Starting Divorce Proceedings

G&T22

Hi everyone,
Going to start divorce proceedings soon and just wanted to hear some peoples view points. I left my ex we had no children together we did have a house which we sold and split the profit. We do not speak to each other at all and the sale of the house was done with the help of a relative. I did seek a deed of separation and was told that it had been signed but my solicitor never received it back and is constantly writing to my ex's solicitor with no reply. I did however receive through my solicitor from my ex's solicitor a waver to succession rights which I signed back at the start of October last year, but yet again have not received a signed copy from them even after more letters that were sent from my solicitor. Anyway time has progressed and its now time to start divorce proceedings. I am working full time and cohabiting now and also have a new daughter My ex is unemployed/on sick pay from welfare (as far as i know) I wonder what his chances are of getting maintenance if he applied and I wonder what will happen if he doesn't turn up for court date? I don't think his solicitor is writing back because he is either waiting to hear from my ex or hasn't been paid??

sffc

Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't a summons have to be served on him ?

G&T22

Yes it does. I am going to start proceedings with my solicitor for divorce which by that I mean any preparation involved.

Abi

G&T22 wrote: »

Hi everyone,
Going to start divorce proceedings soon and just wanted to hear some peoples view points. I left my ex we had no children together we did have a house which we sold and split the profit. We do not speak to each other at all and the sale of the house was done with the help of a relative. I did seek a deed of separation and was told that it had been signed but my solicitor never received it back and is constantly writing to my ex's solicitor with no reply. I did however receive through my solicitor from my ex's solicitor a waver to succession rights which I signed back at the start of October last year, but yet again have not received a signed copy from them even after more letters that were sent from my solicitor. Anyway time has progressed and its now time to start divorce proceedings. I am working full time and cohabiting now and also have a new daughter My ex is unemployed/on sick pay from welfare (as far as i know) I wonder what his chances are of getting maintenance if he applied and I wonder what will happen if he doesn't turn up for court date? I don't think his solicitor is writing back because he is either waiting to hear from my ex or hasn't been paid??

If your ex is on a SW payment he is likely to be entitled to free legal aid. If he is already using this it may be a probable cause as to why everything is being dragged out. I'm currently using my own solicitor (non legal aid), but in the past I've had to use legal aid. I found the whole application process very lengthy and this is because there is a huge list of people to be seen to.

It's a shame you don't talk to him any more, that would take away a lot of the guess work.


Congratulations on the birth of your little girl by the way

G&T22

Thanks Abi, He is not using free legal aid for what reason I don't know? I wish I could talk to him but he wont speak to me and I didnt really want to portray anyone in a bad light. He has sent me a few nasty texts after the sale of the house but I thought it was best not to reply to them...

Edited to add that I would love to be able to talk to him about this and make it as easy as possible for us both but I really think my contacting him would just annoy him or aggravate him.

Abi

G&T22 wrote: »

Thanks Abi, He is not using free legal aid for what reason I don't know? I wish I could talk to him but he wont speak to me and I didnt really want to portray anyone in a bad light. He has sent me a few nasty texts after the sale of the house but I thought it was best not to reply to them...

Edited to add that I would love to be able to talk to him about this and make it as easy as possible for us both but I really think my contacting him would just annoy him or aggravate him.

He sounds a little on the bitter side. Is it a possibility he is deliberately dragging out the divorce because you've moved on with someone new? It's horrible to say, but I'm sure it does happen.

A bit of time has passed I assume since your last contact, would he have calmed down a little? I'm hovering around the idea of writing to him here, and advise him he might be entitled to legal aid. Also saying that you'd like to just move on with your life, and hope that he will too.

Maybe I'm asking a bit much there, but you know him better than us =/

G&T22

I was thinking about that alright on both points you have raised. He is bitter without a doubt, he ignores a lot in life which has got him in trouble with the courts before and no doubt he has the same attitude. I was thinking about writing to him but I think I might contact a friend of his first to see how he is or if he can talk to him on my behalf? Though I dont know how he could drag it out any longer re the separation surely if he has to make an appearance in a court and doesn't show the judge will only tolerate that so much?

Abi

G&T22 wrote: »

I was thinking about that alright on both points you have raised. He is bitter without a doubt, he ignores a lot in life which has got him in trouble with the courts before and no doubt he has the same attitude. I was thinking about writing to him but I think I might contact a friend of his first to see how he is or if he can talk to him on my behalf? Though I dont know how he could drag it out any longer re the separation surely if he has to make an appearance in a court and doesn't show the judge will only tolerate that so much?

Well my solicitor told me my exes solicitor had written to him for quite some time with no word back. It dragged out for months on end needlessly. I won't go into detail on it, but he eventually decided to surface when a judgement was going to be made without him.

I think sounding out his friend might be a good idea. Everyone is different of course, and while emotions run high at times, sometimes after some time and space things could have settled / calmed down. He might, and that's a cautious might - not be quite as angry.

Then there are people like my own ex. I haven't the capacity to hate some one, even after all he's put me through, though years after splitting from a very bad marriage he's still spitting venom. I think its sad to be caught up in anger and hatrid for so long like that.

Hopefully your ex is the former GT.

sffc

Believe it or not OP there mightn't be much to worry about here . Forget the angry texts years ago when ye first split the house . Firstly it's four plus years ago and secondly its would be weird if at least one person wasn't angry during a separation at some point .
He isn't communicating with you and in his world why should he ? I presume you wanted the split . He simply can't be arsed with it all . That's hard for you to believe because this divorce is very important to you with your daughter and new partner but it's not a priority for him . If he was bitter you'd have had a load of communication - not all of it pleasant by now , and he would have been negotiating hard previously on the SA .
He simply doesn't want to spend the price of a phone call on this it would appear . "You want it you pay for it " seems his motto . Two factors cause me the slight doubt but it's slight . The first is you don't know absolutely that he isn't getting or in the process of getting legal aid and the second is that the summons has not been served . His reaction after the summons has been served will give you a good idea what you are up against if anything .
As regards your maintainance worries , common sense should calm your fears but talk to your solicitor to reassure yourself . The way I see it he got his half of profit from the house and took it years ago . He signed the succession rights document but didn't sign the SA but most importantly he has done nothing since . It would be a bit rich to suddenly claim that he needed maintaince just at the time his ex is seeking divorce when he never looked for it before ! It would be even richer to expect a single mother to pay it (You aren't married yet -nudge nudge )
As for no-shows - my understanding is that the courts take a dim view of this lately and while it may delay you a little that is all . They will eventually make a judgement in his absence . If they do , so what ? it can't do you any harm .
Overall OP you've a lot to be thankful for - lots of us, me included would swap in the morning !(although being a guy it would be difficult to explain how I married your ex in the first place :-D )

Edit - Does the document he signed have a date of separation on it ? Big help if it does :-)

G&T22

Thanks sffc for your honesty I love when people can just be honest it really makes me happy! I am not one to shy away when someone gives their opinion even if its not what I want to hear! So thank you.

He told me he signed the SA which has a separation date on it but it was never returned to me or my solicitor. His solicitor gave me a SR waver to sign which I did but there was no signature on it from him and haven't got a signed copy back from them either...

I know I am in a much better situation than most my sister recently got her divorce after about 8 years of separation/legal battles and they have children.

My solicitor once told me that these things can go on and on and on and its only when people are sick of fighting is when they are resolved!

sffc

G&T22 wrote: »

Thanks sffc for your honesty I love when people can just be honest it really makes me happy! I am not one to shy away when someone gives their opinion even if its not what I want to hear! So thank you.

He told me he signed the SA which has a separation date on it but it was never returned to me or my solicitor. His solicitor gave me a SR waver to sign which I did but there was no signature on it from him and haven't got a signed copy back from them either...


My solicitor once told me that these things can go on and on and on and its only when people are sick of fighting is when they are resolved!

Just giving you what I think is his side , and not necessarily a guy thing . There have of posts here from ladies who cant be bothered spending anymore time and money on divorces because as they see it , its not a priority for them just their husband wanting to remarry . Not saying he's right either just that it's always better to know where the other side is coming from . I would hope my opinion is just what you want to hear actually as he's going to cause you less problems than you imagine I think .
Basically neither document (SR or SA )exists or has any validity legally as you don't have possession of jointly signed documents but thats grand . As I said it weakens any case he has especially spousal maintainance - in four years plus he hasn't pursued you legally .
Lastly your solicitor is right in the case where both parties are contesting vigourously but that's not happening here - anything but !

G&T22

Just an update and question!
So solicitor said it can go two ways, I can fight for everything (pension & maintenance) and he will do the same but he could be awarded maintenance as I work full time and he doesn't. My solicitor has won maintenance for some of his male clients so it does happen even in a similar situation to mine! This could take about a year and a half.

Or

He consents to a divorce in and out of court in a day with legal fees being reduced greatly! (couple of hundred euro)

So my question is how would I approach or should I approach my ex and inform him about the way things can work? My ex is easily influenced and if his solicitor tells him to go for a fight he probably will and he will not inform him of the easy option...

sffc

G&T22 wrote: »

Just an update and question!
So solicitor said it can go two ways, I can fight for everything (pension & maintenance) and he will do the same but he could be awarded maintenance as I work full time and he doesn't. My solicitor has won maintenance for some of his male clients so it does happen even in a similar situation to mine! This could take about a year and a half.

Or

He consents to a divorce in and out of court in a day with legal fees being reduced greatly! (couple of hundred euro)

So my question is how would I approach or should I approach my ex and inform him about the way things can work? My ex is easily influenced and if his solicitor tells him to go for a fight he probably will and he will not inform him of the easy option...

Quite frankly you are being patronising to your ex . He'll do what he wants on the basis of his advice like you will . Wait till you serve the summons and see what happens . You will almost certainly get a reply then most probably seeking proposals . At the moment you are wrecking your head trying to guess what he'll do based on NOTHING !
Think about this logically . You guys haven't really communicated in the last while . You suddenly approach him and say " Hiya XYZ , long time no see ..... how about we make this all easy and you go in and tell the Judge " I'll agree to whatever she wants" ? " . Your chances of an easy ride zilch , he'll smell a rat big time !
Simply put- his consent to YOUR terms (no share of pension , no spousal maintainance ) is an "easy" option for YOU because it suits you . To him the "easy option " will be you consenting to him GETTING a share of the pension etc .
He may fight for his entitlements he may not - but you have to start seeing it from his point of view so you can understand where he's coming from and negotiate well if needs be .

G&T22

yeah sffc you are right... again!

When typing that I didn't think I was being patronising but I so am! Must keep a check on that one.
I beat myself up all of the time trying to guess how things will work out or prepare myself for all situations but all it does is drive me into the ground with unnecessary stress and worry.

I do honestly want my ex to be informed well of both of his options.
I am sure he wouldn't trust me or vice versa. I have thought that I should not contact him because maybe I should leave well enough alone.

His mother told me she didn't want the divorce to be a costly affair and to do a DIY one! So that has had influence on me.

The decision has been made by me with the advice from my solicitor is to start proceedings as normal and if he wants a consensual divorce he will have to advise his solicitor same which I would be happy to go with.

By the way he signed the Succession Rights Waver (recently)

I know by reading my posts I sound all over the place which to be honest is known to happen more than I would like sometimes it takes me a while to settle my thoughts, cop on and get perspective.

Thanks for the reply

sffc

Please remember that you don't need to get him to agree to a Divorce per se just come up with terms that he can agree to . I'll be honest here - if I was him I wouldn't expect Spousal Maintainace but I'd be asking for it to up the ante... I'd definitely be looking for a share of your pension though and 100% expect something . A 50/50 share of the profits of the house is just as if ye were living together ...and ye were married after all !

G&T22

We were married even if it was only for 9 months!
I must have a look into the pension and how that works. I don't suppose you know anything about how a cut of the pension would work? Would he be entitled to say a cut of it when or if I retire? God knows what the age will be changed to when I am due to retire which is currently 40yrs away

sffc

G&T22 wrote: »

We were married even if it was only for 9 months!
I must have a look into the pension and how that works. I don't suppose you know anything about how a cut of the pension would work? Would he be entitled to say a cut of it when or if I retire? God knows what the age will be changed to when I am due to retire which is currently 40yrs away

Don't want to stray into legal advice but it's street knowledge that the length of a marraige is taken into account. Nine months is fecc all so it should be fine . Is your solicitor answering all your questions?and in a clear fashion? If not consider changing ;-)

hiltonhater

sffc can I ask something? Where do you gather your information from? Some of it confuses me and I am a recent divorcee myself.

Stheno

G&T22 wrote: »

We were married even if it was only for 9 months!
I must have a look into the pension and how that works. I don't suppose you know anything about how a cut of the pension would work? Would he be entitled to say a cut of it when or if I retire? God knows what the age will be changed to when I am due to retire which is currently 40yrs away

Have you thought about mediation? I did it, and pay my ex maintenance when his earnings go below a certain amount, but we have abdicated claims on future income and gotten pension adjustment orders to legally validate those.

G&T22

Stheno,
Unless he suggests it I wouldn't bother to be honest. Its not like we have anything major to sort out?

sffc

hiltonhater wrote: »

sffc can I ask something? Where do you gather your information from? Some of it confuses me and I am a recent divorcee myself.

99% of what I've written is opinion and mostly concerning what the exhusband is possibly thinking and how it's influencing his actions or inaction . Its a forum - if you disagree with my viewpoint on an issue please let the OP have an alternate view. We are here to help even if we don't agree :-)
Just to reassure the OP - the shortness of the marraige explains a lot regarding his behaviour . You really should be fine . It makes me think even more he'll be agreeable and want to move on. You should have said before haha.

Taltos

Just to remind everyone - opinion and support is what we are about here. But please don't stray into giving legal advice - if tempted just suggest they contact their solicitor. Legal advice, even well intentioned is against our charter as it is such a complicated area with many influencing factors, so what is true for one person may not hold true for another and could send them down a legal rabbit hole. If you have an issue with a post please report it - don't get into off topic discussions on thread - that definitely does not serve the OP.

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G&T22

sffc,
I should have said earlier! We were together non married for a long time but we split soon after the marriage took place. When we did get married we were living together for 2 years which is when we bought the house. He was unemployed/sick benefit 6 months after we bought the house and was on it when we got married. I was paying for all of our bills from 6 months after purchasing our home.