How to identify a user

kingfisherdove

Hey all, I'm just looking for some advice How can you tell when a person is trying to use you; but make you feel like they really like you and want to get to know you. In the past I've easily given my heart away too fast and got hurt as a result. I'm just wondering do you guys have any tips on how to spot a player/user and how to protect your heart?! :rolleyes: Cheesy but any advice greatly welcome!

1ZRed

kingfisherdove wrote: »

Hey all, I'm just looking for some advice How can you tell when a person is trying to use you; but make you feel like they really like you and want to get to know you. In the past I've easily given my heart away too fast and got hurt as a result. I'm just wondering do you guys have any tips on how to spot a player/user and how to protect your heart?! :rolleyes: Cheesy but any advice greatly welcome!

Well you can't, that's up to your own intuition as there's no one tell with everyone.

And since I'm wondering, how do you know these lads are actually using you by getting to know you and then for you to develop feelings for them?

I've known a few lads who have developed feelings for me quickly and even one who feel in love with me after just a month. I didn't lead them on, but I've been told I have a personality that means I get on with people like we've known each other for years and I can click with them easily enough. To me, I was enjoying having the laugh with them. There was no intended malice behind my actions.

I wasn't looking for anything serious, I was just letting it play out and see what'd happen naturally. It wasn't my fault they got feelings for me when I never encouraged it.

And honestly, getting feelings so strongly as love so early on did put me off because we couldn't just have the laugh and let things develop steadily, it was always looming over us. I didn't like it and I stopped seeing them.

So my point is it's not always their fault for hurting you, you could be the one that develops feelings very easily for them when they didn't intend for it to happen. I wouldn't call those lads players because players are after sex, and are not into forming relationships.

If you get so attatched after a few casual hook ups, and blame them for being players, then I don't think they're really for you.

To avoid any hurt or confusion on either end my best advice is to make everything clear from the get go. If it's just one casual night, or a few meet-ups, and it's just about the sex, and both agree, then no harm. Just state what you both want and you can take it or leave it. It stops people getting their feelings hurt.

kingfisherdove

what about the liars though? Some people lie about their intentions or change what they say when the mood hits them

floggg

kingfisherdove wrote: »

what about the liars though? Some people lie about their intentions or change what they say when the mood hits them

I think you need to accept that so long as you are dating, there is always a chance you will get hurt. And you need to know that most relationships you have will end bar one.

So while you shouldn't fear relationships, you just need to accept that fact and learn not to rush into things as fast. And if and when heartbreaks happen, take them as a learning experience.

Go into them with an open mind, but just don't allow yourself be manipulated or do things you aren't comfortable with. Otherwise, accept that you may get hurt, but know the pain will be worth it in the end once you find the right guy.

ongarboy

Sometimes it's only the experience of life that helps teach us to read people better. Experience helps us to better fine tune our intuition and instinct. It is acceptable to take all people at face value when you first meet them (it would be a disservice to you to assume all people are liars or users and then wait for them to prove you wrong).

When you first encounter something that doesn't add up, it is then appropriate to be on guard. When in love or fancying someone, it can be possible to be a little more gullible or naive than you normally would be but you need to be careful not to overlook clues. You should also take notice when it seems like you are the one always compromising or tolerating.

You should also ensure you do not come across as a pushover/doormat. If you feel you have been used by multiple people, I suggest you ask some friends who know you well and who will be honest with you if they can advise of any traits you display (but that you may not be aware of) that may contribute to this situation.

1ZRed

floggg wrote: »

I think you need to accept that so long as you are dating, there is always a chance you will get hurt. And you need to know that most relationships you have will end bar one.

So while you shouldn't fear relationships, you just need to accept that fact and learn not to rush into things as fast. And if and when heartbreaks happen, take them as a learning experience.

I agree.

There's no point going in holding back, being reserved or being fearful. You take a chance, and it's exciting to take a chance as well. I think you get a lot more out if it when not being guarded as you're only sabotaging yourself.

Go into them with an open mind, but just don't allow yourself be manipulated or do things you aren't comfortable with. Otherwise, accept that you may get hurt, but know the pain will be worth it in the end once you find the right guy.

Every failed relationship just gets you a step closer to finding the one that sticks.

You need the fuk ups to learn from and develop from so you can go into another one more prepared, experienced, and ultimately, with a better shot at making it work out.

1ZRed

kingfisherdove wrote: »

what about the liars though? Some people lie about their intentions or change what they say when the mood hits them

Well that's a whole other story and it's entirely up to you and your intuition to decide if those lads are not good for you.

In all honesty it won't be out of the blue. If that's their game they'll continuously raise an eyebrow with their behaviour, and if you see that early on then you shouldn't be hanging around them and tolerating it until you develop feelings for them.

azezil

I choose to believe that there aren't that many people out there who consciously use people and those that are perceived to be doing so may not be conscious of it or see it that way.

If you feel like someone is taking advantage of you, you need to learn to respect yourself and don't be anyone's doormat.

I for example am quite easy going, I've lots of free time so I can be quite accommodating when it comes to meeting up or plans changing at relatively short notice but only up to a point. If it's a common occurrence that the other party is constantly running late or cancelling, I say goodbye right there and then.

kingfisherdove

Well there are some good liars out there IZRED. Some really good ones

Walker77

kingfisherdove wrote: »

Hey all, I'm just looking for some advice How can you tell when a person is trying to use you; but make you feel like they really like you and want to get to know you. In the past I've easily given my heart away too fast and got hurt as a result. I'm just wondering do you guys have any tips on how to spot a player/user and how to protect your heart?! :rolleyes: Cheesy but any advice greatly welcome!

This is part of the programme called life