dating a guy who will not add u on facebook and does not show his face on skype

EireIceMan

P. Breathnach wrote: »

I'd be Googling fairly intensively to see if I could find something out.

If you have to do this in the first place you shouldnt be dating them. Jesus.

irelandese wrote: »

it's a normal thing in this day and age to ask for someone's Facebook,

No. 'Friend request from joe balls' who'se a friend of a friends friend you met last night and said hi to:rolleyes:

Lenmeister

Some people are going way over their heads here. People are too into their facebook imo. Nobody is obliged to add anyone on facebook. Just because he won't add her that doesn't mean anything. In fact, her persistence about it makes her sound like a bit of a weirdo/stalker. I'd be a little weirded out by that and would probably back off a little. What's the big deal if someone doesn't add you? What if this thing doesn't work out, then you're just another person sitting in his friend list(fine for some people, not for others). Perhaps he thinks you might post bad things about him if it doesn't workout, maybe it's happened before. All of this could be reason enough for him saying he doesn't know you well enough.

Saying he is dating someone else and wants to hide it is a big jump, silly thing to say imo, just because he won't add you. If you are already that paranoid he's dating other people, I fear you making it far. Just slow down a little and go with the flow, you've only had 4 dates.

The whole wad of cash thing is a little weird but some people are like that. I used to know someone like that and said he just prefers it. Bit weird but don't jump to conclusions about him being a criminal. That's a bit far.

Lots of people insist on paying all the time, it's just 1 of those things. Many guys feel they should and that it looks bad for some reason if the woman pays. Just their mentality. Everyone has an opinion on that matter but don't dwell on it. You're saving aren't you :P However, him offering you money just to see him seems is a big no to me, I probably would have said no thanks, and definitely not seen him again.

Also the skype thing, I find it very weird that he doesn't want to show his face. He's already been on dates with you. I don't think he has something to hide, but because he has already seen you face to face, this was the one signal that he is definitely paranoid. "he told me he had his identity stolen before and was scared it would happen again" - personally that sounds like a lie, but it does happen, I could be wrong. If someone really wanted to steal your identity I'm sure they'd be able to do it regardless of the measures you took to prevent it.

Overall I think you should just take it slowly, go with the flow, and see what happens. But if he doesn't come out of his shell after a while and still refuses the facebook thing and showing his face on cam thing, and other things that seem weird, I'd ditch him asap. The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with a someone that paranoid. Hope this helps and your relationship turns out great.

@Amtc - Sorry to hear that! Sounds like you had a rough time, hope you met someone normal since

P. Breathnach
I'd be Googling fairly intensively to see if I could find something out. - Going a bit far there don't you think? Paranoia breeds negativity and doubts and could ruin what might be a good relationship.

Gatica

Lenmeister, Amtc already pointed out why someone would be as secretive and that he could very very likely be the same person. All the more reason for her to back off, especially if gut instinct says something's wrong...

homerjay2005

amtc wrote: »

Listen, I'm really sorry, but I think this could be a guy I dated. He used the exact same words as day trader/hedge fund - I worked in that world and that's not a usual phrase - always paid in cash - never brought a jacket/coat anywhere - messaged me but never added on facebook despite saying he would. Worked solely off mobile, no work email, no fixed line....no wallet...dodged photos at a wedding on our 4th date.

paid for everything, offered money per week as an allowance (I never took it). Oh yeah, and he played tennis.

whole thing turned out to be lies.

If he purports to be called [pm'ed you name] and from Sligo originally but lived in London, let me know. He has a track record, if it's the same guy. Never kissed in street or in public....phone superglued to inside pocket. And very reticent about sleeping together (we never did) - there was going to be a big occasion in Ashford Castle.

Turned out this was all to get my credit card details.

Chance conversation with work friend - same guy scammed her. SO I let him book the weekend - but guess what his credit card had just expired. I hope he had a lovely weekend by himself!

that seesms an awful lot of effort just to get your credit card details? why would he give you money, when for example he doesnt know your credit card limit and for all he knows, it could be maxed out or only have a few hundred on it. it just doesnt make sense to go to that much hassle, for something that may not be worth anything to him.

if you are telling the truth, he is not a fraudster, he is a f*cking idiot. sounds like though, there is just something wrong with him inside his head.

back on topic, i would suggest that the OP approaches with caution for a while, dont commit to anything and see what pans out, but theres 1000's of people in this country who are not into facebook and people taking pics of them and its acceptable. i also know plenty of people who dont have wallets and deal only in cash, but i will admit, the lad is a little bit strange.

Honey-ec

He sounds like my sister's ex, tbh. No online presence, no credit/debit cards, dealt exclusively in cash, very vague on the finer details of his life, etc. etc.

Turned out his entire life was a lie. Pretty much every thing he ever told her was complete and utter crap. The reason he only ever dealt in cash was because he didn't have a bank account. No PPS number, no driving licence, no passport. To this day we still don't know where he was getting the wads of cash from, cause he has never had an actual job in his life.

Taking everything together, you'd go "How in God's name was my sister ever taken in by him?" but it took time for all the little things that didn't seem *quite* right to build up into the final picture.

Something doesn't seem *quite* right with this guy. Your gut is already telling you this, and I'm inclined to agree. I'm not saying to drop him right this second but I'd be keeping very careful account of his behaviour if I were you.

mood

Not everyone has a facebook account but if he has it is odd he would add you as a friend.

And what is this about he wanting to 'pay' you?

Have you meet any of his friends etc. If not I would run a mile. It's all too odd. Wanting to 'pay' you is the oddest thing of all.

daisybelle2008

OP Run a mile....I am astounded that people here are telling you to ingnore your gut instinct and give him a chance he offered to pay you by the week. He is as dodgy as fcuk. It is written all over him.
As for investigating on google, why bother?? before google we had a perfectly good internal guidance system that rings alarm bells in our head. Don't ignore yours.
Jesus I have not idea why anyone would think you should continue dating someone who YOU feel might take criminal revenge you if you didn't date him. It may or may not be true, but if you feel that paranoid then that is reason enough to run. What happened to nice romances where you feel a sense of trust and fun.

Lenmeister

Gatica wrote: »

Lenmeister, Amtc already pointed out why someone would be as secretive and that he could very very likely be the same person. All the more reason for her to back off, especially if gut instinct says something's wrong...

So I should take Amtcs post as the only possible reality and conclusion of the situation?

"However, him offering you money just to see him seems is a big no to me, I probably would have said no thanks, and definitely not seen him again."

"Overall I think you should just take it slowly, go with the flow, and see what happens. But if he doesn't come out of his shell after a while and still refuses the facebook thing and showing his face on cam thing, and other things that seem weird, I'd ditch him asap. The last thing you want is to be in a relationship with a someone that paranoid. Hope this helps and your relationship turns out great."

Obviously as you can see I also think it's quite odd some of the stuff he does, that's why the gist of my post was to take a step back, look at what's happening, and weigh everything up. If you feel scared and have a bad feeling, ditch him immediately.
He hasn't actually done anything that warrants some of the stuff being said here, even if his 'profile' seems strange. It's possible to give yourself more ideas as to how to proceed by asking him about his friends and family etc. See if he really is that shady. But I think for the moment just back up and look at everything. How he portrays and carries himself on dates, if his stories have holes, if he refuses to tell you anything personal as to his identity. We only have a picture of what the guy is like on the outside from these posts. We don't know anything about the dates.

Someone mentioned a double date with sister or friends or something? I think that's a good idea, see how comfortable he is in that situation. Maybe leave himself and the friends boyfriend to chat to him for a while. Guys can do a sharp job when it comes to telling if another lad is alright or not imho.

Gatica

Lenmeister, I certainly didn't wish to offend you. However, I thought your post seemed to pretty much ignore the other post, which seemed to me pretty clear in its conclusion... (Though I see now that you did refer to it in yours and therefore must've read it.)
Since you've edited your post since, I can't exactly say what it was that gave me that impression.

So I should take Amtcs post as the only possible reality and conclusion of the situation?

It might not be the one and only possible "reality" however it seems by far the most plausible explanation, considering the very similar circumstances.

I can understand that you may want to find excuses and reasons for this guys behaviour, and that is very good natured of you. However, the advice seemed somewhat in contrast to the gist of the other posts.

ah, well, it's a discussion forum after all. You're entitled to your opinion... I can't even remember where I was going with this as started writing reply awhile back already.

Lenmeister

Gatica wrote: »

Since you've edited your post since, I can't exactly say what it was that gave me that impression.

I can understand that you may want to find excuses and reasons for this guys behaviour, and that is very good natured of you. However, the advice seemed somewhat in contrast to the gist of the other posts.

It was a few spelling mistakes, I always check it again afterwards. I posted at 3:23 and it was last edited at 3:26 - 3 minutes later. Are you implying I altered it because of anothers post? I'd never do that.

I'm not trying to find excuses for this guy, the last thing I'd want is to imagine she's dating a raving lunatic.

In the Minority? Excuse me? I don't like to bash other members on any forum but seriously. Go back and read all the other posts like I have and you will see that I am certainly not in a minority. Not unless you're counting all those *thanks* people do give :P But more than half of the posters who responded said something in favour of not ditching him asap for x reason.

Anyway, sure we've all given good points so let's not argue about it. Let's let her take whatever she wants from here and hope everything works out fine in the end.

Gatica

fair enough. Let's just hope for the best in this situation then.

amtc

I think we've ascertained that it's not the same guy via PM, but there are lunatics out there...!

Oh and I don't really face book, it was the evasion about not having anything with him, suppresion of personal details. Found out after he knew my credit limit due to a statement in my bag (which he saw)...

And yeah, I have alovely man now!

coffee_cake

Please read the charter before posting, that includes the rule about not asking an OP to PM you
thanks