Separated but still living together and both seeing new people

prestigio1977

Hi,
My husband and I decided a year ago to separate but can't afford to live apart yet. It emerged this weekend that we're both seeing other people and while I'm happy for him, it hurts like hell. We've been married 18 years, both very young when we got married, so neither of us ever had another partner. It's just so strange to think of him with someone else, but I think it's the same for him with me and that fact that she's 10 years younger than me doesn't help! We've got 2 teenagers, one doing leaving cert and both want to keep things discreet for a while. I suppose I'm just trying to get my head around it all and wondering has anyone been through the same that can advise.

Abi

prestigio1977 wrote: »

Hi,
My husband and I decided a year ago to separate but can't afford to live apart yet. It emerged this weekend that we're both seeing other people and while I'm happy for him, it hurts like hell. We've been married 18 years, both very young when we got married, so neither of us ever had another partner. It's just so strange to think of him with someone else, but I think it's the same for him with me and that fact that she's 10 years younger than me doesn't help! We've got 2 teenagers, one doing leaving cert and both want to keep things discreet for a while. I suppose I'm just trying to get my head around it all and wondering has anyone been through the same that can advise.

When you devote so much of your life to one person and you set up home and family with them of course it would feel strange to think of them with someone else. When you started out in life together, you weren't to know what the future held and committed to this one person, so how you both feel is understandable.

With 2 teenagers in the house, it would be wise to keep this under your hats until the relationships are well established and the timing is right. You don't really know what way they might take it at the moment, and they've probably a lot on in terms of upcoming exams etc.

Sharing the same home is a bit awkward, but it's common enough these days given that a lot of people are unable to sell their homes and other financial complications.

You say that you can't afford to live apart, is there any kind of a plan down the line?

prestigio1977

Thanks Abi for your kind words. What you say makes sense. I knew this would be hard but wasn't prepared for how bad I would feel. I know it will take time to get used to. We don't plan on telling the kids anytime soon, as they've been through enough over the past year. He's working away a lot at the moment, so that makes things a bit easier and as for a long term plan, yes, my youngest will be doing leaving cert next year and after that, I plan on moving out as I don't want to stay here. We've registered for mediation, so that's the next step. I'm just taking it one day at a time now and dealing with things as they come along. Some things are harder than others, but that's life.

Abi

prestigio1977 wrote: »

Thanks Abi for your kind words. What you say makes sense. I knew this would be hard but wasn't prepared for how bad I would feel. I know it will take time to get used to. We don't plan on telling the kids anytime soon, as they've been through enough over the past year. He's working away a lot at the moment, so that makes things a bit easier and as for a long term plan, yes, my youngest will be doing leaving cert next year and after that, I plan on moving out as I don't want to stay here. We've registered for mediation, so that's the next step. I'm just taking it one day at a time now and dealing with things as they come along. Some things are harder than others, but that's life.

You know, even though this hurts and it's a bit confusing, yourself and your ex are handling it very well. You're in a very fortunate position that you're both willing to mediate and have your children as priority number one. Sadly what is best for children gets overlooked when parents are at war.

Your ex being away a lot is also a good thing, because you have that bit of space. I think the fact that you're both seeing someone else made it final, but that's okay. If you reflect back on why it wasn't working you will see that.

I wish you both luck, and fair play to you for putting the children first, and I hope mediation goes smoothly

prestigio1977

Well it's very hard to try keep the balance but we know we have to put the children first, they're too important. Thanks for your support, I appreciate it, I know it will ease with time and I do look forward to better days ahead.:)