Time to change my life around for the better minus drink.

Sunnyisland

Carpet diem wrote: »

I totally agree realies - your right.

What you mean by "nothing to see here " ?

I was saying in the context of not looking back on your alcohol life

Carpet diem

A bit of relaxation watching tele, reading paper and chilling - can't beat it and hopefully be up crack of dawn tomorrow to gym even thou I'm off for the xmas.

Over a week off now now again

On to better things
CD

Carpet diem

Didn't quite get up the crack of dawn - had a sleep in for myself but no harm done - still got the gym done :-)

Turned down few offers to meet up with mates today and tomorrow. No excuse given - just said "can't make it".

Carpet diem

Heading home for Xmas with a nice "fresh" self and not hungover!

Looking forward to sleep in for next three days and then will do bit of work after that before heading back to work.

I don't want to stay too idle and want to keep occupied.

Carpet diem

Having a nice relaxing day -
Food and company is great. Drink is never a thing in our house Xmas day.

Hope everyone is well and happy and Santa came :-)

Carpet diem

Up without sore head and looking forward to doing nothing although I will do 2-3 hours work on laptop when I'm bored and nothing to do.

I'd like to go back to work on top of things and try keep stress levels down as it can be a trigger.

On to better things
CD

Carpet diem

something ive been doing when I get cravings is breathing out in a controlled way.

It really relaxes you. I picked that up from watching a program about George hook about a guy making speeches and the associated nerves

Just from what you said in the other thread carpet. Please start talking at the meetings if you're still going, it's counter productive otherwise.

Carpet diem

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Just from what you said in the other thread carpet. Please start talking at the meetings if you're still going, it's counter productive otherwise.

Ya I know but its easier said than done. I'm fairly shy so it can be hard that why I have so much to say on here!!

Carpet diem

Carpet diem wrote: »

Ya I know but its easier said than done. I'm fairly shy so it can be hard that why I have so much to say on here!!

Force yourself in to doing it. You won't regret it

KeefF

Deleted User wrote: »

Force yourself in to doing it. You won't regret it

I've been going to meetings for the last few months and have only managed to speak a handful of times.
The bigger the meeting, the less likely I am to speak. I think I feel somewhat intimidated.
But I would have to say that when I speak I feel much better and much more a part of proceedings. It's something I'm targetting as something to work at.

KeefF

KeefF wrote: »

I've been going to meetings for the last few months and have only managed to speak a handful of times.
The bigger the meeting, the less likely I am to speak. I think I feel somewhat intimidated.
But I would have to say that when I speak I feel much better and much more a part of proceedings. It's something I'm targetting as something to work at.

Forced myself to share at a meeting today - definitely feel better after it.

Carpet diem

Up early this morning ( well kinda) and lot for doing.

KeefF

KeefF wrote: »

Forced myself to share at a meeting today - definitely feel better after it.

I can't recommend it enough. If you tell people how you feel they will help you if they can, if you don't nothing happens. Simple really

enoughalready

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe he might have captured the victor's cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out -

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

[-0-]

Just had what is my last drink for quite some time. Need to get back into shape.

Carpet diem

Ended up going out last night and breaking. I did two weeks and got complacent. I just don't know what I want enough

KeefF

Carpet diem wrote: »

Ended up going out last night and breaking. I did two weeks and got complacent. I just don't know what I want enough

Just need to start again??

Carpet diem

KeefF wrote: »

Just need to start again??

Ya deffo. Seems like endless failures thou KeefF.

anon1900

I'm in absolutely no position to be giving an advice , I'm struggling myself at the minute , and I don't claim to know much all I can give is the same ye r giving to me on my thread, support , it brought the fight back into me , don't look at this as a failure , sit with the feeling and use it as a reminder for why you gave it up, hopefully it will help you , look at all the positives , from your thread there seems to be loads of them , I know it's hard but focus on them , I genuinely wish you the best and I hope it picks up for ya, because I understand exactly where you are and how hard it is , something that I need to work on is not letting one mistake get the better of me , don't let it take you over , that's all anyone of us can do ,

Carpet diem

anon1900 wrote: »

I'm in absolutely no position to be giving an advice , I'm struggling myself at the minute , and I don't claim to know much all I can give is the same ye r giving to me on my thread, support , it brought the fight back into me , don't look at this as a failure , sit with the feeling and use it as a reminder for why you gave it up, hopefully it will help you , look at all the positives , from your thread there seems to be loads of them , I know it's hard but focus on them , I genuinely wish you the best and I hope it picks up for ya, because I understand exactly where you are and how hard it is , something that I need to work on is not letting one mistake get the better of me , don't let it take you over , that's all anyone of us can do ,

One thing that really triggered me is a fight I had with a family member. Its not the first time and it really got to me. The house became suffocating and I needed out. I reckon I'm becoming too involved in solving every problem and should keep my nose out of stuff.

I'm really gonna batten down the hatches and become happy with my life away from home. Looking around and wanting something I can't have is no good and I should be just content with my lot.

The headaches, aches and pains, the depression ,the tiredness, the waste of a day, the feeling of despair is just not worth it not to mention the money wasted.
I can have s better life than that crap

KeefF

Carpet diem wrote: »

One thing that really triggered me is a fight I had with a family member. Its not the first time and it really got to me. The house became suffocating and I needed out. I reckon I'm becoming too involved in solving every problem and should keep my nose out of stuff.

I'm really gonna batten down the hatches and become happy with my life away from home. Looking around and wanting something I can't have is no good and I should be just content with my lot.

The headaches, aches and pains, the depression ,the tiredness, the waste of a day, the feeling of despair is just not worth it not to mention the money wasted.
I can have s better life than that crap

For me it has been all about that word "acceptance". I still struggle with it but do take the time to work through any compulsions I have - seems to work to date. Also I just don't get involved with people who all I did was drink with before. I still feel sorry for myself for e.g. with NYE coming up. But I have organised a late evening trip to the cinema with my Godson - so all potential compulsions etc are headed off early (I hope).
You have done it before so you can def do it again. You have clearly outlined above the negatives of drinking for you so I would focus on those and the positives you get from not drinking.
Best of Luck.

Carpet diem

KeefF wrote: »

For me it has been all about that word "acceptance". I still struggle with it but do take the time to work through any compulsions I have - seems to work to date. Also I just don't get involved with people who all I did was drink with before. I still feel sorry for myself for e.g. with NYE coming up. But I have organised a late evening trip to the cinema with my Godson - so all potential compulsions etc are headed off early (I hope).
You have done it before so you can def do it again. Yo have clearly outlined above the negatives of drinking for you so I would focus on those and the positives you get from not drinking.
Best of Luck.

You mean acceptance as you can't drink again and it doesn't suit you ?

anon1900

That's exactly similar to some of my problems, I become very easily wound up , I get very frustrated at times and I've had to look at some of the reasons, I'm frustrated about things in the past that I can't change now, building a new life is exhausting , I've had to change everything about me , I've lost a lot of friends , made lots of bad ones when I was drinking heavily . That feeling of frustration comes up at me and that's when before I would have drank a load to blot out the feelings of guilt and depression , and as I said on the thread a few days ago I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve, the frustration became too much and I stared binge eating , so for me I've had to write down all those triggers and remind myself that my journey of a new life is going to be hard and I'm going to have to work at it every day, the last few mornings I've woke up feeling extremely guilty almost in a panic realising that a few days ago I was actually considering a drink, but I'm going to have to leave that go , and realise the more I beat myself up and feel guilty , the further I get away from the life I want , a life where I'm totally at ease with myself an able to enjoy the moment , and stop living in the past, I'm not the person I was. I've had to sit with the feelings of the last few days and it has stung me, but by **** I'm going to go hard at in the gym next week and leave it behind me, i wrote them down exactly how I felt and I was in the horrors, I reckon it would help if you done the same, okay you drank , but by god make sure and remember how your feeling so it won't happen again, and remember that building a life is going to be hard it will be worth it in the end, as I said already there's times in your posts that's you look like your flying it , and that's something I took for granted myself when I've been off the drink for the last few months, the fact that I'm generally so happier on a day to day basis , and you have been too and you can definitely get back there, this will just make you stronger , listen it will be a tough few days , but you can come through it

Carpet diem

anon1900 wrote: »

That's exactly similar to some of my problems, I become very easily wound up , I get very frustrated at times and I've had to look at some of the reasons, I'm frustrated about things in the past that I can't change now, building a new life is exhausting , I've had to change everything about me , I've lost a lot of friends , made lots of bad ones when I was drinking heavily . That feeling of frustration comes up at me and that's when before I would have drank a load to blot out the feelings of guilt and depression , and as I said on the thread a few days ago I had a breakdown on Christmas Eve, the frustration became too much and I stared binge eating , so for me I've had to write down all those triggers and remind myself that my journey of a new life is going to be hard and I'm going to have to work at it every day, the last few mornings I've woke up feeling extremely guilty almost in a panic realising that a few days ago I was actually considering a drink, but I'm going to have to leave that go , and realise the more I beat myself up and feel guilty , the further I get away from the life I want , a life where I'm totally at ease with myself an able to enjoy the moment , and stop living in the past, I'm not the person I was. I've had to sit with the feelings of the last few days and it has stung me, but by **** I'm going to go hard at in the gym next week and leave it behind me, i wrote them down exactly how I felt and I was in the horrors, I reckon it would help if you done the same, okay you drank , but by god make sure and remember how your feeling so it won't happen again, and remember that building a life is going to be hard it will be worth it in the end, as I said already there's times in your posts that's you look like your flying it , and that's something I took for granted myself when I've been off the drink for the last few months, the fact that I'm generally so happier on a day to day basis , and you have been too and you can definitely get back there, this will just make you stronger , listen it will be a tough few days , but you can come through it

Thanks a lot for the advice - you seem to have come on leaps and bounds in last few days. You'd know it in your advice above and the positivity.

anon1900

I went as low as I'd been since I gave it up , had to make a choice , I just keep picturing where I want to be . We ll get there ,

KeefF

Carpet diem wrote: »

You mean acceptance as you can't drink again and it doesn't suit you ?

Hi
For me, it's both and more.
Acceptance that when I drink I do things that I do not want to do.
Acceptance that when I drink I end up not doing things I want to and things I am supposed to do.
Acceptance that when I drink I can not tell how much I will drink or where i might end up.
Acceptance that the drinking way of life has proved unsuccessful for me so far - so I need to stop to have any chance of the way of life I want - self-respect/piece of mind/security/contentedness/gratitude/honesty/humility/physical fitness.
Acceptance that if I keep acting the same way/thinking the same way/meeting the same people/having the same beliefs I will continue to need to drink. If I work hard on addressing those I hopefully will no longer need to drink.
Acceptance that there are going to be times when life is hard/I feel lonely/I feel sorry for myself etc etc. But knowing that if I drink it won't really address the reasons for those feelings and I will always end up feeling worse.
Acceptance that I cannot do this alone. I needed to meet other people to understand how they have stayed sober and try learn something from them.
Acceptance to say fcuk it - I no longer drink - what am I missing? Nothing at all really.
For me ( and for me only) the above is what acceptance is for me. I'm finding it tough over Christmas as I am used to partying. But I have accepted that going to the pub etc is no longer what I do and this has worked up to now. I have a tough road ahead but am optimistic I can do as I want to do it.
I hope this helps. Just writing it down has helped me.

Thanks KeefF

Carpet diem

KeefF wrote: »

Hi
For me, it's both and more.
Acceptance that when I drink I do things that I do not want to do.
Acceptance that when I drink I end up not doing things I want to and things I am supposed to do.
Acceptance that when I drink I can not tell how much I will drink or where i might end up.
Acceptance that the drinking way of life has proved unsuccessful for me so far - so I need to stop to have any chance of the way of life I want - self-respect/piece of mind/security/contentedness/gratitude/honesty/humility/physical fitness.
Acceptance that if I keep acting the same way/thinking the same way/meeting the same people/having the same beliefs I will continue to need to drink. If I work hard on addressing those I hopefully will no longer need to drink.
Acceptance that there are going to be times when life is hard/I feel lonely/I feel sorry for myself etc etc. But knowing that if I drink it won't really address the reasons for those feelings and I will always end up feeling worse.
Acceptance that I cannot do this alone. I needed to meet other people to understand how they have stayed sober and try learn something from them.
Acceptance to say fcuk it - I no longer drink - what am I missing? Nothing at all really.
For me ( and for me only) the above is what acceptance is for me. I'm finding it tough over Christmas as I am used to partying. But I have accepted that going to the pub etc is no longer what I do and this has worked up to now. I have a tough road ahead but am optimistic I can do as I want to do it.
I hope this helps. Just writing it down has helped me.

Thanks KeefF

Brilliant post KeefF.

As Einstein said definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

KeefF

Carpet diem wrote: »

Brilliant post KeefF.

As Einstein said definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.

Thanks to realies, who in many previous posts has said "if nothing changes, nothing changes" - something like that.

Amazingfun

Carpet diem wrote: »

One thing that really triggered me is a fight I had with a family member. Its not the first time and it really got to me. The house became suffocating and I needed out. I reckon I'm becoming too involved in solving every problem and should keep my nose out of stuff.

I'm really gonna batten down the hatches and become happy with my life away from home. Looking around and wanting something I can't have is no good and I should be just content with my lot.

The headaches, aches and pains, the depression ,the tiredness, the waste of a day, the feeling of despair is just not worth it not to mention the money wasted.
I can have s better life than that crap

First off, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone on the thread, was away visiting family and forgot my boards.ie password, lol.

I don't have much to say except I feel compelled to comment on this line:

One thing that really triggered me is a fight I had with a family member.

This is, in my opinion and (more importantly)in my experience, is an example of what many refer to as a delusion. The fatal delusion that other people and their actions, whatever they may be, can drive me to drink.
This is false.

What I do have however, is a mind that is obsessed with finding a way to successfully drink again, even after a series of disasters, even when it defies all logic- and that mind will use the actions of others to give me a reason (permission) to drink. Some have even shared how they realized later they had in fact started some drama in order to create some chaos that would result in them having a drink to calm down. I am not saying that is what you did, but it is not unheard of for serious drinkers to engage in this kind of foolery.

That is why I highlighted the earlier passage that speaks to the central problem of the alcoholic as his mind, and why a fellowship/community of fellow sober folks is so important, because they can often spot the 'stinkin thinkin' long before I can.

Again, for anyone reading, AA meetings are free and are all over the country, day and night:

http://www.alcoholicsanonymous.ie/Information-on-AA/Find-a-Meeting

Wishing you all a safe n sober New Years

KeefF

Happy New Year to all on this forum and thread.
Thanks for your support - it is appreciated.
I wish you all well in your endeavours in 2014.

enoughalready

I also wanted to take a moment to say how invaluable this forum has been for me personally over the past month and thanks to all who have given advice and support. It's so comforting to know you are all just a click away. Happy New Year and lets hope 2014 is our BEST YEAR YET!!!

anon1900

best of luck with everything in the new year

Carpet diem

Happy new year to all ye guys too and thanks for all the support

Carpet diem

Going to the doctor tomorrow for advice and maybe some medication to help me get some sober days together as I just keep slipping.

Any advice how to approach let me know as I really don't know what to say or more importantly will doctor take me seriously. I loom like normal person not a bother on me - I wish

anon1900

I didn't take them, I was in a really bad place, had really bad anxiety, it was really hard to keep going, but my reasons to stop because of that anxiety, I was at breaking point, the fear of what I done the night before, I was really unhealthy, so I just kept going back to that

I also have to appreciate how good it feels to wake up without a hangover and all that goes with it, sitting around eating crap food, the self loathing, I used smoke when I was drinking, and I still need to keep doing that, as time fades it becomes harder to remember how bad it was, that's why I was having a few bad days there probably.

As I said before there's times in the your thread when your flying, up early going to the gym, feeling good, getting a bit of work done, my advice would be to really appreciate those and compare them to how your feeling after drinking, that might help. I find writing it down is a good reminder, write down when your in the horrors but make sure and write down how could you felt when your off it, life for me is day to day , so any day when Im up, eating healthy, gyming usually things start to pick up.

Another reason why I gave it up was the frustration that i couldnt be my best and other people couldnt see the best of me, or that I couldnt be my best, breakdown in relationships, you know yourself,

I can completely understand what your feeling now, really irratible , and all that goes with it, feeling low. What I had to do and I think what might help you is to sit down with that feeling now I really mean sit with it, and say to yourself that this is what drink is doing to me, its horrible to do, and write when your in the moment how fkcing bad that is.It will pass if you keep trying to do the right thing. I know its easy to say but really focus on the moment, minute to minute, every minute your not drinking is a good minute, and time will pas and you will feel better.

lindtee

Carpet diem wrote: »

Going to the doctor tomorrow for advice and maybe some medication to help me get some sober days together as I just keep slipping.

Any advice how to approach let me know as I really don't know what to say or more importantly will doctor take me seriously. I loom like normal person not a bother on me - I wish

Just be honest about your drinking and the effect that it is having on your life. I'm pretty sure you will be taken seriously. There is medication available which reacts with alcohol such as antabuse and makes you ill if you drink. There are many other ways that your doctor can help such as linking you in with addiction and other community services. Best of luck.

Carpet diem

anon1900 wrote: »

I didn't take them, I was in a really bad place, had really bad anxiety, it was really hard to keep going, but my reasons to stop because of that anxiety, I was at breaking point, the fear of what I done the night before, I was really unhealthy, so I just kept going back to that

I also have to appreciate how good it feels to wake up without a hangover and all that goes with it, sitting around eating crap food, the self loathing, I used smoke when I was drinking, and I still need to keep doing that, as time fades it becomes harder to remember how bad it was, that's why I was having a few bad days there probably.

As I said before there's times in the your thread when your flying, up early going to the gym, feeling good, getting a bit of work done, my advice would be to really appreciate those and compare them to how your feeling after drinking, that might help. I find writing it down is a good reminder, write down when your in the horrors but make sure and write down how could you felt when your off it, life for me is day to day , so any day when Im up, eating healthy, gyming usually things start to pick up.

Another reason why I gave it up was the frustration that i couldnt be my best and other people couldnt see the best of me, or that I couldnt be my best, breakdown in relationships, you know yourself,

I can completely understand what your feeling now, really irratible , and all that goes with it, feeling low. What I had to do and I think what might help you is to sit down with that feeling now I really mean sit with it, and say to yourself that this is what drink is doing to me, its horrible to do, and write when your in the moment how fkcing bad that is.It will pass if you keep trying to do the right thing. I know its easy to say but really focus on the moment, minute to minute, every minute your not drinking is a good minute, and time will pas and you will feel better.

I've done all the writing part. It all seems meaningless and like it didn't happen to me once I'm back to full fettle.

My POA is literally to follow realies steps he posted in KeefF thread. And seeking professional help is my first step tomorrow!

Fair play to you - you are flying it. The part about not being your best is actually one of my biggest reasons. I'm quite ambitious and want to give my best shot. I always have been a very hard worker but this drug just messes me up so badly and kinda suspends trait I have. It definitely a common theme in this forum amongst the posters - we are all very determined and caring people !

anon1900

I admire you for getting help, it took me a long while to get the courage to do that, thats a big positive . I know what you mean , its hardest to remember when your in top form, thats when I most need help, is when I think im doing well. I have to stop taking for granted when im in doing well and getting on my feet, I only realise that when Im having a really tough time of it, as long as I live, ill never put myself through that on christmas again

Best of luck with that tomorrow its big step

Carpet diem

anon1900 wrote: »

I admire you for getting help, it took me a long while to get the courage to do that, thats a big positive . I know what you mean , its hardest to remember when your in top form, thats when I most need help, is when I think im doing well. I have to stop taking for granted when im in doing well and getting on my feet, I only realise that when Im having a really tough time of it, as long as I live, ill never put myself through that on christmas again

Best of luck with that tomorrow its big step

Big step but it won't hurt to ask and see anyways. All depends on doc as well and if they are sound.

KeefF

Carpet diem wrote: »

Big step but it won't hurt to ask and see anyways. All depends on doc as well and if they are sound.

Hi,
I hope the doc can help you find some solutions.
From my experience, the doc may refer you to a counsellor who may suggest AA.
For me, the most helpful approach has been to be around other alcoholics who have been through what I am going through. I have found it useful to hear how they have gone about addressing their problem.

I'm not suggesting that the above is the only solution. I hope whatever approach you take is successful and brings you happiness.

Amazingfun

Believe it or not I've known people who've drank whilst taking antabuse. Not pretty, but a testament to the power of the obsession in some of us.

Carpet diem

Amazingfun wrote: »

Believe it or not I've known people who've drank whilst taking antabuse. Not pretty, but a testament to the power of the obsession in some of us.

Id well believe it AF - I'll try doc and see anyways. Lots of months gone by and need to sort this out.

hubba

Carpet diem wrote: »

Id well believe it AF - I'll try doc and see anyways. Lots of months gone by and need to sort this out.

Well done, Carpet diem, you are showing great resilience and persistance. Keep it up, you will eventually find the right approach which suits your lifestyle, personality and individual needs.

I found my doc listened very carefully to what I actually needed, prescribed a couple of things to help me through the first few weeks and took full blood tests (at my request really - just to see if I had done any obvious damage and so I could compare after time off the booze.)

If you are a nervous sort, like meself, write down on a note all you want to cover so you don't forget anything. Good luck, you are doing the right thing.

I'd be very against antabuse. I've heard of one or two people that have died because they were taking it and drank. If you're going to want to drink you will drink regardless in my opinion. It's the mind that needs to be addressed. I'm sure it's obviously helped numerous people but I don't see it addressing the issue at all.

Have you tried to share more at meetings Carpet?

_lietome_

This post has been deleted.

Carpet diem

To be honest guys I think I mentioned going to doc for advise and I will see where that takes me and I would like to keep within the forum rules and not mention meds but feel free to PM me as I find it very helpful to post here so wouldnt like that taken away from me
:-(

Carpet diem

Went to doc there and full so appointment booked for tomorrow morning.

Gona spend couple of hours to myself and write down few thoughts from xmas and see where i'm at.

Carpet diem

I was thinking through the first step of AA and I think it's good to do it when events are raw in your head. Here it is any ways:

Acceptance that if I continue to drink:
- Life will always be a struggle
- My health will deteriorate
- My relationship with my girlfriend will suffer and that too will end
- My work will only ever be mediocre at best at times
- I will not progress in work
- My fitness will continue to take a back seat
- I will continue to put on weight
- I will continue to feel depressed
- I will become a chronic alcoholic with no control over my life (I have some power to do change things around now for sure)
- I will not have a nice family house with wife and kids
- I will never be happy
- My relationship with my family will continue to worsen (even thou it's ok now it could be better)
- I will not have any money at the end of each month
- I will not be able to save for the future
- I will not have a nice car to drive around in
- I will not enjoy nice things in life e.g trips to cinema, meals out and gigs
- I will not become a better person
- I will not enjoy the small precious moments in life
- I will not get proper sleep
- I will continue to call in sock for work or be late
- I will not get up on time for work, at weekend and end out all day in bed
- My dreams and aspirations will never be a possibility
- I will become worse with dealing with people on a daily basis
- My paranoia after drinking will get worse
- Therefore eventually I will have no job, no happiness, no girlfriend, no proper friends, no money, bad health and a bleak future

I need to accept that:
- I cannot do this alone and need to attend meetings regularly and seek professional advise
- there are gone be time when life is hard/lonely and I will feel sorry for myself
- BUT drink will not solve this and the feeling will pass.
- I have no control over drink and need to hand it over to himself.

Carpet diem

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd be very against antabuse. I've heard of one or two people that have died because they were taking it and drank. If you're going to want to drink you will drink regardless in my opinion. It's the mind that needs to be addressed. I'm sure it's obviously helped numerous people but I don't see it addressing the issue at all.

Have you tried to share more at meetings Carpet?

No I haven't but I will. I don't even know what to say really. I'll go to the BB one on Sunday near me and another BB one on Saturday if i can find one that's handy..