not a great area for an older single woman.

these are all assumptions you have made here, genuine fears but fears none the less, one being the most common "what if i end up alone?" seriously this fear handicaps so many people into changing their lives for the better but from my experience those people who face that fear head on suceed. the other assumptions about what men want also cant apply to all men everyone is different and wants different things in life you just need to focus on finding someone who wants the same things as you.

no-one hear is really gonna tell what you should do, you need to decide that for yourself. you might still love your husband and you may always do, but what do you want for your own life to truly make you happy, thats the most important thing. if you believe that to be children and he is not willing to budge then i cant see how things can work out.

on the social thing, of course you can find people and meet people, think of anyone you've ever met who travelled around the world alone what is the one thing they always say "i just met so many people on the way". people are social creatures so if you are feeling you dont want to be alone in your apartment in Dublin you can be dam sure there are many others singletons feeling the same. you just need to put yourself out there dive head on into those situations & meet people simple as that. do research online, look for clubs or groups of people with similar interests to yourself and join them.

but first of all you need to sit down wit your husband explain you are not happy, that you're serious that you would not be happy to remain childless and see if there is any compromise you can come too. but be serious and dont let him fob you off anymore. if it ends you would still have plenty of time to meet someone else and have children in your late 30's.

feargale

I wonder if some people here are in too fast with a go or stay answer ( mostly go ) ? You are clearly torn between two very strong feelings. The first thought that occurs to me is marriage counselling. Decide after that.

dellas1979

The long and the short of it is, what will make you happy ?(he seems to be only interested in/doing what is making him happy). He isnt considering your happiness at all.

Do you love him enough for him to deny (it seems all of a sudden to you) you children? Or do you love yourself enough to take a chance in being happy somewhere/someone else?

cantdecide

feargale wrote: »

You are clearly torn between two very strong feelings. The first thought that occurs to me is marriage counselling. Decide after that.

+1

How much does your OH know about your current state, OP?

On the assumption that he can't be blissfully ignorant knows about your major concerns about your career/ prospects/ family/ life over there, does he know his marriage is in real jeopardy?

Even if he relented and you decided to have a child together, you have to ask yourself if the other factors at work would eventually break the marriage apart anyway?

Like a lot of other posters, OP, it looks to me like you may be too unhappy with your lot over there for something not to change. At this stage, the only advice I would give you is to de-couple the issues. The two big questions are. in this order 1) is your marriage and life in Brazil over of your OH won't compromise? and 2) what is at home for you if you decide home is where you need to be and 2a) is there somewhere else that can offer you some kind of future if you decide that your life over there is at an end. Don't put the cart before the horse and end up staying and being miserable just to avoid a period of potential hardship here.

Don't forget that you, personally, are still free to leave without the issue of children and this is an advantage.

honeybunnny

i really feel for you but at the end of the day you need to think of yourself.theres plenty of nice men out there dont be too hung up on age not every man wants someone years younger theres plenty of men who are toy boys.if he really really loved you hed want to have a child with you.maby thers other issues have you asked him can he have children?i would you never know it could be a way of getting out of telling you.anyway dont waste time with him i truely believe if he loved you enough hed want a baby with you,shore whats the point in being married?

Tmeos

I feel for you too, I've recently been through a very bad break up but I have to tell you your situation does not sound like one with a happy outcome. At the moment all you can see is fear and negatives and I totally understand that, I was there. You will never understand the lightness and freedom that comes with taking back your life until you do it. It's been a massive revelation to me but again no one could have told me before I experienced it. I wish you luck and happiness

scobysnacks

Only yesterday when I went to pick something up for my husband I was faced with this rude man serving. He refused to help me and carried on watching TV and ignored me. As I walked out he said under his breath " go home foreigner"- about the forth time someone has said something to that effect, and we think Ireland is bad! 95% of the foreigners leave here within two years, as it's too hardcore. However, the majority of the foreigners are American,so have 50 states to choose from, with plenty more opportunities and better weather than Ireland.

I am really torn. I've written down the pros and cons of living in both places. There are about the same. The major fear I have for moving back to Ireland is poverty, or at best getting some low paid job well below my abilities and experience and just surviving. Everyone seems to be leaving Ireland or just getting by. I don't know if moving back is making a bad situation worse. Sorry to be so negative. I just feel really down at the moment. How is Ireland? Do you think it's getting any better or will remain in depression for some time yet?

clairefontaine

Right now you are able to leave beacuse you don't have a child.

If you had a child, you could leave but you'd have to leave teh child behind in Brazil.

I know what I would do.

Also, you dont necessarily have to move back to Ireland. You can go anywhere in the EU [while the EU still exists.]

ElleEm

OP, I really feel for you. Your head must be all over the place.

The tone of your messages give off that you are really unhappy, so you KNOW living in Brazil is making you unhappy. You don't know that you would feel any worse living in Ireland.

You can make new friends back home. You will feel more comfortable in the country you know and understand. You could meet someone who could make you happy and has the same dreams as you.

If your situation is likely to stay the same in Brazil (and you seem to think it will) then you run the risk of feeling like this forever, or until you get p!ssed off enough to leave, which could be when you're 50, and any chance of having your own baby is out the window.

You need to decide whether staying with the man you love is enough to keep you in this state of unhappiness.

Eve_Dublin

scobysnacks wrote: »

Only yesterday when I went to pick something up for my husband I was faced with this rude man serving. He refused to help me and carried on watching TV and ignored me. As I walked out he said under his breath " go home foreigner"- about the forth time someone has said something to that effect, and we think Ireland is bad! 95% of the foreigners leave here within two years, as it's too hardcore. However, the majority of the foreigners are American,so have 50 states to choose from, with plenty more opportunities and better weather than Ireland.

I am really torn. I've written down the pros and cons of living in both places. There are about the same. The major fear I have for moving back to Ireland is poverty, or at best getting some low paid job well below my abilities and experience and just surviving. Everyone seems to be leaving Ireland or just getting by. I don't know if moving back is making a bad situation worse. Sorry to be so negative. I just feel really down at the moment. How is Ireland? Do you think it's getting any better or will remain in depression for some time yet?

Hi OP. Just a quick question: why have you your heart set on Ireland so much? I live in Spain with plenty of work for English teachers (but not much work otherwise, unfortunately). If I was in your shoes and decided to move, I´d move somewhere brand new for a fresh new start.

And I´d really try and work on my Portuguese while I was there. You say you´re struggling but I´d make the most of the time you have. Perhaps teaching English in Portugal could be an option.

I´m sorry you're in this situation and I hope whatever you do makes you happy ultimately.

scobysnacks

My Portuguese is very weak.I have tried pretty hard, but unfortunately don't have an ear for languages. On a good day I am a lower intermediate level. I don't have the total emersion thing, as I teach English and all my friends are expats (it's very hard to make friends with Brazilians). It's not like foreigners who come to Ireland and work in bars, cafes etc. Then one learns English quickly. I am not speaking Portuguese much beyond the very basic stuff.

I'm not sure that I would really want to teach English if I leave Brazil. I don't enjoy it and just do it as there are no other options. I don't have any desire to move to the UK. Are there any other countries in Europe where one could get a professional job without speaking the local language , perhaps the Netherlands? Also, is there any recruitment company worth sending my CV to, really just to see if I have any chance. I have been out of the job market for over two years now. I am willing to go back and study for a year or so to up my skills but I am worried about being too old.

CaraMay

What about Dubai?

December2012

Forget about work, and language, and nulls for a minute.

I am wondering if all of these problems are magnified because of your unhappy home life?

To be told that children will not be in your life is huge to you.

To feel unhappy by a man you love is huge.

Can your husband and you go to a relationship therapist to work on your own communication and relationship issues?

That is the least traumatic of any options you have discussed so far.

If you and he were happy, you *might* find that you can understand his reluctance to have children, it is *possible* he might change his mind - although dont get your hopes up because its probably as likely as you changing your mind about children. For the sake of your relationship, one if you will have to change.

But your relationship and your confidence need some building. Don't put yourself down over previous job experiences. It must be hard living in an unfriendly place and going home to a husband that doesn't care, or doesn't make you feel he cares.

I'm not saying stay at all costs, but I think the first thing you should look at is your marriage. If that doesn't work you can then move on with a clearer head in time.

LegacyUser

OP, as a 35 yo Brazilian living in Ireland for 10 years now who went through a very similar decision as the one you are facing now, lots of things came to my mind as I read your post - this might be long, so please bear with me I will address this in 2 posts and try to decouple your issues/questions as suggested by a previous poster.

1. Feeling isolated in Brazil/Settling in

1a. Language. You say you have been struggling with learning Portuguese and you “don’t have an ear for languages, like the foreigners that come to Ireland and quickly learn English”

Most foreigners that come to Ireland have studied at least 3-4 years of English in their home country before they arrive here. And they still have a “broken English” upon arriving to Ireland. But they don’t start from scratch when they land here! I studied English for 8 years, lived in the USA, passed English proficiency tests (Michigan, TOEFL, etc) and I still struggle with accents/grammar/spelling and I still drive my Irish friends mad with “pardon? Say that again? What was that again?”

So don’t be so hard on yourself!! Portuguese is an extremely difficult language and unless you study and practice it like 6 hours daily with a private teacher, or you already know some other latin language (a lot of Americans who go to Brazil did take Spanish all through their primary and secondary school, making it a whole lot easier for them) you are not going to be perfectly fluent in Portuguese within one year. However it is doable, if this is what you are committed to.

It is a huge barrier, the language problem. I lived for a while in Japan and could barely say “my name is...” in their language, and the feeling of isolation and vulnerability that this give us is horrible. So in short, if you do decide to stay in Brazil, try to get a private teacher and/or enroll in an intensive program of classes, lose your fear of making mistakes when practicing the language (I reckon that is one of the reasons why kids learn languages so much quicker), try to find native friends (a lot of Brazilians are dying to practice their English with a native speaker so you could try to look up online for language swapping groups, where you chat a bit in English to them and they chat back in Portuguese to you) and please, please, do not say “you are no good at it”, because a language is a skill, and anyone can learn a skill with the right approach and time.

1b. Settling in. In my experience, settling in a new country takes time, patience and a certain amount of resignation, and although having lived in 3 countries as you did does give you flexibility and open-“mindedness” towards cultural aspects, it also means you know better than the locals about a lot of things that could be improved in everyday life in the country.

It is very hard to avoid comparing the best of the other countries to the worst of the country you live in, but that is a recipe for unhappiness. It’s like comparing the annoying habits of our current boyfriend with the few amazing things our ex used to do, and totally forget about the cool things about out new boyfriend and the hateful things about the ex.

Eg. “What the hell am I doing in Ireland, it’s Sunday and I can’t believe how grey and cold and wet and gloomy it is outside, while all my friends in Brazil are at the beach, or riding their bikes in the sun and dancing”

But I can also think it in a more positive approach, “It’s great being in Ireland, last night I walked back home alone from the pub and didn’t have to worry about getting mugged/ raped like I would in Brazil”


2. 35 yo, kids etc

It is an issue for all of us women at this age, whose partners don’t want to have kids, or for those of us who didn’t even get a partner yet. Plus a lot of friends are already with kids and we feel like you said, “will never find anyone else” etc etc.

My suggestion to that is: have you been perfectly clear with your husband, as in “I will walk away if we don’t have kids/it is a deal-breaker for me” ? A lot of Brazilian/latin men are big babies who will try to delay and postpone any grown up decision for as long as they can get away with, as they love the “bachelor” type of life. You might have to give him an ultimatum and until you do, he might not realise how serious you are about the whole thing.

As you probably learned by now, Brazilians can be awfully sneaky and unreliable, and don’t usually mean what they say. A lot is said and needs to be read between the lines. So as long as you say “sweetie, kids are very important to me”, he might just think, “yeah yeah yeah when am I having beer with the guys again?”. He won’t wake up until you actually talk very seriously to him.

As for being hard to find another relationship after 35, it’s not as bad as people say, and in this aspect I reckon Brazil/Spain/US and probably Australia are much better than Ireland. My impression is that for several historical/sociological reasons that I won’t go in there’s a really ingrained idea of “getting married/buying a house/having kids” in Ireland that does make you feel quite isolated when you are the only one at 35 who is not in the same boat. As a friend of mine put it, “relationships are much more “fluid” in the tropics”.

[to be continued in the next post]

Katy89

scobysnacks wrote: »

Only yesterday when I went to pick something up for my husband I was faced with this rude man serving. He refused to help me and carried on watching TV and ignored me. As I walked out he said under his breath " go home foreigner"- about the forth time someone has said something to that effect, and we think Ireland is bad! 95% of the foreigners leave here within two years, as it's too hardcore. However, the majority of the foreigners are American,so have 50 states to choose from, with plenty more opportunities and better weather than Ireland.

I am really torn. I've written down the pros and cons of living in both places. There are about the same. The major fear I have for moving back to Ireland is poverty, or at best getting some low paid job well below my abilities and experience and just surviving. Everyone seems to be leaving Ireland or just getting by. I don't know if moving back is making a bad situation worse. Sorry to be so negative. I just feel really down at the moment. How is Ireland? Do you think it's getting any better or will remain in depression for some time yet?

omg, this is horrible.
I think you should ask yourself how long this should go on and what will be his next step. for me it reads as if he's already throwing you out.:eek:

see, Ireland is not in the best state at the moment, but isn't it better for you to be home and feel safe?
nobody will mutter these words to you in ireland.
the irish are nice in general, you will meet new people there and make new friends.
I read somewhere that you dread the weather... sorry, but if it's that what holding you back it can't be that bad ..really think about what's worse, being humiliated by a husband who obviously doesn't want you any more or going back to some rain (and believe me, there are worse weather conditions in many countries than Ireland).

also regarding work, if you are really willing to work, you'll find something. I don't know what your profesion is and I know there are not many high profile jobs out there at the moment, but if you're willing to work, for example in sales are many opportunities (look up jobs.ie), you'll find something.

and 35 is not to old to have a baby, still about 7 years time. it's a bit late, but many women have babies that late these days.

from all I can hear you're looking for excuses to leave your husband, but I think it doesn't make sense to stay with him, it could only get worse.
I wouldn't consider counselling anymore, if he's telling you to go home, it's very clear.

all the best

Katy89

forgot to mention, for the first time when coming back and searching for a job, you should be eligible to get social welfare, you're an irish citizen.

I'm not that familiar anymore if it has an effect you stayed abroad, it shouldn't, but they change so much these days. clear that to have some more safety and peace of mind financialwise when deciding to come back.

LegacyUser

Second part of my post

OP, all and all, it sounds like 1) your husband is not compromising in any aspect (he decided the country/kids/city etc) and you are feeling like the only one making sacrifices.

But being devil's advocate, the problem is also that 2) he has been your safe harbour during so many dramatic changes in your life, eg leaving your job, leaving Australia, moving to a developing country, finding a job in this country etc. So it’s hard now for you to know what your real potential and strengths are, and whether you would be capable (and happy) to walk with your own feet if you decide to leave him.

Which is perfectly understandable but can also be used as an excuse to unconsciously blame him/the country/the circumstances instead of taking responsibility for the changes ourselves (been there, done that)

So I guess the first thing would be:

1. Have a very serious talk with him about the kids issue. State it as clear as possible to him that it is a sort of a deal-breaker for you. If you think confronting/giving an ultimatum is not a good idea, go for marriage counselling (but if you are not in a capital city in Brazil this may be a bit difficult to find, especially if you don't speak fluent portuguese). The important thing is to be as clear as possible about this with him.

2. If he establishes he doesn’t want kids even if that means losing you, then you have a big decision in your hands – either stay with him and not have kids, or walk away and try to meet someone new and have kids. Both paths have its joys and challenges.

If you decide to stay with him, you must have a good chat with yourself and be conscious that this is *your* decision, so you won’t resent him in the future. Write down the “pros” and “cons” so you can go back to that in the future and remind yourself why you took said decision.

If you decide to leave him, which also means leaving your “world”/identity at the moment (country/everyday routine/support network/clothes/furniture/etc), you must be conscious there will be major practical and emotional challenges and moments of doubt, and again be honest to yourself that *you* chose that path so you don’t regret or feel like giving up and going back to him when hard times come.
You will have to reinvent yourself from scratch. That can be fascinating, but is not easy and won’t be done without a lot of pain involved.

Also please be aware that after leaving abroad for so many years, going back to Ireland will *not* feel like "coming back home" and there will be a new period of settling in involved. It is not a magic solution at all, you will feel your friends have changed and your mind doesn't quite fit in as it used to.

There is not a right path and a wrong path. If you ask people for advice, depending on their background etc, they will be adamantly supportive of one path or the other. But you have to choose it yourself and only you will know what is right for you.

3. Then, lastly, there’s the country/friends/language/your career aspects. But I’d say you have a lot on your plate with 1 and 2 at the moment. But learning the language, getting new friends, learning about your options in other countries, figuring out how you would fit in the market/back into working in your field etc are all important things to address and will make the 1-2 decision easier and more realistic.

Best of luck!! It's tough but you have so many options ahead of you! In a way, you are spoiled for choice So keep it in mind that having so many choices/options is a great thing too

Meauldsegosha

Katy89 wrote: »

omg, this is horrible.
I think you should ask yourself how long this should go on and what will be his next step. for me it reads as if he's already throwing you out.:eek:

see, Ireland is not in the best state at the moment, but isn't it better for you to be home and feel safe?
nobody will mutter these words to you in ireland.
the irish are nice in general, you will meet new people there and make new friends.
I read somewhere that you dread the weather... sorry, but if it's that what holding you back it can't be that bad ..really think about what's worse, being humiliated by a husband who obviously doesn't want you any more or going back to some rain (and believe me, there are worse weather conditions in many countries than Ireland).

also regarding work, if you are really willing to work, you'll find something. I don't know what your profesion is and I know there are not many high profile jobs out there at the moment, but if you're willing to work, for example in sales are many opportunities (look up jobs.ie), you'll find something.

and 35 is not to old to have a baby, still about 7 years time. it's a bit late, but many women have babies that late these days.

from all I can hear you're looking for excuses to leave your husband, but I think it doesn't make sense to stay with him, it could only get worse.
I wouldn't consider counselling anymore, if he's telling you to go home, it's very clear.

all the best

Her husband didn't say "go home foreigner" it was a man serving her in the shop said it.

rainbowtrout

Katy89 wrote: »

forgot to mention, for the first time when coming back and searching for a job, you should be eligible to get social welfare, you're an irish citizen.

I'm not that familiar anymore if it has an effect you stayed abroad, it shouldn't, but they change so much these days. clear that to have some more safety and peace of mind financialwise when deciding to come back.

Irish people aren't automatically entitled to social welfare just because they are Irish. If they have been living abroad for a couple of years and haven't been paying a stamp here they are often entitled to nothing. Don't give advice like it's fact.


OP, you need to sit down with your husband and explain how you feel. See if there's any wriggle room on his side. Perhaps as other people have said try marriage counselling. If this is getting you nowhere, you may have to reassess your situation, what is most important to you: being married to your husband, having children, living in Ireland, and which combination do you want the most and which are you willing to sacrifice? E.g. if your husband agreed to having children (unlikely from what you say) are you willing to continue living in Brazil in the long term and raise the children there? If your husband does not yield on any of the issues you raise, are you willing to follow through and uproot to Ireland/elsewhere and start again or are you going to accept the situation and continue life as it is now? Because it doesn't sound like that's what you want to do.

_Kaiser_

To be honest, reading the OP, the last thing I'd be thinking about now is how to get into another relationship.

You're in a foreign country where you're not happy, have struggled to learn the language and fit in, and you have serious financial strain on top of that.

Even though you love your husband, it seems clear that it's his way alone. You need to decide if you want to spend potentially the rest of your life living as you are today.

If not, then you need to find a way to get out of there and presumably home - not that Ireland is the land of opportunity these days either, but you do have ties here and friends and familiarity, all of which you'll need if you're to rebuild your life.

Only after all THAT would I be thinking of another relationship to be honest - don't forget there's a divorce to go through too.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but looking to jump straight from one relationship to another (and then adding kids into the mix) will only make things worse than they already are.

Katy89

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Irish people aren't automatically entitled to social welfare just because they are Irish. If they have been living abroad for a couple of years and haven't been paying a stamp here they are often entitled to nothing. Don't give advice like it's fact.

if you would have quoted or read my whole post, there's written I'm not completely sure and rules could have changed and would be best OP enquires about it. very valuable advice from the whole context.

don't take things out of context from my posts!

a posse ad esse

You need to really sit down and think about this. What is really making you unhappy? Being in Brasil or being in a marriage that has no compromise? Have you FULLY communicated to your husband prior to marriage about starting a family and where to settle permanently or did you assume he was on the same page as you?

There are plenty of opportunties to improve your language skills but you have to be MOTIVATED to do so. My husband HATES French but motivated himself to learn to speak proficiently for better and more permanent work opportunities. He is happier that he pushed himself because now he is getting the full experience of living here as well as made great contacts. However, he still does not like the language any more but learning it has made his life here more enjoyable and a worthwhile experience.

Try a language exchange. Meet a Brasilian who wants to learn English in exchange for Portuguese. You will be surprised how many new friends you can meet and make this way. You have English at your advantage, the most sought language. There are many multinational companies in Brasil who are looking for people who need fluent English speakers.

But the issue may not be about Brasil. It may be resentments you have with your husband and you are taking it out on his country? You probably thought you sacrificed so much to be with him that he cannot sacrifice having a child for you? You need to figure out what YOU want in this marriage and YOUR future. Is having a child going to make things better if you have to stay over there? Or if he is willing to move but still does not want children, is that going to make you happy in the long run?

LegacyUser

OP right now it sounds like you can't see the forest for the trees. You've listed alot of issues your having but you need to boil it down to the main one right now and go from there.

You want children your husband does not. This is a deal breaker for many people. You need to deal with your marriage first. Is this something you can work on? Is there an option for counseling in your area? If having a child is a deal breaker for you and your husband won't budge on the issue why would you even consider staying? I know you said you love your husband but if having a child is a must for you then you need to think about the future - are you going to be happy in this relationship 5/10 years down the road if you don't have a child? Come to a decision regarding your marriage first. Everything else can be dealt with once that has been decided.

Regardless of wither you stay with your husband or not it's clear you have some major confidence issues you need to work on. Everything you've posted has been negative and defeatists and I'm not saying that to be cruel to you OP. You say you were bullied when you worked in Australia but did you ever get any help with dealing with the aftermath of that?

finbarrk

I don't think you will ever be happy in that place. You will have to bite the bullet now and move.

scobysnacks

cant log wrote: »

Regardless of wither you stay with your husband or not it's clear you have some major confidence issues you need to work on. Everything you've posted has been negative and defeatists and I'm not saying that to be cruel to you OP. You say you were bullied when you worked in Australia but did you ever get any help with dealing with the aftermath of that?

You have hit the nail on the head. I was bullied very badly in school for years. Though time moved on, I never really dealt with it. I guess, in some way, it has followed me into adult life. I know deep down that I need help but don't have the money, as every bit of cash I have gets sucked into that negative equity apartment.

Thanks to everyone so far for all the useful advice. I really appreciate everyone taking their time to respond, as I really can't talk to anyone face to face about this until my course of action is clear in my mind.

Brazil is definitely not a country for foreigners but I have decided to give it one last shot. I have, in the last two weeks, finally managed to find a good Portuguese teacher. I am swapping lessons with him for English classes. So far, so good.

My second plan is to give one last attempt to finding a job. I have a few companies earmarked,all international companies with offices in Europe and the US. Transfers are a possibility. I am working hard to ensure that my CV and covering letter matches their criteria perfectly and that they get sent to the right person. If I get an interview, my chances are good. If I do get a job I will give it some time, work extra hard and then push for a transfer.

However, if I can't get a job, realistically, I am going to leave before June. Upon return I will have to seek out some kind of professional help to resolve my own personal issues (Are there any low cost counseling services available?). Hopefully in time things will get better. I love my husband but I figure if he loves me, he will join me. If not, then he really doesn't love me enough. Without compromise there can't be a relationship.