What now?

LegacyUser

I have no idea how to cope any longer. I care for my husband who has a long term illness and has also had psychological issues for the last 25 years, longer really but it has been more noticeable for that amount of time. He has mobility problems, though he didn't do very much before it became a problem, now he does not get about much at all.

He acts caring but all he really cares about is having someone to look after him, its a kind of emotional blackmail. He has never been willing to talk about anything other than very everyday things, the weather, the garden, the dog. I think he would be completely amazed to be told that he does not really care about anything. He has never been willing to talk about relationships. He totally believes what he wants to believe and is in denial about anything that might cause him any upset. He spends his days watching tv and reading books.

If something catches his interest his whole attention is given to it. He has spent the last few days filling in some forms and when they were done he wanted me to post them. The were not urgent or even very important. I was tired and had a headache and had just dozed off in the chair when he woke me up to ask me for the third or fourth time today when I was going to post them, and I would miss the post. So I snapped at him which is something I never do, if I once lose my temper I don't know what I would say. I had to go out anyway so I took them and posted them, and as I knew he would, when I got back he said - did you remember to post my letters? This is just a small example, but its the kind of thing that goes on the whole time.

If I am not well or he thinks I am irritable he will keep asking me if I am feeling any better yet, and when I finally say I am, just to shut him up, he will tell me that it is the weather, its very dull.

I have an outside interest that I am very much involved in, but I am finding that I am becoming very tired and negative when I am at home, I am ok while I am out but when I come back into the house everything that was going well while I was out, becomes impossible to deal with, and I feel as though I am not able for it. Its as though my brain slips out of gear and I become very unbalanced feeling, but with some outside contact - someone phones maybe, I can come out of it. It only happens in the house but I have behaved very strangely a couple of times and I am afraid I will alienate people that I really want to remain on good terms with.

I am on antidepressants and am due to get some professional help, but that has not started yet. It is so frustrating, he is the one with the problems (though I have been told there is nothing can be done about any of them) but I am the one getting the treatment.

I don't really expect anyone to be able to offer any answers, I am getting help, but I needed to talk about it, and thank you for reading.

Frito

Wow, that's tough, you sound like you're exhausted. Have you any option of respite care or formal support ie carers? Is there a possibility of your husband being able to attend a day centre?

looksee

OP, since you are getting treatment I will not comment any further, I know it helps just to put it down, and that is what we are here for. I do understand your frustration though, some of what you say sounds very familiar! All good wishes, try and take care of yourself.

Knine

I feel your pain. You have described life for many people who are Carers. Its one of the reasons the cuts in the budget were so galling.

I hope things get better for you soon.

fergal.b

Hi "reallyacarer" you are far from alone with your feelings so don't feel bad it's quite normal. Sometimes as carers we can be seen more as an employe one that doesn't get paid or get to go home after a days work you are not allowed sick days and we also have to put up with some of the grumpiest bosses that in any other job could be taken to court for unfair treatment of staff ask anyone else to do this job and you know what they will say :eek: so you have every right to be a little bit unhappy now and again.
Keep up your outside interest and if you can bring some of it home with you be it researching on the net or whatever and whenever you are feeling a bit unbalanced focus your energy on that and forget about your surroundings. I'm sure things are tough for your husband as well and he is dealing with it in his own way it's just that sometimes the carers are the only ones that they can vent their frustration on.
I wish you the best of luck with your treatment and hope you find a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay positive and don't let the down demons get you



.

Baybay

I am not my mother's carer but visit her most days and / or speak on the telephone.

She is 82, lives alone since my father died three years ago and having recovered from lung cancer eight years ago, has been healthy but with hearing & sight loss issues.

She has several regular visitors, home help twice a week and watches what little on tv that engages her but says she is very lonely.

She is also a very negative & repetitive person who will argue any point regardless of having the information to back it up, having only half listened to the radio or not having finished the article in the paper and usually finishes with something along the lines of "well, you never agree with me anyway and you know I'm always right."

Some of her friends have stopped visiting, later telling me they just can't bear her negativity or her extreme opinions which at best can be bigoted.
Some only pop in for a few minutes, all they can bear, claiming an engagement for which they must rush but she's told some of these not to bother calling again if they can't be bothered to stay longer.
She has most recently been very confrontational with one of my friends who calls to see her on my behalf which has resulted in a lot of upset between the three of us.

I understand she could be lonely as she goes very few places anymore. Due in part to her eyesight & hearing but also because she is so confrontational with others when we are out. Waiters, bank staff, shopkeepers are all fair game for what she sees as her putting them right, some form of misguided customer service training, I suppose. It's embarrassing though.
I can no longer tell her if I'm meeting a friend for a coffee or invited to a party etc as she tells me that it's her I should be spending time with not gallivanting around with my friends. I'm not a teenager!

I have offered her to come live with us but she refuses. I'm a bit glad, if I'm honest. We live in quite an isolated area, she lives in a town and does not want to give up access to buses etc which I understand. She doesn't use them but I suppose she could if she took the notion.

She is very angry about her life. With my dad. For living and for dying, I think. With me too, I think. Her life changed considerably after I was born and while I know she does love me and has been very kind to me, even in my adult life, I don't think she knows how to be maternal outside of a very smothering, controlling state.

I pander to her a little as I don't challenge her as much about her attitudes as I could. Or maybe should. She's always been a little inclined towards how she conducts herself now but I feel it has magnified with age.
I feel that she won't change at her age and she may not have that long left so why bother annoying her & upsetting myself?

That was until the confrontation with my friend.
In the aftermath of that my mother said two things that I can't get beyond.

The first was that she hadn't enjoyed one thing in the last eight years since her cancer and she wished she had died.
Despite seeing her grandchildren grow up, despite coming on several holidays with us, all the Christmases, the family gatherings and many other things. Despite the effort I put in when she was ill. Daily: breakfasting & dropping my children to school before going to give dad his breakfast, driving to Vincent's to see her, home to give dad his lunch, cooking dinner for him & children before going back to Vincent's, home to feed dad & children before going back up again for the evening. For 8 weeks.
But the difficult one was when she was talking about her recently widowed, childless sister.
She said it wouldn't have mattered if she'd had children as they'd do nothing for her likely anyway. Just like me.
All negated, the visits I make, the bills I pay or help pay, the shopping, the chemist, the runs to hospitals, the occasional outings we take, the weekends away, the gifts we exchange, the listening, the form filling etc.

I'm still thinking about the throw away remark.
I won't confront her.
But I can't forget.

Anyway, I know I've gone on a bit here. It was good to get it out. If you've got to this point, thank you!

I probably need to find someone professional to talk to but even this feels disloyal.


OP, I started the reply to say you are not alone in having a difficult relative but got sidetracked writing about my own!

Catkins407

You sound like you need a holiday away from your partner. I suppose that's out of the question. He sounds like his world is pretty small and that's why he focuses on seemingly mundane things. Was he the type to talk about deeper topics anyway or is this a newish thing? Is there any clubs you could maybe get him involved in? Could somewhere like the Irish wheelchair association help you out? There maybe clubs or day workshops he could attend. I know it's very hard to get men involved in things generally but it may be no harm to put your foot down that he should at least try. It's probably hard for him to look outside himself now . I have same issue with my elderly father. They are so consumed with their problems and medical issues they tend to believe the world revolves around them. Giving him time away from you and your home may give you back some oeace when you are home and give you a chance to recharge your batteries. Opening up his world may help. Other than that keep doing what you are doing to nurture your self. I heard how worn out your are emotionally. If none of this advice was helpful then I apologise but would still ask you to post when you need to about this. Suggestions aside I do understand .

Joey the lips

You need to talk more to a professional you are emotionally stressed and no doubt the caring is taking its toll. Can you not leave your husband in respite for a week and take a holiday yourself or with a friend or son daughter

Catkins407

I was thinking about you and thought I would post something's that worked for me with my dad. With the letter or any other task he is pestering me to do I give him a time and date that I will do it on and not before. So say Tuesday afternoon but not before regardless of how many times I am asked beforehand that won't change. I had to make a stand and say that I am not available on his beck and call. Standing up for yourself may be tough but laying down the law on how you are going to do things is necessary. Keep reminding him your his partner first and foremost then his carer and he has a responsibility to himself too and to you. If he won't engage leave it at that . Say it as a statement a fact and not open for debate. He is getting everything his own way just how he wants it. He has no reason to want change. Make him want change by not giving him his own way on everything . Good luck xxx

SusanneKn

Firstly, well done for the work you are doing!
You are on duty 24/7 and your feelings and emotion are very normal and very common.
To be able to care of someone who have to take care of yourself.You are an individual who has physical and emotional needs which need to met.

If you need to talk someone please ring The Carers Association 1800 24 07 24. (Mon-Fri 9am - 1pm)
They will not only listen to you but are able to give you advice and information where to get more support from.
Its all done anonym.

horse7

My friends father is 84 and his wfe 83, she has alzheimers and bullies him verbially when he is on his own wth her. She refuses to attend a day centre and persistently tells him he is no good. When their grandchildren visit she has started telling them to leave the house.