Help with grandchild please

December2012

My dad died recently.

I've a 4 year old and although she wasn't close to my dad, I want to know how to help her through any ongoing grief.

His death was expected - she knew it was coming and knows it happened. She said goodbye and I've asked her to ask me any questions she has.

I'm also very upset myself and as a stay at home mam she would be highly aware of my change in mood.

How do I know if she's actually sad?

Lorna123

I don't think that a 4-year old dwells on anything for too long. She most probably just accepts that this is part of life and then puts it out of her mind and moves on to the next thing. So I wouldn't worry about her. Sorry to hear about your Dad passing, it is quite hard to come to terms with the death of a parent but it does get easier with time.

looksee

I agree with Lorna, at 4, out of sight is out of mind, especially if it was not a close relationship. Understandably you are upset, but don't be anxious about her expressing grief for someone she hardly knew.

December2012

But if she's saying she is sad how do I know if its true or if she's using it to get out if trouble for bad behaviour?

Taltos

Tricky one OP.
I am of the opinion that in times like this parents need to be consistent. If a child misbehaves they don't get a get out of jail free card. If they start crying or claiming that they only did this because they are upset, then calmly let them know that you are upset too and that their actions are making it all that much harder for you.

Consistency is the key. Setting boundaries and following through on consequences. To be honest, I was a devious little kid and even at that age had a fair idea of what to say to my folks to get what I wanted. The kindest thing you can do is just be the parent you have always been. Having made an exception fine, however this is a key learning time for your child, experiencing bereavement and learning that life carries on regardless is tough and yes they might be upset and act out - all the more important to learn that the rules of yesterday are still the rules of today.

Celebrate the life of your father with them, remember the fond times but don't dwell on the loss. This is a rotten time for you and falling back in to consistency will not just help your child but hopefully help you get over the pain you are feeling too. Don't bottle it all in, one of my earliest and strongest memories of being rebuked is seeing how my actions caused my mother to cry at the pain I caused her (now years later I learnt that she could cry on command and did overuse it later on - but still)...

banie01

+1 on Taltos's advice.
My own son lost his Mam when he was 3 and in my own experience consistency is the absolute key in how to cope.
Kids are resilient, and they cope a lot better than us adults at times and more often than not when they do get most upset, it is when we are at our own low ebb.
They are like little emotional mirrors and sometimes at our lowest it is those feelings that they shine back at us.

But the key to ensuring they cope...
Is openess, honesty and consistency.
Be as open and honest as possible with your kids when discussing the loss, explain it as best you can and in terms they will understand.
Be there for your child when they want to talk, and encourage them to talk about it.
Use the loss as a chance to teach your child how to deal with loss and grief in a healthy way, yes the loss is terrible and it causes pain.
But the pain comes from missing someone you shared memories and love with, so focus on those happy memories at the times the grief does strike hard and be sure to share those stories.
Be sure that while you make allowances for their grief, and indeed in how your own grief can cloud your reactions to their behaviour...
That you always try and be consistent in how you react.

As Taltos pointed out Kid's need boundaries and truth be told we all know from our own childhoods that when an opportunity to exploit a boundary presents itself...
We will try to exploit it, not because we are bad....but because we were kids and if we found a way to get a late night, an extra chocolate bar our a get out of jail free card of course we'd have taken it.

I'm sorry for your Loss OP and wish you and your Daughter all the best for the future